My father just dumped me

[Flower of Bliss]

I've started putting context around this email from my father, but I could fill a book trying to explain it. Here's the short story... my father called me more or less out of the blue on the Saturday before Christmas and we spoke for about an hour. I was out of town trying to visit family for Christmas and I had a stomach bug on top of it. His mother had died the week before. We got disconnected (or he hung up on me). In that time he seemed angry at my mother for things she did during their marriage (which ended 20 years ago) and seemed to be blaming me. This was apparently sparked by the fact that my mother attended his mother's funeral, which was some how both a horrible thing for her to do and my fault. He was also accusing me of not hugging his wife goodbye on two occasions, both 5+ years ago. I have no specific memory of how or if I told her goodbye either visit. I don't have many positive feelings towards his wife, based on how she treated me as a child when I was in their home, but I honestly doubt I was specifically being malicious. He kept coming back to whether or not we should have a relationship at all. I was hurt and shocked by the phone call.

Before calling him back, I spoke at length with my minister about it. I didn't and still don't want to end my relationship with him. However, I felt he was asking me to chose between my own mother and his wife, based on how they had each treated HIM, and I had no clue how to respond to such a bizarre conversation. In the end I sent him this email:

Hi Dad,

I'm sending this to both email addresses I have for you. Please let me know that you received it.

I would like to finish our conversation from Saturday. However, I cannot give it the attention it needs right now. We returned from <out of state> last night. We each took a turn with the stomach bug last week, including my turn while <out of state> over the weekend. We're having our very first Christmas in our own house this week. I need to concentrate on my girls and my husband right now.

I know that you are grieving the loss of your mother. I think of MawMaw often. I am very saddened by her death. I'm wishing I'd managed a trip to <the city where my grandmother lived> with DD2. I went 3-4 times during DD1's first year and 1-2 during her second. Travel during my pregnancy and with newborn DD2 has been quite difficult, and I had not made it there in over a year. I'm sorry she was never able to meet her 14th great grandchild. I was very sorry to not be at the funeral.

I think it would be best if we got a bit more distance from her death before you and I have a conversation with such long term consequences as whether or not we will have a relationship at all. I'd like to continue the conversation in February so that I can give it the attention it deserves.

I hope that even in your grieving you are able to have some happiness this Christmas.

Sending love and light,
Sage

He replied a week and a half later, on New Years Day, with this:

Sage,
I received both of your emails. The first wave that came over me is
relief. I have finally recognized the truth...though it's been glaring in
my face for years.

The truth is we don't have a relationship. We are connected through DNA
and history. Essentially, our relationship has been on life support for
most of the last 20 years and I think it would be best for us to
acknowledge the truth and pull the plug.

The turn of events accompanying my mother's death <unless I'm missing something, he really means the fact that my mother came to the local to her funeral> served as a reminder of
the many reasons my marriage to your mother didn't work. Your email
demonstrates (and reminds me too much of your mother) that I cannot live
within the orchestrated, cerebral confines necessary for there to be a
relationship.

I have foolishly been carrying a guilt for not being allowed to be a Dad
to the <my mother's name> children. I wasn't allowed the privilege while married and
certainly not since. Believe it or not, I truly tried more than you may
know or remember. Anything I did had to flow through your mother's filter
and I never measured up. For me to think that somehow I can favorably
influence adults was mere projection and reflection...a mirage.

The truth is you don't know me...and I don't know you. Let's just leave it
at that.

<his name>

I am so incredibly hurt by this email. I'm 29 years old. My parent's divorced 20 years ago. I've been married for 10 years. I've contacted him numerous times in those years. How could he possibly see me as only my mother and not myself? I have not responded. I have no clue how or if I should respond. I don't know if I should be telling people (specifically my extended family on his side who I am in contact with and my younger brothers with whom he has less contact then he has with me). I don't want to let him off of the hook here. And honestly, I just desperately want my father to love me for who I am.

[chaoticzenmom]

I think you'll need to edit and paraphrase his email to you to fit in with the User agreement.

I'm so sorry he's acting this way. It may be hurt, or it may be how he really feels. He's saying that he never felt like you were his, I think. I imagine that would hurt to never really feel like you have true access to your child. Maybe he had different visions of how his family would be that never got satisfied and now, with his mother gone, it's all becoming too much for him.

