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~*Biblical Marriage with Wifely Submission #14 2010*~ - Page 5

post #81 of 139
Mozel Tov!!!! God Bless!!! Congrads!!!!
post #82 of 139

I need this thread!!!

I have been looking for a group like you ladies for a while on here!!

My name's Becca. I'm 27. DH is going to be 29 in about a month. We have two wonderful children, Arianna (3) and Jonas (18 months today ). We are TTC#3, but casually charting this cycle, as I'm expecting my basal thermometer in the mail today.

I have gotten a lot of flack on other threads for my submissiveness, especially when it came to my second c-section. DH's job was particularly difficult to take vacation at the end of the month, so when my (lying--I won't go into it) doctor said DS wasn't even engaged at 38 weeks (37 by my books), we elected to do a c-section at hubby's request. I got a lot of "your body, your baby, your decision" thrown at me, and I just don't see it that way. For the life of me, I can't find the verse that says our bodies are no longer our own, but even if that wasn't the case, our child's health is both of our interest, and he has an equal take in deciding what happens to it.

Anyway, I am so thankful to find this group!!
post #83 of 139
So, I'm back! I read Sacred Influence and in the short time since I've read the book, I feel a huge shift underway in my marriage! I have pretty much worn the pants in this relationship and did so in quite a manipulative way, honestly! Somehow the book really resonated with me and I found that after I made several changes on my end in my marriage, I am way way less anxious. I had to go back and forgive myself and ask forgiveness for the things I have done to hurt my marriage and my DH. I have actually lost 7lbs because I haven't been emotionally eating that stress away. It's like it just evaporated from my heart. I feel so much more in alignment with God's plan for my life and my marriage. It really opened my eyes. So, thank you for the recommendation. OT: I've been reading Grace Based Parenting and it's moving me in the same way! I feel like my day is almost a constant prayer as I realize bit by bit where I've been lead astray in my life and how to get back on the path where I belong!
post #84 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kindermama View Post
So, I'm back! I read Sacred Influence and in the short time since I've read the book, I feel a huge shift underway in my marriage! I have pretty much worn the pants in this relationship and did so in quite a manipulative way, honestly! Somehow the book really resonated with me and I found that after I made several changes on my end in my marriage, I am way way less anxious. I had to go back and forgive myself and ask forgiveness for the things I have done to hurt my marriage and my DH. I have actually lost 7lbs because I haven't been emotionally eating that stress away. It's like it just evaporated from my heart. I feel so much more in alignment with God's plan for my life and my marriage. It really opened my eyes. So, thank you for the recommendation. OT: I've been reading Grace Based Parenting and it's moving me in the same way! I feel like my day is almost a constant prayer as I realize bit by bit where I've been lead astray in my life and how to get back on the path where I belong!
I love the bolded part. I read this book while we were seperated last year and it just felt like it kept kicking me in the head over and over and over again. In a good way if such a thing exists. But like you, it completely openned my eyes to the role I played in my marriage and how I needed to change. I still find myself going back and rereading at least a chapter a month, just to refresh myself on the information. So glad you liked it and it's helping to effect a positive change in you (and your marriage).

Glad that getting marriage and parenting in line is working so well for you. Isn't it amazing how things just fall into place when we stop fighting God and start listening to Him? Also wanted to add that there's also a Sacred Parenting book - haven't read it myself - so idk what all it entails, but fyi. There's also a Sacred Marriage which is for both spouses to read should they choose - I have it, but it's on the long list of things to read.

ETA: Welcome, Becca.
post #85 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by JacquelineR View Post
I may not be Christian, but I'm not opposed to using the Bible as a moral compass or a book from which to learn many good lessons. That probably sounds really odd but... I learned a long time ago that I cannot be a healthy Christian. I border on fanatical if not treading directly into that territory. So I choose not to be a Christian, even if I agree with many of the teachings. (Again, that probably sounds silly/odd but it is what I've learned about myself.)
No offense taken, just wanted to share my stance.
I understand this. I tend towards legalism "I am good because I do this and this and this" It got to the point where bible-reading was a chore and a mark of how good I was. So I stopped. God has been teaching me that he loves me as I am, reading the bible or not. I don't seek to be a "good-girl" anymore but it doesn't matter because I am starting to realize I am God's girl. I pray for a desire to read sometimes and I can feel it coming (very)gradually but I had to get out from under this, and other, "christian" rituals to feel close to God again. The rituals were actually working to drive a wedge between God and I. You know how they say it's not a religion but a relationship? That feels so real now, before it just sounded like more christian-ease. I guess what I wanted to tell you is that God is not limited by words, and "christian" is just a word. His grace and love surpass the words you choose, or choose not, to define yourself. He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion.
post #86 of 139
Hello Ladies!!

