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~*Biblical Marriage with Wifely Submission #14 2010*~ - Page 2

post #21 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by CherryBomb View Post
Wow, that's amazing Tiara!

AFM, still struggling and failing with regards to submission. I really think dh and I need to go to Retrouvaille So much anger and resentment built up over years, and "just letting go" isn't working.
I am so with you on this right now... I am finding it SO hard to let him lead, I feel like I can't let go of the bad decisions he has made in the past.
post #22 of 139
CherryBomb and Chely:

I'm with you on the horrible decisions in the past doesn't really net trust let alone submission or respect connection. I know that I've talked about Love and Respectalot lately (ok maybe it just feels like it). It has helped me ALOT in dealing w/ this. If you check out the site visit the Media Center - you can see some movies about what Dr. Eggerichs has to say. There are a few on respecting a man who doesn't deserve respect. And if you look at the clips from the conference - they are the conference that my hometeam has been watching for the last 15 weeks. I can say from my experience w/ our hometeam - it has so positively impacted the couples in our group. Lives have been changed for the better as the couples start to understand how to communicate with each other and what makes the other one tick - and that leads to trusting your partner (and building them up so that they feel you are behind them - and calling them out respectfully when they aren't leading) enough to submit. We even have one couple who are renewing their vows in Nov.

He also talks about mutual submission. Tinker around on the site when you have time. I know the book was on sale for 50% off at the Family Christian Stores a few weeks ago - if you have one close - check it out. hth.

(Also do want to say that he doesn't make the distinction in at least one of the movies I see about respecting/submitting to a physically abusive man and have seen him vehemently say that you should never submit to an abusive man - and he's right. So that makes all advice for transforming a marriage null and void - wanted to make that clarification)
post #23 of 139
Subbing
post #24 of 139
Hello Ladies!!

How is everyone doing this fine Monday?

I'm listening to my class recording and since I'm a multi-tasker, it's just toooo boring to stare at the powerpoint presentation for 2 hours - hence I'm on mdc. Not much new to report from my end. Dh started back to work yesterday. He got a raise (), and they changed everything while he was out. So, he's adjusting back into the flow. His next shift is Friday. We're getting baptized together on Saturday night and we have a week chock full of dr's and physical therapy appts. We're also starting a new series w/ our home team Wednesday night. Now that I write it down, it sounds like a lot, and I thought this week was going to be boring.

What's everyone else up to?
post #25 of 139
Alot has been going on with us.

I'm 36 1/2 weeks pregnant with our 5th. It seems like she'll be coming soon. TMI-was 2 cm and 40% effaced last Monday, then lost alot of my mucous plug (golf ball size) last Wednesday and now lots of prodromal labor.

We lose our medical insurance on Friday because technically my hubby has been fired at work, but because of FMLA (he had to stay home to take care of me for kidney stone issues, hospital visits and threatened preterm labor at 27 weeks) and being in a union he may get his job back. His boss has it in for him and is trying some things that go against the union contract between the company and the employees. We are waiting to hear back from the union rep to see if they hire him back without him losing his benefit and seniority or if they go into arbitration and he gets hired back. But its been 3 weeks tomorrow since they decided to fire him and no word yet. So our insurance runs out. It's just all a mess with no pay been coming in.

Drs appt today and Thursday for the kids.

Going up to my mom's on Wednesday to work on our garden and to see my broody chickens and turkeys-they might be hatching this week.

My son's birthday is Saturday and we are having his birthday party on Sunday.

So it will be busy for this week too. And all depending on when baby's born.
post #26 of 139
jewellz: holy geez!! Things are nuts for you too. I know my mom was walking around like 8cm dilated w/ my little brother the week before he was born - (her 5th also). Her doctor told her to carry a basket around w/ her because he was afraid she'd drop him on his head. Instead they picked the day to induce if he didn't come on his own before then. He didn't.

I also feel you on the FMLA/leave stuff. Dh's job kept changing his leave/return dates and we were really certain that he'd be out of a job too. Luckily his boss (who also didn't like him) got transfered while he was out. We will keep your family in our prayers. It is NOT fun dealing w/ these people when they are being jerks about medical leaves. How are they justifying firing him while he was on FMLA?