I don't know what I'd do. Probably just respond that I'm sorry he feels that way and that you'll be open to talking when he is, or just respond that you'll try to contact him in a few months and if he still feels that way, you'll respect his wishes to cease contact. Or, just acknowledge that he'll never love you the way you want and let him go. It seems like there's a lot of hurt there, you're not crazy about his wife, he's oversensitive and possibly toxic, you get along with your mother, just try to heal from the loss of a living parent.

His words would hurt me too. The seem very callous and selfish. He's dropping you, ok, but your children too? How's that supposed to fit into his vision of how things would be in a perfect world. It sounds like maybe your mother filtered things for a reason.

Lisa

[oceanbaby]

I can relate so much to your situation. I'm so sorry, it is very difficult to go through. My dad and I used to be very close when I was young, like 10 and under. But I spent most of my childhood and young adulthood dealing with my father laying all the issues he had with my mom on me, and it really took it's toll.

For my dad, I could never do enough to show him he was loved and appreciated, and after an incident a few years ago, he basically decided that I was too hurtful to be allowed in his life anymore. (Short story: He had moved to Costa Rica. I planned a trip to Disneyland with the kids for dh's birthday, and my mom was coming to help watch them. Dad decided to come visit, and he thinks I should have either canceled the trip or told my mom she wasn't coming so he could come instead. I had a non refundable package, and was going to be gone for 5 days out of the month he was here. We never saw him that whole month because of this.)

He lives in another country (for the last 3 or 4 years), and I have seen him for a total of about 48 hours. Everything is my fault or my mother's fault. He has said that we can come to visit him, but that there is no reason for him to ever return here to visit us. (However, tickets for 4 to Costa Rica aren't cheap, and dh has a fulltime job.) Apparently me, my sister, and his two grandkids who adore him are not good enough reasons for him to come here. I emailed him on Christmas and haven't heard back. I had emailed him a month before that and never heard back.

What hurts me the most is the lack of unconditional love that is supposed to be there. From my perspective, there should be nothing anyone could do, me included, that would cause him to never want to see me again. But that's not who he is. I know he loves me, but he just can't deal with my refusing to be codependent in the whole "you are the most important person in the world" trip he apparenly needs to be able to function.

The only healthy thing you can really do is express your disappointment, and leave the door open if he ever changes his mind. I have found anything else to just be beating my head against a wall.

[Sierra]

I can't read this and not respond. I think you put this post in the write place. This is a real and extremely painful loss.

My situation is different, but I do have experience with estrangement. I have a marginal relationship with my family, and a semi-estranged relationship with one of my siblings, a brother with whom my childhood was very symbiotic (we are 19 months apart). For at least two years but probably closer to five he did not talk to me at all. He did not accept my phone calls, ignored my emails, etc. etc. He has since talked to me only under extreme circumstances, and with much disdain for me. He also refused to come to my wedding 10+ years ago. He recently got married, and his wife has built some bridges...but honestly the only reason we were even invited to their wedding, I am sure, is because I wrote my brother's wife an email asking her point blank if we would be invited (which was probably rude, but I needed to arrange for travel). I hadn't ever met her and didn't even know they were engaged until a week before that...and that was just weeks before the wedding. I also have since learned some things that make me think that she didn't even know of my existence, and knew perhaps nothing at all about me until around the time of the wedding, maybe around the time of the email. I know the things that she must be being told about me are all very one-sided half-truths and probably very, very ugly. When my brother talks about me, it is like he is talking about a stranger. The "me" he has built up in his mind is not the "me" that anyone in my life knows. Not even me.

