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DSS is moving in a month after he graduates

post #1 of 29
Thread Starter 
I've just been told DSS is moving in a month after he graduates. For years, DSS's mom has been difficult, tried to control our holidays, wouldn't agree to more visitation, etc, etc but now that the cs will be ending she is sending him to us. I kind of knew this would happen, and I don't have a problem with DSS moving in, it's just so irritating when a mother doesn't want her child when the money stops coming in.

She did the same thing with DSS's sister (not DH's child), she didn't have anywhere to go so she moved in with us. We took care of that girl for three years, bought her a car and helped pay for her college. When we had a baby and had to cut back on paying for her expenses she moved back in with her mom. The entire time she lived with us, everything revolved around her mom. She couldn't help us with xyz because she had to go to her mom's and help with xyz. Every holiday celebration revolved around her mom's. I am getting stressed thinking about history repeating itself. I hate to say this, but I think his mom is keeping him around an extra month so she can claim him as a tax deduction. Tax deductions are very important to her. Even though her daughter was living with us and she was providing no support, she told DH some kind of BS and she claimed her on her taxes for the three years we supported her.

So does anyone have any advice? Has anyone else had their DSC move in when the child support ended? The three years his sister lived with us was the worst of my life. In the beginning, she was great, but as time went on she became sassy and disrespectful. She had a terrible attitude and brought so much negative energy into my home and my life. DSS is a great kid but I still have a fear of history repeating itself. DH works away from home a lot, sometimes he is away for more than 6 months at a time so I will be doing this by myself the majority of the time and I am scared.
post #2 of 29
Maybe this is a dumb question, but if he's graduated and CS has stopped, then he should be 18, right? So why can't he get a job and live on his own? Does he have health issues that prevent this?
post #3 of 29
Or, if he is eighteen, he could just move in with you as soon as he graduates. Then you'll get the tax deduction.
post #4 of 29
Bio-kids, stepkids - to me, when you graduate, you move out and are independent. I will help financially, but much as I love you it is my job to make sure your bed is not in my house. Adult = big world. College, job, whichever path you choose but go ahead and choose it.

Unless there is a delay of some sort as another poster mentioned, I wouldn't have an adult move in. It isn't helping them become an adult IMO.
post #5 of 29
Thread Starter 
He will be 18 and is perfectly healthy. I agree that 18 = an adult and he should be taking care of himself. DH didn't discuss this with me at all but that is another thread. I also mentioned to DH that he should be moving in as soon as he graduates, not a month later because his mom is doing that to get the tax deduction but his response is that he can't make him . Basically it boils down to DSS's mom doesn't want him anymore because he isn't bringing in any money , but he doesn't want to take care of himself either. I can't tell you how long he has been saying he can't go to college because there isn't any money and my response has always been that's what student loans are for. He just doesn't want to be responsible. I think he has been making DH feel guilty because we helped his sister, but looking back I can see what a BIG mistake it was to do so much for her. I think DH is also bribing him to come live with us maybe he feels like he has missed out on something because DSS has lived with his mom for the past 15 years. I have 2 small children that I care for by myself most of the time because of my husbands work and I don't want to have to worry about taking care of another person.

I totally agree with Kirsten. It isn't helping him become an adult but how to I get DH to see it that way?
post #6 of 29
"DH didn't discuss this with me at all but that is another thread."


That's a marriage-wrecker, is what that is.

You need to stand up for yourself and your younger children and refuse to do this. It's pretty clear from your post that you already know this. But your dh cannot move another adult into your home without your consent.

Having drawn that line, I totally think that your home should be open for college breaks, summers, etc. This isn't really your dss' fault. If he had been raised to a different standard, he wouldn't be thinking about moving in with Dad -he'd be thinking about college and/or his own apartment and job. Since he wasn't raised to that standard, he's going to need a little push...
post #7 of 29
well, I think it is fine to live with a parent after graduation IF he either has a full-time job and/or is attending school. If he just plans on "hanging out" while living with dad, that would definitey be a no-go. I think you and your dh need to set very very clear boundaries about what you expect re: either him attending college (using student loans,, NOT on your dime) or him contributing to the household if he is working (maybe paying rent? chipping in for groceries? or even just saving for his own place) so that you don't feel like he is taking advantage of you.

Since your dh didn't ask you about this before he agreed (which yes, I would be furious about) he needs to work with you now to make this work, especially since you are the primary parent at home.
post #8 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenemami View Post
well, I think it is fine to live with a parent after graduation IF he either has a full-time job and/or is attending school. If he just plans on "hanging out" while living with dad, that would definitey be a no-go. I think you and your dh need to set very very clear boundaries about what you expect re: either him attending college (using student loans,, NOT on your dime) or him contributing to the household if he is working (maybe paying rent? chipping in for groceries? or even just saving for his own place) so that you don't feel like he is taking advantage of you.

