4yo boy in pink coat. Does this affect his self esteem?

[contactmaya]

We are lovers of pink and purple, and general pastels in this family. (greens and oranges, blues and brown good too) Except my 4yo and 21m old are boys.

This morning my 4yo's preschool director, cautioned me about his wearing a pink coat (very thick and warm, with scarf and hood, and ds loves it) because it may be affecting his self esteem.

I replied that i have often been out with my ds in this pink coat, and never saw evidence of that. However, i was very interested in anything that would affect his self esteem obviously, and i thanked her for telling me.

Yesterday for eg. we were at a test playdate (all part of school applications around here) On the way out, girls in group remarked to ds (who was already calling them all by name even though he had just met them) that he was wearing a pink coat. Thats for girls.

My ds seemed unpeturbed. Nonetheless, i offered some information to them-namely that boys can wear pink too if they want. They are still a boy.
My ds seemed happy with that.

Apparently, at his preschool,one of the teachers thought his self esteem may be affected because someone remarked that he had a pink coat, and that pink was for girls. My ds, looked down at his coat (this is all the info i have)

But he never said anything to me about it later, and still appeared very proud of his coat (mainly because of the scarf)

Dont get me wrong, we have many coats (Orange, light blue, dark blue, black, and purple.

(ok, so maybe i have too many coats)

I guess my question is twofold, a)surely its true that a boy can wear pink of he wants ( i wont even mention the abundant purple things we have)

Its just a basic principle.

But...does this really affect his self esteem?

I think he's heard me say that 'boys can wear pink too if they want' enough for him to not worry about this.

I told the preschool director, that i would no longer send ds to preschool in pink coat, since i wasnt there to monitor others' reactions, and that possibly, preschool teachers (not director, who openly admitted that she didnt think it mattered) that had more of an issue, and that colored the innocent comments from other 2 and 3 year olds.

What do you think?-should he be closeted when wearing pink, or should he leave it in the closet?

Maya

[nextcommercial]

It will affect his self esteem if the teasing starts to bother him. Or if he was being teased, and you said "Well, that's the coat we have for you. Suck it up and wear it".

If it bothers him, and he doesn't want to wear it, or the kids are being ruthless (at four, I don't think this will happen) then it's going to affect him. If he's fine, then it's fine.

[meemee]

so how does he wear his coats? does he choose or do you give him which coat to wear?

if he chooses and suddenly you wont let him wear it to ps, you are slowly starting the catering to others.

you have been out with him. he is not showing any reactions. let me tell you 4 is a v. impressionable age. and he seems to be holding his own. i would let him wear his coat at school and see what happens.

my friends son has red hair. he gets teased at school. totally doesnt affect him. gets my dd really mad and upset and she fights for him, but he doesnt even care. he doesnt seem to even hear those remarks.

so its all a personality thing.

[mamazee]

If he chooses it, then no. If it were forced on him when he were uncomfortable with it, then sure. But that's not what's going on.

It's possible he'll not want a pink coat before too long because they start to get really into gender roles just a bit beyond his age, for better or worse. Even though the stereotypes aren't good, if you made him keep wearing it if he didn't want to anymore, I would think that might hurt his self esteem, but it doesn't sound like that's an issue.

[contactmaya]

I just take out the coat, whichever is there, and he puts it on. He doesnt seem to care either way, but does seem to like the pink coat because of the scarf.

If he really wanted to wear the pink coat, then i would send him to preschool in it and explain to them.

Failing that, i wont be sending him to preschool in the coat, to avoid the stupid conversation. I am not there to monitor what goes on, and monitor to what extent preschool teachers' attitudes are having an impact.

I admit, that i am catering to them in this case, but i would not do so against his will.

I mean, we have other coats, and he can wear whichever one he wants.

Still, if they say it affects his self esteem, they are coming from some experience (though i still havent seen evidence of it yet)

Are there any kids that would be affected by this sort of thing? I dunno....

[Drummer's Wife]

That's a hard one! obviously, the color pink, itself, won't hurt his self-esteem (especially since he is choosing it) but the possible constant comments definitely could bring him down. It seems like it's everyone else who has an issue with a boy wearing a pink coat, not you or your son. I guess I would not send him in it, just b/c it's already gotten to the point where the staff is bringing it up to you, and seems concerned. Since you say he likes it b/c of the scarf, can you get him a new, colorful scarf? or attach one to another coat for him?

[Grace and Granola]

A pink coat isn't going to damage his self-esteem, but if people are constantly questioning or teasing him about, then that could. If it's possible, I would always make a choice available to him. Like--Pink or Orange today? He might just continue choosing pink, but if one day someone says something nasty, he should know that he can make a different choice the next day.

