My father just dumped me - Page 2

[Moonqueen]

I am sorry you are going through this

I am going to disagree with most of the replies and suggest you try to read what your father is not writing.While his letter does seem a bit harsh, I wonder how much of it is an immature way of dealing with his own guilt and grief - perhaps with some encouragement from his second wife. He spends a paragraph telling you he wanted to be a better father (though he doesn't give one explicitly, an apology may lurk in there somewhere). It almost sounds like an insecure child's plea for reassurance - "you don't love me so I won't love you anymore."
I agree with Violet2 and with your own reply. I would not sever the possibility of a relationship in the future right now. I would go with what you mentioned...telling him that the door is open if he wants a relationship later on. Sure, there's a possibility that there is mental illness or there is no hope...but perhaps he has poor coping skills - and his mother's death has overwhelmed him - on top of losing his mother, your inability to be there, him faced with his failed marriage again, a reminder of his being a crappy father, obviously a lot of anger toward your mother...
Again, I am sorry for what you are going through. After not having him present for most of my life, I am slowly building a relationship with my own father. I understand how difficult it can be to build one almost from scratch.

[JayJay]

I read the thread and couldn't sit here silent because I think there are some things you need to know.

First of all, I am so very sorry this has happened. You're right: he is your daddy. Your daddy - he should be right there in your life, helping you with your own issues, not this depressed and depressive figure in the shadows, not really living at all. And you know, it's okay to feel very, very sad about this, as his daughter - we never let go of our parents: something he now has the opportunity to grasp with the loss of his own mother... We're always connected. One cannot "sever" a relationship with one's family - no matter how hard one tries. The fabric of time and space in our world will connect us closely for as long as we live, and depending on our beliefs, after we've died as well.

The problem is not with the connection, but with our own humanity. Human beings can be very spiritually and mentally healthy, or, they can be unhealthy in that regard. While I agree with some previous posters that bipolar disorder - or manic depression (which to me is a much more accurate and descriptive name for what is essentially a series of highs and lows - something I dealt with in my teens) - might well be at play here. But I don't like boxes very much, to be honest: they don't allow for much play in the human condition. So, I will go further.

Your Dad is having some trouble. It sounds like he's been having trouble for a very long time. At some point in the distant past, in his life - most likely in early childhood - he's had a series of events happen, or he has been treated a certain way by someone that made him this adult person who behaves this way. What I can say is that the person was not you!

Now throughout his life, as you say, he's been trying to divert as much responsibility for everything onto other people as he can. Essentially, that is what is known as "not growing up" really! Normally (and this seems to have been hijacked a bit by our overly litigious society recently, but whatever...) as we grow, we take more responsibility for ourselves, our actions and the situations we find ourselves in. When things go wrong, a healthy person can examine the situation (eventually) and admit fault on some things and at the very least, develop an understanding of what might have happened.

Your Dad sounds like he prefers the other route: placing all blame on others because that way, he does not have to examine himself. To do this with one of his own children certainly would signal that in fact, he has never learned how to be responsible. Because bipolar/manic or not, his letter demonstrated a depth of will and decision regarding the relationship between you that was most certainly not accidental, but willful. His life may have led to depression, yes, but this decision making of his is not all depression - it's irresponsibility as well.

You must have a lovely mother. Oftentimes, your father's type of people marry their partners expecting to be mothered (or fathered) and then of course, in their immature minds their own mothers are never good enough, so their partners cannot be either. So, throughout relationships, the partners get the brunt of the blame and often get at least emotionally abused by a person who just isn't able to have a proper grown up relationship. Ironically you might, in the end find that your paternal grandmother has something to do with this...

His being angry at this juncture then makes perfect sense. Your own mother couldn't meet his demands for mothering, so now that his actual mother is gone, he has unresolved feelings of anger toward your mother for not having been able to take over the role. Since his own parenting needs were not "met" he's not going to be able to be a father to anyone else either...

So probably in a misguided attempt to reverse time and put himself back in a childlike position, he discards you. Because if he is a father, then he cannot be a child...

I do think this has been precipitated by the death of his mother, this latest "thing" - but the rest of it, well, that's probably simply the way that his upbringing has left him. Ideally the death of his mother will help him to grow into the adult he needs to be. You might find actually, that in the coming months he has to re-examine himself and the way he has been living and actually can finally escape the small-child-psyche he's been carrying about with him for so long. Alternatively, he might try to make his current wife even more motherly...which will probably lead to marital strife and probably another divorce...

