Had a sad reminder this weekend

[AFWife]

Let me start off by saying that the majority of people that were at my house were men in their early 20s...and our friends tend to be on the crass side. (We were holding a roast for a friend of ours afterall) I knew going in that I'd have to listen to all sorts of comments regarding BFing. (One of them told me, right after DS was born, that what I was doing was gross because "that's not what breasts are for" He wasn't kidding)

First time I sat down to nurse DS:
guy walks in: Oh My God! What are you doing?
me: feeding my son
guy: seriously? Right here?
DH: He's hungry
guy: she could at least go in the other room
DH: It's HER house.
guy: Dude...
Me: You're welcome to go in the other room and I can come and get you when he's done.

This happened all.night.long.

One guy admitted that he was uncomfortable because he didn't want everyone to think he was checking out my breasts. He said, "I go to look at the baby and there's boob right there." DH assured him that no one thought that he was checking me out on purpose.

One guy commented (about NIP), "You don't have one of those shawl things...?" I said, "I have one, but I hate to use it." He said I should for the sake of everyone else. I shrugged it off.

Finally, a girlfriend of mine came over and, when they made comments, shrugged it off saying "It's natural." She also asked, "What does that feel like?" Which was really hard for me to answer...


Anyway, it was just a not so delicate reminder at how much stigma there is surrounding BFing. I stay at home a lot so it's never really an issue...and when I NIP it's never been commented on. So, it was just a slap in the face at how far we still have to come. *sighs*

[hermionesmum]

*hug*
You're quite right...but you (AND DH) are also being fantastic role models for when these guys become parents. Well done

[OperaDiva]

Sounds like you made great strides toward making breastfeeding normal to them, good for you! It can be frustrating when people believe everything about breastfeeding that has been introduced to our culture by the formula companies, but making it a normal part of life like you just did is the best way to fix that!

[AFWife]

Thanks guys. I needed that bit of inspiration

[sarahtdubb]

Way to go, mama! I admire the way you stayed strong and normal about feeding your babe--- honestly, you were a wonderful advocate for all BFing mamas out there!

I remember when my son was born, my BIL (who was 19 at the time) was sooooo awkward about my breastfeeding. He'd roll his eyes, look kinda grossed out, ask funny questions ("oh god, are you going to nurse him right HERE?"--uh, duh.), and I had to work hard to fight my impulse to go somewhere more private where I wouldn't feel so weird. but I was determined to be normal about it, and now 2 1/2 years later my BIL doesn't bat an eye when I nurse my toddler, and I know that I've done a favor for women he encounters in the future, maybe even his potential partner.

I also love how chill your husband was. "it's her house." way to go!

[proudmomof4]

OP, you and your husband did great!
It definitely does sound as if we have a long way to go. "That's not what breasts are for!" Interesting.

[bcblondie]

Stand your ground mama! Especially in your own freaking house. My goodness.


btw. The way I would describe how it feels, is, it's like an itch being scratched!!

[Mommy2Austin]

Originally Posted by AFWife

One guy admitted that he was uncomfortable because he didn't want everyone to think he was checking out my breasts. He said, "I go to look at the baby and there's boob right there." DH assured him that no one thought that he was checking me out on purpose.

At least thats an honest to goodness reaction I can understand.

One guy commented (about NIP), "You don't have one of those shawl things...?" I said, "I have one, but I hate to use it." He said I should for the sake of everyone else. I shrugged it off.

My sarcasm impulse would have gone off and I would have something along the lines of "Of course I do, would you like to use it? I also have a blanket if its more to your taste. Wouldn't want you to have to watch."

Finally, a girlfriend of mine came over and, when they made comments, shrugged it off saying "It's natural." She also asked, "What does that feel like?" Which was really hard for me to answer...

Its nice to have a girlfriend back you up

WTG for standing (well sitting cause you were nursing ) your ground. I guarentee next time one of them sees a woman breastfeeding it will be that much less "weird" to them

[Smokering]

That sucks! Cumulatively those comments come across as really aggressive, especially given that you were in your own home. Can you imagine all the guests at a party repeatedly nagging their hostess that they thought her skirt was too short, or they didn't like the way she washed her dishes, or they thought a painting on her wall was inappropriate..? Nope... but somehow attacking a woman for feeding her baby is OK. Sheesh.

Just to show that some people have more class, I had a bunch of (female, single, childless) friends over the other night and my toddler breastfed happily on and off without any negativity. Most of my friends were used to it, but one girl I hadn't seen for ages was curious: she was asking all about AP, breastfeeding and cosleeping, and said she thought DD was impressively confident and asked if I thought it was because of my parenting style! So that was neat. DH's male friends come around too, and while they can be pretty crass they're really good about my BFing. They sometimes ask questions and want to know if I've ever been harassed for it and stuff, but they've never expressed any negativity - and they're all single and childless too. So it can happen! Move to NZ.