My ds is 4, and this age is the first time I've noticed kids starting to point out differences and talk about things being for girls or babies or whatever. I really want my kids to get through this age without any obvious reasons for teasing. If my kid is 12 and wants to wear pink or have blue hair, that's fine. Right now, I'm going to do my part to protect them for that. But that's just me, a person who is highly sensitive to criticism!

[One_Girl]

The teacher's attitudes and the fact that they allowed children to say harsh words to your child without redirecting them and pointing out that colors are for all people is more likely to affect his self-esteem. I think you should go back to the director and tell her you are concerned that the teacher's are allowing put-downs and creating a classroom environment where your child doesn't feel free to be himself and ask her to closely monitor that. I would be very concerned if my child was happy to do something at home but seemed sad about it at school.

[Alyantavid]

I think having you (and the teachers) make a big deal out of it will affect him more. I'd let him wear it and ask the director if she could have the teachers stop the other kids from making fun of him.

[Kailey's mom]

Gender stereotyped colors . It's no different than sending a little girl to preschool in a blue coat ya know. I think the teacher is making a big deal over nothing, because she is not comfortable with it. Real men wear pink I like that saying

[lilyka]

the teachers can handle the situation properly. make the kids apologize. tell him it is just fine if he wears a pink coat. but nothing will take back the words that were said. the ideas presented. the feelings they caused. the seeds they planted. I truely think the teacher does not care about color. I think her concern is that other childrenb are singling out your son to mock him. even though there is nothing wrong with him or his coat. obviously you have other options. and like I said, even if the teachers do everything right those words are already out there. there is no going back. even if the girls who said it were punished, banished whatever, and every one sent a clear message that we do not make fun of boys who wear pink for any reason, it is already out there playing in your kids head. how it effects him depends on who he is.

I do not know your son. I have three children. One who would have asked for a different coat because she knew people didn't like even though she thought it was great. She owuld be like "meh, whatever, I don't want to be judged over a coat when I have another one people won't make fun of me for wearing" one who would hate the coat from now on and never ever wear a coat, a shirt, a dress in that color nor would she put it on her dolls or be seen walking next to someone in such a thing ever ever again. (dressing her as a toddler and preschooler was a delight...) and one who would be like "I love my coat. I wish we had matching ones because you would love it too. here wanna wear mine for a little while. I love to share and I bet you would just love this coat and you would look sooooo cuuuuute in it!!!" without a hint of knowing that the other person was in anyway being insulting.

So depending on your son it could cause him to have self esteem issues. .It could make him more secure. Its really hard to get across to preschoolers that some people think some things are for girls and its fine if you wear it and it is fine that you don't for whatever reasons you decide. but you shouldn't feel bad for liking it even if you don't want to wear it any more becasue you just don't feel like dealing with the comments.....

[TCMoulton]

Originally Posted by One_Girl

The teacher's attitudes and the fact that they allowed children to say harsh words to your child without redirecting them and pointing out that colors are for all people is more likely to affect his self-esteem. I think you should go back to the director and tell her you are concerned that the teacher's are allowing put-downs and creating a classroom environment where your child doesn't feel free to be himself and ask her to closely monitor that. I would be very concerned if my child was happy to do something at home but seemed sad about it at school.

Honestly, I don't see where the teacher allowed another child to use harsh words - she only stated that she thought girls wear pink. Unless she followed it up by teasing him for the coat she was just stating what she felt was obvious like little children tend to do. (And we don't know what the teacher's response to the little girl was - she may have made a statement like you suggested).

Honestly, since you have other coats for him to wear I would just have him wear another for school and wouldn't make a big deal over the change - chances are he won't notice and it will spare him any potential discomfort or teasing in the future.

[momtoS]

It shouldn't matter but...once my daughter started school she was upset that her picture (that she drew) wasn't nice. I asked her why and one of the girls in her class told her that her picture was ugly because it didn't have pink or purple in it. *sigh* It was a beautiful picture. BUT....kids are very critical.

It could affect him if he is teased. But....if he likes it and isn't bothered then he should wear it.

Is it a jacket purchased in the girls section? Did he pick it out? Just curious.

[Whistler]

Two thoughts:

1. My daughter picked a gray/red Spiderman coat. No biggie. She gets told it's a boy's coat (it is) and she responds that it's her favorite color. End of discussion.

2. Can you get a big iron-on patch with a "boy" picture to put on the coat? Then he can show it to people who make comments? It might give him a way to keep his favorite coat but deflect the comments.

[LionTigerBear]

In our culture, pink is associated as primarily a color for females, especially girls. That's just a fact. So if you don't agree with that, then you'll have to explain that to your son. At 4 he should be able to understand that. In our house we choose to go along with the culture, because it is not a big issue to us and I personally don't see it as harmful (no one in our house loves pink that much, anyway). I understand that different home cultures are different, and you are free to create your own home culture. But yes, whenever a child is the odd one out in the social group, where everyone else follows the same social rules except for the odd child out-- yes, I do believe that it can be damaging to the child's self esteem. But if it is something you believe in very strongly, then go for it. On the other hand, if it isn't that important to you, I would say choose your battles and let it go-- wear the other coats, at least to school.