Anyway enough conjecture! The main thing to take away is that this is NOTHING to do with you as a daughter. You have every right to feel mad and hurt. It's not because you're a bad daughter, and it has nothing to do with your mother, who was probably a really excellent wife in the end. He's likely still hurting because deep down, he knows that and actually wants to become a man...

*HUGE hugs* mama. It'll all be okay in the end. XxXXxX

[Marsupialmom]

I come from a different place, so I might be projecting. (I did not talk to my dad for years. Our relationship now is much more different.)

I do not understand why your mom went to the funeral. There is hard feelings between your dad and her. It was HIS mother. She should have been more respectful and visted when he wasn't there. If she has been part of that family I am sure she could have manage a visit to the funeral home when he was gone. Or said her good byes at another time. No matter how much part of the family she has been, she should have put her needs to the side for him and HIS family.

Remember your dad is greiving. Grief can bring up a lot of raw emotions from other situations.

My mom did interfer with my dad's parenting. She was minipulative, emotionally, and verbally abusive. It took me many years to see how my mom created a lot of the situations that she blamed my dad on.

1. My dad wanted to co-sleep. She wouldn't allow it, it would spoil us
2. My dad hated CIO.
3. MY mom would tell my dad he was a failure because we would cry to long.
4. Many little ideas that he had were wrong. I could go on on the ways she did interfer with the relationship. Her way was the only way (this does not absolve my dad's bad behavior).
5. Your mom might have interfered more than you realize. Little ways of her disrespecting, belittling, or countering his parental decissions.

I have a feeling your dad has felt for a long time disrespected by your mom. Then your mom showed up to his mom's funural. He felt even more disrespected. She did not take a momment to think about how that would make him feel.

You gave exsuces why you didn't make time (some what understandable) to focus on him when his mom died. I can see how he feels a kick in the face. It is not what you intended but I can see how he would feel second when he needed to be put at a higher priority.

You tell him in his grief of loosing his mother (your grandmother) you can't give him the time. Personnally "I can give it attention right now" would have been a kick in the face! How would you feel if your mom died and your child/husband said "I can give it attention right now." I would be hurt!

You could talk about how your first Christmas in your new home is more important that talking to him. You want him to be excited for you but you can be sorry for/with him-- that is how he read it. I honestly would feel majority crappy if anyone one would tell me that while I was grieving.

You mention you manage an out of state trip but to his home, you could only think of her often --- I can see how he feels that these other people were more important than him, his mom, and their grandmother. His mom is only an often thought.

I do not know all your entire story but that letter that you wrong, putting me off until February, after my mom died would have hurt. For me, it is saying you could not stop for a few minutes to grieve with me about your grand mother.

I am wonderding if he feels that you treat him with the same disregard as your mother did. This might no be right but that is how he feels.

[Flower of Bliss]

Ok, further updates, and replies to recent post...

First off, I've decided to start therapy. I had my first session last week. I'm teetering on the edges of depression and really struggling day to day. I think all of this was a huge factor, but not the sole cause. It all happened when I was 4 months postpartum and already pretty shaky emotionally. Some health stuff with my DH (not life threatening, but life changing for he and I) is another big factor.

Adding context to my email... My father called me the day of his mother's death (though not in the 2 days she was in the hospital and he was traveling to see her). We spoke very briefly. I'm about 7 hours away by car from where my grandmother lived, and have a DD who was 4 months old as well as a 3 year old. It was a Friday at about 5pm. In that call, he said that funeral arrangements were not yet made, but it would likely be early in the week, and he'd get back to me. I stammered on about hoping to go and trying to figure out if I could. Needless to say I wasn't exactly collected and thinking straight. He also said that he wanted to tell my brothers' himself and asked for their phone numbers - yep, he didn't know where they live or how to contact them.

I called him Saturday numerous times to find out about funeral arrangements, and confirm that my brothers (who only live about 1 hour away from the funeral) had heard the news. He never answered or returned my calls. I called again on Sunday. Finally Sunday afternoon I called one of my aunts, who gave me the info about the funeral, which was to be Monday morning. At that point it was really too late for me to go, and my aunt went on and on about rain and not bringing my little ones, and waiting to come later when my grandfather could really visit with the girls. I really struggled with the idea of not going. I seriously considered driving Saturday or Sunday even though I didn't know funeral plans, but my DH couldn't come, and I really didn't think I could go alone and handle my girls and myself without his support. I asked my aunt if she knew when my father would be leaving town, hoping that I could manage to go midweek to see them even if I couldn't make the funeral. She had no clue. In the end I told both of my brothers myself. Neither had heard from him at all. By then, neither of them made it to the funeral either.

