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~*Biblical Marriage with Wifely Submission #14 2010*~ - Page 4

post #61 of 139
Hi ladies, I am not wife yet, but will be in less than three weeks (ack!) and this is something we are trying to apply to our relationship. I hope I can join you.

Our pastor has recently done a series on Christian families, including a sermon on being a Christian wife as directed in Ephesians. If anyone is interested, you can hear it online here. He also did a sermon on being a Christian husband that you can find by clicking on "Sermons" in the navigation bar at the top of the page.
post #62 of 139
Like I said--there needs to be an anchor with which to hold your beliefs unwavering and something to make you accountable for your (the generic your) actions. Without that--folks can rationalize anything--there's milk in icecream so it's good for me.

BTW--I love your kids' names. Fabulous!
post #63 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by fierrbugg View Post
jewellz: for everything that is happening in your life. How are you doing? Do we have a new bouncing kiddo, yet?
Wow what a lot going on in your life! Hope it all goes good.
AFM: Doing ok. Other then hubby still not having a job (We really could use prayers that he gets one soon) and baby girl not sleeping very well right now and my thyroid meds needing regulation right now (always happens after giving birth) then postpartum life right now is really pretty good.
Here is our birth story:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1231812
post #64 of 139
Thread Starter 
Just bumping us back up to the first page!
post #65 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by fierrbugg View Post
Anyway, all of a sudden mil has decided that to get close to us again, she looooves our little bible thumping church and now expects us to come and get her every weekend to take her to church. Normally we feed her too. I feel bad, but having to figure out how to get the gas $ to drive 80 miles every weekend to go pick her up, feed her, and take her home again irks me. I know it's selfish, and I know that I should do this with a glad heart. Dh doesn't like being her taxi on a limited income either, but says well what are we going to do? And maybe this is a way for my mother to get right with God in her old age. Plus we're trying to jumpstart a Total Money Makeover ala Dave Ramsey in 2010 on just dh's salary and my unemployment. He's going to have to work OT to accomplish this especially until I can find a job. While I see the ministry aspect of picking mil up, I'm bogged down by implications on our very tight budget. I'm praying that I will find the way to do this with a sincere and not grumpy heart. In the mean time, does anyone have any words of wisdom or suggestions on how to fake it?
About mother in laws.

‘For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother and will stick to his wife, and the two will be one flesh’? (Matt 19:5, Gen 2:6)

If picking your MIL everyweek is such a burden perhaps you can ask her to help pay atleast the trip to her house and back and maybe she can pay for supper 1/2 the time. If she is sincere about enjoying your church so much it is the least she can do. But if she is using it simply to hold power over you via Hubby then i'd quote the above. Its a hard thing for a man to leave his mother. But it is scriptural. hope that helps.
post #66 of 139

Does anyone else get "no way HE wears the pants in your family?"

Last year we had friends over, well my husbands co worker and his family. He is very verbal about how his wife rules the roost. But my husband mentioned that he was head of his household (JW are supposed to respect Jehovah God's Arrangements even the one on Headship within the family and within the congregation- but some dont) so they asked ME!

I told them DH listens to my concerns and opinions but his decision is the final one. Fortunately sometimes he takes my advise and decides how i suggested which suits me fine but i respect his headship.

They still cant believe it. Now it was a challenge for both of us to follow headship and sometimes i forget because he is gone 5-6 days a week and i have gotten a talking to by him because of decisions i made about house or yard without so much as asking him but it works so much better now that he takes the lead.
post #67 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by CATPAT30 View Post
If picking your MIL everyweek is such a burden perhaps you can ask her to help pay atleast the trip to her house and back and maybe she can pay for supper 1/2 the time. If she is sincere about enjoying your church so much it is the least she can do. But if she is using it simply to hold power over you via Hubby then i'd quote the above. Its a hard thing for a man to leave his mother. But it is scriptural. hope that helps.
Thank you. I pray so hard to be kind to her or at least tolerate her as mil has been a HUGE point of contention in our marriage from day one. When I first met her she was talking to dh like she was 2 y/o. Literally in a baby voice. It took years for her to STOP. I've always had the feeling that she planned to grow old w/ dh taking care of her. Actually his very ill grandmother lived w/ them starting when dh was 16 y/o and mil looks at it like it was this great experience - but really is changing your grandmother's diapers a great experience? Really???? She's also been hinting for years that she wants to come live w/ us - but dh has told her that will never happen.

We lived next door to her in an apt. complex for the first 2 years of our marriage and when I finally convinced dh to move (this after 2 years of fighting non-stop about her intrusions and constant manipulation and little did I know then that she could hear EVERYTHING through the walls) - she refused to speak to dh for 2 weeks before we moved.

