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Striving For A More Simple/Minimalist Life in 2010 - Page 8

post #141 of 230
Quote:
Originally Posted by zoebird View Post
i think he had 10 or more rubber maid bins of just old 'stuff' that didn't have importance. he didn't know why he clung to it "just in case." it was just an emotional thing, and something he didn't want ot face. but once he did, and once he had a reason to let it go, he was able to do so.
Thanks for sharing, and relating. Sadly, 10 Rubbermaid bins is nothing compared to what my DH has. Boxes, bins, walls stuffed with things of all nature. Things he hasn't touched or thought of in 10 plus years, except when responding no to my question of whether we can donate or get rid of it. That's the only time he's thought of it. Ugh.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Oliver's Mama View Post
Could you really use his storage space for something to better the family? An office, a playroom, etc? The only way I can nudge dh into decluttering his stuff is if I convince him we could really use that space for something better, and then he agrees that maybe he doesn't need the stuff he hasn't touched in years. It especially helps if I need the room for our kids- who wants to deny their kids free space for the sake of holding on to ten year old books that have never been touched?
Oh, yes, we could use the room. We have a home with enough space for an office or a playroom or a guest room. (not for all those things, but for each of those options).

Instead, we have DH's room. We don't have a guest room, a playroom, or an office, and never have. "Extra" space has always been a room unto DH himself for his collections and hobbies.

Also, we could definitely use the space in the basement, not so much to finish it off, but to open up some running around space for our little one. It would be great to have a clear indoor space to accommodate play on rainy or cold days. But, DH's crap is down there.

I've brought up the conversion of space ideas, and DH just doesn't see a guest room as a necessity and he thinks toys in the living room corner is a more ideal situation than say a playroom.

It's his personality.
post #142 of 230
Question for you ThatIsNice,

Do you think he'd be willing to consolidate it all into one space? Like saying, "I'm not trying to get rid of your stuff, lets just put it all in one room (agreeing that you would then not mention it since it would be "his space") so that we can open up some space for DC to run around in downstairs?". Do you think that seeing it all in one space, and how much room it takes up collectively, would impact him at all? Do you think he'd be more willing to part with any of it if, the next time he wanted to add something to his pile, it literally wouldn't fit into the room?

Just throwing some ideas out there...oh...and my last thought...present it to him as a choice:

"Would you rather consolidate all of your stuff into the extra room or down in the basement?". That way, whichever one he chooses, you win some extra room...
post #143 of 230
Quote:
Originally Posted by CeciMami View Post
Question for you ThatIsNice,

Do you think he'd be willing to consolidate it all into one space? Like saying, "I'm not trying to get rid of your stuff, lets just put it all in one room (agreeing that you would then not mention it since it would be "his space") so that we can open up some space for DC to run around in downstairs?". Do you think that seeing it all in one space, and how much room it takes up collectively, would impact him at all? Do you think he'd be more willing to part with any of it if, the next time he wanted to add something to his pile, it literally wouldn't fit into the room?

Just throwing some ideas out there...oh...and my last thought...present it to him as a choice:

"Would you rather consolidate all of your stuff into the extra room or down in the basement?". That way, whichever one he chooses, you win some extra room...
Hey thanks. These are good suggestions, actually.

It is funny to imagine putting all DH's stuff in one space. It would all fit in the basement, but if I moved it all to his room, it wouldn't fit, and it would become immediately apparent just how much stuff he has.

The thing is most of his stuff is stuff he doesn't even use on a daily, monthly, or yearly basis.

When it comes to things like clothes and items he would use daily, DH is minimalist, I suppose (other than videos and video games).

The bulk of his items are things like all his college text books from 5 plus years of school. All of them. He never got rid of, gave away, or sold a single one. He's not just keeping the books from his major, he's also keeping books from his electives, like a western civilization class he took freshman year almost 20 years ago. And the notes! He has all his college notes and notebooks from every class he ever took. It's ridiculous.

We have moved many times since college to different apartments and different cities. He's never touched those notes or referenced them, and he's not going to. I think if you haven't used something in 20 years, recycle the paper!!

He isn't a person who throws things away though, and he's very proud of the fact that his lineage is that way too. He has collectors and packrats in his family.



