I'm thinking about calling DCFS

[SamiPolizzi]

(not sure if this is the right place to post this.)

Let me first say that I'm not normally the kind of person who butts into other peoples' lives. Maybe this is none of my business, but I just feel like there's no way I can know about this and not do something.

So I have this friend. We'll call her B. A friend of hers (who we'll call S) has a baby who's about 2 weeks younger than Vincent. So B decided that S and I should meet because we have a lot in common (being the same age and having babies the same age and all.) So one day she brought her over to my house. She seemed like sort of an okay person when I first met her. I had a feeling we probably weren't going to be friends. But it was after that that B started telling me all these horrible things about S and her boyfriend and the way they treat this baby. It's common practice for them to put the baby in the car seat and roll up a blanket to prop a bottle on when he's hungry. The boyfriend will liet him sit in a poopy diaper for several hours until the mom gets home. They smoke pot around the baby all the time. Even in the car. The boyfriend has driven drunk with the baby in the car. The baby has been left at home for almost an hour. They have parties where they get so drunk they can't take care of him. She started leaving her baby with B and going away for days at a time to drink with her friends when he was only a few weeks old. I even ended up babysitting him once when he was with B and she had to work. And I'm sure his mother had no idea where he was or who he was with.

I really don't like to get involved in other peoples' business. I especially don't like to get government agencies involved. But it's not fair for this poor helpless baby to be treated this way. Someone has to stand up for him.

[OperaDiva]

Please call! The drug use, drunk driving, and partying/ leaving for days at a time would EACH be a good enough reason to call, with all 3 it is you obligation to call, that baby needs a home to feel safe in ASAP.

[Drummer's Wife]

Sounds like there are lots of issues, but the leaving baby at home alone for an hour shocked me the most. Your friend B who is telling you all this, she hasn't called anyone about S yet?

[elmh23]

It'll be better if B calls since she has witnessed this and from you it's all hearsay. Please try and get her to call and if she doesn't, then I'd call.

[betsyj]

Yes please call. Leaving a baby alone, drunk driving, drug use around the baby? Oh my goodness.

[Martha27]

That is a tough situation and I know that I also hate getting involved in other peoples lives, BUT I do think something needs to be done. First of all the little baby isnt being taken care of properly and if things continue in this way he is going to grow up to most likley be this kind of parent as well and continue the cycle. That is if he even has a chance to grow up!
Maybe getting a visit from a DCFS agent would give these parents a little wake up call and make them turn things around a bit or if not at least this little baby would have someone watching out for him.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do

[claddaghmom]

Wait, let me get this straight...

so your friend saw/heard about this and is telling you? you didn't hear/see any of this from the actual people? How come your friend is telling you? Is she scared to do anything? Looking for motivation? Or is she gossiping (aka possibly stretching things a bit)?

[mistymama]

I personally wouldn't call unless I knew/saw this first hand. If your friend is concerned, she should call and report what she's just told you.

Of course if they are really doing all of those things, for sure child services needs to get involved. But I wouldn't call based on heresay.

[SamiPolizzi]

About half of this stuff B told me herself, and the other half her boyfriend told me. I suggested he call DCFS and he said he wanted to but B would kick him out of the house if he did. So she's obviously trying to protect her friend, but I think she's in denial about how bad this is. She keeps saying things like "He's healthy and everything." And "If it was really that bad the grandparents would do something." I have to wonder how much of this stuff the baby's grandparents actually know about.

Anyway, I'm going to have lunch with B and try to convince her to make the call herself and let her know that if she doesn't, I will. But like a few of you have pointed out, I haven't seen any of this first hand.

[Theoretica]

I'm sorry but unless I'm reading this wrong it's all hearsay and gossip. I wouldn't call in this situation. I would also point out to the mutual 'friend' that no one likes being talked about behind their back. If she's a real friend she could offer to help I guess but bashing them to someone else? Not cool.

[Kirsten]

It's common practice for them to put the baby in the car seat and roll up a blanket to prop a bottle on when he's hungry. I wouldn't even mention this as it weakens your whole argument. No law against this, and not doing things the "best" way isn't grounds for CPS to be called.

The boyfriend will liet him sit in a poopy diaper for several hours until the mom gets home. Terrible but hopefully an exaggeration? Worth mentioning but I wouldn't lead with it.

They smoke pot around the baby all the time. Even in the car. This one is a top offense as it actually breaks a law.

The boyfriend has driven drunk with the baby in the car. Another top offense.

The baby has been left at home for almost an hour. Completely alone??? We are talking about an infant??? I'd start with this one; that is outrageous!

They have parties where they get so drunk they can't take care of him. Clearly not good, but I'd list in the secondary offenses. They could say he was asleep upstairs while they had a couple glasses of wine. Easier for them to explain this one away.

She started leaving her baby with B and going away for days at a time to drink with her friends when he was only a few weeks old. Not even worth mentioning IMO. Clearly not winning mother of the year, but leaving your child with a trusted adult is not illegal.

Odd position to be in - since you haven't seen ANY of this. Not sure if CPS will even take a report based on hearsay - anyone know? And it sounds like your friend won't be calling, so I'd focus on the friend's boyfriend who actually HAS seen some of this.

[gingsengmom]

wow....
I had a friend who was in a similar situation with her neighbor. The neighbor had 2 children[ages 2 & 6] who she often left alone for hours at a time. There were people coming and going way into the early morning. Think it was a crack house. My friend finally had enough and phoned DCFS.