Happy Birthday to your son.
post #27 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by fierrbugg View Post
jewellz: holy geez!! Things are nuts for you too. I know my mom was walking around like 8cm dilated w/ my little brother the week before he was born - (her 5th also). Her doctor told her to carry a basket around w/ her because he was afraid she'd drop him on his head. Instead they picked the day to induce if he didn't come on his own before then. He didn't.
I don't think I've ever gotten past 3m before going to hospital in active labor. My last labor was only 4.5 hrs long from 1st contraction to birth-born on his due date. With him I was 1cm at 35w and 2cm at 38w and 2 days. This one I was 2cm at 35 weeks. My next appt is on Thursday (36w, 5d) so we will see what I'm at but I'm thinking that I'm already 3m because I already lost my mucous plug. I'm having lots of prodromal labor and symptoms that I'll soon be birthing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by fierrbugg View Post
I also feel you on the FMLA/leave stuff. Dh's job kept changing his leave/return dates and we were really certain that he'd be out of a job too. Luckily his boss (who also didn't like him) got transfered while he was out. We will keep your family in our prayers. It is NOT fun dealing w/ these people when they are being jerks about medical leaves. How are they justifying firing him while he was on FMLA?
Ugh!! Seems to be happening to a few people I know. Not fun. Here's a link to my post explaining it a little bit http://www.mothering.com/discussions...&postcount=117
Quote:
Originally Posted by fierrbugg View Post
Happy Birthday to your son.
Thank you. He's getting excited that he's turning 5 (and all the presents and money from grandparents. UGH!!! that's another post for another time.)
post #28 of 139
Hi! I don't think I have ever been on this thread in the past, but glad to meet you.
Glad you and your family are ok fierrbugg! Praise the Lord!

Something that has helped me is to realize that I am learning to submit and practicing to submit. My heart is to submit. My prayer is to submit, but of course, I fail a lot. Confession and asking the Lord for forgiveness every time is a practice. It needs to become like a habit to confess all.the.time.

Also, realizing that really I am submitting to the Lord. The Lord is the one who arranged my marriage. The Lord is the one who arranges many people that we have to submit to, for example, teachers, bosses, police, the president, and our husbands. Really we have to submit to a lot of people and laws. So, I find that realizing that the Lord is the source of all of those persons in authority and my dh helps me to see that I am really submitting to the Lord's arrangement.

Someone in a pp said it is hard not to get grumpy when her dh doesn't live up to all that she thinks he should do. I have this same problem. It seems like the Lord made us females so capable, yet put the males in the lead. Funny, huh? I think He did this to make us turn to Him day by day. We need His mercy and grace day by day.

The Lord is full of forbearance, and He lives in us. I ask the Lord to be my forbearance because I don't have any! It is like there are two people in this body. The Lord who is full of mercy, grace and forbearance and long suffering...and then there is me with very little of those virtues.
When our little virtue runs out, then He can be our source for whatever we need just by turning our heart to the Lord.

And speaking of turning my heart to the Lord... I feel like I am always looking at my dh and expecting something from him. All of my expectations lead to disappointment. When I turn to the Lord and stop looking at my dh with all of his flaws, my heart gets softened and my criticizing heart gets filled with the Spirit.

I think the key is to turn to the Lord in the middle of the situation. Or when I am thinking critical thoughts, I have to learn to reject those thoughts immediately. If I let critical thoughts of dh make a nest in my mind, it seems to grow and become this huge thing in my mind. Eventually, I blow up on him and he had no clue that there was a problem.

I am practicing to submit to the day's events as well. When my day is going badly, the kid is sick, I have a headache, dh didn't do something he said he would do.... I stop and say, thank You, Lord for this day. You have arranged all things for me to turn to You. I want to find You, Lord Jesus, in this situation. I can gain Christ in any situation! I need You Lord Jesus! Amen! ....well, I don't always do that, but I am practicing and learning to submit to all things great and small.
post #29 of 139
i decided to remove my post becaus this thread has more people looking at it then participating....

it was a majr vent, so rather than just edit it, i thought it would be easier to removed it entirely



thanks shami for your great response. i do have 3 people in my life that I cant count on to pray for me when I need it.
and, I really should pray with my husband more. I can hear the humility in his voice in prayer, he doesn't bother to bring trivial things before theLord almighty...
it really peels away the surface stuff even if only for a few inutes, hour, day, whatever. the more time spend in the Lord's presence the better
post #30 of 139
Hi Bluebirdiemama, thank you for opening up your situation with us. I noticed you are a fairly new believer. Do you have a prayer partner or spiritual parents that can pray with you? Anyone IRL that you can open up to and pray with?

I know that in our marriage life, we want to try and do things and fix things, but really it's the prayer that will eventually move the Lord's hand in your situation. I have heard that prayer is like laying the tracks before the train can move.