Since your dh didn't ask you about this before he agreed (which yes, I would be furious about) he needs to work with you now to make this work, especially since you are the primary parent at home.
:
post #9 of 29
I could be a minority here, but I just wanted to chime in with the fact that I am very much okay with 18 y.o. living with their parents. In fact, despite the fact that I know dsd can't wait to start life on her own, I will make sure she knows she will ALWAYS have a place to return to, rebuild, refresh in life, and that place is our home. If she chooses to live here until she finishes college - I won't even blink twice (tax return or not).I can't fathom saying to my kid "you have to move out, you are done living here".

At the same time, it doesn't mean I'm okay with an 18 y.o. staying at home doing nothing, btw. I'm all for full-time jobs and paying for your own expenses, and pulling your own weight, and going to school, etc. etc. etc. Naturally, if some or any of it wasn't happening, we'd have to look for a solution. But living with a parent? How is it that everyone is supposed to become an adult at the same age? Why is it so universal? What if someone is not ready? What if someone has good enough relationship with their parents to stay with them an extra year or two? What if someone is smart enough to save every penny as they work full time and go to college on scholarship, so that they have thousands saved up by the time they are in their early twenties?

To me it's kind of like co-sleeping - provided everything is normal and healthy, a person will WANT to move out to start their own life soon enough, it just might not happen at 18, but that doesn't mean that they will depend on their parents for the rest of their life, or that there is something is wrong with them or their parents for staying in the house through college years, kwim?
post #10 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post
Having drawn that line, I totally think that your home should be open for college breaks, summers, etc. This isn't really your dss' fault. If he had been raised to a different standard, he wouldn't be thinking about moving in with Dad -he'd be thinking about college and/or his own apartment and job. Since he wasn't raised to that standard, he's going to need a little push...
I just assumed he would be going to college or working.

I agree with the above quote - he is going to need a little push. But that push should come with a firm timeline, "you have X amount of time with which to either get a job and start contributing to the family, or enroll in school."

My brother lived with my dad and stepmom until he was 25, but he worked 50 hours/week, did chores, and paid rent. He saved well and was able to purchase a house a couple of years ago - he just needed a few years to really mature and figure out what he wanted from life. So living with your parents can be helpful WRT becoming a responsible adult, but it also can enable irresponsible behavior. How you and your DH handle this will play a big part in what happens.
post #11 of 29
I remember what it is like to be 18 and I was a responsible 18 yr old but I also remember my friends who weren't at all equipped to handle life on their own. If his mother didn't teach him the skills to handle life as an adult, I think that you have to plan to do this if you let him live with you. If he needs to live with someone, he still needs a parent. I would consider things like rent, a requirement that he go to school, taking a full adult load of chores, things like that. If your DH is reasonable, he will see that teaching dss to act like an adult is the ONLY option if he is living with you.
post #12 of 29
"I just assumed he would be going to college or working."

I didn't get that impression from the OP.

I don't think that there's anything intrinsically wrong with an 18-year-old living at home - but an 18-year-old stepkid moving in with me full-time for the first time, when I have two younger kids to parent and his father is gone for months at a time? No thanks. That is an unfair expectation IMNSHO, and I would refuse to do it.
post #13 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post
but an 18-year-old stepkid moving in with me full-time for the first time, when I have two younger kids to parent and his father is gone for months at a time? No thanks. That is an unfair expectation IMNSHO, and I would refuse to do it.
Why is a child of a man you love moving in with you is unfair? Can you imagine giving up living with your kids, and then not being able to do it EVEN after the kid turned 18 and wanted to find out what it's like to live with your own dad who loves you, but didn't have the custody? What if YOUR spouse told you your children were not welcome to stay with you? I'm just trying to come from a different perspective here, kwim?

I am 100% certain that if dsd wasn't allowed to move in with us at 14, she'd move in at 18, even if just to find out what it's like to be under the same roof day in and day out with her dad. I bet it's not unusual for the kids with non-custodial parents to wonder "what would it be like?.."

Quote:
Originally Posted by K-Mom3 View Post
I remember what it is like to be 18 and I was a responsible 18 yr old but I also remember my friends who weren't at all equipped to handle life on their own. If his mother didn't teach him the skills to handle life as an adult, I think that you have to plan to do this if you let him live with you. If he needs to live with someone, he still needs a parent. I would consider things like rent, a requirement that he go to school, taking a full adult load of chores, things like that. If your DH is reasonable, he will see that teaching dss to act like an adult is the ONLY option if he is living with you.
I see the situation the same way. And as difficult as it is, I do believe that the right thing to do is to open up the door to this kid.
post #14 of 29
I see where you're coming from, Oriole - but I still wouldn't do it. Not under the circumstances described, which would require me to be put in extensive periods as the sole parent for the 18 y.o., rather than simply being affectionate and supportive while my dh did the daily parenting.

Also, the day my dh invites anybody to move into my house without first obtaining my consent is the day I get arrested for assault with intent to maim. But I think we can all empathize with the OP on that score.
post #15 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post
I see where you're coming from, Oriole - but I still wouldn't do it. Not under the circumstances described, which would require me to be put in extensive periods as the sole parent for the 18 y.o., rather than simply being affectionate and supportive while my dh did the daily parenting.

