~*Biblical Marriage with Wifely Submission #14 2010*~

[AFWife]

I am SO glad the previous thread gained so much support! Let's keep it going in 2010!!!!

[waldorfknitmama]

I'm here!!!! My new year's resolution is to REALLY try my ABSOLUTE HARDEST to submit and be the best helpmeet to hubby as I can. It's really getting easier for me than previously and our family is so much happier for the better. I really enjoy coming here for support, it can be a challange sometimes but it's worth it!

[CrunchyChristianMama]

I'm here!

[AFWife]

I really need motivation to do my half and take care of the house. Toward the end of the year it was such a mess (newly mobile baby will do that to a person)

[Soul-O]

Hi Mamas: Nice to see you all here, and Happy New Year.

As my DH is deployed and I have to act as the head of the family from time to time, we are struggling a bit with boundaries and maintaining appropriate roles in the face of this challenging time. Communication delays make it a bit tougher still. In general, I try to plan ahead so that big decisions do not have to be made until DH and I can talk about them. In the absence of conversation, I often pray to do God's will and be respectful of my DH when acting in his role. So far, we haven't had any disagreements about how I've handled big decisions. However, I could always use advice on how to best handle having to take on DH's role in a Biblical, prayerful manner.

TIA, and God Bless!

[chely7425]

Soul-O, me and DH have those same issues. He is in the Army and is gone a lot for training and deployments and who knows what else. I try and do the same as you as far as planning ahead to be able to speak with him and praying about it when I can't. We also try and talk about things before he deploys... like, if we think some big purchases might need to be made or some other possible big thing we try and talk about how to handle it.

One of my resolutions for the new year is also to work on being a better helpmeet and less... I dunno, grumpy? I tend to get really pissy with DH when I feel like he isn't living up to what he should be doing if that makes sense. Any thoughts on how to better handle that?

[sbrinton]

I'd like to join your thread.

My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have three boys, ages 5, 2 1/2 and 1. When we had been married about one year, we went to a marriage retreat at our church where we first heard about Biblical submission. I'm not sure how we avoided that issue in all our marriage counseling when we were engaged, but it was brand new to us when we had been married for a year. Seven years later, we're still trying to live out what it means to be Biblical in our marriage.

Sometimes I do well, sometimes I sin and fail. Our marriage is probably at one of the rougher spots right now. Lots of stress, plus I am dealing with postpartum depression. I'm having a hard time trusting my husband in some areas, although I see him trying and I am trying to remember that God is working on us both.

[sbrinton]

As far as resolutions, the main one is to DATE MY HUSBAND more! We need to figure out regular date times as well as a few times to get away together.

[fierrbugg]

Originally Posted by sbrinton

As far as resolutions, the main one is to DATE MY HUSBAND more! We need to figure out regular date times as well as a few times to get away together.

I like that one.

Hi ladies: I ducked out of the thread several months ago - well basically because my marriage imploded. BUT, dh and I are trying to work things out - we've been through so much since Sept., but God has been so faithful to us. We're trying to get things back on track, Christ-centered marriage and working on each of us. We're in a home team with two amazing couples who are the marriage mentors of the group and other couples in crisis and this week we just started a series on the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggrerich (sp).

At the end of July, I lost my job and can not for the life of me find another job - not even a part-time one. I can't tell you how many resumes and applications I have put in and have only gotten called for two interviews this entire time. It's frustrating - but I'm trusting that God will lead me to the right position that will truly make me happy - since I haven't worked a job that I've loved ever in my life. Well in college I worked at an NHRA drag strip and I did love that.

One of the issues that we're facing as we're trying to rebuild our marriage, is my mil. She's always been a huge problem. We lived next door to her for the first 1 1/2 years of marriage and it was awful. When dh and I met she literally talked to him like she was 3. In the first years of our marriage we fought about her alot. There's history there, hurt feelings from the past which I have moved on from (I hope). To her, nothing dh has done is good enough (I've literally heard her tell people that he uses her for her $ and she's convinced them that he leaves her destitute!!). She's critical of every decision we've made as a married couple (we got married too young (22 & 24), purchased our house too young, etc.). Also she's very manipulative and must be the center of attention. Luckily, we now live about 20 miles away from her and she won't drive the freeways and doesn't like driving at night so there's a cushion because the only time we see her is when we choose to.

When we were in crisis in late 2009, and the D word was on the horizon alot (dh's favorite word for a few months), I decided to make peace w/ mil, took her out to lunch and we spent an afternoon talking our stuff out. I mentioned that we hadn't been going to church as much as we should, and I thought that had contributed to our marriage issues. She replied that I had to understand that dh hadn't gone to church as a child at all and church was just a social club anyway. She has lots of anger for organized religion, particularly the Catholic church who she feels abandoned her and her 6 siblings and mom after her father filed for divorce and walked out . . . . I guess the story is that he convinced some high up church official that he wanted to join the ministry and the day the church annulled (?) her parents marriage, her dad married wife #2. Idk how accurate that is, but that's the history as I understand it.

