ILs hurt dd self-esteem - what can I do?

[isaoma]

We have a strained relationship with dh's parents for many reasons. They live several states away so we don't see them often, but they drop by for a long weekend twice a year on their annual drive to their "winter" house in AZ and then back to their home state.

DD turned 3 last fall. This past weekend, my ILs dropped by to spend time with their granddaughter, but their interactions really, really stressed us out, including dd. For some reason, the ILs seemed bothered that dd hair was messy on Saturday. We had a busy week and dd didn't want to get dressed and brush her hair that morning, which was fine with dh and me. MIL mentioned in the morning that dd should brush her hair and dd said no. I asked her once more and she still refused, so I just stopped asking. MIL asked several more times (dh and I both told MIL to stop making comments, but she is relentless), and for the rest of the day she would make passive aggressive comments like "oh I guess you are having a bad hair day". FIL who likes to tease even though dh had to consistently ask him to stop, made comments like "how can you see with all that messy hair?" ILs left Monday morning, and I thought all was back to normal.

The problem was that yesterday dd told us at dinner that she didn't like her hair and she wants it short like her dad's or another male friend of ours (who has a shaved head).

I'm livid to say the least. But, my biggest concern is to help my daughter feel better about herself and her hair. We are very much trying to raise her in Kohn's style of parenting (without over praising). But, my knee-jerk reaction to her statements is to over-praise her.

What should I do? I'm just not sure how to help her. Sorry if this post is a little scattered, I need to go to an appt soon. I'll be back to edit this later, but wanted to get it out there ASAP.

[Alyantavid]

Until recently, my 3 year old had very long hair. He heard comments all the time. Every day he'd come home and say the daycare lady said ponies (ponytails) were for girls so he didn't want one.

My solution is to model for my boys that there aren't boy things and girl things, there are just things. That we don't judge people by appearances. That comments like that come from people who aren't open minded enough to get that it's ok to have whatever hair.

It must work somewhat. My 7 year old corrected his teacher when she told them pink was a girl color and my now short haired 3 year old has his toenails painted pretty pink.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Honestly, I suspect it will all blow over very soon. Reassure your DD that her hair is fine. Maybe explain that short hair is a big decision and ask her to wait a week before deciding that's what she wants. But also be open to the fact that maybe she really does want shorter hair.

For future visits with the inlaws, I think the only thing you can do is stay on top of their comments and ask them to stop, which you did. When they don't, you probably have to redirect them or your child. "Hey, FIL, did you want to watch the football game?" or "DD and I are going to the park, who would like to come?"

Really operating on their level probably means talking after them: FIL: Your hair is messy" YOU "Actually, DD, I think your hair is fine and FIL is being silly." I wouldn't recommend that unless its the last resort, but sometimes it comes to that sort of thing.

[sapphire_chan]

Man, I'm proud of you. I would've already done some photoediting and emailed MIL and FIL a picture of dd bald with "SEE??? I Told You Not to Tease Her!!"

[Norasmomma]

I'm sorry they hurt her feelings, but here's another perspective.

Does she have long hair? I only ask because lots of little girls have long hair that is a total PITA to comb, my DD can't have long hair due to it being incredibly tangly and hard to comb a nice short bob is perfect for her. Maybe she does need it cut, I know it has made a difference for my DD, she gets complemented on her hair. Plain and simple a bob looks better on her, when it's long it is a big ol rats nest.

Personally I can't deal with my DD having messy hair in public, people can flame away on me, but I am a hairstylist and for me it's one of my pet peeves.

[Tjej]

It may be that your DD DOES want a haircut and it isn't actually because of your ILs. That might be something to consider independently. My DD had BEAUTIFUL long blonde hair with natural spirals/waves, and she decided she wanted it cut. She actually wanted it super short, but I did convince her to just cut a few inches off for the time being and wait to do something more drastic. She is much happier now that 1)she doesn't get hair comments from people everywhere we go all the time now and 2)brushing is easier.

Your ILs really shouldn't act like that, and I agree that you either need to stop them, redirect them, or find an alternative activity for everyone. Or would a hat have helped? Sometimes people don't act in the best way. They probably thought they were helping (maybe figured you also wanted her hair brushed and that shaming her into it was a good idea). They obviously were not helping, but I tend to assume that even terrible comments generally come from good intentions.

Sorry you had such a bad visit. I hope your next one is much better. And any discussion with them I'd personally defer to your husband, since they are his parents.

Tjej

[One_Girl]

Maybe their comments helped your dd vocalize how annoying her hair is to her. If she rarely likes to have her hair combed then I think you should consider letting her have it cut. My dd's hair gets very unmanageable and hard to comb when she keeps it long, but when it is short she loves it combed. They probably thought their comments were helpful because they assumed you would want her to look her best in public and around the grandparents she rarely sees. Many people in our society, even those who practive gentle discipline, insist that their children look clean and groomed before leaving the house, so it is understandable tht they would think that you were all on the same page. Maybe talking to them about your parenting style would be helpful for next time.

