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~*Biblical Marriage with Wifely Submission #14 2010*~ - Page 3

post #41 of 139
I agree. I am not sure what you are speaking of, not that you need to share i you don't feel comfortable doing so, but there are some things I would not tolerate.

If I made something clear before marriage that it was a dealbreaker, and he subsequently "went underground" with it to "get me" while keeping it, that is deception, and I would seriously consider a seperation until such a time the deception was stopped. I could not trust someone like that, and trust should be a fundamental item in a marriage.

If it were a sin, I would outright refuse to allow it in my house. If it were just an irritation, we would have to come to some sort of agreement. However, being that there was decption from the beginning, that, in and of itself, is a sin.

I would seek godly counsel with someone that I trusted, someone that would seriously look at the issue, not point fingers, and offer solutions and assistance in reaching those solutions. If he refused to work on a change, seperation would be a very serious consideration for me. (I do not advocate divorce, but a serious seperation can bring about a good reconciliation when used properly.)

I hope you find a solution.

Now, your problem may not be as serious as I am thinking, so my answer may not be what you are looking for. So, this is all just MO.
post #42 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kidzaplenty View Post
I would seek godly counsel with someone that I trusted, someone that would seriously look at the issue, not point fingers, and offer solutions and assistance in reaching those solutions. If he refused to work on a change, seperation would be a very serious consideration for me. (I do not advocate divorce, but a serious seperation can bring about a good reconciliation when used properly.)
The fact that I'm still married today is proof that seperations can work when done the proper way - and with lots and lots and lots of prayer. If your husband is sinning, you need to respectfully hold him accountable for it - or find trusted members of your support system to be accountability partners who can talk w/ him about what he is doing. You also need support for yourself and not blame as the op's have suggested. The reality is that if it's something that you specifically asked him not to do before you were married, he knows that what he is doing is at the very least wrong in the confines of your marriage. Otherwise, why would he bother hiding it? My experience is that when someone is doing something they know they should not, there can be alot of shame and anger associated with the act. How we wives react to our husbands' wrong doing can have far reaching affects on the situation.

I'm also a big reader, and I loved reading Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas. It talks about how wives can positively influence their husbands to grow closer to God from a man's pov.
post #43 of 139
Thanks!
post #44 of 139
Fierbug that's very encouraging!
I don't have any practical experience to share, but I can add something on the spiritual side. Maybe not all christians feel this way , but i do and it has helped me to see the larger picture.

Even our failures can be used by God, and I believe God allows us to fail. Failure + repentance = building

The Lord wants to add Himself to you and your husband, but your natural man has to be torn down a bit before He can build in or add in His divine element. Suffering like you are going through tears down all of our natural man just like Job in the Bible. He had to be stripped of everything, even the good things. Job was a righteous man, but God allowed Job to lose everything in order for Job to see that God is the great I AM.
This negative thing happened to your marriage, but it is through this negative thing that you will contact the Lord more, pray more and fellowship more with the body and eventually be more built up with your husband and the body of Christ.
Our God is a jealous God ---in the good sense. He is jealous over us, over our time, over our love, over our hearts. He may allow us to go through things in order to make us desperate to come to Him and spend time with Him.
Praying for your marriage and standing with you. Satan hates marriage and attacks it in so many ways. Praying binding prayers so that Satan cannot attack your marriage anymore. I also ask the Lord to hide your family from Satan.
post #45 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shami View Post
Even our failures can be used by God, and I believe God allows us to fail. Failure + repentance = building
I very much agree with this myself. I have seen so many people take their hurts and experiences and turn them into ministries to help others by being a warning or as they are going through similiar experiences. For instance dh and I have a home team/bible study that we joined in October. It came about as a marriage mentoring program after our pastor preached a series on marriage. There was such a demand for mentors - that they ran out and opted to take two of the mentor couples to lead a home team. We started in October as a 6 week program w/ 4 couples and a husband who was seperated from his wife. We did the I Love You More series by the Dr.'s Parrott - and it was so helpful that we begged to keep going. It's been such a huge blessing to all those involved - just living life in fellowship with these other couples has had a huge positive effect on my marriage. Such a blessing. Without the friendships from men in this group for dh, men of God whom he could look up to, who hold him accountable and understand where he comes from - I'm not sure that my marriage would still be intact. Thank God for these people who have been through or are going through similiar situations as we are.