Luckily dh has come to the conclusion that if mil wants to come to our church - if she's sincere then she will call us - and she hasn't come to church since we got baptized on 5/01. We went on a trip last week and mil dog-sat for 2 days, in which time she cleaned my entire kitchen, turned some of my towels gray and did other things I'm just now finding. She also found time when we got back and before we drove her back home to tell me how to clean my dishes from now on, announced that she works really hard not to put dh between us, she's smoking again (I think she wanted us to scold her?), and asked us what we thought her calling was (she's reading Purpose Driven Life and it says to ask?) and concluded that it must be caring for others because she so clearly does. She'd conveniently worked so hard cleaning my dirty house that her back was spasaming and she can't drive after taking oxy - we were exhausted from the trip and let her stay the night. The next day was my b-day - I enjoyed the lectures and drama.
post #68 of 139

Buffer zone

Hubby and I were married at 19 after about 4 months of dating exclusively (4 months tops). We are now nearly 33 with 2 kids. I must say, at the time of our marriage we lived about 400 mi away from all family. Invaluable experience. Of late, the buffer zone is shrinking. That and other issues are causing heartburn here and there we'll survive in part thanks to early buffer zones.
post #69 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by rlmueller View Post
Hubby and I were married at 19 after about 4 months of dating exclusively (4 months tops). We are now nearly 33 with 2 kids. I must say, at the time of our marriage we lived about 400 mi away from all family. Invaluable experience. Of late, the buffer zone is shrinking. That and other issues are causing heartburn here and there we'll survive in part thanks to early buffer zones.
I really wish we'd had that. Instead we spent our 'honey moon' year fighting about her constantly. I know she loved it. We have always wanted to own a little homestead somewhere and now that we're losing our house it may be more of a possibility. If we move back to the midwest where I'm from and would like to go - we'd be 1300 miles away from her. I hope she wouldn't follow us but realistically she probably would - even if we only moved to the North of the state which would only be about 150 miles.

I'm also having issues w/ mil in my own mind as of late because of dh's affair. Obviously it was his choice to run away from God and betray our marriage vows - and I can't even tell you how much God has taken dh in hand and completely reformed him - it's been very awesome to see Him work in our life. He's put amazing God-fearing male mentors in dh's path and I'm very proud of dh for all of the progress that he's made. Obviously there is more to it than that - but we're in couseling and working toward true restoration. Still it's sometimes difficult to be a submitted wife when I want to beat dh senseless for this mess.

I do however wonder what kind of an effect mil's long term 30+ year affair (and at least 2 other shorter affairs that I know of) had on dh growing up. Although he isn't fond of her choices, it's kind of interesting how he repeated them. And as a dw having to deal with a dh who stepped outside of my marriage - I am having a much more difficult time putting up with mil - an other woman who felt she was entitled to a relationship with her married affair partner. Technically she was married during most of it too - although she and dh's bio-dad were estranged to the point that they hadn't layed eyes on each since dh was a baby and didn't know that bio-dad had died in the mid-1990's until like 2005.

Of course I'm sure the affair makes it more difficult to attend church with us. Pastor talks about it alot - making the the comment that the only people who get upset when he talks about infidelity are those are doing it - and know they shouldn't be. I think it's difficult for dh to hear, who has repented and changed alot, it can't be easy for mil who might be seeing the long term affair partner again.

ETA: mil did call to apologize for the first time EVER earlier this week about her inappropriate behavior on my b-day - so that was unexpected, but very nice (or all part of her diabolical plan?)
post #70 of 139
Hi Mamas. I'm new to this thread and also a new Christian (God's been working on me for 6+ years and I've finally seen the light). Anyway, what does it mean to "submit" to my husband. Can you tell me more?
post #71 of 139
I think everyone will give you a slightly different answer, but for us it means that he is the head of our home, the leader or whatever. We are a team, and we discuss all decisions but in the end the ball in his court. The one exception to this, for us, is finances. He is admittedly horrible with money and is gone half the time (military) so he has asked me to be in charge of the money and paying bills and that sort of thing. I might not have explained that very well... being pregnant ad having 2 toddlers seems to be eating my brain.
post #72 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kindermama View Post
Hi Mamas. I'm new to this thread and also a new Christian (God's been working on me for 6+ years and I've finally seen the light). Anyway, what does it mean to "submit" to my husband. Can you tell me more?
For us, wifely submission is defined by Ephesians 5:22-33. More specifically for our home, we really like the Love and Respect concept by Emerson Eggerichs. Ultimately it is a different decision for each household - and I'm sure the other ladies on the thread will have other great books for you to check out. For instance unlike Chely, we do finances together - dh is home 20 days a month. But I make the decisions about the household (decor, groceries, meals, etc.) - we try to make decisions together, but at the very least with everything we do I get a say and ultimately I trust in God and dh that dh will make the right decisions for our family.
post #73 of 139
Quote:
More specifically for our home, we really like the Love and Respect concept by Emerson Eggerichs. Ultimately it is a different decision for each household
Yes to both statements. "Love and Respect" really helped me understand the dynamic that was going on with me and dh. It took several years of trying and failing on my part (and on his, I guess, but I don't know what God was doing in his heart) before we were able to get into a pattern of mutual kindness and respect. First I went to the extreme of "Whatever you say dear", and he went to the extreme of never expressing an opinion. So we were both resenting feeling "unheard", and both felt like the other was trying to overrun the relationship. Big, big mess. So then we were both angry and "fighting for our rights", and that was another big mess.