[Headmeister]

I can recall something similar happening to me when I was about 4 I think, when my father did nothing but tell me how ratty my hair was (and it wasn't, he just hated brushing it when he took us on weekends).

I went home and told my mother that I had "ratty hair" and wanted it cut off... but I really didn't - I just was very afraid of my father and his temper and didn't want him to get mad anymore about having to brush out my hair. She didn't pay it much attention and just said that my hair was beautiful.

The next weekend that my father took us, he started in with the complaining again about my hair. I was so intimidated by him, I let him take me to get my hair cut. I went from having hair down the middle of my back to getting the "Dorothy Hamill" haircut - VERY DRASTIC. I hated it, but I was too upset with all of his comments. My mother freaked out because he never consulted her, and I was mocked in school for looking like a boy after that.

The moral to the story is, at 3 years old, I don't think she really wants her hair cut - I just think she wants to not be teased again. Personally, if you don't want to start a war, I'd just brush her hair while your IL's are there. But I'm a fighter, and if it were me, I'd tell them, "if anything less than sugary sweet whispers of love and adoration come out of your mouth when talking to MY child, you will be asked to leave and not invited back".

Sorry you're going through this... hugs...

[Elizabeth2008]

I don't blame you at all for being upset. I would be very too. A child that age doesn't really understand teasing when it comes from an adult. They can take it very seriously and it can make them feel bad about themselves, so you are right to be guarded about it. I do think it's a bit of generational thing in that older people get very hung up on the "presentation" of children - their clothes, hair being combed, sitting still at dinner, etc. My parents ask if they can brush DS's hair and I always say "if he says it's ok". My dad doesn't like that, but hey, it's his body, and having tussled hair is not life threatening

I'm not sure what to do next time something like this happens, but i often opt for defending DS in front of the person making the comment. So if they make a passive aggressive comment say "in this house each person gets to decide for themselves when they brush their hair. And I think her hair looks just great." or something like that. So she sees and hears you defending her. As for her current desire to cut her hair short, I would just validate her feelings. Don't tell her she cant' cut her hair short if she really wants to but maybe ask her what she would like most about short hair and what she doesn't like about her hair long, to try to tease out her feelings.

[AnnieNimIty]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Man, I'm proud of you. I would've already done some photoediting and emailed MIL and FIL a picture of dd bald with "SEE??? I Told You Not to Tease Her!!"

hahahahahahahahhahahah! Totally...

[Norasmomma]

Originally Posted by Elizabeth2008

I do think it's a bit of generational thing in that older people get very hung up on the "presentation" of children - their clothes, hair being combed, sitting still at dinner, etc.

See I don't agree with the sitting still at dinner aspect(at least for young children), but I do personally like my children to look presentable in public. IDK if it is only generational, but more of a personal preference. I see it as showing I care for my children. I've been judged just the opposite too, like I cared too much when my then 18 month old was dressed in a pink sweatsuit, another mom said "it must be so hard to keep her clean." I looked at her and told her that was what Oxyclean was for. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I also disagree with the fact that a 3 y/o can't in fact have their own opinion on hair, I know for a fact I hated the way my mom fixed my hair when I was a little girl. I also hated how she dressed me too-a fact that remains to this day, she can't buy me clothes, we have vastly different tastes.

[Linda on the move]

It will most likely blow over pretty quickly. It was just one day out of her life and won't shape her personality or attitudes.

I'd tell her that getting a hair cut is a big decision and that you want to wait a couple of weeks. If she still wants it cut in a couple of weeks it's OK because it is her hair, but that it will take a long to time to grow out so she needs to think about it. Most likely she'll forget all about it before the waiting period is up.

You may need to do something about the in-laws -- setting some firmer boundaries for future visits. My parents are nuts and we don't see them much. We are very strict with them when we do see them and have gently explained that if they don't follow our rules, they don't see our kids.

[Materfamilias]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I'd tell her that getting a hair cut is a big decision and that you want to wait a couple of weeks. If she still wants it cut in a couple of weeks it's OK because it is her hair, but that it will take a long to time to grow out so she needs to think about it.

[choli]

It sounds to me like the DD just does not want "hassle hair" - she obviously dislikes having her hair brushed and realised it would be less of a problem having short hair.

I don't think it's a sign of low self esteem to want short hair.

[isaoma]

Originally Posted by Elizabeth2008

I don't blame you at all for being upset. I would be very too. A child that age doesn't really understand teasing when it comes from an adult. They can take it very seriously and it can make them feel bad about themselves, so you are right to be guarded about it.

This is exactly it. Dd is only 3 and has no way of understanding or deflecting this type of behavior from another child, let alone a pair of adults that are considered family. This is what makes me irate. It's a bullying behavior, done for no other reason except to exert some sort of power on a young vulnerable individual that they think they can and should control. I did try to deflect and speak up, but I don't get along that well with my ILs and stayed in away as much as possible, now I wish I watched dd more carefully (dh was there and spoke up more).