Part of it (most of it?) is just sheer laziness on his part. He doesn't want me to do it for him because there might be a "gem" in the mix that he's forgotten about that I won't know is important to him, and he'd rather just keep everything he has, just in case he needs it at some point.

The other thing he has is casette tapes from when he was a teenager. Like really old casette tapes, and dubbed copies. Hundreds of them, if not thousands. First of all, I don't think we even have a working tape deck anymore! I mean, he's had all this and we've gone through at least two media changes...cds and then mp3s/digial. Maybe time to get rid of the old casette tapes.

post #144 of 230
Hey Simple/Minimalist Mamas...I could use your advice. I just posted a thread asking about a possible move that would be downsizing quite a bit for our family of 6. I'd appreciate your thoughts on the matter if you have time
post #145 of 230
Well, after the past few comments I feel better about my dp's habits.
post #146 of 230
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vancouver Mommy View Post
I find I can only do this work when I'm in the right mood. If I'm not I just wander around looking at stuff.

Or pulling it out and making more mess.
post #147 of 230
Quote:
Originally Posted by celestialdreamer View Post
Hey Simple/Minimalist Mamas...I could use your advice. I just posted a thread asking about a possible move that would be downsizing quite a bit for our family of 6. I'd appreciate your thoughts on the matter if you have time
Can you link it?
post #148 of 230
this last purge was after his first big purge 5 years ago. so, we got rid of a lot of stuff then, and then over the years, i would encourage another purge.

but the real key that i wanted to share (that i suppose got lost) was simply finding a way to organize his stuff in a way that you can live with. for me, it was putting it into our closets (two) and then storing it at his mother's. that was the only space we had, because otherwise it was "out" in the rooms and cluttering them up. and that was a no-no for me. *i cannot live like that.* so, he did have to compromise.

that being said, the idea of putting it all in his room might motivate him to go through it. one of the things that i did to indicate to DH the difficulty of his piles (before our first purge 5 years ago where he did get rid of a lot of stuff), was begin to pile all of his stuff in and around his work space.

you see, i was cleaning out the spaces in the house to make them how i could live with them, becuase i couldn't live as we were anymore. i told him this, and i told him that i would put all of his stuff in his space. his space was the dining room table and a corner with the book cases. this is where he prefered to work, even though i'd created an 'office' for him that he put his junk in but never used because it was too junky.

i told him i was creating it into a guest room, and using the guest room as a yoga room, because i needed clear spaces in our home. i had already cleared out our bedroom (this was before children, btw). and, we often had guests over and they needed a space.

he agreed to this, and so i told him that anything that didn't fit in the closets i would put in his space in the dining room.

very soon, he began to see how his *stuff* actually affected him too. by never going into the office, the clutter never bothered him. and the "minimal" clutter that he had in the dining room was what he liked (he likes to be able to "see" things and doesn't necessarily like how minimalist and clean i prefer to be). though he prefers a "zen" look--or so he tells me.

anyway, i began to pile his things up all around him--the dining room table, the dining room chairs, the window seat, the shelving, and then on the floor next tot he seat where he worked. he began to moan and fusss--"This is impossible to work in! it's too cluttered! why are you doing this to me?"

and i informed him that i wasn't doing anything to him. he was doing it to himself. he was choosing to hold onto that stuff, and he agreed that it would go in his work space so that common spaces (bedroom, yoga/meditation room/guest room/living room and kitchen) would be open. we lived in a condo, so all we had were closets--no basement, no attic.

it was then that he agreed to go through that stuff--and the stuff in the closets--and decide what he wanted to store in the storage space that we had or ask his mother to store for him.

after that first purge, he was partially reformed. every year i would force him to purge again so we would have space for his new stuff. it upset him, and he would fight, but i would remind him of our past life (i took photos of it) and he didn't want to go back.

now, having lived minimally for the last 3 months, he *loves* it. he won't go back. he purges daily.

they can be reformed, but they also ahve to be willing to face their emotional attachments to things.
post #149 of 230
Quote:
Originally Posted by zoebird View Post
they can be reformed, but they also ahve to be willing to face their emotional attachments to things.
This can be so hard, even hard to watch.