Considering that I'd called numerous times and left a couple of messages, I expected a call back from my father eventually, and was still considering going on Wed or Thurs. DD woke up late Tuesday night puking and we entered stomach bug craziness for the rest of the week.

When my father called me it was the next Saturday. He had already gotten home (to NC, about a 3 day drive?? from me). He did not want to talk about his mother. In fact, he didn't mention her at all, besides to say "the funeral". He wanted to yell at me about my mother, and somehow by extension myself. He even said several things that resulted in me telling him, in tears at the sting of such bizarre accusations, that my DH and I are in a monogamous relationship!!! Whether or not she should have gone to the funeral, I sure as heck didn't send her. I'm not responsible for her actions, during their marriage or now. Honestly, I don't think it occurred to her that her attendance would upset my father. I find it hard to believe she attended with any malicious intent at all. They've been divorced for 20 years, and I don't think they've seen each other or spoken since my wedding 10 years ago. I doubt she has a clue that he's still carrying around old stuff about their marriage.

FWIW, my mother was a very AP mom. We were BF for 18-30 months each. We coslept, never did CIO, she used gentle discipline, etc. As a child post divorce, my brothers and I were treated very poorly at my father's house. We were yelled at and threatened often; his wife screamed things in our faces about our mother (mostly related to our vegetarian diet and how it "could get us taken away from her," but also about what a generally awful person she was); if we cried, she'd say "Do you want me to give you something to cry about?"; my youngest brother at about 4ish was terrified of showers, but was forced daily showers when there; I was forced full glasses of milk with every meal, which make me sick; my step mother often "got sick" while we where there and lay in bed demanding my father take care of her; she used the n word liberally; etc. I could go on and on. Most of this was my step mother, but my father stood by her. We did not have regular visits there (that was his doing, he even moved out of town and later out of state without contacting us about it at all. We'd find out months later.) By my teen years I refused to spend the night there, after an especially bad incident.

My mother has rarely spoken to me about my father as a parent. She'll periodically mention us looking like him/his family. She encouraged me to actively include my aunts on his side in my wedding planning. In the last couple of years as I've had my little ones she's done some reminiscing of her years as a mom of littles that mention my father, but not name calling by any means.

My mom's not perfect. I don't think she was necessarily a great wife to my father, nor was he a great husband to her. They are both undoubtedly better off apart. I'm not calling my mother an angel here. I assure you. Really it's just not about her. I'm not taking credit for her actions.

[HeatherB]

Sage, I just saw this in recent posts and can't not respond.

First off, BIG hugs. It is heartbreaking to read, and I can't imagine being in that situation. I think you have made very wise choices so far, but the heartbreak is undeniable.

I don't really have any advice. I have a not-so-great father, and all I've ever wanted is for him to love me for who I am. I have been awfully messed up for a lot of years because of his problems and inability to love me the way I need to be loved; only in the last 5-10 years have I really begun to figure out what all of them were. I'm grateful my dad is *trying* to be a good dad and grandfather now, so it's really not the same. But I know that longing and it brings me to tears.

I hope the therapy is helpful and that you can find wholeness even without what it seems your father is incapable of giving.

[Marsupialmom]

Originally Posted by Flower of Bliss

Ok, further updates, and replies to recent post...

First off, I've decided to start therapy. I had my first session last week. I'm teetering on the edges of depression and really struggling day to day. I think all of this was a huge factor, but not the sole cause. It all happened when I was 4 months postpartum and already pretty shaky emotionally. Some health stuff with my DH (not life threatening, but life changing for he and I) is another big factor.

Adding context to my email... My father called me the day of his mother's death (though not in the 2 days she was in the hospital and he was traveling to see her). We spoke very briefly. I'm about 7 hours away by car from where my grandmother lived, and have a DD who was 4 months old as well as a 3 year old. It was a Friday at about 5pm. In that call, he said that funeral arrangements were not yet made, but it would likely be early in the week, and he'd get back to me. I stammered on about hoping to go and trying to figure out if I could. Needless to say I wasn't exactly collected and thinking straight. He also said that he wanted to tell my brothers' himself and asked for their phone numbers - yep, he didn't know where they live or how to contact them.

I called him Saturday numerous times to find out about funeral arrangements, and confirm that my brothers (who only live about 1 hour away from the funeral) had heard the news. He never answered or returned my calls. I called again on Sunday. Finally Sunday afternoon I called one of my aunts, who gave me the info about the funeral, which was to be Monday morning. At that point it was really too late for me to go, and my aunt went on and on about rain and not bringing my little ones, and waiting to come later when my grandfather could really visit with the girls. I really struggled with the idea of not going. I seriously considered driving Saturday or Sunday even though I didn't know funeral plans, but my DH couldn't come, and I really didn't think I could go alone and handle my girls and myself without his support. I asked my aunt if she knew when my father would be leaving town, hoping that I could manage to go midweek to see them even if I couldn't make the funeral. She had no clue. In the end I told both of my brothers myself. Neither had heard from him at all. By then, neither of them made it to the funeral either.