I was hoping for some help/advice about my mil. She was a single mom and there are alot of things she ignored about dh's childhood - because it was inconvenient for her - ok she mostly ignored him and put him in some pretty precarious situations as a small child. It was before my time granted, but I see the trickle affect of some of those things in dh today, especially with the way he relates to women and it breaks my heart and yeah makes me very mad. She's also morally bankrupt - has been having an affair w/ a married man for over 30 years - and as wife who is dealing with a former wayward dh, she is a major trigger for me sometimes, because she's so nonchalant about it all like she's entitled to another woman's husband. :Puke Add toxic and master manipulation and it's just a train wreck. About a year ago I felt prompted to get it all out on the table w/ her and ask for forgiveness. I did tell her that it was important that she and dh have a relationship, but she took it as an invitation to come roaring back into our lives at warp speed. She was everywhere - telling dh she wasn't the one who put him in between us, telling me on my bday that I was a lousy housekeeper (she did apologize about a week later), but she's just a circus of narcisism and I really believe that the evil one uses her against me. idk if that makes sense. I try very hard to be kind, loving, get out of the way when she's around, go somewhere else in the house, stare off into the distance, pray about having a kinder heart (not working so far, but still praying and trying to be kinder) etc. But inevitably she gets my goat and then I make dh pay for weeks. I am working on stopping that because it's not his fault. I guess I'm just a big work in progress.

Anyway, yesterday she called my cell phone and I hate answering the phone for the most part. I would rather get a text message any day of the week - from anyone - even my mom or siblings, even friends I see on a regular basis - idk why that is, it just is. But I was busy at the time - so I handed the phone to dh (he does this frequently when my mother calls any of our phones too). Mil wants me to look for some yarn her walmart ran out of for a quilt she's making for dh. Ok, no problem - I write down the color # and say bye. She calls back again - I hand the phone to dh again - still busy. She wants to clarify the type of yarn - yes I know - no problem I will look when I run errands tomorrow. Dh and I had to run to the store because I was missing a key component for dinner. While we're out (about an hour after mil's calls) she calls dh's cell phone hysterical. I could hear her hollering from the passenger seat. She says she gets 'it' that I can't even answer the phone when she calls. That she understands now that I hate her. Dh explains that he hands the phone to me all of the time when my mother calls - we just assume parents are calling for their respective child - regardless of the phone (sometimes I forget my cell and my mom will call dh's - it's actually pretty common in our house). He explains that we were just on our way to look at Michaels for her yarn. That it wasn't a problem at all. She's saying things like she knows our marriage is important and she's going to step back - he doens't need to worry about her anymore. don't even bother about the yarn.

When dh gets off of the phone he starts hollering at me about how this stuff with mil needs to stop and we need to stop putting him in the middle. He says that mil and I need to have the discussion and say all of the things we need to say to each other and get it out in the open. That given the choice he's always going to choose me, but that she's his mother and until one of us dies - we're all 3 going to have to deal w/ each other. He calls her after we get home - she was on speaker phone but he didn't tell her - and says the same thing to her. She says again that she knows our marriage is important and he doesn't need to worry about her anymore. Focus on your marriage. Then she says that she thought a year ago that the door was back open to her and she's had it slammed back in her face (yep it's all my fault, I am after all evil). Since she didn't know I was right there I chose not to say anything - figured that would be really mean, so I just remained quiet. But of course this insanity ruined our whole night - yeah we let it. We fought about it until midnight. Dh now says that as a matter of showing respect to him, I must talk with mil. I have always tried to avoid conflict with her (other than that lunch a year ago where I thought it was all out on the table and yes did tell her that she is his mother and they do need to see each other, I did not mean she needed to invade my life and tell me what a scum sucker I am on a regular basis). I don't see the point of having a huge arguement with her about this. Telling her that I find her extremely narcisistic and manipulative and mean isn't going to do anything. Hearing that I'm selfish and mean and oppressive, a lousy housekeeper and stealing her baby isn't going to accomplish anything. I understand where dh is coming from because he is caught in the middle - I don't feel that I put him in that place. I really feel like when I met him mil had decided dh was going to cater to her every need for the rest of her life (she even talked to him like she was 2 - saying things like hambooger and I is scared) and she was extremely jealous of me. From the beginning she made me feel like an outsider. I have tried to stay out of her way because she doesn't get to see dh alot - but when she does he's just drained for a few days. I know I don't help by freaking out for a few days about how mean she was to me. Like I said working on that part.