When DH and I were first married we couldn't bring up all our childhood stuff from our parents houses but one of the things he took was a box of old wrestling magazines. I've always been really into decluttering and I kept bugging him to sort through his stuff. He finally decided that since he never read his magazines he could sell them on Ebay and make a little money, well he found out they were worthless. Completely worthless, he couldn't even DONATE them somewhere. He was absolutely heartbroken, I'm talking real tears from a grown man, and I felt awful, like it was ALL MY FAULT. At that point the box moved out of the apartment and into his car, that was all he could manage. It wasn't until the magazines were damaged from a leaky window in the car that he was able to toss them (this was over a year later). And that was so hard for him to do, and just as hard for me to watch.

Now he still has a hard time getting rid of some things, but when I start paring down my stuff and if there is a box sitting out of things to give away he will toss his stuff into it too.

I guess what I am trying to say is it isn't fair of us to criticize our DH's stuff because it really is important to them even if it seems totally nuts to us. What we can do is move it somewhere or arrange it so we can live with it. For us, that means most of DH's baseball card collection lives in his old room at his Dad's house. I also have chosen to get rid of my things to make sure his fit in the space we have.

I think as the common living spaces clear out, and they see how excited you are about really appreciating the few things you chose to keep, eventually they will begin to reach that place where they can start letting go too.
post #150 of 230
hmm. "it isn't fair of us to criticize our DH's stuff because it really is important to them even if it seems totally nuts to us."

i will say that i have been guilty of this. there are many things that i don't get--like keeping movie ticket stubs.

but, i do understand things like collections. but let me rephrase that. i actually do not understand collections at all. but, i do understand that people have sentimental attachments to them and want to keep them. whether it's base ball cards ot magazines or whatever else. i do get that.

and for my own part, the majority of what is in storage for us is collections--books and magazine collections, DH's action figure collection, and our remaining travel trinkets (also some paperwork such as taxes for the last 7 years). it is the stuff that is truly most important.

but i do think that it is important for us also to ask our DH's--just as they can ask us--to create space for the rest of us or figure it out.

here's what got my husband on the first purge. We were doing renovations to the house--paint, floors mostly. not major stuff, btu still. so, to do this, we needed to clear things out, and then we would put things back away. it's a great opportunity to purge.

well, we started to go through the closets, shelves, stacks and piles. and DH just kept shuffling his stuff room to room with each purge.

finally, i told him that we couldn't just keep a room of piles of stuff. I wanted to be able to use every room in the house, and he needed to figure out what to do with that 'stuff.' and i gave him two options: purge or get a storage room.

my husband was adamantly against getting a storage room because he didn't want to pay to store his stuff. he felt that he should just have a room for it in the house. i noted to him that i didn't have a room of stuff, that i was purging to create more room for his stuff, and to allow us to have useable spaces.

ultimately, he had all of those piles in the dining room, and he complained that not only could he not use it for his creative endeavors, but we also couldn't use it as a dining room if we invited friends over. it was also right inside our front door, and so he was embarassed to ahve people over because of the "mess."

he had to acknowledge that it was his mess, his stubborn behavior to not get a storage room or not purge that had created that situation.

and that motivated him to purge.

but here's the real upside for him--he felt emotionally free once he did. he got rid of old papers from highschool, college, and graduate school. he realized how oppressive that stuff was to him. he felt liberated from it. he got rid of what he truly didn't need anymore, but he was just carrying due to some sense of obligation.
post #151 of 230
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paigekitten View Post
but one of the things he took was a box of old wrestling magazines.
I could deal with a box of anything. But 10 boxes of x, 10 boxes of y, 10 boxes of z AND his own designated room for just his stuff?

It's too much.

It's not stuff he has from when he was a child. It's not sentimental, not really, not outwardly. Perhaps inwardly, it holds something for him. But, really, I know my husband and it's really two things: laziness and personality. DH throws out nothing. I'm talking about prescription medicine bottles from 2001...in my name! He keeps them stashed. He stuffs things behind book cases, behind his tv, in his closet, in boxes, in garbage bags.

I'm talking all notes from college. All of them! From every class. Literally. Boxes and boxes of old notebooks and old quizzes and old text books, even for electives.