The kind of prayer I am speaking of is prayer with thanksgiving. I think it is Philippians...let me find it...yes it's Phil 4:6,7.

I have found that when I am really distraught over my situation and feel quite helpless to do anything about it, praising and thanking the Lord while making my requests known to Him is taking a heavy weight off of me.

You may already know this, but I'll just put it out there. When Paul wrote Phil. it was when he was in prison. Prison back then was a dungeon. It was nothing like today, yet Paul was full of joy and thanksgiving. Paul really learned the secret of how to gain Christ in, through and by his suffering. To really gain Christ, there is a breaking down or a stripping of our outer man so that the inner man can be released. There is a book by Watchman Nee called the Breaking of the Outer Man for the Release of the Spirit. This is an excellent book that showed me why we suffer and what is the purpose of all of the suffering in our human life.

Philippians 4:12

12 I know also how to be abased, and I know how to abound; in everything and in all things I have learned the secret both to be filled and to hunger, both to abound and to lack.

Maybe others will have some practical help for you. You probably realize you can't change him or take away his addiction. It was very good for you to encourage him to pray about it because it is really the Lord who will heal him. Can the two of you pray together?

The thing about mj use is that if a person is serious about quitting, one has to completely get out of that scene, which means dropping friendships and an entire lifestyle. I was a heavy user for about four years. I ended up moving and leaving the whole bar scene, along with ditching the few friends that I had. Not pleasant, but so worth it in the end. Your right about problems disappearing when your high, which is why I used so heavily for so long. The physical addiction wasn't the hard part. The emotions that surfaced while sobering up was the hard part. So sorry your going through this and my prayers and thoughts are with you. Feel free to pm me if you want.
post #31 of 139
just wanted to say very quickly that i'm sorry if my earlier post is a little hard to read. my keyboard sticks, and that was a major vent, so it may not have come out that well.....

but, i know the Lord is faithful. and indeed, tonight He showed me one of the reasons my dh needs to go through this.

...


it's not always pleasant, but trust in the Lord and he will work out everything for the good of those who love him.

thanks shami, really appreciate the encouragement. i will respond in more detail later

i will be back. and hopefully a more mellow participant in the convo from now on......
post #32 of 139
Thread Starter 
I got the okay to share this!

http://www.ladiesagainstfeminism.com/

It's a site promoting beautiful womanhood and modesty!! I thought you ladies would enjoy.
post #33 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by fierrbugg View Post
I like that one.

Hi ladies: I ducked out of the thread several months ago - well basically because my marriage imploded. BUT, dh and I are trying to work things out - we've been through so much since Sept., but God has been so faithful to us. We're trying to get things back on track, Christ-centered marriage and working on each of us. We're in a home team with two amazing couples who are the marriage mentors of the group and other couples in crisis and this week we just started a series on the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggrerich (sp).

At the end of July, I lost my job and can not for the life of me find another job - not even a part-time one. I can't tell you how many resumes and applications I have put in and have only gotten called for two interviews this entire time. It's frustrating - but I'm trusting that God will lead me to the right position that will truly make me happy - since I haven't worked a job that I've loved ever in my life. Well in college I worked at an NHRA drag strip and I did love that.

One of the issues that we're facing as we're trying to rebuild our marriage, is my mil. She's always been a huge problem. We lived next door to her for the first 1 1/2 years of marriage and it was awful. When dh and I met she literally talked to him like she was 3. In the first years of our marriage we fought about her alot. There's history there, hurt feelings from the past which I have moved on from (I hope). To her, nothing dh has done is good enough (I've literally heard her tell people that he uses her for her $ and she's convinced them that he leaves her destitute!!). She's critical of every decision we've made as a married couple (we got married too young (22 & 24), purchased our house too young, etc.). Also she's very manipulative and must be the center of attention. Luckily, we now live about 20 miles away from her and she won't drive the freeways and doesn't like driving at night so there's a cushion because the only time we see her is when we choose to.

When we were in crisis in late 2009, and the D word was on the horizon alot (dh's favorite word for a few months), I decided to make peace w/ mil, took her out to lunch and we spent an afternoon talking our stuff out. I mentioned that we hadn't been going to church as much as we should, and I thought that had contributed to our marriage issues. She replied that I had to understand that dh hadn't gone to church as a child at all and church was just a social club anyway. She has lots of anger for organized religion, particularly the Catholic church who she feels abandoned her and her 6 siblings and mom after her father filed for divorce and walked out . . . . I guess the story is that he convinced some high up church official that he wanted to join the ministry and the day the church annulled (?) her parents marriage, her dad married wife #2. Idk how accurate that is, but that's the history as I understand it.