I'll give you just one example. When I was around four or five and my brother was three or four, my parents had left us under the care of our older sisters. I had a pair of scissors, apparently not well supervised, and I was going to cut something *for my brother* that he asked me to cut. He had his hand in the way. I asked him to move his hand a few times, and he did not. I warned him that if I was going to cut, I would cut him unless he moved his hand. Remember, I was just four or five years old. My motor control was still being refined. Anyway, I have this vivid memory of his hand looking like it was moving, and I thought, "okay, I can cut." But his hand hadn't moved, and the scissors began to close before my brain could process that I needed to stop. I sliced off the top of the finger, and I was immediately horrified and devestated. He ended up having to have his finger stitched up at the hospital. This was at least twenty-five years ago, and my brother still has not forgiven me. He truly in his heart of hearts believes that I cut him on purpose. He actually believes I am an evil person, with evil in my heart, and that I tried to harm him from the get-go. My mom has definitely fanned these flames too. My brother still thinks that my last words before I cut him were "I am going to cut you." Well, maybe, but I was trying to warn him to get his hand to move. How he can't see that, after explanation and after all this time, I don't know. But that is just one small example of thousands.

Anyway, the estrangement is not my decision. It is my brother's decision, and it is a terribly hurtful rejection. I have lost both history (his part of it) and a part of myself.

I think your situation would have to be even more painful because this is the parent-child relationship. I know that even though my parents and I are not estranged, our distant and unstable relationship is perhaps even a bigger wound than my brother's full on estrangement...which is a deep, raw wound. Even though you are an adult, this is your daddy. Even as adult children, it feels like our parents are "supposed" to take responsibility for the crap they feel about the relationships they had with us when we were just children. Afterall, we were indeed mere children. We look at our own children, and see how hard we work to create these healthy, loving relationships, and we feel the weight of responsibility when things aren't good. How could our own parents put that on us? How could he not see you as his little girl, and want to protect you from his own failings?

When I read your dad's letter, I hear an immaturity and, like you heard, an inability to differentiate his relationship with you from your mother. That's not fair, but it is the case. This is all on him, honey. None of this is really about you.

I don't think there is a magic cure. It sucks, sucks, sucks, and I am angry at your dad just reading this. I am glad you are processing this with your minister.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Originally Posted by oceanbaby

I can relate so much to your situation. I'm so sorry, it is very difficult to go through. My dad and I used to be very close when I was young, like 10 and under. But I spent most of my childhood and young adulthood dealing with my father laying all the issues he had with my mom on me, and it really took it's toll.

For my dad, I could never do enough to show him he was loved and appreciated, and after an incident a few years ago, he basically decided that I was too hurtful to be allowed in his life anymore. (Short story: He had moved to Costa Rica. I planned a trip to Disneyland with the kids for dh's birthday, and my mom was coming to help watch them. Dad decided to come visit, and he thinks I should have either canceled the trip or told my mom she wasn't coming so he could come instead. I had a non refundable package, and was going to be gone for 5 days out of the month he was here. We never saw him that whole month because of this.)

He lives in another country (for the last 3 or 4 years), and I have seen him for a total of about 48 hours. Everything is my fault or my mother's fault. He has said that we can come to visit him, but that there is no reason for him to ever return here to visit us. (However, tickets for 4 to Costa Rica aren't cheap, and dh has a fulltime job.) Apparently me, my sister, and his two grandkids who adore him are not good enough reasons for him to come here. I emailed him on Christmas and haven't heard back. I had emailed him a month before that and never heard back.

What hurts me the most is the lack of unconditional love that is supposed to be there. From my perspective, there should be nothing anyone could do, me included, that would cause him to never want to see me again. But that's not who he is. I know he loves me, but he just can't deal with my refusing to be codependent in the whole "you are the most important person in the world" trip he apparenly needs to be able to function.

The only healthy thing you can really do is express your disappointment, and leave the door open if he ever changes his mind. I have found anything else to just be beating my head against a wall.

Oceanbaby, I am so sorry to read this. Your dad's behavior IS shameful and totally self-absorbed and selfish. Just keep reminding yourself how lucky you are to have turned out the way you did and how lucky your kids are NOT to know this man. WOW to the whole.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Originally Posted by Flower of Bliss

I've started putting context around this email from my father, but I could fill a book trying to explain it. Here's the short story... my father called me more or less out of the blue on the Saturday before Christmas and we spoke for about an hour. I was out of town trying to visit family for Christmas and I had a stomach bug on top of it. His mother had died the week before. We got disconnected (or he hung up on me). In that time he seemed angry at my mother for things she did during their marriage (which ended 20 years ago) and seemed to be blaming me. This was apparently sparked by the fact that my mother attended his mother's funeral, which was some how both a horrible thing for her to do and my fault. He was also accusing me of not hugging his wife goodbye on two occasions, both 5+ years ago. I have no specific memory of how or if I told her goodbye either visit. I don't have many positive feelings towards his wife, based on how she treated me as a child when I was in their home, but I honestly doubt I was specifically being malicious. He kept coming back to whether or not we should have a relationship at all. I was hurt and shocked by the phone call.