At one point, for a couple of years, he was keeping my stuff that I no longer wanted. I would throw it away or sort it, and it would somehow find it's way stuffed back behind something of his in his room that I rarely went into. I was really mad when I found items of mine that I had thrown away that he had retrieved.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paigekitten View Post
It wasn't until the magazines were damaged from a leaky window in the car that he was able to toss them (this was over a year later). And that was so hard for him to do, and just as hard for me to watch.
DH would have kept them. He's had several things damaged over the years. The dog chewed up a bunch of his books a few years ago...gnawed the edges, and tore the covers right off. They were cheap paperbacks. DH kept them. He couldn't read them because chunks of the books were missing, but he still kept them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paigekitten View Post
I guess what I am trying to say is it isn't fair of us to criticize our DH's stuff because it really is important to them even if it seems totally nuts to us. What we can do is move it somewhere or arrange it so we can live with it. For us, that means most of DH's baseball card collection lives in his old room at his Dad's house. I also have chosen to get rid of my things to make sure his fit in the space we have.
Yes, but sometimes my DH's issues seem to border on hoarding, or negligence. My therapist said so when I described it.

Plus, it's selfish. DH takes up one of our bedrooms (which is a finite commodity in our house...most everyone's house). DH takes it up with just his stuff. He always has. In every apartment or house we've had, DH has had his very own bedroom for his very own stuff. When we had a two bedroom apartment, we didn't have a guest room, or a baby, or an office. We had our bedroom and DH's junk room. Every single time.

I'd love to have a playroom, an office, a library, a guest bedroom...heck, storage potential in that bedroom. But it's been claimed by DH and it's not up for discussion from him.

And that is just ridiculous. It's also impacted housing decisions. We weren't able to downscale our housing needs to afford a nicer neighborhood but smaller house. DH will not compromise...he demands his own room. So, how much extra do we pay on our mortgage to accommodate this stuff that he never even touches? How much of a better school district could we have gotten by downsizing the house size? It really gets down to issues like this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paigekitten View Post
I think as the common living spaces clear out, and they see how excited you are about really appreciating the few things you chose to keep, eventually they will begin to reach that place where they can start letting go too.
No. DH will never be the type of guy who is excited to clear anything. Clutter does not bother him. I might even go so far as to say clutter comforts him. Like I said, he keeps things like prescription bottles from 2001. He "collects" things from his travels like a plastic champaign glass and an empty milk carton. And then he "displays" them by keeping it all jumbled up in big cardboard boxes that he never opens in 10 plus years. The example above is from an attempt to sort through the boxes with him. Guess what? We still have the plastic (cracked mind you) champaign glass and the old, emptied milk carton from Vermont.

I also wanted to add something about obsolescence. DH is a huge collector of music. Not in a "I collect old vinyl records" sense, though.

No. DH had thousands of cassette tapes in the 80s and 90s. He then moved on to thousands (around 5,000) cds. Then he started collecting data discs of MP3s. Obviously, those are smaller and hold more capacity, so we have less than 100 disc folders of those, and they take up less space, but yet we still have the thousands of casettes, thousands of cds, hundreds of old VHS tapes and hundreds of dvds.

And DH doesn't use any of it. Really, he doesn't. He now has an iPod for his music and that is all he's listened to for the past 5 years. The thousands of outdated media sit in dusty boxes in our basement, next to the dozens of boxes with all his college notes.

Why? I'm going to go out on a limb and say if you haven't used it in 5 years, you probably aren't going to ever use it.
post #152 of 230
ThatIsNice, I just wanted to chime in and say that its pretty safe to say that your DH is a hoarder. The behaviors you describe...stuffing things behind furniture, keeping items that are ruined or broken, keeping YOUR stuff that even you don't want, not being willing to discuss the topic, and choosing the clutter/stuff over the health of real life relationships are hoarding behaviors. I have nothing but empathy and hugs for you- it's tough to deal with. My DH is not a hoarder but I have family members who are and it's miserable and tears families apart. Please don't feel that you are somehow failing because you can't influence him. This is bigger than you, unfortunately. Be gentle with yourself and know that this, while extremely frustrating and difficult, is not something you can fix or heal on your own. It's all him and he would have to choose to change.
post #153 of 230
Quote:
Originally Posted by LCB View Post
ThatIsNice, I just wanted to chime in and say that its pretty safe to say that your DH is a hoarder. The behaviors you describe...stuffing things behind furniture, keeping items that are ruined or broken, keeping YOUR stuff that even you don't want, not being willing to discuss the topic, and choosing the clutter/stuff over the health of real life relationships are hoarding behaviors. I have nothing but empathy and hugs for you- it's tough to deal with. My DH is not a hoarder but I have family members who are and it's miserable and tears families apart. Please don't feel that you are somehow failing because you can't influence him. This is bigger than you, unfortunately. Be gentle with yourself and know that this, while extremely frustrating and difficult, is not something you can fix or heal on your own. It's all him and he would have to choose to change.
Thank you.