Also, the day my dh invites anybody to move into my house without first obtaining my consent is the day I get arrested for assault with intent to maim. But I think we can all empathize with the OP on that score.
you are funny
post #16 of 29
oh, but when it comes to children - I don't think permission is needed, btw. Understanding? yes. Permission? not really.

Anyone else in the world - parent, sibling, friend, friend of a friend - definitely, you should ask permission, but a child? it's just understood - the door is always open to the child in a house of a parent, kwim?
post #17 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post
I totally think that your home should be open for college breaks, summers, etc. This isn't really your dss' fault. If he had been raised to a different standard, he wouldn't be thinking about moving in with Dad -he'd be thinking about college and/or his own apartment and job. Since he wasn't raised to that standard, he's going to need a little push...
Totally agree about college breaks. And I agree that it isn't his fault if he wasn't raised to become independent - but he can get there with some help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
I can't fathom saying to my kid "you have to move out, you are done living here".

How is it that everyone is supposed to become an adult at the same age? Why is it so universal? What if someone is not ready? What if someone has good enough relationship with their parents to stay with them an extra year or two? What if someone is smart enough to save every penny as they work full time and go to college on scholarship, so that they have thousands saved up by the time they are in their early twenties?
I wouldn't say the quoted words - 'cause my kids (even my 1st grader) know that they'll move off to college when they graduate. They've heard stories about how adults in their lives did that, and they've seen their high school babysitters graduate and do that. Just as they don't question that high school is after middle school, they don't question that college is after high school. Moving out is both part of the growing up process and pretty darn fun - even if you do have a good relationship with your parents!

In my opinion, it is - in the US at least - pretty universal that 18 or high school graduation is that line. You can vote. You can make your own legal decisions. Barring any developmental delays, I think a loving push towards independence is a gift not a punishment.

And I don't think you can put a price on maturing into an independent and functional adult. The money saved by living at home isn't worth it unless it is the absolute only option financially.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
Anyone else in the world - parent, sibling, friend, friend of a friend - definitely, you should ask permission, but a child? it's just understood - the door is always open to the child in a house of a parent, kwim?
CHILD - yes. Adult child is different. The door is always open for a weekend VISIT. The door is always open in case of emergency (dp abused you, house flooded, etc) for somewhere to live until your situation is fixed. But just to live - as an adult? Not here.
post #18 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kirsten View Post

CHILD - yes. Adult child is different. The door is always open for a weekend VISIT. The door is always open in case of emergency (dp abused you, house flooded, etc) for somewhere to live until your situation is fixed. But just to live - as an adult? Not here.
This.

If it's for a reason and it's temporary with a clear end in sight, it's fine. (And being a minor child fits both of these criteria. )

Also, I can imagine a kid wanting to see what it's like to live with Dad. I get that. But if he's gone for months at a time, then that can't be the reason. Sounds like the OP's DH needs to have a long talk with his son about expectations and growing up.
post #19 of 29
Thread Starter 
Thank you so much for all of your responses. I finally feel like someone understands me.

DSS is going to college, I guess. A few months ago he wanted to be a marine biologist or a history professor. Recently he wanted to go into the Navy so they could pay for his education and he could become a doctor. Now he wants to be a nurse. I'm not sure he really knows what he wants to do. He hasn't even started applying to colleges and he hasn't started applying for student loans.

I don't have a problem with children that I have raised living at home while going to college, but I just don't think I am up to the sole parenting job of an 18 yo with my DH being gone so much.

I am still furious that DH didn't even discuss this with me and I think he is setting up a disasterous outcome for this situation because he is showing his son that my opinion doesn't matter. DSS told me that he asked his dad for a car for Christmas. I told DSS and DH that a car was not in our budget. What does DH do, the day after Christmas, he takes DSS to a car auction and buys him a car. He didn't even tell me where they were going until about 3 minutes before they left. DH always makes sure DSS has what he wants even when we can't afford it. He said it was his extra money and he can do what he wants with it. He never spends his extra money on our girls. He doesn't even pay for all of their expenses - my family helps out with the girls because after paying the household living expenses and CS there really isn't anything left. I'm sorry I'm venting so much, but this is a hard place to be.

Smithie - you described exactly how I am feeling. I wish I had your courage and could just refuse to do it.
post #20 of 29
Thread Starter 
I should also mention that DH parents live with us. Which again is another thread, but I did have input on that although DH did give DD's room to them without discussing it with me . We cosleep so it isn't really a big deal although DH is ready for the girls to move to another room but I am not going to have a 2 yo and 4yo sleeping all by themselves upstairs while I am sleeping downstairs.

Anyway, I'm not sure if them living with us changes the perspective of parenting an 18 yo by myself when DH is gone but even with them here I am just not up to it. My MIL has told me many times that she had her kids 24/7 and she never left them with anyone because she didn't want to be a burden so I don't ask for their help unless I REALLY need it.
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