But so now I'm faced with having it out with mil or dh thinking I'm not being respectful of him - which I don't get at all. I told him that I don't want to be the cause of the end of their relationship and he says if that's what happens it does. He knows his mother is manipulative and self-centered and he does the minimum of what he is 'contractually' obligated to do because she's family. A dear friend of mine suggested approaching it from the ok, we both love dh - what can we do to alleviate the burden of this relationship on him? We're never going to be friends, but can we be civil? angle. Suggestions? Biblical references? I know I need to get the toxic inlaws book - probably need to own more of the situation too - but first thing's first. *breathe*
post #87 of 139
fierrbugg- Do we have the same MIL???? I'm always getting into it with my husband and MIL. She does not talk to me now. And for me it is effect my children. I growup with my husband and mil. SO I know that she was/is a bad person. She did many things to my husband when he was young. And I know that she knows that I know and my whole family know.

I want her to have a relationship with my boys. BUT I will NOT leave her alone w/them. That makes things hard too.

She does one thing that really gets me going. She gives my sons presents on the other grandchildren's B-days. I hate that and she knows it. I believe that if it is your B-day then it is your B-day. YU get the gifts and only the B-day girl/boy. I have ask her many many times and she keeps doing it. NOT for anyother reson but that I hate it. HATE IT

I try very hard to leave it to the Lord. I try to stay away from her. I try to be polite to her in font of my children and leave it at that. SO I guess what I'm trying to say is that I try not to sin. I try to be nice and not get into it with her.

OH one more thing. I did sit down and talk to her many times and all I get from her is how BAD I am and how wonderful she is.

This is the woman that told me at my wedding that "I don't like you BUT I will deal with you" I was still in my wedding dress!!!!!
post #88 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nazsmum View Post
I try very hard to leave it to the Lord. I try to stay away from her. I try to be polite to her in font of my children and leave it at that. SO I guess what I'm trying to say is that I try not to sin. I try to be nice and not get into it with her.

OH one more thing. I did sit down and talk to her many times and all I get from her is how BAD I am and how wonderful she is.

This is the woman that told me at my wedding that "I don't like you BUT I will deal with you" I was still in my wedding dress!!!!!
Love that last bit.

The bolded part is me too. I try very hard to just shut up and keep my head down, stay out of her way for the few hours we see her and keep my comments to myself. For instance mil going on and on and on about what a wonderful mother she was and how great dh turned out. Let's not mention the physical abuse dh endured as a child at the hands of his caretakers or the fact that she was saying this about 6 months since the end of his affair - but yeah she did a stellar job and he was a great guy at that point (yes, he's made leaps and bounds since that point - but egads - give me a break, lady).

And I found that sitting down with her also accomplished nothing. Yes I was able to let go of the animosity I had about the way she treated me at the beginning of our marriage - we lived next door to her for 2 years and it was awful. But there's a whole host of new meanness and abuse to deal with. It didn't make things better - it just gave her an 'in' to be more mean and self-centered. She does things to act out - she started smoking again - even though all of her doctors have told her she will die if she continues - and she announced it to us saying that we were going to be so angry with her. No, you're a grown woman, if you want to die, keep smoking. Also I think dh got over being angry with her about it when he begged her as a child to stop and she refused.