Anyway, all of a sudden mil has decided that to get close to us again, she looooves our little bible thumping church and now expects us to come and get her every weekend to take her to church. Normally we feed her too. I feel bad, but having to figure out how to get the gas $ to drive 80 miles every weekend to go pick her up, feed her, and take her home again irks me. I know it's selfish, and I know that I should do this with a glad heart. Dh doesn't like being her taxi on a limited income either, but says well what are we going to do? And maybe this is a way for my mother to get right with God in her old age. Plus we're trying to jumpstart a Total Money Makeover ala Dave Ramsey in 2010 on just dh's salary and my unemployment. He's going to have to work OT to accomplish this especially until I can find a job. While I see the ministry aspect of picking mil up, I'm bogged down by implications on our very tight budget. I'm praying that I will find the way to do this with a sincere and not grumpy heart. In the mean time, does anyone have any words of wisdom or suggestions on how to fake it?
Someone helped me with this and I will pass it on to you. I was in a Bible Training School and living with 8 other sisters. There were 2 sisters who were quite young and were mad at me for the entire year because I had to ask them to follow certain regulations.
Anyway, the tension was so thick, but I had to be mature and greet them and act as though everything was fine on my side. I wasn't mad at them, but I was hurt and felt awkward in the house.
So, my spiritual father told me this:
Let the Lord be the source of your "Hello, how are you?" The Lord Jesus is in you and He wants to be expressed to these sisters. So, at the moment when you see them, begin to call on the name of the Lord within. They don't know that you are calling on the Lord, but you know that you are relying on the Lord for every word which proceeds out of your mouth. Even a simple "Hello" can be from the Lord Jesus.

I thought this was so sweet and very practical.
post #34 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shami View Post
I think the key is to turn to the Lord in the middle of the situation. Or when I am thinking critical thoughts, I have to learn to reject those thoughts immediately. If I let critical thoughts of dh make a nest in my mind, it seems to grow and become this huge thing in my mind. Eventually, I blow up on him and he had no clue that there was a problem.
Welcome to the thread, Shami!! I think this is a very important thing to note. You really do have to guard your mind and speech when thinking about/talking about your spouse. I know that for us – part of what made it ‘ok’ for my dh to commit adultery (at least in his mind at the time) was that he’d spent years (unknown to me, btw) badmouthing me to others and in his mind. He eventually allowed himself to convince himself (follow that? ) that I was this horrible evil-willed woman and that our marriage was over. Enter his affair partner, his former EMT partner at work – also married. He points to this practice as the single thing that started the cycle of treachery and betrayal. I think that being honest with yourself that you are in fact doing this with your husband is a huge step. But beyond acknowledging that you do it, taking measures to stop the practice is the most important thing you can do to protect your marriage.

For us, I can not express the importance that the Love and Respect concept has had in our recovery. As we have since discovered we were in that crazy cycle: Without Love, She Reacts, Without Respect. Without Respect, He Reacts, Without Love. Without Love, She Reacts . . . . etc., etc., etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shami View Post
So, my spiritual father told me this:
Let the Lord be the source of your "Hello, how are you?" The Lord Jesus is in you and He wants to be expressed to these sisters. So, at the moment when you see them, begin to call on the name of the Lord within. They don't know that you are calling on the Lord, but you know that you are relying on the Lord for every word which proceeds out of your mouth. Even a simple "Hello" can be from the Lord Jesus.

I thought this was so sweet and very practical.
I do try so hard to be truly kind to mil and show God's love to her. But she's my weak spot unfortunately and sometimes the things she does/says make my head want to explode. I do pray about it alot.

After 9 years of marriage, struggling w/ ttc the entire time, dh and I are finally in a place where we have pretty much all of the answers about what has gone wrong in the past and we're moving forward w/ fixing the issues w/ my body -assuming that insurance will pay for some of the not necessarily fertility related issues and we can get the necessary meds, we could start officially ttc again next cycle. The thought of exposing our potential future kids to mil's manipulation and special brand of insanity makes me want to :Puke. I try very hard to believe that she is sincere about going to church w/ us, getting herself together and spending time w/ dh and I. Sometimes it's difficult when considering her past performance, but that's where the power of prayer comes in. Thanks!!

AFWife: Thanks for sharing that link. What a neat site.