We're definitely not anywhere near the point where we have only aisles in our house to navigate through all the stuff, like you see in the classic (and worst) examples of hoarding.

I think there is a show on TLC or a channel like that and it might even be called Hoarders or maybe it's The Big Clean Up or something like that. I watched a couple of episodes with DH and he laughed and made fun of them and used it as proof that he is not a hoarder.

He is on a smaller scale, but a scale that is too big for me, and too big for our home, and doesn't accommodate our family.

He should not get his own room for his own stuff, and he should not take up all the storage space in the basement with just his stuff.

As I said, a lot of it is sheer laziness. He stuffs things in between furniture and behind furniture and in the most inappropriate places because he has more stuff than storage shelves or bins, and because he also doesn't want me to find things, like the prescription bottles with old medication from 2001 that are in my name and that probably expired about 5 or 6 years ago. His point is that you never know when you might need them, and you don't want to have to go to the doctor and get a new prescription. And my point is yes, I do want to go to the doctor to get a new prescription because 1) I'm not using old, expired medication prescribed for my wisdom teeth removal, and 2) you shouldn't be taking anything not prescribed to you, and anything not prescribed for that particular health issue. It bugs the crap out of me when he saves things like that.

Or the junk. Or the old, outdated, and replaced media. If he were old enough, he'd still have eight tracks, but thank goodness it's limited to casettes, VHS, and cds.
post #154 of 230
I've always been so envious of other wives when I go over to their houses and see that they have 2, or 3, or 4 bedrooms, and one bedroom is for sleeping, maybe a bedroom or two for the kids, and then the extra bedroom is a guest room or an office or something for the whole family.

I know my relationship with DH is dysfunctional and I think the first real sign, the first physical sign was that in our first apartment he a bedroom all for himself and his hobbies, collections, and stuff.

I'm also envious of couples who can share a closet. I would NEVER share a closet with DH because of the junk he keeps and stashes, like the old prescriptions from 2001. And his main method of storage is garbage bags stuffed with all matter of items. It could be shoes next to lotion next to scissors all in the same bag. I need better organization than that.
post #155 of 230
to you That Is Nice

You are more patient than me. I abhor clutter. I seriously cannot function in clutter, it drives me crazy. If my DH was like this I would have gone through and thrown out / given away all his stuff when he was at work and when he got home let the sparks fly!
post #156 of 230
I'm mostly working on trying to convince my husband to jump on board with me! If I had my way, I'd just have my clothes, a few books, my knitting stuff, and the basic supplies I need to cook. He wants anything and everything anyone could ever hope to need. My way of thinking: "If we haven't touched it or thought about it in 6 months, it's going to GoodWill". His thinking: "Well, no, I haven't used it in 2 years but in 10 years we might own a house and XYZ could go wrong and we'd NEED this (whatever gadget he's talking about) to fix it! So let's keep it". I like open space and very few things; he feels that "open space is space that needs to be filled" (his words), and that 1500 sq ft isn't enough room for the amount of children we want (6). I think it's plenty!

Anyway, I recently went through our basemnt and gt rid of a TON of stuff and am working on reducing even more. I don't want little nick-nacks laying all over the place and I don't want things we don't need. I am going to try to make a goal for our family to not buy anything we don't need for a year, and if we do need something, we will try to find it used first. Any suggestions on how to convince "The Hub"?
post #157 of 230
I feel badly for those of you whose partners aren't on board with the simple/minimalism way of doing things ... how frustrating!