Before calling him back, I spoke at length with my minister about it. I didn't and still don't want to end my relationship with him. However, I felt he was asking me to chose between my own mother and his wife, based on how they had each treated HIM, and I had no clue how to respond to such a bizarre conversation. In the end I sent him this email:



He replied a week and a half later, on New Years Day, with this:


I am so incredibly hurt by this email. I'm 29 years old. My parent's divorced 20 years ago. I've been married for 10 years. I've contacted him numerous times in those years. How could he possibly see me as only my mother and not myself? I have not responded. I have no clue how or if I should respond. I don't know if I should be telling people (specifically my extended family on his side who I am in contact with and my younger brothers with whom he has less contact then he has with me). I don't want to let him off of the hook here. And honestly, I just desperately want my father to love me for who I am.

As much as you want to dad to love you for who you are---it is clear by email (and phone conversation) that this is never going to happen. Your dad is totally selfish and self-absorbed. He's also immature. What father (or person for that matter) still hangs on to crap that happened 20 years ago---and worse, when the object of his issues/anger/whatever this is--is a child.
He seems like he'd be a really miserable person to be around--his email is really sick, you know? Just hateful and cruel. Run the other way--don't respond and let this go. It's painful, I know--having been through something similar, but really, let it go and put your energy into your healthy family.

[lach]

I'm sorry to crash from New Posts... but he sounds mentally ill. When I started reading your post my thought was "Jeez, lady. His mother just died. Cut him some slack." But after reading what you had to say, and then his email, the only possible conclusion I can come to is that he is not a healthy individual. While it is probably really hard to cut him out of your life, I would think about your kids, and if having this sad and twisted individual in their lives is in their best interests. That might make it easier for you to accept the inevitable: that he is not a well person and probably quite poisonous to your self-esteem and your life.

[Violet2]

Just one thought, when people die, especially immediate family, it can really ramp up dysfunctional behavior. So don't do anything irreparable because things may calm down and stabilize in a good place in a year or so

I'm sure, sadly, your father does feel the way he says he does at some level but I bet it's magnified a thousand fold by the loss of his mother.

Time may heal some of his grief to where he can be a father to you again.

V

[dachshundqueen]

I think that I would let this lie for a while. He is clearly having issue with unresolved feelings from the divorce and then grieving over his mom's death.

I wouldn't say to totally cut him out of your life or cut him slack, but give it time. He may come to realize his own mortality and want to have a decent relationship with you.

His letter was terribly hurtful, but perhaps cathartic for him in his frustrations to be a good parent but to him kept on the sidelines (as my mother was).

Liz

[Flower of Bliss]

Thank you all for your replies. I'm still sorting through all of this. At the moment I'm leaning towards sending a reply that basically says that I do and always have wanted a relationship with him, and the door is open if he wants it at a later point. I may add the cavout that that can't include a relationship where he continues to drag up how my mother wronged him during their marriage and his second wife (his secretary and mistress when he initiated the divorce) saved his life. Our first conversation about what my mother did wrong in their marriage was when I was a young teenager (and he told me things one should NEVER tell a child), and we've had several others, all started by him since then. This last one was the first time it sounded like he somehow blamed me for my mothers actions. He plays the victim role about their marriage, and in life in general.

At the moment I don't intend to tell my brothers or my mother about any of this, as I think it would hurt my brothers and I don't want my mother to feel guilty for showing up at her ex-MILs funeral (my grandmother was a wonderful loving woman, was her MIL for 11 years, and was the grandmother of all 3 of her children). My fathers recent behaviour would have horrified my grandmother, and in part, I fear he simply waited until she was gone to do it. I also plan to contact at least one of my aunts (his sisters) soonish and request that they keep me in the loop of family news, as my father does/will not.