BlueBirdieMama: I do apologize, I remember pieces of your post so I'll try to respond as best I can from memory. I wanted to reply the other night, but didn’t have the time until today. I do second Shami’s endorsement of prayer. Were it not for prayer, and God’s amazing timing and guidance, I would be duking out the details of my marriage in a court room right now. When we are angry about a situation we tend to speak disrespect to our dh's and that just shuts them down. I know that the ladies on this thread will have alot more recommendations for you about great books for guidance - but one that really helped me was Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas. I read it while dh and I were seperated (09/09)and I felt like I kept getting kicked in the head, but in a good way if such a thing exists. It taught me a different way of approaching my husband - while still lovingly holding him accountable for his actions and their repercusions on our family. I still refer to it at least once a month. Wish you all the best.

Jewellz: How's everything going? I read your linked post and sounds like dh's work really dropped the ball. Can't tell you how many letters in the mail and phone calls we got from dh's work about when he was expected to return to work - of course some of that was because the HR lady kept getting the dates wrong. To me it's unconscionable of his boss to snowball him like that, and leave your family w/o a paycheck for so long. The possibility of retro-pay is a nice thought, but as you said doesn't really help w/ the kids and baby today. Sending s and keeping your family in my prayers.

How's everyone else doing this fine Friday?
post #35 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by fierrbugg View Post
Jewellz: How's everything going? I read your linked post and sounds like dh's work really dropped the ball. Can't tell you how many letters in the mail and phone calls we got from dh's work about when he was expected to return to work - of course some of that was because the HR lady kept getting the dates wrong. To me it's unconscionable of his boss to snowball him like that, and leave your family w/o a paycheck for so long. The possibility of retro-pay is a nice thought, but as you said doesn't really help w/ the kids and baby today. Sending s and keeping your family in my prayers.
Well we got word from hubby's work. They want to go into arbitration. But now hubby wants to just find a new job. (I disagree but am submitting to his decision.) Going back there would prob be uncomfortable with his boss. (This I do agree with-his boss is IDK?-mean, rude, something like that) Just have to figure out what to do now about finances and such until then. Yes please please keep us in prayer. There are times I'm at peace with this-Thank God for that peace-and sometimes I feel overwhelmed-especially since I'm in charge of finances (things are going to change after this) and dealing with beloved baby coming soon. Thank you for remembering us.
post #36 of 139
Hi ladies!!

How's everyone doing this fine Friday evening? Just popping in to keep our little thread alive. Wanted to share a praise. We've been ttc for well our entire marriage and it's finally gotten to the point where the doctors are finally figuring out WHAT is happening w/ my body - we're working on getting meds approved through insurance. Turns out I have adult growth hormone deficiency - which ties into a whole host of things my body doesn't do right - including insulin related stuff, fatigue, cortisol levels, and oh yeah, egg quality. It's almost a non-existant hormone in my body. So we're working on getting injectible hormones approved through insurance - hopefully that will help my body figure itself out. Plus, we all of a sudden are finding ourselves staring down the barrel of an injectibles cycle for ttc. My body is starting to work better suddenly - which in and of itself is an answer to prayer. But GH hormones and injectibles are not cheap, and I wasn't sure how we were going to go about getting the money to pay for them. So I was praying last week - just telling God my concerns that I didn't know how we were going to pay for these meds and the dr.'s visits involved without raiding our emergency fund (Dave Ramsey rocks, btw) and would he please help us or guide us to know what to do. I mean if it wasn't feasible to get the money together, maybe we needed to focus attention in a different way. Was this the right path? Then, suddenly yesterday an unexpected check showed up in the mail. It was enough to pay for new tires for dh - which was in the budget to save for next month and it will cover these meds. I'm so excited, but you know terrified that this is actually going to happen after over 9 years.

What an awesome God we serve.

jewellz: for everything that is happening in your life. How are you doing? Do we have a new bouncing kiddo, yet?
post #37 of 139
Hi ladies. I was wondering if I might jump in and ask a question?
post #38 of 139
Please do.
post #39 of 139
Well my question is...What do if your husband is hiding something form you? He is doing something that I asked him to stop before we were married. I even told him I would not marry him if he didn't stop. I just found out. I feel very angry and sad.

I hope that it is OK to ask this here. I really need some advice and from women whom believe in a Godly marriage.
post #40 of 139
For me it would depend if it was an annoyance, or sin.

Something like smoking, I'd accept it as reality and pray for him.

Porn, or worse, adultery? Not acceptable. I'd take it through the proper channels in church leadership, making sure first that I was seeking counsel from men who would hold him accountable and not blame it all on me.
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