Secondly, we don't try to put so much emphasis on personal appearance. I feel our society is too wrapped up in this, especially with young girls and the pressure to look a certain way all the time. That said, yes, I buy dd lovely dresses for special occasions and she has a basketful of fairy/ballet/princess AND paleontologist-scientist/doctor/dinosaur play clothes (all her choices).

FWIW, her hair wasn't a tangled mess on Saturday, she has a short chin-length bob with bangs. She had a bed-head look, but that was it. That morning she didn't want to brush her teeth or her hair - we were able to persuade her to brush her teeth, but when dealing with a 3 year old, sometimes you just make compromises. We weren't going out, we were all home hanging around.

I was just about to post a pic of dd, but one, I don't know how to do that and two, it doesn't matter. This trip it was about her hair (and other things), next time it will be about something else. I don't think people should be so consumed with a child's appearance - positive or negative. It's not what I want my dd to value most in other people or herself.

I just asked dd about her hair and she said she still wanted it short because of what grandma and grandpa said.

[isaoma]

Originally Posted by Tjej

Or would a hat have helped?
Tjej

I don't think a hat would have been useful because I would be telling dd that there was something wrong with her appearance and she needs to hide her hair under a hat.

Originally Posted by One_Girl

Maybe their comments helped your dd vocalize how annoying her hair is to her. If she rarely likes to have her hair combed then I think you should consider letting her have it cut.

It's not that dd doesn't ever want to have her hair combed, it just that we had a very socially busy week preceding my IL's visit and she was just pooped, you know? It's not that hard to comb dd's hair, she has a bob. She just wanted ot be left alone, which I understand - that's what weekends are for.

Originally Posted by Headmeister

I can recall something similar happening to me when I was about 4 I think, when my father did nothing but tell me how ratty my hair was (and it wasn't, he just hated brushing it when he took us on weekends).

I went home and told my mother that I had "ratty hair" and wanted it cut off... but I really didn't - I just was very afraid of my father and his temper and didn't want him to get mad anymore about having to brush out my hair. She didn't pay it much attention and just said that my hair was beautiful.

The next weekend that my father took us, he started in with the complaining again about my hair. I was so intimidated by him, I let him take me to get my hair cut. I went from having hair down the middle of my back to getting the "Dorothy Hamill" haircut - VERY DRASTIC. I hated it, but I was too upset with all of his comments. My mother freaked out because he never consulted her, and I was mocked in school for looking like a boy after that.

The moral to the story is, at 3 years old, I don't think she really wants her hair cut - I just think she wants to not be teased again. Personally, if you don't want to start a war, I'd just brush her hair while your IL's are there. But I'm a fighter, and if it were me, I'd tell them, "if anything less than sugary sweet whispers of love and adoration come out of your mouth when talking to MY child, you will be asked to leave and not invited back".

Sorry you're going through this... hugs...

Headmeister, so sorry this happened to you as a child. I tried to give my IL's the benefit of the doubt, but I think prior to their next visit, I need to put my foot down.

[Norasmomma]

This actually sounds more like an IL issue than anything else.

[isaoma]

Originally Posted by Norasmomma

This actually sounds more like an IL issue than anything else.

Well, in the sense that my ILs are responsible. But, I think you are missing the point of my post.

The bigger issue and the reason I am posting is that my daughter wants to change something about herself (something that she liked prior to their visit). She wants a super short "like dads" haircut. It's not so much about having her hair long, medium or short either. It is about the fact that someone made her feel bad about her appearance and now she wants to change it. She said the reason she wants her haircut short is that grandma and grandpa made her feel bad about her hair. I'm just looking for the best way to help her feel better about herself. It hurt her self esteem. She has never experienced this type to injury before and I need to find an appropriate way to help her understand what happened and to get through it.

[NellieKatz]

I don't think this is about the hair at all. That behavior, those little "innocent" digs by your in-laws....just plain mean! I always say (like they do in the TV law shows) "asked & answered, your Honor." It means we've already brought up the issue of her hair, she doesn't want to brush it, we're OK with it, and THAT'S IT. Any further badgering of the little one after the question's been answered is just hostile in my opinion.

[JL83]

Originally Posted by Headmeister

The moral to the story is, at 3 years old, I don't think she really wants her hair cut - I just think she wants to not be teased again.

My 3yo have VERY clearly wanted to have her hair cut since she was ~2.5yo when I told her that her options where having me comb it (with spray in detangler) every morning and when it got messy or having it cut. She chose cutting it the first time. Then every 6 to 8 weeks when I start to want to comb it again she asks us to cut her hair.

Children that age are able to "want" to have short hair.

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I'd tell her that getting a hair cut is a big decision and that you want to wait a couple of weeks.

How is getting a hair cut a "big decision"???????

Hair grows back. It's in no way a big decision. It's not permanent or anything.

Why no let the girl have her hair cut and get to understand what that option means. Then, when it grows out, don't say anything and see what she wants.