We are a little on the opposite end ... sometimes we get rid of things a little too enthusiastically. ie. lotion that I thought we both didn't like, so I tossed it and then DP went looking for it, and a large umbrella that DP tossed that I liked to use with DD in the back carry with the ergo. We laughed about it, which is good.

We're still waiting to hear about the co-op. If we do get it, I think our goal will be to get rid of 25% of our stuff, which will be a challenge, because we don't have a lot! I love the feeling of purging stuff ... it's almost addictive!
post #158 of 230
Quote:
Originally Posted by ParisApril View Post
to you That Is Nice

You are more patient than me. I abhor clutter. I seriously cannot function in clutter, it drives me crazy. If my DH was like this I would have gone through and thrown out / given away all his stuff when he was at work and when he got home let the sparks fly!
Thank you.

I was patient, a long time ago, when we first dated and got married. I thought I was being nice, and that he'd come around. Nope.

Now I am not as patient. I abhor the clutter, especially when it's useless things and outright garbage/junk. I mean, if it's broken, come on. Get rid of it, or if it's something you don't need, recycle it, or give it to someone who can use it.

Lately I've been thinking how sinful it is, really, to have things in our basement, stockpiled, that we haven't used in 10 years. Most of it is indeed junk but some of it could be useful to someone. In that case, shouldn't it be donated? So someone else can use it that maybe couldn't afford to buy it new?

I donated a bunch of things to a thrift store this week - mostly my clothes - and it makes me feel good. I love to declutter and I love to donate to others who can find use in something I wasn't using.
post #159 of 230
Quote:
Originally Posted by JessicaRenee View Post
He wants anything and everything anyone could ever hope to need. My way of thinking: "If we haven't touched it or thought about it in 6 months, it's going to GoodWill". His thinking: "Well, no, I haven't used it in 2 years but in 10 years we might own a house and XYZ could go wrong and we'd NEED this (whatever gadget he's talking about) to fix it! So let's keep it". I like open space and very few things; he feels that "open space is space that needs to be filled" (his words)
Sounds familar!

Honestly, I think my DH is comforted by clutter. He grew up in a bit of a cluttered home. Not bad, but the decorating style there is to stuff things here and there...on book cases, on dresser tops, in drawers...not too organized, sorted, or clean from what I can tell.

DH was also like that in college...he packed in so much stuff in his dorm room. He doesn't care if it doesn't fit. He'll make it fit.

It's a different aesthetic, I guess. He really looks at function more than anything else, not how something looks or feels. Interior decorating is lost on him. Color is lost on him.

Give him an old comfy couch, a mini-fridge next to it as an end table to store his pop, a tv and he doesn't care about much else. If there is clutter he won't realize it, and it doesn't bother his senses.

Clutter is distracting to me. It bothers me a lot. I have been wanting to simplify for over ten years and I made him take a class 10 years ago with me on simplifying our lives.

I made a bunch of friends, whom I still hang out with, in that class and learned a lot. DH didn't participate in the discussions very much, and he isn't really friends with any of the people. We just have a different reaction to clutter and "stuff." I'm not saying he's right or wrong. It's just different.
post #160 of 230
truthfully, the only thing that will reform a hoarder is counseling.

and, honestly, it is something that can break a relationship apart. my husband grew up rather similar to yours. his mother is a hoarder--or perhaps just an extreme pack rat--and every surface is covered. things are crammed here and there. it's organized, but there is so much, it's just clutter.

and yet, she claims that she lives "clutter free." i have been to her house many times over the past decade. it is not clutter free! LOL

so, when she sees how i like to live (which is how we lived the last three months in our home there, and how we live now), she said "ooh, it's too cold, too sterile." my mother and sister do not like clutter, but they like a more opulent decorating style, and so they see my place similarly.

when DH and i were talking about this place, i wanted to make sure everything had a place that was hidden. to be honest, i don't really even like to see the spines of the books that i have. i prefer to keep them in boxes that are labeled with what is in them (decorative--well atually white--boxes). so, when we came here with what we could carry, i wanted to put everything in baskets on our shelves so that i wouldn't have to look at the mess. i created a system to file receipts and then put them in a basket and so on. really, it was organized.