Considering that I'd called numerous times and left a couple of messages, I expected a call back from my father eventually, and was still considering going on Wed or Thurs. DD woke up late Tuesday night puking and we entered stomach bug craziness for the rest of the week.

When my father called me it was the next Saturday. He had already gotten home (to NC, about a 3 day drive?? from me). He did not want to talk about his mother. In fact, he didn't mention her at all, besides to say "the funeral". He wanted to yell at me about my mother, and somehow by extension myself. He even said several things that resulted in me telling him, in tears at the sting of such bizarre accusations, that my DH and I are in a monogamous relationship!!! Whether or not she should have gone to the funeral, I sure as heck didn't send her. I'm not responsible for her actions, during their marriage or now. Honestly, I don't think it occurred to her that her attendance would upset my father. I find it hard to believe she attended with any malicious intent at all. They've been divorced for 20 years, and I don't think they've seen each other or spoken since my wedding 10 years ago. I doubt she has a clue that he's still carrying around old stuff about their marriage.

FWIW, my mother was a very AP mom. We were BF for 18-30 months each. We coslept, never did CIO, she used gentle discipline, etc. As a child post divorce, my brothers and I were treated very poorly at my father's house. We were yelled at and threatened often; his wife screamed things in our faces about our mother (mostly related to our vegetarian diet and how it "could get us taken away from her," but also about what a generally awful person she was); if we cried, she'd say "Do you want me to give you something to cry about?"; my youngest brother at about 4ish was terrified of showers, but was forced daily showers when there; I was forced full glasses of milk with every meal, which make me sick; my step mother often "got sick" while we where there and lay in bed demanding my father take care of her; she used the n word liberally; etc. I could go on and on. Most of this was my step mother, but my father stood by her. We did not have regular visits there (that was his doing, he even moved out of town and later out of state without contacting us about it at all. We'd find out months later.) By my teen years I refused to spend the night there, after an especially bad incident.

My mother has rarely spoken to me about my father as a parent. She'll periodically mention us looking like him/his family. She encouraged me to actively include my aunts on his side in my wedding planning. In the last couple of years as I've had my little ones she's done some reminiscing of her years as a mom of littles that mention my father, but not name calling by any means.

My mom's not perfect. I don't think she was necessarily a great wife to my father, nor was he a great husband to her. They are both undoubtedly better off apart. I'm not calling my mother an angel here. I assure you. Really it's just not about her. I'm not taking credit for her actions.

Please understand, I said I was coming froma different place for a reason.

Yes your dad is acting badly. I did not have all the back information. I still don't think your mom should have gone to the funeral. That IMO was wrong. THAT doesn't mean your dad is acting right but it was disrespectful of him.

[GearGirl]

Wow, I'm really sorry, that must have been very shocking and hurtful to get that e-mail, particularly since you have been trying to have a relationship with him. Some people can't be there for us, for whatever reason. It sucks when it is someone you want to be close to, like a dad. It's hard to come to a place where we have to accept that we just don't have that "daddy" person in our lives. I could go on and on about some similarities to what you've said, but I'll spare you the details except to say that I could imagine getting this e-mail at some point from my dad, but he passed away suddenly 7 years ago. He had only met my two year old twice, even though he and his wife had tons of $ and traveled frequently. He also put all of his $ in her name and left us nothing, he probably had millions. I tried to have a relationship, there were even times when I thought we were ok, but I think it was wishful thinking. I have had to come to a place where I realize I didn't ever have a "dad" in the storybook sense, and move on. Had he not died I might still be trying, and probably still getting my feelings hurt. I'm sad for you because I can understand what this feels like, and I guess if I can offer anything it is just to say that you really can't change him, so just decide what you want to offer him as far as a relationship goes, if anything, and try to accept what the relationship is and what it will never be. He isn't rejecting you, he is rejecting his role as a parent. That says a whole lot about him, but it is nothing bad about you.

[csekywithlove]

I've read this thread and I hope some of this helps:

First off, you have done nothing wrong. As a daughter you have always been his, and obviously an attentive one at that. The fact that he can't see how wonderful you are is his loss. You are or at least should be so special to him. You were unable to go to the funeral and seeing as how he did not even contact your brothers, I believe that your mother going almost in the stead of you children was not wrong. I have been to several funerals where ex wives were at their former MIL funerals and if they had children between them it was totally acceptable.