Good on you for standing your ground, anyway! And your DH's comment was very well said.

[proudmomof4]

Originally Posted by Smokering

That sucks! Cumulatively those comments come across as really aggressive, especially given that you were in your own home. Can you imagine all the guests at a party repeatedly nagging their hostess that they thought her skirt was too short, or they didn't like the way she washed her dishes, or they thought a painting on her wall was inappropriate..? Nope... but somehow attacking a woman for feeding her baby is OK. Sheesh.

Interesting point you're making - this would certainly be perceived as very rude indeed!

[frontierpsych]

I think you handled it fine. It does, unfortunately, take a bit of getting used to. A lot of people on these boards used to have a similar attitude, but thanks to women like you, have done a complete 180!

FWIW, most of my friends are in their early 20s to early 30s (I'm 23) and some were somewhat uncomfortable seeing me nurse at first, but now DS is 16 months, and they don't blink an eye at it.

[Emmeline II]

You are being a good role model. If it were me, I'd have my dh nicely remind them (before the step in the door next time) that he expects them to be well behaved and not to make comments about you covering up or leaving the room while breastfeeding; and if they just can't keep their opinions to themselves, they are welcome to leave.

As a pp said, when is it ever appropriate to insult or otherwise comment on the behavior of the hostess?

[Gentle~Mommy :)]

This is a HUGE issue for me and the main reason I rarely have anyone over, the judgements the comments. Of course my LO's are older 3.5 and almost 5 and we are still nursing a few times a day

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by Emmeline II

As a pp said, when is it ever appropriate to insult or otherwise comment on the behavior of the hostess?

We were doing a roast so the whole point of the evening was rude comments...and they'd been drinking...so some comments were to be expected. I was just surprised at how many I got...

[glitterdaisymom]

OMG... my hubby asked me what "it feels like" the other day and I couldn't quite answer him.

Originally Posted by bcblondie

btw. The way I would describe how it feels, is, it's like an itch being scratched!!

That is EXACTLY what it feels like.

[KristyDi]

Good for you OP. You helped them see that BF is normal. Maybe next time it comes up they'll remember you and begin to see things differently.

Originally Posted by bcblondie

btw. The way I would describe how it feels, is, it's like an itch being scratched!!

Originally Posted by glitterdaisymom

OMG... my hubby asked me what "it feels like" the other day and I couldn't quite answer him.

That is EXACTLY what it feels like.

Maybe I'm just too literal, but the few times anyone has asked me that question my answer has been something like, "It feels like someone sucking on my boob, in a completely non-sexual way."

It's also interesting how people experience the same thing so differently. I would never describe bfing as "an itch being scratched"

[bcblondie]

Well, I guess let-down, is more what I'm describing. It's funny how good it feels... especially once you're past the innitial newborn phase, and the baby can keep up. He's just chuggin away. nom nom nom. lol.

But yea, once let-down is over then it mostly just feels like sucking...

[Umpqua]

Originally Posted by AFWife

We were doing a roast so the whole point of the evening was rude comments...and they'd been drinking...so some comments were to be expected. I was just surprised at how many I got...

I'm glad you clarified that because I kind of read the situation as being sort of joking/brutally honest. Kudos to you for standing your ground and hopefully those boys got a bit of education. At the same time, it's interesting that they were so honest about what they were perceiving - instead of odd glances or dirty looks you got a somewhat true insight into how they perceived the situation.

It's still a little shocking, but perhaps the fact that they were so open with you means they are open to learning more and growing a little bit.

[proudmomof4]

Originally Posted by Umpqua

I'm glad you clarified that because I kind of read the situation as being sort of joking/brutally honest. Kudos to you for standing your ground and hopefully those boys got a bit of education. At the same time, it's interesting that they were so honest about what they were perceiving - instead of odd glances or dirty looks you got a somewhat true insight into how they perceived the situation.

It's still a little shocking, but perhaps the fact that they were so open with you means they are open to learning more and growing a little bit.

Let's hope so!
Obviously, my English isn't quite up to scratch here: why where you "expecting" some rude comments? "Doing a roast"?

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by proudmomof4

Let's hope so!
Obviously, my English isn't quite up to scratch here: why where you "expecting" some rude comments? "Doing a roast"?

From Wikipedia: A roast, in North American English, is an event in which an individual is subjected to a public presentation of comedic insults, praise, outlandish true and untrue stories, and heartwarming tributes, the implication being that the roastee is able to take the jokes in good humor and not as serious criticism or insult, and therefore, show their good nature.

It's become a tradition among our group that when anyone joins the military we "roast" them.