ILs hurt dd self-esteem - what can I do? - Page 3

[Headmeister]

Originally Posted by Headmeister View Post
The moral to the story is, at 3 years old, I don't think she really wants her hair cut - I just think she wants to not be teased again.

My 3yo have VERY clearly wanted to have her hair cut since she was ~2.5yo when I told her that her options where having me comb it (with spray in detangler) every morning and when it got messy or having it cut. She chose cutting it the first time. Then every 6 to 8 weeks when I start to want to comb it again she asks us to cut her hair.

Children that age are able to "want" to have short hair.

Ok, I totally agree with you that a 3 year old can WANT their hair cut. But isn't this TOTALLY OBVIOUS that her wanting to cut her hair was completely instigated by her grandparents commenting on her unbrushed hair? and also from what the OP'er has stated, her daughters hair is a bob-length cut - already short at least in my mind.

Again, I never said that a 3 year old can't have their own opinions about how they want to wear their hair, but it's painfully obvious that this is a "grandma doesn't like me the way I am so I want to change who I am so she will like me and won't say mean things to me anymore" kinda thing.

Headmeister, so sorry this happened to you as a child. I tried to give my IL's the benefit of the doubt, but I think prior to their next visit, I need to put my foot down.

Thanks very much... Sadly, it's one of those life moments I haven't been able to forget.

I just asked dd about her hair and she said she still wanted it short because of what grandma and grandpa said.

See? Exactly.

Originally Posted by SunshineJ

Y'know, it sounds pretty clear your dd only wants her hair cut because her grandparents made an issue of it - if only because that's what she told you. Praise is not always the evil thing AK seems to try to make it out to be, and coming from a family that followed his principles before he was ever a "thing" in pop psychology, I can tell you that little to no praise can be just as damaging as too much over the top can be. Go ahead and tell her that her hair is beautiful if that's what your instinct is telling you to do. It can't harm her any more than the hurtful comments of your in-laws, that's for sure! And then have your dh have a very direct and pointed discussion with his parents about how to act their own age and not your child's age!

Nice! Perfectly said!

Hugs again to you... it seems to me like you're getting some accusatory responses here and I don't think they're warranted - or valid.

[isaoma]

Originally Posted by joensally

My response to my daughter tends to run along the lines of "A tidy appearance is important to grandma - and having combed hair is part of a tidy appearance to grandma. You chose not to comb your hair, which is fine, but grandma was telling you that it bothered her. It's your hair, so it's your choice." We also discuss social conventions and our power to make choices about how we participate in them.

The above is the facts, without making judgements about looks or hair and casts grandma is a more positive light than telling her that grandma's a pita .

Thanks joensally, I used your explanation verbatim this morning when talking to dd. I was so mad at my ILs, it was hard for me to explain their behavior without making judgments. She was better able to process what you said above about her grandparents and social convention.

Originally Posted by darcytrue

My MIL used to be real bad about commenting on how she "hoped" our DD's hair would thicken up as she gets older and when out places she would comment positively on other girls with nice, thick hair. I have very fine hair and I guess it's not good enough for them and MIL figured our DD would end up with hair like mine. I had to endure that comment for so long before MIL passed away. I got sick of it but eventually let it go in one ear and out the other.

Good grief, this reminds me of something MIL would say exactly. She used call another granddaughter "chubby" all the time "A is just going to be our chubby one. A is a beautiful 13 year old now (and she was never chubby...)

Originally Posted by mamazee

First, I disagree with those who say the way to handle this is to shower her with praise. Kids who get overpraised get dependant upon external motivators and get their self-esteem created externally more and more, so showering her with praise could make her less self-reliant and even more prone to large responses to external comments. If it hadn't been repeated over and over, it probably would have rolled off her back. She's better not having her sense of self determined by external sources.

Yes. I think this also gets more complicated when dealing with physical appearances for girls especially. I want her to confident in who she is and how she looks independently. I've seen this happen to many beautiful women, they are so used to being complimented by men, they won't ever leave the house or even work out without being made-up. I do tell dd that she is beautiful, I just don't want it attached something that she did to herself at that moment.

[gbailey]

If they come over again and bother a 3 year old about her hair or something else firmly tell them, "let the hair thing go. no one wants to hear it anymore especially me!" and then change the subject. It's annoying to hear adults rag on children for things that are really up to the parent.

[KatWrangler]

[QUOTE=Norasmomma;14892326]I'm sorry they hurt her feelings, but here's another perspective.

