surrogacy denial

[trekkingirl]

so I prayed for a long while and talked with my husband about my desire to bless another family with a baby by becoming a surrogate. My main reason being that I wanted to do something amazing with my life, you know something incredible and selfless. The kind of thing that would be mentioned at my funeral when I die. I applied online with an agency and got a response back asking about my mental health history. I explained to them that when I was 14 my dad died and my step mom had me put on prozac. mourning my father wasn't a possibility, I must have been depressed! I never heard back from them. they didn't even have the courtesy to send a thanks anyways email. I got so discouraged that I have been thinking about other ways of being an amazing person. I've been researching helping kids in need by becoming a foster parent. I can't help wonder if I gave up too easily on surrogacy. I really don't have mental problems or a mental health history. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything about my overbearing step mom. Does anybody have experience in this area? Any opinions?

[Tigerchild]

I think if you are specifically asked about being on Prozac or other psychotropic medications, you are ethically bound to answer truthfully. I think that it's worth asking to be able to clarify when and under what circumstances. So no, I don't think you should hide that information.

Keep in mind that unlike adoption in many ways, the "product" of surrogacy is a little different. I think most parents are going to feel...well, I don't like the word "ownership", but something like that, more of it towards the surrogate than they might an expectant mom. So I could see some agencies being very strict about who they will accept as a surrogate, particularly if it's going to be *your* eggs that are used. Even if not, pregnancy and losing the child that you carry can bring on depression and other temporary problems, so they may just rule out anyone with a history since you're "higher risk". I'm sure there's different standards for different agencies. You might need to apply to several or network to find different agencies.

I just want to say though, that you already are an "amazing person". I can tell that you really want to help people, but you know--you don't HAVE to be a foster parent or a surrogate to make an amazing impact on other people's lives. If surrogacy or fostering won't work for you right now, have you considered maybe being a big for big brothers/big sisters? Or, if you have some spare time away from kids, seeing if you can get involved with a crisis nursery and donate some hours to just holding and rocking newborns going through withdrawal at the hospital or special center? Or perhaps looking for a mentoring program for young moms so that you can help them? (this is often something you can do with your babies/young kids in tow) Being a surrogate or foster parent won't make you more or less amazing than you already are--and you can still do amazing things even if it's not right to do those things right now.

[heatherdeg]

You can still be a surrogate. Plenty of people find their surrogate from the surro online message boards. We found our match there (she subsequently got separated from her husband and we then went adoptive). It's a HUGE cost issue (and time issue) to leave finding a match to the agencies.

But even if you don't foster, you could be a CASA advocate in most states. I know that in NJ, CASAs are only asked to give 5 hours/month minimum but may take on a case that demands up to 50 hours/month if they want to (retirees sometimes do this).

CASAs are CRITICAL to a child's long-term stability and are usually regarded as the most significant voice in court because they are presumably the most objective. Don't worry--you have training and hand-holding.

Visit the CASA website to find the group nearest you (if there is one!)

[lauren]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

I just want to say though, that you already are an "amazing person". I can tell that you really want to help people, but you know--you don't HAVE to be a foster parent or a surrogate to make an amazing impact on other people's lives. If surrogacy or fostering won't work for you right now, have you considered maybe being a big for big brothers/big sisters? Or, if you have some spare time away from kids, seeing if you can get involved with a crisis nursery and donate some hours to just holding and rocking newborns going through withdrawal at the hospital or special center? Or perhaps looking for a mentoring program for young moms so that you can help them? (this is often something you can do with your babies/young kids in tow) Being a surrogate or foster parent won't make you more or less amazing than you already are--and you can still do amazing things even if it's not right to do those things right now.

Great post!

[ilovemygirl]

H