We've since added 4 more couples to the weekly meetings and the single husband that has been coming alone this entire time announced last week that his wife (from whom he's been seperated since last year, with the D word on the horizon the entire time) may be open to joining us in the next few weeks. What a powerful ministry.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shami View Post
Satan hates marriage and attacks it in so many ways.
Be strong, Nazsmum. Sometimes easier said that done. But what I found when we were going through our valley - was that God placed some amazing people into my life to help me get through the day to day stuff and to help deal with the big stuff too. And you always have us as well.
post #46 of 139
Thanks again! This is something that I really thought was in the past. Before we married we went to a elder and talked about it. I believed that it was over. That is the part that is hard to understand.
post #47 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nazsmum View Post
Thanks again! This is something that I really thought was in the past. Before we married we went to a elder and talked about it. I believed that it was over. That is the part that is hard to understand.
I completely feel you on this one. Betrayal of any kind is awful. For me anyway, I started to second guess everything before, during, after. Was I blind, did I just not want to see it? How can I trust myself to be a good judge of character anymore? I still can't wrap my head around what happened and the reasoning behind it. It's been an especially difficult week in my house. But again I can not stress enough the power of prayer and finding the right support system/friend for yourself as you go through the emotions and deal with this as a couple and as a wife.
post #48 of 139
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nazsmum View Post
Well my question is...What do if your husband is hiding something form you? He is doing something that I asked him to stop before we were married. I even told him I would not marry him if he didn't stop. I just found out. I feel very angry and sad.

I hope that it is OK to ask this here. I really need some advice and from women whom believe in a Godly marriage.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom View Post
For me it would depend if it was an annoyance, or sin.

Something like smoking, I'd accept it as reality and pray for him.

Porn, or worse, adultery? Not acceptable. I'd take it through the proper channels in church leadership, making sure first that I was seeking counsel from men who would hold him accountable and not blame it all on me.

This is how I feel. I'd seek counseling and then seriously consider if he's as committed as I am to the marriage. I don't approve of divorce for "frivolous" things (those "just because" situations) but in situations of adultery and/or abuse? I view that as a violation of the covenant we made and it can be a major deal breaker.
post #49 of 139
Thread Starter 
Has anyone else ever lost friends because of differing views? I'm hugely conservative and the more discussions I get into (namely here and Facebook) I realize just HOW DIFFERENT my views on modesty and politics are...I lost a friend recently because of it too.
post #50 of 139
Yes I've lost friends.

I was so excited to get reaquainted with friends from my childhood. We'd been part of the same cult together, when we were school children. Well, I went one direction after we left, and they went the polar opposite. They went completely hog wild after leaving and couldn't understand how I ended up a social and religious conservative. I'm really sad about that, but I can understand it in a way. I know looking at me in my headcovering and long skirts with a bunch of babies brings up very painful memories for them, related to the cult.
post #51 of 139
I can't say that I have actually lost friends, but I can say that I have run potential friends away before we even become close, for those reasons.

I have learned that there are some things I just do not discuss with people outside my house.
post #52 of 139
I'm sorry that you lost a friend over personal views. For me, I've always been very conservative, politically, modesty, etc. So I suppose everyone expects it from me, even though growing up, I tended to have very liberal friends. But most of those are still back home - so we only keep up on facebook. It's been a great lesson in tolerance and loving people for themselves even when I think their views are completely nuts. They probably feel the same way about me.

I also notice that there are many pov's that I don't agree with in the least here - but I do support the basic ideas, of ap, cding, bfing, anti-circ etc. So I just look at it as a learning experience into how others think. Because even in conservative circles there are people who make me .
post #53 of 139

Biblical submission

whilst being unequally yoked. Anyone undertaking this task? It's a toughy! But I'm working on it quietly.
post #54 of 139
Happy to find this post!

I really need some encouragement right now. I was doing so well for a while, and now I'm reverting back to my old ways... nagging my hubby about stupid little things and being disrespectful when I get angry or irritated. I think it's really my own frustration with myself and I'm taking it out on him. I haven't been taking care of my responsibilities here at home like I should and then I get irritated with him for not helping. I've been lazy and selfish. I haven't been spending time with God like I should. It's like I'm stuck in this rut! I want to be an encouragement to him and be the wife that God is calling me to be!! But it's so easy to go back to my old ways.
post #55 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by mija y mijo View Post
Happy to find this post!

I really need some encouragement right now. I was doing so well for a while, and now I'm reverting back to my old ways... nagging my hubby about stupid little things and being disrespectful when I get angry or irritated. I think it's really my own frustration with myself and I'm taking it out on him. I haven't been taking care of my responsibilities here at home like I should and then I get irritated with him for not helping. I've been lazy and selfish. I haven't been spending time with God like I should. It's like I'm stuck in this rut! I want to be an encouragement to him and be the wife that God is calling me to be!! But it's so easy to go back to my old ways.
It's so easy to slip back into old patterns. I find the best way for me to get out of that rut is through humility. I go to my DH and talk to him about it. Confess where I have been wrong and let him help keep me accountable. I've found this to do amazing things for our marriage. It opens so many doors of communication and gives my DH a greater appreciation and respect for me that in turn leads me to be more submissive. I would really encourage you to open up to him about this.
post #56 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by Evie's Mama View Post
It's so easy to slip back into old patterns. I find the best way for me to get out of that rut is through humility. I go to my DH and talk to him about it. Confess where I have been wrong and let him help keep me accountable. I've found this to do amazing things for our marriage. It opens so many doors of communication and gives my DH a greater appreciation and respect for me that in turn leads me to be more submissive. I would really encourage you to open up to him about this.
Thank you. I'm going to talk to him tonight and apologize for being so disrespectful.
post #57 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by rlmueller View Post
whilst being unequally yoked. Anyone undertaking this task? It's a toughy! But I'm working on it quietly.
In some ways I was at the beginning of my marriage - but I wasn't really yoked at all back then - really ran away from God for a long time. But then I started to get back and dh came along for the ride - half heartedly. The evil one took that as an in into dh's life and our marriage imploded for a while last year. But now - dh's firmly in a relationship with God. Follow that? Prayer was the key for me going through the tough times.