Does she have long hair? I only ask because lots of little girls have long hair that is a total PITA to comb, my DD can't have long hair due to it being incredibly tangly and hard to comb a nice short bob is perfect for her. Maybe she does need it cut, I know it has made a difference for my DD, she gets complemented on her hair. Plain and simple a bob looks better on her, when it's long it is a big ol rats nest.

Personally I can't deal with my DD having messy hair in public, peopflame away on me, but I am a hairstylist and for me it's one of my pet peeves.[/le can QUOTE]

No, am the same way! My DD1 has long blond hair. No way will I leave the house without combing. Even if we don't leave the house I still comb it every morning. Have to keep the knots away.

Okay off to read the rest of the thread.

[Down2Earth]

It seems like a lot of people are saying that this will blow over and your DD will forget. I would have to disagree. I had an uncle who would always tease me about my hair. He called it a "rat's nest" and would talk about it all of the time. I was probably about your DD's age. I even told him that I didn't like him any more and then felt really guilty when my aunt heard since I really liked her. Anyway, long story short, I still don't like my uncle. And I never forgot how hurtful it was for him to call me rat's nest even when I thought my hair was nicely combed.

When everything is said and done, I think your in-laws are going to have to sincerely apologize to your DD about their comments if they are going to want a relationship with her in the future.

[coraljean]

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[Cherry Alive]

Jeez! My father used to bully me about my hair. He'd call it a rat's nest and painfully rip it with a comb. When he married my stepmom, she once pulled out the knots and the whole time they were comparing brushing it out to dog grooming.

I was much older than the OP's daughter when all this happened, but it really left a negative impact on me. If I had ILs harassing my young one about her hair, I'd probably be having our family taking a "vacation" from them for a very long time.

[mrspineau]

Is it possible that your daughter just doesn't want to have messy hair? I know that I don't like my hair to be messy. I don't think that your inlaws should have made comments to her, but, I don't think they are totally wrong either. If she has long hair, then I would teach her to take care of it, every day. and if she couldn't or wouldn't, then cutting it would be the consequence.

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by mrspineau

Is it possible that your daughter just doesn't want to have messy hair? I know that I don't like my hair to be messy. I don't think that your inlaws should have made comments to her, but, I don't think they are totally wrong either. If she has long hair, then I would teach her to take care of it, every day. and if she couldn't or wouldn't, then cutting it would be the consequence.

She's 3 years old. And it was one day. You don't think this is overkill?

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by mamazee

she's 3 years old. And it was one day. You don't think this is overkill?

ita.

[lab]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Man, I'm proud of you. I would've already done some photoediting and emailed MIL and FIL a picture of dd bald with "SEE??? I Told You Not to Tease Her!!"

[mrspineau]

Originally Posted by mamazee

She's 3 years old. And it was one day. You don't think this is overkill?

i mean, maybe it was one day, or maybe it happens more often than that, or maybe she really didnt like the reaction she got from people when she had messy hair, whether it be one day or a hundred days. I don't know, if you let your kids look messy for a day, then others dont have to like it.

[mamazee]

To not like it is fine. To say to the parents that you dont' like it is fine. To give backhanded comments over and over again to a 3-year-old child is not fine.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by mrspineau

i mean, maybe it was one day, or maybe it happens more often than that, or maybe she really didnt like the reaction she got from people when she had messy hair, whether it be one day or a hundred days. I don't know, if you let your kids look messy for a day, then others dont have to like it.

Others don't have to like anything about my kids. They do have to respect my kids in their own home.

OP: I have no idea how you kept your cool. If my in-laws were hassling dd like that, I'd probably explode!

[TulsiLeaf]

Originally Posted by isaoma

Thanks joensally, I used your explanation verbatim this morning when talking to dd. I was so mad at my ILs, it was hard for me to explain their behavior without making judgments. She was better able to process what you said above about her grandparents and social convention.



Good grief, this reminds me of something MIL would say exactly. She used call another granddaughter "chubby" all the time "A is just going to be our chubby one. A is a beautiful 13 year old now (and she was never chubby...)



Yes. I think this also gets more complicated when dealing with physical appearances for girls especially. I want her to confident in who she is and how she looks independently. I've seen this happen to many beautiful women, they are so used to being complimented by men, they won't ever leave the house or even work out without being made-up. I do tell dd that she is beautiful, I just don't want it attached something that she did to herself at that moment.

I think that what would have helped her out better is to see you stand up for her. I have had to stand up for my daughter in front of my mother one time. It just reassures them that Mummy thinks they are okay and that is all that matters.

I am glad she is understanding a bit better.

[wytchywoman]

Originally Posted by mamazee

To not like it is fine. To say to the parents that you dont' like it is fine. To give backhanded comments over and over again to a 3-year-old child is not fine.