Just to clarify, my father has never met either of my children. Shockingly DD1 (3 years old) has never asked me about my father, and so, short of having seen some pictures, she knows nothing about him. I haven't seen him in about 5 years. He moved from one state over to across the country during my pregnancy with DD1 (in fact I figured out he'd moved in my conversation with him hours after her birth when I called to tell him she was here). His parents, siblings, and large tight knit extended family mostly all live one state over from me, and as an adult, I have tried to stay in touch with them and visit them when I'm in state, although it's still about a 1.5 hour drive from where my mother and ILs live, so I don't always manage the trip during our short visits. The visits to see them are always emotionally hard on me. With his parents, there was always the elephant in the room that I had no clue what was going on with my father, which they'd prefer pretend wasn't true. When not with my grandparents, my aunts and uncles all go on and on about how disappointed they are in him for his lack of being a father to me and apologize for it, which is both affirming for me and awkward at the same time.

I've done lots of reaching out to my father in the last 10 years, calling him, sending him photographs of my children and scanned photographs of my brothers and I with him, emailing, etc. I was really hurt by his lack of reaction to the birth of DD1, the pictures of her I sent to him, and so on. I had it in my head me having children would result in us being more in contact, not less.

As a result, I was more protective of myself with my second pregnancy and "only" sent him a pregnancy announcement in the mail (a Valentines day card made by DD1 signed from all of us and "new baby due August 2009) - to which he never responded at all, an email with ultrasound pictures saying she was a girl (to which he also never responded), and an email announcement of her birth with pictures (again, no response). He did call me the week of her due date and ask if he'd "missed the news" of her birth. We spoke for about an hour. It was the last time I spoke to him until the day his mother died.

I'm having lots of trouble grappling with his email. I look at my girls and can't fathom anything that would make me want "pull the plug" on our relationship. I watch my girls with their Daddy and mourn all that I have lost. It's just heartbreakingly horrible.

[ebethmom]

I'm sorry, Sage. It sounds like your Dad has a lot of issues. I wonder if mental illness plays any part in that.

[Violet2]

With the additional history, you may be right. It is probably not fixable.

I'm sorry. I know what you mean about watching yourself or your partner with your kids. The moments where you realize what you have missed cut deep.



V

[Viola]

His e-mail makes it sound like he doesn't even see you as a person, that he's projecting all his issues with your mother onto you. The idea that he could never measure up, I could see someone feeling that way when newly divorced and with you as a child. But he has had plenty of chances once you were an adult and trying to get him to know his grandchildren and the filter of your mother shouldn't really even come into play at this point. It sounds like he is just too concerned with his own view and how he feels other people see him to really recognize what he is doing. I hope he eventually can get a new perspective.

[lach]

Originally Posted by Flower of Bliss

Thank you all for your replies. I'm still sorting through all of this. At the moment I'm leaning towards sending a reply that basically says that I do and always have wanted a relationship with him, and the door is open if he wants it at a later point.

I would not do this. I think it might backfire. Though it doesn't seem like this situation could get much worse, I think if you just didn't respond it would just justify his totally irrational belief that you are somehow to blame for everything in his life. I would just let it lie, and who knows: maybe he'll have some sort of deathbed conversion and apologize. I wouldn't hold my breath for that... but I also wouldn't engage him right now.

[Flower of Bliss]

Originally Posted by lach

I would not do this. I think it might backfire. Though it doesn't seem like this situation could get much worse, I think if you just didn't respond it would just justify his totally irrational belief that you are somehow to blame for everything in his life. I would just let it lie, and who knows: maybe he'll have some sort of deathbed conversion and apologize. I wouldn't hold my breath for that... but I also wouldn't engage him right now.

That's my debate. I don't want to engage him and start some arguement and open the door for him to say more awful things to me. However, at the same time, not responding feels like consenting or even agreeing. I don't want this email to be our last contact ever. I hate to even imagine that possibility.

[lach]

Originally Posted by Flower of Bliss

That's my debate. I don't want to engage him and start some arguement and open the door for him to say more awful things to me. However, at the same time, not responding feels like consenting or even agreeing. I don't want this email to be our last contact ever. I hate to even imagine that possibility.