Gary Thomas has a book called Sacred Influence: How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of Their Husbands and it really helped me understand myself and my role in my marriage and life, and my husband and where he was coming from and how I could help him in life and in a spiritual walk w/ the Lord. The last chapter focuses on influencing a nonbelieving or spiritually immature husband. The entire book itself helped me more than I can put into words.


Quote:
Originally Posted by mija y mijo View Post
Happy to find this post!

I really need some encouragement right now. I was doing so well for a while, and now I'm reverting back to my old ways... nagging my hubby about stupid little things and being disrespectful when I get angry or irritated. I think it's really my own frustration with myself and I'm taking it out on him. I haven't been taking care of my responsibilities here at home like I should and then I get irritated with him for not helping. I've been lazy and selfish. I haven't been spending time with God like I should. It's like I'm stuck in this rut! I want to be an encouragement to him and be the wife that God is calling me to be!! But it's so easy to go back to my old ways.
To me the bolded part is the crux of the issue. When you aren't feeding yourself and cultivating that relationship with God it's very easy for the evil one to attack your marriage through your thoughts and grumpiness. I know it's sometimes easier said than done - but to me - spending even a few minutes a day is better than nothing at all. I think sometimes we think it has to be a big production, but it really doesn't. Also I think that talking to your husband and apologizing for the disrespect will be a huge blessing to him, and in turn your marriage. Best of Luck to you.
post #58 of 139
I misplaced you all.
Subbing.
To recap: not Christian but interested in the concept/application of wifely submission.
post #59 of 139

Tough place to go

Quote:
Originally Posted by JacquelineR View Post
I misplaced you all.
Subbing.
To recap: not Christian but interested in the concept/application of wifely submission.
The tough part I see is a Christian has an anchor with which to support wifely submission. The Christian has the standard in writing with little room for deviation and something (the bible) to call us into account if we do deviate--to tow us back to the anchor if the boat driftsf too far.

The non-christian who wishes to apply wifely submission does not have that anchor or unwavering standard but does have the concept. The non-christian then needs the standards so that they can be called into account of they find themselves adrift from the wifely submission concept they conceived of for themselves. The rocks that can cut the rope from your standard though are a danger as the non-christian can rationalize their way from the standard because the spouse did "this, that, or the other bad thing".

The Christian can do that too, but she recognizes (God-willing) that by doing so she is falling into sin and by the grace of God pull herself from it by her high-heel straps (;o) and fix reafix to the anchor of the bible in order to again do what is pleasing in the sight of Father.

I pray there is no offense taken as none is intended and you are able to grow always and hold to standards and goals you set for yourself. It is no small task for any of us to do so.
post #60 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by rlmueller View Post
The tough part I see is a Christian has an anchor with which to support wifely submission. The Christian has the standard in writing with little room for deviation and something (the bible) to call us into account if we do deviate--to tow us back to the anchor if the boat driftsf too far.

The non-christian who wishes to apply wifely submission does not have that anchor or unwavering standard but does have the concept. The non-christian then needs the standards so that they can be called into account of they find themselves adrift from the wifely submission concept they conceived of for themselves. The rocks that can cut the rope from your standard though are a danger as the non-christian can rationalize their way from the standard because the spouse did "this, that, or the other bad thing".

The Christian can do that too, but she recognizes (God-willing) that by doing so she is falling into sin and by the grace of God pull herself from it by her high-heel straps (;o) and fix reafix to the anchor of the bible in order to again do what is pleasing in the sight of Father.

I pray there is no offense taken as none is intended and you are able to grow always and hold to standards and goals you set for yourself. It is no small task for any of us to do so.
I may not be Christian, but I'm not opposed to using the Bible as a moral compass or a book from which to learn many good lessons. That probably sounds really odd but... I learned a long time ago that I cannot be a healthy Christian. I border on fanatical if not treading directly into that territory. So I choose not to be a Christian, even if I agree with many of the teachings. (Again, that probably sounds silly/odd but it is what I've learned about myself.)
No offense taken, just wanted to share my stance.
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