And while her affair was off for alot of the last few years, she's seeing him again and I don't want to hear stories about the married jerk-off who has been cheating on his wife for 30+ years and who treated dh like crap through most of his childhood. For us, sitting down for 'the talk' didn't do much except make mil think she could continue to be abusive. And make excuses about how dh could never be the man he said he was pre-affair (and by the grace of God has actually become since). You see mil didn't raise dh going to church so my expectations that he be spiritual hoh were WAY off. Urm, really? Some of the most spiritual people I know, didn't grow up attending church (and conversly some of the least spiritual did).

So, yes I'm angry and while I have a right to be angry - I need to be less destructive about it. I did finally admit in marriage counseling a few months ago that I do hate mil - for what she did to dh as a child and I'm working on getting past that. I wans't there and yeah it's affected alot of the issues that I now have to deal with because I love dh and his childhood affected the way he relates to others - I just need to get past mil's involvement and focus on my dh and marriage.

In the mean time I do not want to have this discussion with mil - but supposedly she's going to call me today sometime? idk. If I'm running my errands I will be ignoring her - like I want to have this discussion in the bread aisle.

ETA: I did just find this article about boundaries w/ in-laws. I have been meaning to get the Boundaries in Marriage book for a while - my reading list is soooo long. But wanted so share the article w/ you.
post #89 of 139
Both my MIL and my own Mom are quite mad at times. Very difficult to get along with at times, and just plain weird most of the time. But then so is all our family.

But, when I hear about such difficult things in MIL relationships, I have to thank God that I have the MIL and Mom that I have.

I don't have any advice for you, other than to take a deep breath, pray, and do what you gotta do.

I, personally, would tell DH that I could not have another "show down" with MIL. Nothing good could come of it, and it is only guaranteed to add more stress. With MIL playing the maryter and victim, and me coming off the "evil DIL". If a "showdown" was in order, I would insist that DH was there, did all the talking, witnessed every word that was said (because you know how things get twisted when repeated), and I would say VERY little, if anything.

But that is just me.

Hope things get better for you, soon.
post #90 of 139
Fierrbug- What about talking to someone like a pastor/councilor with your dh? I think from that perspective, it may come out that this is something your dh has to deal with rather then you. And it would be coming from a professional, not you. It is his mom after all. Once we marry we leave our parents and form a new family. I just don't see how it's your problem and not his.



(((hugs))) Mothers in laws can be such a pain.
post #91 of 139
If she is a believer...

My advice would be to take the Matthew 18 approach to the situation. First you go to her alone to discuss the issue (a step I would say you have done). Then, you would go to her with one other person. Could be your DH, could be a trusted Christian sister. If she still won't listen to you, see her sin, and repent, then you would take it to a larger group (perhaps include a counselor or pastor). If there is still no change then you treat her as an unbeliever.

If she is not a believer...

Your primary responsibility is to show and share Christ with her. Hard to do. Extremely in this situation. This doesn't mean letting her be destructive to your marriage though. Some serious boundaries need to be set. This should be something you first discuss with your DH, and then have HIM convey to his mother.
post #92 of 139
Thank you ladies.

Kidzaplenty: Lucky!! - no, we all have our struggles with our situations - I'm sure there are days you would gladly trade your mil for another.

Stayinghome: Just wow. How do you respond to that? Get away from me, crazy lady!! Thankfully it has caused you and dh to be that united front.

As far as talking to a counselor - the only thing we've really touched on in counseling is that I don't like mil because of her neglect of dh growing up - and how it has profoundly affected him. We're really thinking about going to a christian counselor though, now that it's no longer part of his EAP through work. I like the one we have right now, but I think she misses some important things for both of us. We're in a marriage mentoring group through church and the other wives and I are trying to get a men's accountability group started (yes the dh's are on board) - so that hopefully fellowship with other men of God will have a positive impact on the hubbies.

Part of my problem is that I blame mil for alot of the negative and give her no credit for the positive. I do pray about it alot. It's funny that this happened yesterday - I've been watching Beth Moore's series on Healing a Broken HEart and she suggests committing to a season of healing for a wound that you have. I had just talked to a few of my friends about holding me accountable for a month in an area in which I need healing from anger, etc. Within hours mil is calling w/ her drama. Interesting.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evie's Mama View Post
If she is not a believer...

