PP Support Question...

[Lovumms333238]

So I am 27 weeks and I went to my first La Leche meeting today and was very inspired by a 6day PP mother and baby to start planning ahead for support now. I am in Texas and my family and DHs family is in Ohio so this must be planned for ahead of time... That being said I have my mother and MIL offering to come down to help. My mother was hit by a school bus in 2008 before Christmas. She hasn't had surgery yet but she has 3 slipped discs in her back and is on Oxycontin for the pain, she doesn't do very much these days, so she's pretty stationary. She doesn't work and is on disability so her schedule is open unlike my MIL's who has a FT job still. By no means am I looking to take anything away from my mom or hurt her feelings but instinctively I know she will drive me mad after the first week! She cant afford to put herself up down here since my dad is supporting both of them she'd be staying on our couch. She wouldn't be able to clean or cook or do anything to help us out but I know she'd want "baby time" and I think this being our first I am not going to want to give it to her! I am sure I will be BFing most of the day and doing not much else but sleeping and eating when I can. My MIL is a mom's mom if you know what I mean. She loves to take care of DH and I when she visits, cooking cleaning etc, so I know for a fact that when our little jellybean arrives she will be the most help to us. She definitely knows her place and knows when to back off, plus she has the money to put herself up in a model apartment our apartment complex rents out right across the street! So if DH and I wanted alone time all we'd have to do is ask.

So long story short, I guess I just dont know how to tell my mother without hurting her feelings. I dont want this to turn into a big thing and my mother and I dont have the best relationship ( when I told her I didnt want her in the delivery room she started crying and plead her case to me for an hour trying to convince me otherwise ) so it is going to be hard to talk to her about it. I am going to down-play it as much as possible but she feels like she really missed out with my younger sister who had her baby last january and uses her little girl as a pawn with my parents. i.e. not letting them see her if she doesn't get what she wants, She's 18 by the way. So I really want them to be a part of our daughters life but just not in the first... oh lets say 6 weeks???? IDK
Any suggestions or opinions or ANYTHING? Any other moms go through this?
Please help
What are other mamas doing out there?

[evjolin]

You are in a tough spot, no doubt. Have a few ideas for you. One, what if you explained to BOTH families that you and DH feel that the first week (or two) you really want to spend quality time bonding and establishing breastfeeding and that you won't be having any visitors. Hire a postpartum doula to help you. Then, once you feel established, I'm sure it would be a pleasure for your mom to visit, be specific about the time period (3 days, a week, whatever feels right to you) and do the same with you in laws.

Im in a similar situation, though my mother isn't in severe physical pain. But my mom is what I would call "somewhat" helpful, while my mil is a machine--she never stops!! My house will be perfect every day mil is with us! But where4 i differ is that I want my mom with my in the delivery room, and I want her there after the baby is born. Luckily, for both sets of grandparents, even though they live far away, they are able to come visit and my parents will rent a place and my in laws will stay locally with friends.

Do you have any friends your parents or in laws could stay with while they visit, so you have some privacy? see my thread in DDC july 2010 called "visitors".....everyone has a different relationship with the gparents, and everyone gave good advice, but you'll ultimately know what is best for you and baby and dh.

in the end, you need to put your new family first and do what is best for you, at the same time preserving your relationship with your mom as much as possible. good luck!

[jecombs]

Ugg, that's a sticky situation. Would it be possible for your DH to take the first week off of work to be with you at home? Then he could be in-charge of all the cooking, cleaning, etc. after you get out of the hospital.

My Mom was supposed to come and stay with me for a week after I had my DD. She ended up only staying a day or two, because my grandfather became very ill and she had to go take care of him. I was nervous about being on my own with a new baby, but I did just fine! Just make sure you have plenty of stuff to eat in the house, like fruit and sandwhich fixings because you will be starving all the time if you BF. Put some meals in the freezer now, if you can, then you can just heat them up for supper if you are alone (or have DH bring you take-out). I'm sure you'll do fine, just like I did!

ITA with pp. I wouldn't invite any visitors until after the first 2-4 weeks. Then maybe your MIL can come first, for a week or so, then your Mom for a few days or however long you feel comfortable.

In the end you have to do what is best for you and your new family, and let go of the result. I'm not saying you should hurt your Mom's feelings on purpose or be insensitive to her, but her needs are not the #1 priority right now.

[Peony]

Originally Posted by jecombs

In the end you have to do what is best for you and your new family, and let go of the result. I'm not saying you should hurt your Mom's feelings on purpose or be insensitive to her, but her needs are not the #1 priority right now.

Exactly. I was working with a mom yesterday, mother to a 10 day old. Breastfeeding problems that weren't caused by family, but entertaining both sets of unhelpful family in the first week of baby's life definitely did a lot of damage. There is much more at stake here then hurt feelings.


You've recognized that your mother is not going to be a help, and now it is just telling her which is always easier said then done. Is your partner able to take off any time off of work? If it was my family then I'd have just the 3 of you until he goes back to work and then arrange for MIL to be there to help you. THEN see how things are going and tell your mom when she can come, and for how long, shorter is better! Now what to tell her, maybe something along the lines of no one is getting to come right away, you need time to bond as a family and then you want to get the hang of bfing, some of the exhaustion under control BEFORE she comes so then when she is there, you can enjoy your visit with her.