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DSS is moving in a month after he graduates - Page 2

post #21 of 29
I saw this on new posts so I'm forum crashing. Mama, it sounds like you and your DH have a serious communication issue. He's not discussing anything with you! The moving in thing, car buying, giving up your DD's room, these are big issues.

Having his parents and adult DS move in while he is not there for many months during the year is also a potential recipe for disaster. It clearly shows that he is not respectful of your desires and wishes for your household.

I'm sorry, this must be hard to deal with. I'd perhaps think about tackling this major problem in your marriage first. Good luck.
post #22 of 29
Originally Posted by JL'smom View Post
I should also mention that DH parents live with us. Which again is another thread, but I did have input on that although DH did give DD's room to them without discussing it with me . We cosleep so it isn't really a big deal although DH is ready for the girls to move to another room but I am not going to have a 2 yo and 4yo sleeping all by themselves upstairs while I am sleeping downstairs.

Anyway, I'm not sure if them living with us changes the perspective of parenting an 18 yo by myself when DH is gone but even with them here I am just not up to it. My MIL has told me many times that she had her kids 24/7 and she never left them with anyone because she didn't want to be a burden so I don't ask for their help unless I REALLY need it.
Please sit down with DH and possibly the grandparents and come up with a game plan for teaching dss the life skills he is lacking. I bet the grandparents would help! and if Dh can see this as a goal maybe he will realize that giving dss everything he wants is being a BAD parent, not a good parent.

I can totally see my FIL sitting down with an 18 yr old and giving a lesson on finances and budgeting. This can also include how to pay for school etc. If dss hasn't applied for school, he also needs a lesson on goal setting and one on applying for college! Maybe your in-laws don't like chasing after kids but would still be willing to do something like this, more on adult terms.

And I would INSIST that dss have a payment plan for paying dh back for the car. Seriously, as soon as he moves in. If he has no income, give him a month to get one? In the meantime, give him an allowance for 1 month and make sure it includes gas for his car, all of his entertainment, etc. I would be seriously angry at dh for shelling out money for an 18 yr old child like this.

If dh is making poor choice purchases while he can't support your family---I think he needs a class, too! Could you find a class in the community to take together? At a community college or something?
post #23 of 29
It is interesting to me on our disagreement over different issues. See, I wouldn't let an adult child live at home, but his dad buying him a car at 18 (used it sounds like) is fine with me. Of course family finances restrict what happens there - but it sounds like her dp found the money somewhere in the budget.

My kids know not to expect a car at 16 or 18 or any age for that matter - but if their dad and I are in a position to help them get one, we would.
post #24 of 29
Cripes, OP. This just makes me want to cry.

Can you move back with YOUR parents? 'Cause it sounds like there's not a whole lot of room for you and your daughters in the house you currently live in. Seriously, you might want to think about leaving. It's possible (though not guaranteed) that when he watches you walk out the door, your dh might realize that he can't keeping putting you last and expect to stay married.

Getting regular financial help from the grandparents of his younger kids, and thinking he can afford a CAR for the older kid? Is your dh the Chief Executive of Fantasyland?

Talking big on the Internet is easy. (And I should know, it's my unpaid vocation!) Standing up for yourself IRL is really, really hard. But I know that your want your DDs to have the best, and that something needs to change in order for that to happen. That could be changes in your marriage, or it could be moving on from this marriage and becoming the person who CASHES the cs checks, rather than the person who sends them.
post #25 of 29
Thread Starter 
Thanks again for your replies. I think my FIL would do a great job giving DSS lessons on budgeting and finances.

I don't want to make is sound like DH isn't supporting his family, he is a hard worker and works lots of overtime but it only goes so far and that's why there isn't anything left for my DD's after the household bills and CS are paid. Because of that, I don't think he had any business spending money a car for DS. This is DS's third car. His maternal grandfather gave him the first one and he totalled it. Although he hasn't admitted it, I think he was texting while driving. DSS's mom took the insurance money and bought him an old BMW that was a piece of junk. The drivers door couldn't even be opened from the outside. That should have been a big sign not to buy the car but she is very superficial and how DSS would look driving around in a BMW is more important to her than dependability. The motor went bad in that car.