We are still working things out, and not perfect. I'm sure after him being away as long as he has, there will be some changes and adjustments as we settle back into life together. But how it was working was that he is sort of the guy at the helm, pointing the ship so to speak. But he desires my honest input, and will change course due to my input at times. Meanwhile I try not to be sitting on his shoulder going "No! NOO! Not like that! Not over there! Go the other way! NOW!".

The biggest submission issue we had recently was him going to his home country for a year. I did not like that at all. He didn't like it either but felt it was the best option and that there probably wouldn't be another opportunity like this (timing, financially, the kids being young enough not to be too bothered). We talked about other options, he knew I had a different opinion, but I told him that I would submit to this, as a one-time, strictly defined period in our life. On his part, in spite of having some lingering "issues" with my parents, he suggested that the kids and I stay with them for the duration, because he wanted us to be as safe, comfortable, and happy as possible while he was away and he knew that would be the best place for us. So even submitting to something, I know I have a husband who is concerned about his family and our best interests, and that he's not just making random, irrational decisions or ignoring our needs.

In the smaller, day-to-day stuff. I'm pretty much responsible for the household budget and how it runs. Unless the spending is crazy high or he notices me coming home with shopping bags every day, he doesn't question me on what I buy and when. We have a mutually agreed upon desire for frugality and a simple life. I spend more than he would spend on himself, but even though he'd rather spend less money, he does enjoy the benefits of that spending, in terms of comfort and good eating. He does most of the management for our rental properties, and the smaller decisions with those. However, he brings me along for my "approval" to houses he wants to invest in and my name is on every one of them. This year when he's been gone has clarified how well those roles fit. I am *not* management material. Have done my best, but just can't do it like he does. And lacking a wife in the home, he's been feeding himself boiled potatoes and onions cooked on a hotplate in his rented room. Poor thing. I'll be glad when he's home for good and we can go back to normal.
post #74 of 139
Thanks Mamas! I ordered the book mentioned. I'm definitely willing to learn more about God's plan for marriage.
post #75 of 139
I read the proper care and feeding of a marriage and the proper care and feeding of a husband and I loved them, it really changed my perspective on relationships, i recommend them.
post #76 of 139
Quote:
I read the proper care and feeding of a marriage and the proper care and feeding of a husband and I loved them, it really changed my perspective on relationships, i recommend them.
I agree with that. I think they're particularly useful because they're from a secular (or at least non-Christian pov) and the author is most definitely not a "doormat" or a "weak woman".
post #77 of 139
I haven't read all the post. But I love this group. I have been married for almost 10 years. We have had a very rocky road to say the least. I struggle in the area of submission. I really want this for my relationship. However, I problems comes in spiritually. I feel like I am the one who spends time with the Lord and constantly seeking him about decisions that need to be made. Whereas my husband just wants to make rational decisions without praying. I pray about eveything. We got married really young and over time we have evolved into being totally different people and I hopes and vision for our family are opposite.
I am clueless in what to do in these situations and the more I grow the more apparent it is to me that we are not on the same page. Please chime in!!
post #78 of 139
Is it alright if I follow along to learn more?

I'm weary of my role in my marriage.
post #79 of 139
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by CATPAT30 View Post
I told them DH listens to my concerns and opinions but his decision is the final one. Fortunately sometimes he takes my advise and decides how i suggested which suits me fine but i respect his headship.
Kindermama: This sums up how we run our marriage. We discuss major choices but he makes the final call. He's also given me the main decision making in a lot of parenting/household related things because I have more time to research out. For instance, he doesn't REALLY have an opinion on how long to rear-face in a carseat, but I did the research and gave him a few facts and he supports it. When we picked up and moved after he quit his job (like, we moved a week later) we discussed it and then he decided we were moving on. I felt good about it because I knew he listened to how I felt (We were on the same page but we aren't always)

Quote:
Originally Posted by justKate View Post
Is it alright if I follow along to learn more?

I'm weary of my role in my marriage.
You are very welcome to do so! Feel free to read some of the past threads too!
post #80 of 139
Just wanted to send an update that we added baby girl #2 to our family this week! I'm interested to see how it changes the shape of our family and what new challenges it brings when it comes to submission. If anyone has any great advice for me, I would take it!
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