Socializing with couples?

[Rosehip]

I'd love to hear from other single moms who socialize with couples. The vast majority of my friends are married.

Over the past year, I've become friends with a group of moms in my town. They're lovely, and I'm really happy about it, especially since I believe I'm *literally* the only single parent at my kids' preschool. It was easy to feel like the odd one out. Anyhoo, initially, I was invited to girls' nights out, daytime lunches, playdates, etc. But lately, they've started to invite me to their couple events - a dinner, drinks, etc. And they're a really fun group! The husbands are nice (and maybe they've got available friends) But...the 3 times I've gone out for couples' things, the guys have paid, or tried to pay for me. Typically, the men handle splitting the bill. Twice, I let them pay. I of course tried to pay, to no avail, and felt really awkward continuing to argue. They obviously know that I'm single & a student, and I'm sure can surmise that the dinner would have been a really spendy night out for me. Also, because of the pattern of the guys just figuring out the bill between themselves, and the wives generally not getting involved, they may feel awkward telling me how much I owe. The third time, it was more casual, and I just insisted on putting down the money for my drink. It was also easier, b/c it was a relatively small bill so everyone was paying cash.

BUT, I'm concerned about this being a continuing pattern. I was invited to go for a birthday dinner for two of the guys in February. I really, really don't want to be the freeloader, or the poor single girl... I also don't want to make a scene arguing with the guys...

I live in a high rent town (living w/my parents) and folks do socialize a lot & spend quite a bit of money. I'd like to continue to join them, at least sometimes, but also kind of want to deal with the money issue. I'm not in a position to treat everyone on occasion as a way to reciprocate. Anyone BTDT or any ideas on how to handle this?

[Holland73]

I have been in similar situations. I don't argue. I always, always, always offer, but I will not get into an argument about it. If they are insistent, then what can I do?

I don't think it means that I am a freeloader or that I am poor, because I know that I am not... it just means that I have fabulous friends who enjoy my company and want and/or are able to treat me.

But, sometimes, when the invitation is extended, I will specifically say, in a casual way, "I'd love to come, as long as you let me pay for my share."

I also make up for it in other ways thoughtful ways, such as dropping off a special dessert between get togethers... just because. Or I will insist on babysitting for my friend and her husband one night, so they can go out alone.

It is just a matter of being thoughtful and appreciative, at least that is how it is for me when I treat my friends.

[mumblemama]

Holland already gave great advice, and I've never experienced your situation. But wanted to say it sounds like you have friends that appreciate and want you around and that's awesome!

[sugarmoon]

would you feel comfortable addressing it with one of the women, privately sometime when you are just hanging out? telling her basically what you told us? that you want to keep joining them, but don't want to be a freeloader? Either she'll assure you that it is really no big deal at all for them to pay for you (and maybe it's not!) and they just really want you to come along, or she'll pass the message along to her husband that you want to pay your own way.

It is a tricky situation. I don't have that with money, but I do find I feel that way in terms of asking friends to do me favors (esp childcare or helping with getting the kids to their activities). I *NEED* to have people I can lean on for these things, but if I don't get asked to reciprocate (and most of my friends tell me "I can't ask you to watch another kid! You are on your own with 4 already!"), I am just not comfortable asking for help.

I like Hollands suggestions of dropping off a homemade goody (or a dinner if you know a friend is having a particularly busy day?) or offering to sit for a date night for them.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by Holland73

I have been in similar situations. I don't argue. I always, always, always offer, but I will not get into an argument about it. If they are insistent, then what can I do?

I don't think it means that I am a freeloader or that I am poor, because I know that I am not... it just means that I have fabulous friends who enjoy my company and want and/or are able to treat me.

But, sometimes, when the invitation is extended, I will specifically say, in a casual way, "I'd love to come, as long as you let me pay for my share."

I also make up for it in other ways thoughtful ways, such as dropping off a special dessert between get togethers... just because. Or I will insist on babysitting for my friend and her husband one night, so they can go out alone.

It is just a matter of being thoughtful and appreciative, at least that is how it is for me when I treat my friends.

this is what i do too. however i have learnt to look at this differently too.

after one of my friends pointed it out.

she said they feel incredibly grateful to be able to contribute in some ways to my life. they know how hard life is for me. its a way of them showing their appreciation of what a good job i am doing. and the money to buy me dinner is no big deal at all. its like they dont even miss it. they also point out the emotional and psychological contribution i am making to their and their children's lives. i am family. it was certainly a different perspective. and i can relate to it because at my old job i would do the same when i saw a single dad drinking copious amounts of free coffee to keep his hunger at bay. buying him a sandwich was no big deal for me at all.

i also make things. for instance if we go for a holiday we bring back something small for the children. i do a lot of children things rather than so much adult stuff. like if i buy something for dd, i get somethings for her friends too. something small but unique and the kids love it.

i dont really try to make it even though. it has become a habit for me. so whether i have gone out for dinner for a few months or not, i end up getting stuff for the kids.

[meandmine]

Great advice from pp.

Sounds like you have thoughtful friends.

I do this quite a bit and rarely would anyone offer to cover my tab :-). However, folks will do things like say -- "we'll cover the appetizer (we shared) because there are more of us" (it is always couples and kids), stuff like that.

How can you argue with that?

Last night I was out with three other families: one family of five, two of four and mine of three. One dad suggested we just split the bill four ways ... ummm, no. I wasn't prepared to cover the family of five and the two beers several of the guys had. Fortunately, one of the other moms piped up and said no. So, it goes both ways -- the waitress split our tabs -- mine tab was $20-25 less than the other families. Phew!

M

[DaughterOfKali]

I live in a similar town and belong to two major real life groups here. They do have many evening/night events/dinners and it's mostly couples. The good thing with my situation though is that these events are usually held in someone's home. And people usually have to bring food (appetizer, entree, or dessert.)

I do feel weird at times but I make myself go when I can. I need grown-up time!