DH hasn't paid one cent of DD's preschool tuition so if he has any extra money, I think he should be contributing to things like that, not buying a car for his son. This was not money from our budget, this was extra money that my DH had. Not sure where he got it all from, I know some of it was money he got for Christmas. I also want to mention that I borrowed 800 to pay rx copays for medication that DH needed (large copay was because DH was getting ready to go out of town for work again for an extended period of time) out of money that is for DD's that came from the proceeds of the sale of my deceased brothers house. We just didn't have it in our budget. If I had known he had money to buy DSS a car, I would have never borrowed that money. I have no idea what makes him think that is ok. When I brought up the fact that he hasn't paid anything toward DD's preschool his comment was that I am the one that wanted her to go to Montessori school. Although when he met me, I was a Montessori teacher in a public school. He knew my feelings about traditional education, and that any children I would have would attend Montessori school.

He is in denial about this entire situation. He says he does take care of DD's by putting a roof over their heads and feeding them etc. While yes that's true, he does the same thing for his son (his son actually has a bedroom in our house while DD's room would be the extra room over the garage) and also sends a nice CS check to contribute to DSS's care each month. He had the nerve to tell me DSS doesn't go to gymnastics. Most of the time, our budget doesn't pay for DD's gymnastics, and it isn't my fault that DSS's mom doesn't spend the CS on DSS. There is enough there for him to take gymnastics if he wanted to. So in my mind, he does much more for his son than our DD's. When the CS ends in June, I want that money to start helping with DD's expenses but he wants to use it to continue taking care of DSS - paying for college, car insurance, cell phone etc. I just can't agree with that when my family is contributing to DD's expenses. I don't know if what I am saying about this makes sense, but DH says I am screwed up in the head and neep help.

I do think we both need counseling because of these issues but he won't go until I "fix" myself first. In the beginning DH and I had a wonderful relationship, one that I had always dreamed about - I would like to try to get back to that place so leaving isn't something I want to consider right now but I can see why it would be suggested!
post #26 of 29
"When the CS ends in June, I want that money to start helping with DD's expenses but he wants to use it to continue taking care of DSS - paying for college, car insurance, cell phone etc. I just can't agree with that when my family is contributing to DD's expenses."

That's most certainly what I would want, too! You are not screwed up in the head, but you certainly do need help - help to prevent your dh from doing any further raiding of your dd's inheritance, for instance . Help to make him understand that you and he, and no one else, are responsible for ALL of the expenses for the children that you decided to have together. Counseling would be awesome if you can get your dh to go. Sometimes a neutral third party can really do wonders for drilling through the denial on both sides. Sounds like financial counseling might also be great - he has money you don't know exactly how he got, your family has a monthly income that doesn't match monthly expenses, etc. All really common problems, but they can do so much damage to a relationship as you well know.

I'm sure he's not a bad guy. The world is full of not-bad people who have massive blind spots in one area or another. But just because you love him and sympathize with him, doesn't mean you accept and consent to doing it all his way, YKWIM? There's got to be a compromise position between continuing to divert money from your household at the same rate he did when his son was a minor and he paid cs, and not helping out the kid at all.
post #27 of 29
why do his parents live with you? I wish I could give you some great advice re: your DH, but really, I don't think that anything you say could get thru to him. I really think you need to get him into family therapy. He needs to see how his actions and decisions are affecting his WHOLE family.
post #28 of 29
So DON'T parent him. Treat him as an adult, and expect him to act as one. Do NOT do his laundry, tell him he needs to clean up after himself and contribute to the household.
post #29 of 29
Wow, what a mess. Are you a SAHP or do you work? I think you two need counseling on the issues you present, especially the little money for DDs issue.

Is your DH really gone for months at a time? Because if so, I am not optimistic that he will outgrow what seems to be his disney dad mentality. I don't see how things could get better for you.

But, you are in a way enabling him by getting money from other sources- your parents, your inheritance- to take care of your daughters. I know you do this because you care about your daughters, and I'm not suggesting that you take it away, but I wonder what would happen if you started letting him be the one that suffers. Oh, you need $800 for prescriptions? Sorry, we don't have it. Figure it out. Because your daughters (and probably you) are the ones that are paying now, and that's part of why your DH isn't changing. Yes, I'm sure he works hard, but not everyone that works hard "gets" to have whatever material possessions they want.

I get the sense that you feel little power in this relationship. I think that is the main problem.
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