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by TCMoulton

Honestly, I don't see where the teacher allowed another child to use harsh words - she only stated that she thought girls wear pink. Unless she followed it up by teasing him for the coat she was just stating what she felt was obvious like little children tend to do. (And we don't know what the teacher's response to the little girl was - she may have made a statement like you suggested).

Honestly, since you have other coats for him to wear I would just have him wear another for school and wouldn't make a big deal over the change - chances are he won't notice and it will spare him any potential discomfort or teasing in the future.

If it affected his self-esteem then the kids words were harsh. Since the teachers asked the director to talk to the mom about not letting him wear a pink coat and the director didn't mention the teacher's redirecting the kids the teachers were allowing harsh words in their classroom and fostering a negative environment. Because I have worked in preschool, I would definitely not leave my child in an environment like this if I didn't know that the teachers had actually redirected the children. I have seen some really nasty, highly educated teachers in daycare centers that were rated very highly. I would be especially careful if the center director came to me about an issue like this and didn't tell me what the teacher's were going to help my child.

[a-sorta-fairytale]

If he still wants to wear the coat then let him. I would talk to him about how some people think only girls should wear pink and that is silly - colors are for everyone.

My dd is in kinder and she loves all thing superhero. Her rain boots are black with the batman symbol and her tennis shoes were light up (oh the horror!) spiderman. On her very first day a girl said "those are boy shoes" and she rolled her eyes (as she has dealt with this before) and said "spiderman is cool and is for anyone who is cool." A boy told her that her rainboots were "boyboots" and she said "oh reaaaaalllly do they have boys on them?" and
BUT she has thick skin and is a bit snarky and a tough cookie.

She still battles this because they are in kinder and dont have great social skills yet. Just yesterday the teacher had replaced the doll house in the class with a pirate ship. During circle the teacher was introducing the pirate ship to the class and a boy said "yay a toy for only the boys!" and the teacher said "nope, actually everything in the room is for everyone." This is her answer to any of the stereotyping that happens in class. BEcause this is the same message she hears at home she doesnt get bothered by it.
When i picked dd up the boy that made the pirate comment was hand sewing a felt outfit for the pirates.

[handzfull]

My son's favorite color around that age was pink. He had no idea that is wasn't a "boy's color". Although he didn't have a pink coat or anything like that, I just quietly enjoyed his innocence about the whole issue until he got old enough to where it might affect him socially. Then I would tell him, if it came up, that I was really glad he liked pink and that was perfectly okay, but just to be aware that other kids might think it was unusual since he is a boy and I wouldn't want him to get his feelings hurt if they teased him. Eventually he outgrew the whole "favorite color" thing and it never hurt him.

[Elizabeth2008]

It will only affect his self esteem if the teasing starts to bother him. But, frankly, i don't think what you described even amounts to teasing. It seems the teachers ought to be more occupied with trying to set the girls straight that genders don't "own" colors. Girls wear blue don't they? And I had a boyfriend once who wore the most lovely pink oxford shirt. Damn, he looked hot in that!

I digress... my DS says his favorite color is purple. And his next favorite is pink. I've never told him there is anything wrong with this. I think, left to their own devices, many boys would gravitate to these colors because they are vibrant and beautiful. The problem is so many people feel they have to tell boys they "can't wear that". When you stop and think about it, it's so absurd, and yet so many people just blindly continue to train children in gender stereotypical ways.

You should feel great that you have a son who wants to make his own choices and is not discouraged by peer pressure. That kind of internal confidence will come in very handy later in life! Again, just make sure it's HIS choice and that you don't make an "issue" out of it. That way he'll feel very free to stop wearing the coat should he become uncomfortable.

[Elizabeth2008]

Originally Posted by LionTigerBear

In our culture, pink is associated as primarily a color for females, especially girls. That's just a fact. So if you don't agree with that, then you'll have to explain that to your son. At 4 he should be able to understand that. In our house we choose to go along with the culture, because it is not a big issue to us and I personally don't see it as harmful (no one in our house loves pink that much, anyway). I understand that different home cultures are different, and you are free to create your own home culture. But yes, whenever a child is the odd one out in the social group, where everyone else follows the same social rules except for the odd child out-- yes, I do believe that it can be damaging to the child's self esteem.

What happens when your child is the odd one out when everyone else is doing drugs. Or your child is the odd one out when their group of friends decide to shoplift. Or someday your child is the odd one out who refuses to go along with taking advantage of the drunk girl at the party. I know these are extreme examples, but I think fostering a need to "go along" with society is risky, especially when what society is dictating (certain colors are for girls) is so patently ridiculous. Conformity in the face of peer pressure is not a virtue.