Also. I believe that a mental illness is highly probable. He does sound immature and childish yes. But one thing you have to understand about bi-polar especially if that is what he has, speculating here, is that they have at times an "all or nothing" mentality. While depression is a deep seated issue his needing reassurance from you is almost to me a cry for attention. I do believe that his mother's death is increasing his instability. In the email he seemed to me to be manic. So perhaps he may feel differently later and even regret what he sent to you, though he may never tell you that.

I think you should discuss this in therapy and get some advice on this. The situation is tense, to say the least. But he is your father and I know you feel as though he dumped you... But if it were me... I would try and try. In a way I would almost want to confront him, I am not saying you should. But what I am saying is... I wouldn't go away. He may feel like he can walk away from you... But make sure he knows that you won't walk away from him...


I wish the best for you dear. Hang in there. :s::

[momo7]

I wish i could hug you. I wish i could help in some small way. I totally sympathize with you. I am pretty much dealing with the same problem with my own mother. I wish could make it better. We deserve parents who loved us, Even as adults the desire to love and be loved by our parents is so overwhelming it's heart breaking.

I'm left with the feeling like I want to ask my own mother, WTF did I ever do to you? I was only a child and you are holding me hostage for something I didn't even do to you. Comparing me to individuals that as a child I couldn't even remotely begin to understand, compare with or generally hold my own against.

It's just so...painful. My heart is with you Mama.

[FelixMom]

What did your minister have to say about all this?

Hugs to you for having to go through this terrible ordeal. I hope you are surrounded by other friends and extended family to help create the loving, healthy family you never had for your kids.

Keep the door open, but I wouldn't invite getting my feelings hurt again so soon by replying.

Kudos on getting therapy.

Create a healthy distance from your dad for now. Recover your strength and resources to be 100% to your DH and kids. THey are your true priority. If your dad has issues, he'll deal with them when and if he ever feels he has a problem. Which might be never. So don't put your life on hold.

[cymbeline]

I know it has been a while since this post, but I wanted to chime in quickly.

First, I wanted to say thank you, Sage, for your honesty and willingness to discuss this here. I came searching to see if anyone (like me) was dealing with the estrangement of a parent, and this was very helpful to read through.

Second, I wanted to add the perspective of a fellow woman and mother who is going through this. My mom and I had a falling out a few years ago. At first, I thought that it might pass as dramas with her usually have. Unfortunately, things have never gotten better.

Last year, I tried once again to reconcile things with her. I was due with my fourth child, and I invited her to come and visit when he was born, reminding her that this could be an opportunity for us to find a way to make a fresh start. She rejected me wholeheartedly, even said that she had meditated and spoken to my grandparents (who are both deceased) and that they told her to "let me go." Imagine that, my dead grandparents sided with her on this one from the beyond, so I was rejected by not just one but TWO generations.

The hardest part is acceptance. I can't make my mother treat me differently. I can't change how she perceives me. My parents also divorced a long time ago and she is very bitter that I have a relationship -- and a good one at that -- with my bio dad. I can't change her feelings and I can't get back the years that I have lost with her and the ones my children have lost as well.

I struggle daily with the loss. Mostly, I am scared. I have a terrible fear that someday my children will reject me as well. My oldest is 10 and starting to ask questions. I don't know how to explain this situation to him in a way that he can understand. I feel angry with her for putting me in this position.

I don't have any advice, just commiseration. This has been incredibly difficult. I hope therapy and time will help you through this experience. *hugs*

[RiverTam]

Originally Posted by cymbeline

I struggle daily with the loss. Mostly, I am scared. I have a terrible fear that someday my children will reject me as well. My oldest is 10 and starting to ask questions. I don't know how to explain this situation to him in a way that he can understand. I feel angry with her for putting me in this position.

I don't have any advice, just commiseration. This has been incredibly difficult. I hope therapy and time will help you through this experience. *hugs*

It is incredibly difficult. My deceased mother was an addict. She repeatedly overdosed in the last three years. We argued bitterly about it and about her drug use around my children. I finally told her that she couldn't see the children or me until she got clean. She died in a car wreck March without getting clean. (She was high and crossed the center line into on-coming traffic.) I hadn't seen her in 17 months.

I share your fear about your kids rejecting you. At the same time, I know that I'm a much better mother than my mother was. She had kids at a very young age and hated it. I had kids at an older age and love it. I have a very different relationship with my kids. I'm going to work hard on being a mom that they want to be around when they're adults.