Anyway, all of a sudden mil has decided that to get close to us again, she looooves our little bible thumping church and now expects us to come and get her every weekend to take her to church. Normally we feed her too. I feel bad, but having to figure out how to get the gas $ to drive 80 miles every weekend to go pick her up, feed her, and take her home again irks me. I know it's selfish, and I know that I should do this with a glad heart. Dh doesn't like being her taxi on a limited income either, but says well what are we going to do? And maybe this is a way for my mother to get right with God in her old age. Plus we're trying to jumpstart a Total Money Makeover ala Dave Ramsey in 2010 on just dh's salary and my unemployment. He's going to have to work OT to accomplish this especially until I can find a job. While I see the ministry aspect of picking mil up, I'm bogged down by implications on our very tight budget. I'm praying that I will find the way to do this with a sincere and not grumpy heart. In the mean time, does anyone have any words of wisdom or suggestions on how to fake it?

[chely7425]

Seems like a lot of people have had a rough go of it during the later part of 2009. I know we did, maybe still are. When DH was deployed last I got used to making a lot of decisions on my own, just out of neccesity. He wasn't here and communication was limited, I never made any BIG decisions without him but day to day stuff or medium level things I kinda had to figure out on my own. So now he is home and it is hard for us to readjust. I feel like when I really NEED him to have an opinion or make a decision he just tells me to do whatever I want, which kind of destroys my faith in his leadership which leads to me just making a decision which then leads to him not wanting to lead because I just do it. GAH! That probably made no sense.. I guess I am just looking for advice? Any books or bible studies out there that could help?

[fierrbugg]

Originally Posted by chely7425

Seems like a lot of people have had a rough go of it during the later part of 2009. I know we did, maybe still are. When DH was deployed last I got used to making a lot of decisions on my own, just out of neccesity. He wasn't here and communication was limited, I never made any BIG decisions without him but day to day stuff or medium level things I kinda had to figure out on my own. So now he is home and it is hard for us to readjust. I feel like when I really NEED him to have an opinion or make a decision he just tells me to do whatever I want, which kind of destroys my faith in his leadership which leads to me just making a decision which then leads to him not wanting to lead because I just do it. GAH! That probably made no sense.. I guess I am just looking for advice? Any books or bible studies out there that could help?

Rachel,

I know my dh doesn't want to be bothered w/ the day to day operations around the house. He doesn't care what kind of decor etc., I buy. Idk what kind of decisions you're asking him to make, but perhaps it's just taking him time to adjust back to home life after being deployed. I'm sure the other ladies will reccomend a host of awesome books. A book that really helped me while my dh and I were seperated in Sept. was Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas. At the time what he said in the book just kept punching me between the eyes, but I found it extremely helpful in first validating me as a daughter of God and secondly helping me to understand the way my husband (or any man for that matter) thinks.

Also I mentioned previously that we just started a bible study based on the Love and Respect book. The basis for that ministry is Ephesians 5:33, which calls men to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands. If your faith in his leadership is destroyed - how are you manifesting that? Possibly by showing him disrespect in ways you probably don't even know you're doing it. Before Sept, I didn't realize how much I was emasculating and undermining my dh. Like I said, it hurt to read Sacred Influence, but I'm so thankful that I did and I'm really looking forward to learning more from this new bible study.

[chely7425]

I will definitely look for that book... I bet I can find it on Amazon? I don't really ask him much about the stuff around the house, I know he doesn't really care what I make for dinner unless he asks for something specific. He doesn't really care how I dress the kids as long as they are clothed, that sort of thing. I also manage our finances because with him being gone so much in the field or deployed he can't really do it, plus he self admittedly awful at it. But we do sit down and make our budget together, so all I really have to do is pay bills and keep track of how much money we have.

But like, last night... the wife of a guy he works with is going back to work and they asked my husband if I might babysit for them. I am currently watching a 3 month old 2 or 3 days a week, but this would be 4 or 5 days a week and probably 2-3 times as much money... so I asked DH what he would like me to do. I can't watch both babies and all he would say is do whatever you want. Which is SO not helpful, which annoys me, which in turn makes me say snippy things and then we both get pissy. I just hate that when I really need his input he just tells me to do whatever I want.

Also, I think I do demean and emasculate him without meaning too... or without realizing I'm doing it at any rate. I ordered that book just now, thank you for the link that simplified it!! Any other books would be great... or tips on how I can fix this since I know one of us needs to take that first step and that needs to be me.

[Moonprysm]

subbing

[cappuccinosmom]

Rachel, I'm anticipating similar problems when dh gets home. I've taken on a lot that isn't normally my sphere of responsibility, since he went to Ethiopia. I think it's going to be hard for him to accept that my decisions while he was away weren't necessarily *wrong* if he woudln't have made the same ones, and it's going to be hard for me to put it all back in his hands.

We had an argument over the phone just today. A few short minutes each week, and it stinks that it ended on a bad note. He wants his car to be off our insurance since it isn't driveable. But we have no where to park it other than street-side, and if I took it off insurance I'd have to turn in the liscense plates and then we'd have to go through the process of getting another plate in just a few months. I'm doing my best to do what I think he'd want, but I'm not him and we have two completely different ways of thinking about it.