It took 2 weeks to get a call back and when she did, she was told there were previous complaints directed at this neighbor and they were investigating it.
Result: the 2-year old was taken from the mother after being badly burned by cigarettes. The hopsital called DCFS. This was 3 months after my friend spoke with a case worker from DCFS. The 6-yr. old is still with the mother.

My point: Depending upon where you live, the system doesn't always work. Case workers are overworked, under-paid and operating within a system that is flawed at best. Still, we have to try when and where we can.

[bebebradford]

Originally Posted by Theoretica

I'm sorry but unless I'm reading this wrong it's all hearsay and gossip. I wouldn't call in this situation. I would also point out to the mutual 'friend' that no one likes being talked about behind their back. If she's a real friend she could offer to help I guess but bashing them to someone else? Not cool.

Maybe so.. but MAYBE NOT.. you know? When it comes to an innocent child's life I'd rather be SAFE than sorry. If something happens to that child just because people wanted to keep their nose in their own business it's going to be a real tragedy! WE ARE THE VOICE OF ALL CHILDREN! SPEAK UP FOR THEM WHEN THEY CANNOT SPEAK UP FOR THEMSELVES! If you step on some toes.. it'll be alright. Much better than sitting by and seeing a child be abused, or even die.

[Theoretica]

Originally Posted by bebebradford

Maybe so.. but MAYBE NOT.. you know? When it comes to an innocent child's life I'd rather be SAFE than sorry. If something happens to that child just because people wanted to keep their nose in their own business it's going to be a real tragedy! WE ARE THE VOICE OF ALL CHILDREN! SPEAK UP FOR THEM WHEN THEY CANNOT SPEAK UP FOR THEMSELVES! If you step on some toes.. it'll be alright. Much better than sitting by and seeing a child be abused, or even die.

There's been plenty of posts by MDC mamas where I've said yes, call, please, now.

Not this situation.

If you're worried about being 'safe than sorry', why not have CPS investigate every single family out there? That's ridiculous, isn't it? Calling CPS unnecessarily takes the focus off of ACTUAL abuse cases. Not cases where someone is MAYBE being an iffy parent, but cases where kids are REALLY BEING ABUSED.


No, it's not ok to 'step on someone's toes' by turning them into authorities on the basis of hearsay and gossip. It's just NOT ok. Maybe they ARE cruddy parents. Maybe they ARE lazy. Maybe they ARE making choices we/others don't necessarily agree or 'approve' of. There's a lot of room on the parenting spectrum without venturing into abuse territory. Regardless, there's no way to form an opinion as to the validity of any of these claims unless you are around them personally enough to weigh the risks and benefits of involving the state in their family.

Keep in mind the OP isn't 'sitting by and seeing a child be abused or even die"....she hasn't PERSONALLY witnessed ANY of it. Which means it's gossip. And malicious gossip at that.

[MeepyCat]

If you had seen any of this yourself, I would absolutely tell you to call.

You haven't. What you have is gossip. Tell your friend and her boyfriend that if all this is true, they have to call - they're the ones who have the information first hand.

If the situation changes - if you see the parents neglecting or mistreating the child yourself - then you should absolutely call, but you can't make the call based on gossip.

[DevaMajka]

Moved to Parenting

[sapphire_chan]

Tell B that if it's really happening she needs to call DCFS ASAP and you've got the number for her right here and a phone, and if it's not really happening, she needs to stop spreading mean gossip about a supposed friend.

And if she does anything but make the call, I'd drop B as a friend because someone who could either see that kind of abuse and not call or could lie about that kind of abuse, isn't worth having as a friend.

eta: actually, might drop her anyway. She seems weird. "Hey, you should really meet S, she's great and her baby's your ds's age!!! ... Oh you liked S? Well you should know she's a crappy parent who neglects her kid and props up his bottle." What's up with that?

[starling&diesel]

Originally Posted by Theoretica

If you're worried about being 'safe than sorry', why not have CPS investigate every single family out there? That's ridiculous, isn't it? Calling CPS unnecessarily takes the focus off of ACTUAL abuse cases. Not cases where someone is MAYBE being an iffy parent, but cases where kids are REALLY BEING ABUSED.


No, it's not ok to 'step on someone's toes' by turning them into authorities on the basis of hearsay and gossip. It's just NOT ok.

Several of the allegations against these parents, hearsay or otherwise, are serious enough to warrant the phone call. Ideally, CPS workers are accustomed to flushing out fact from rumour. They are not all horned devils lurking on the periphery waiting to snatch your children from your bossom. They don't want to burden the system any more than we do.

And it absolutely is ok to 'step on someone's toes' on the basis of hearsay and gossip. Why? Because we are talking about the welfare of an infant who cannot advocate for himself. We're not talking office politics. We are talking about the well-being of a helpless baby.

I am a mandated reporter and wouldn't even think twice about letting the authorities know about the rumoured allegations. And I would tell them that ... that they are rumours and hearsay. Let CPS sort it out. As flawed as the system is, we still need to let CPS do their job. There are countless dead and injured babies and children out there who are victims of violence and neglect at the hands of their parents ... they are why we still need a CPS system.

[philomom]

Call. Just call. Say that you suspect the baby is being neglected and you worry about its health and development.

[bebebradford]

Well I guess if it ISN'T GOSSIP and this child gets injured the op will feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not calling. Kids come FIRST. If it IS gossip.. then that sucks.. but like I said... our children are a TREASURE and should be taken care of at all costs.. if there's ONE CHANCE THAT THE "GOSSIP" is TRUE.. SOMEONE NEEDS TO CALL FOR THAT INNOCENT HELPLESS CHILD.I wouldn't take chances with children's lives.. This is serious stuff... SERIOUS.

CALL NOW OP!!