but, DH didn't like it either. he said "seeing my things makes me feel secure." he doesn't have much, but he likes to "see" it. i thought that was really fascinating. I don't need to "see" it--i know that it is there. btu he needs to see it to feel secure.

also, dh's current complaint is that i'm "too efficient." i clean up quite a bit, but it's a lot of little things over and over.

here was today:

get up at 6:30 am then do yoga and meditate for 20 minutes, jump in the shower and i'm out by 7. make breakfast, and while it is getting served (DH puts it to table), i wash the dishes used to make breakfast and set them to dry. we have breakfast together until about 7:30, and then i finish the dishes and put them away. it's about 7:45 at this point.

i then make arrangements with DH for the day. we are starting a new business and i needed to be there for that. DH felt overwhelmed, so i decided to take over the transition and he agreed. this is normal, btw. so, i needed to be there at 8:30. it's a 10 minute walk.

this meant that DH would be on his own with the baby for about 4-5 hrs, and then i'd come back. we also needed groceries, and i told DH that it would be up to him that morning. he's never done that before--gone shopping with just him and DH. of course, i have done it many times and you just "figure it out." so, he had a bit of a fuss about "having to do it all!" and i rolled my eyes.

i then decided to clean the bathroom because it needed to be done. i went in and did that while DH continued to fuss about his situation in life and how hard it all is. i cleaned the bathroom by 8:10, and then folded the laundry and put it away. at 8:20, i left the house and went to work.

I got back at 1. DH had managed to go to the post office and get the mail and take DS to the park. DS was covered in sand, which was at this point all over the house. DH was washing the sand off of DS. so, good job there.

I swept the floors and then we redressed DS and i nursed him down for a nap. DH and i had a quick lunch, and then DH went out to the grocery store while i wrote up the procedure manual for the receptionists at the business, began the contact list, and set up the tax and business accounts at our bank (via the phone).

DH comes back home in a funk about how he has to do everything at all times, and i unload the groceries. DS wakes up and wants to play, so we play with his blocks for a bit, and i sent DH to the office to see the closing processes. he complains about it.

DS then sets to playing on his own, so i borrow a vacuum cleaner to clear up the sand. DS rides the vacuum cleaner while i sweep up. I take the vacuum back to my neighbor (actually, i yell out the window to her and she came to get it), and then start making dinner.

DH comes home and feels better--less overwhelmed--about the business. he checks his email and facebook, and then dinner is ready. he takes dinner to the table while i clean the prep dishes and set them to dry. we have dinner together. i wash the dishes, dry them, and put them away, then wipe down the countertops, sink, stove top, and sweep the kitchen floor.

DS signals for poop and DH takes care of that while i am sweeping up the floor. once DS is finished, i put him in his PJs while DH calls his friend about our weekend plans (Saturday). While DH plays with DS, I write an email to all of the people at the new business about our process over the next few months.

Ah, and right now the laundry is finished (second load today) and so I'll fold that and put it away while DH reads to DS before bedtime. DS will go to sleep in the next 15 minutes or so. i'll put the clothes away.

on the one hand, DH loves that i take care of all of this. on the other, it's so efficient that he doesn't feel that he "fits in." that is, if he wants a piece of cheese, he has to use the knife and cutting board that i just cleaned, dried, and put away. or, he has to shower where i just washed.

that bothers him, becuse he was taught that you don't mess after it's been cleaned up. but in my world, you mess so long as you clean it up after. and besides, bathrooms are always immediately dirty so that doesn't matter one bit. you just do your best.

so, we have different languages about it. right now, i'm running the household and the business because DH is feeling very overwhelmed by everyhing--the move, the new business, his own personal fears, having to SAHD half the day, all sorts of things are very overwhelming to him.

someone has to do it, so i step up and do it.

it does let him off the hook, but to be honest, the work doesn't bother me. i feel comfortable with it, and i love knowing that my house is clean and organized and ready for the next day. i love knowing that tomorrow is going to be as smooth sailing as today because of the organization and rhythms that we are creating.

but DH still feels groundless and a bit displaced and out-of-place, and he blows things out of porportion, but he'll get grounded soon enough.

he just goes in waves.
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