Your primary responsibility is to show and share Christ with her. Hard to do. Extremely in this situation. This doesn't mean letting her be destructive to your marriage though. Some serious boundaries need to be set. This should be something you first discuss with your DH, and then have HIM convey to his mother.
We did take her to church for several months. Dh and I even got baptized together in May and mil was there. However dh got to the point where he felt that he was pushing her and she really didn't want to go. So, he decided to step back from calling her and would let her dictate whether or not she wanted to go. She has not been back since, but has said once that she 'needs to start going again' - he did call her for 2 weeks after she said that and there was always an excuse about why she couldn't go, so he stopped again. He has let her know that anytime she wants to go, all she needs to do is call. So, idk if she is or isn't.

I guess mil called dh @ work today and requested that I write down what I want to say to her - and she's going to do the same. So we can cover it all since she knows it's going to be emotional. Really? It is? Why do I feel like I'm in jr. high? I know that dh doesn't want to go be the mediator, but I am sort of leaning toward it - idk if that's because I want him to be uncomfy if I have to be, or it's the presenting a united front thing, or what. Ugh. It will get better, I know.
post #93 of 139
Ladies,

I wanted to thank you for your support and sugesstions. I have talked to the wife of one of the mentor couples in our marriage mentoring group from church - and she thinks that dh and I should meet w/ one or both couples this week to air out the issues surrounding mil's intrusions into our marriage and hopefully be able to build up boundaries that both dh and I agree upon. Since dh respects both of the dh's I think that their input and guidance will do much more than anything I could say or do about this subject. If after talking with them dh still wants me to deal w/ mil I guess I'll have to. Mil called my cell today and left a vm that she'd 'calmed down now' and wanted me to call her back - no thanks.

My prayer is that dh and I can work this out amongst ourselves and then present a united front about the boundaries of our marriage to mil. She will rail and fight against them and try to manipulate her way back in - but hopefully getting some guidance from those we respect will help us as we move forward. I really feel like after nearly 10 years this is one of those issues that's going to make or break us - because it speaks to bigger issues. Again, praying for a biblical solution for us. Thanks again, all.
post #94 of 139
Hi ladies

I know this isn't a super active thread, but thought you all could give me some perspective, maybe. Huz is active duty military, and we're coming up on the time when we'll be putting in our "dream sheet" of where we want to move next. It will be prettly short this time, and we're torn between coasts. He wants to go anywhere except the DC area, where my parents live. I want to go anywhere except the west coast (where his family lives). He also would like to go to Alaska.

We both have good, vaild reasons. I know my place is with him, but I'm struggling with the uncertainty of not knowing where we'll go and, well, questioning his judgment. I'm alos getting a lot of pressure from my mom to move closer to her. Please reassure me.
post #95 of 139
I've been thinking about your post for a while, and I think my beat advice would be this: leave and cleave. You married a military man. Your mom needs to accept that and get some frequent flyer miles saved up or accept that you'll visit when you can. No, it's not easy. I have a pushy mother who tries to force her opinions/man-made traditions on us and we're often having to pit our foot down.

Maybe out of the country would be an option for your family? Alaska sounds nice too... Except the wacky sun times..

God be with you!
post #96 of 139
perhaps a compromise? somewehere in the middle? or somewhere that meets everyones approval? Such as a big city on the west coast or a smaller one on the east. Or there is always Alaska (but i live here so of course that's my vote)
post #97 of 139
Small military town + east coast = Jacksonville fwiw We could always use some more like minded mamas!!
post #98 of 139
I've been really struggling lately. I don't even know why. I'm guessing it's the pregnancy hormones and outside stress... But I just can NOT stop myself from arguing with DH about the dumbest things.
post #99 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs.Music View Post
I've been really struggling lately. I don't even know why. I'm guessing it's the pregnancy hormones and outside stress... But I just can NOT stop myself from arguing with DH about the dumbest things.
I feel you. Lately I feel like I'd be perfectly content living alone! DH gets on my nerves, my kids get on my nerves. I feel like I'm a horrible wife and mother. I just pray and try so hard to be kind and loving. I feel you. Hang in there. Pregnancy only lasts so long!
post #100 of 139
Glad to know I'm not alone. I wish there was a device you could use to just project your feelings to another person so they'd know to tread softly. We have to pray hard and try to understand that if you're not pregnant, you just can't know why we're crazy.
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