To be totally blunt, I think that responding would be stooping to his level. It would be making your relationship on his terms: a series of go-nowhere emails where he gets to be awful and you get to feel bad. I think that by replying, you're consenting to his version of events. If you just let sleeping dogs lie, you're taking back your dignity in this relationship, and not giving him the chance to continue to berate you.

[Belia]

I am so sorry that you are facing this. My dad and I had a similar "tiff" almost a year ago, although not NEARLY as big as this one (although I did think he was cutting me out) and it was horrible. Just horrible.

His email sounds selfish and like he's letting himself off the hook. Wrong on so many levels. You deserve to be loved and cherished 100% and unconditionally by your father. If he cannot or will not do that..... that's his issue, his fault, his loss.

Again, I am so sorry.

[Flower of Bliss]

So, I'm thinking about hte mental illness comments and wondering. I wouldn't know if he had such a diagnoses, and honestly, I doubt he'd seek out help or diagnoses anyway. One of my brothers is bipolar, diagnosed at around 19 years old, now 26. I wonder if my father does have some mental illness. I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse... It might mean that in his heart he doesn't really hate ME for what MY MOTHER did 20+ years ago, but it might also mean that in a way he IS the victim he's always claiming to be...

I guess I'll never really know. It's hard to just not know where this will end.

As much as I feel like just letting it be and letting go, I'm really struggling here. This is my Daddy. He might have sucked as a father, and I've felt hurt by his behavior, threatened by the sheer existence of his wife and her children that he raised instead of us, rejected, and on and on, but I honestly never once doubted that in his own way my Daddy loved me.

It's just shattering. I'm falling apart. I'm furious and so hurt. and I am mourning the loss of my grandmother.... and my sweet wonderful DH is having health issues, and...

I just can't process it all.

[Britishmum]

Sometimes we have to look at things clearly and realize that what we want is not the same as what is, and move on. I really understand that you want your father to love you and have a relationship, but the fact is that he is not the man to do this. I think you can waste precious energy and emotion trying to create an illusion of something that is just not going to exist.

I went through a similar process for years, then someone very wise showed me how to reframe the whole thing in my mind. My mother was never going to love me and I could not change that. It was not my fault - I was an innocent child and the issue was hers, not mine. I could have blond hair (I believed for years that having brown hair was the reason I wasn't loved) or be thin (I believed for years that I must be fat - which I was not - and that if I were thinner, she'd love me), but she was never going to love me. Never had, never will. It's a fact, and I am totally at peace with it now. It is sad, but only for that little girl who was unloved, not for me as an adult who has processed it, accepted it, and moved on.

I had to let go of that unloved little girl, love myself more, and seek the relationships that I wanted elsewhere.

Nobody else can be your biological father, but other people sure as heck can take up part of that role in your life. Find uncles, friends, neighbours, teachers, community members who fulfil that need in you for a fatherly love and acceptance. Let the man who is your biological father go, and accept that he cannot be and will not be what you want him to be. Once you face it, and seek that love elsewhere, you will free yourself from this endless search for something that you cannot have.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it is the truth. I found it incredibly liberating to face that truth and embrace it. I hope that you can find peace with this.

[oceanbaby]

Originally Posted by Flower of Bliss

As much as I feel like just letting it be and letting go, I'm really struggling here. This is my Daddy. He might have sucked as a father, and I've felt hurt by his behavior, threatened by the sheer existence of his wife and her children that he raised instead of us, rejected, and on and on, but I honestly never once doubted that in his own way my Daddy loved me.

I completely understand this. It is exactly what I have gone through, and it is so hard. I know my Dad loves me, but I also know that it is own limitations that make it difficult for him to have a relationship with me. It is definitely a grieving process, and I encourage you to treat it as such.

As far as whether to email him or not, I try not to focus as much on the other person's reaction (over which we have no control), but rather on my intention and what I feel is healthy for me. For me, it felt much better to make clear to my father that I love him and that my door is always open. I wanted to go to sleep at night knowing for sure that he knew that. I do know there are situations in which it would open you up to more grief, and you have to decide that for yourself. It is a vulnerable act, but one that made me feel much more at peace with the situation.