I know he will want to pick through every detail on our 09 tax returns when he gets home, and I'm dreading that. I know I'm going to get "Why didn't you include that? Are you sure that's all the expense reciepts?..." Between household and business stuff, taxes are getting to be a pain in the tush, and he's not here to do it *perfectly*, just the way he wants it.

[Kidzaplenty]

[stayinghome]

Hi everyone- I'd like to join this thread. I work on letting my husband lead, but i didn't always. I used to be that nagging, nasty wife. Now i hear his mom talking to my fil that way and i cringe. That used to be me! Everything goes so much more smoothly when i allow him to "be the man." Right now i am reading "love and respect." It hasn't delved too much into submission but does talk a lot about a guy's need to feel respected, and a woman's to be loved.

[chely7425]

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

Rachel, I'm anticipating similar problems when dh gets home. I've taken on a lot that isn't normally my sphere of responsibility, since he went to Ethiopia. I think it's going to be hard for him to accept that my decisions while he was away weren't necessarily *wrong* if he woudln't have made the same ones, and it's going to be hard for me to put it all back in his hands.

We had an argument over the phone just today. A few short minutes each week, and it stinks that it ended on a bad note. He wants his car to be off our insurance since it isn't driveable. But we have no where to park it other than street-side, and if I took it off insurance I'd have to turn in the liscense plates and then we'd have to go through the process of getting another plate in just a few months. I'm doing my best to do what I think he'd want, but I'm not him and we have two completely different ways of thinking about it.

I know he will want to pick through every detail on our 09 tax returns when he gets home, and I'm dreading that. I know I'm going to get "Why didn't you include that? Are you sure that's all the expense reciepts?..." Between household and business stuff, taxes are getting to be a pain in the tush, and he's not here to do it *perfectly*, just the way he wants it.

We have issues like this EVERY time he gets back from a deployment... but it is far worse now that we have kids, probably because the decisions that need to be made are bigger? Not really sure...

[fierrbugg]

Well Hello Ladies!!

I hope this is the most current thread and we all maybe just got busy? I know hard to believe. Well lots to catch up on, I'm sure. But just wanted to pop in and say Hi and see how everyone else is doing.

Since I last posted dh had to have knee surgery and has been on short term disability since February. He's returning to work on 4/25. It's been a crazy 10 weeks or so getting him to dr.'s and rehab appt.'s. But such a blessing to have him home. He was able to attend the entire 15 week series that our hometeam was doing on the Love and Respect book by Emerson Eggerich. We have decided that we're going to get baptized together during our church's next baptism weekened on Saturday, May 1st (he works that Sunday). We're going through alot right now, but through it all, God has been so faithful to us. Which brings me to today.

Dr. Eggerich says in his book that 2 of the many things driving men are the desire to protect and the willingness to die for those they love. Today dh and I took a road trip to a restaurant that is a bit of a drive from us (approx 50 miles). It's a really neat place, grows alot of their own food organically, local markets, etc. Since we were kind of in the neighborhood of his new station - and I hadn't seen it yet (he's only been there for 1 year ), I asked him to drive me by. While on the way there, we were driving along the 202 here in AZ somewhere around the Gilbert/Chandler border and all of a sudden we heard this loud pop from the truck in the lane to the left of us. I thought the guy was just shredding a tire (happens alot out here). He started to pull off to the left and then suddenly lost control. Next thing I saw was this big white pickup careening toward us on the left hand side - dh had to swerve (think HARD right) through the adjoining right lane to avoid getting hit by the truck. Thankfully no one was in the next lane and we were also by an exit so we had some extra road to take the careening trucks. We ended up sliding sideways and facing oncoming traffic. While we were doing that, the other truck somehow ended up circling around is in front (or behind?), missing us as we were sliding and landed behind us about 20 feet. Also thankfully all three lanes of traffic behind us were at a crawl to avoid the accident. When we first stopped I thought that the car we were now facing was going to hit us, but realized that he was just inching forward. We were able to turn around and just sit on the shoulder for a few minutes. Turns out that the truck had broken its axel. We weren't hit, or knicked and weren't involved in the wreck and several cars had stopped. I guess the kid was out walking around by the time we left.

I have never been more thankful to God for dh's knack for thinking quickly on his feet and his many years of defensive driving training (kind of a necessity for a paramedic) in all my life. And the Love and Respect principles never made more sense than they do today. Dh said that if we'd hit the gravel while we were sliding sideways (and just a few inches from where we were btw) that our truck would have rolled. I never in all my life thought I'd be the one who had a story like this - but it certainly puts things into perspective. Thank God for my hubby - he's so amazing.

[cappuccinosmom]

That's quite a story! Wow!

[CherryBomb]

Wow, that's amazing Tiara!

AFM, still struggling and failing with regards to submission. I really think dh and I need to go to Retrouvaille So much anger and resentment built up over years, and "just letting go" isn't working.