4yo boy in pink coat. Does this affect his self esteem? - Page 2

[LionTigerBear]

Originally Posted by LionTigerBear

In our culture, pink is associated as primarily a color for females, especially girls. That's just a fact. So if you don't agree with that, then you'll have to explain that to your son. At 4 he should be able to understand that. In our house we choose to go along with the culture, because it is not a big issue to us and I personally don't see it as harmful (no one in our house loves pink that much, anyway). I understand that different home cultures are different, and you are free to create your own home culture. But yes, whenever a child is the odd one out in the social group, where everyone else follows the same social rules except for the odd child out-- yes, I do believe that it can be damaging to the child's self esteem. But if it is something you believe in very strongly, then go for it. On the other hand, if it isn't that important to you, I would say choose your battles and let it go-- wear the other coats, at least to school.

Originally Posted by Elizabeth2008

What happens when your child is the odd one out when everyone else is doing drugs. Or your child is the odd one out when their group of friends decide to shoplift. Or someday your child is the odd one out who refuses to go along with taking advantage of the drunk girl at the party. I know these are extreme examples, but I think fostering a need to "go along" with society is risky, especially when what society is dictating (certain colors are for girls) is so patently ridiculous. Conformity in the face of peer pressure is not a virtue.

I think it is good to conform to culture in some ways. It is good to be part of something bigger than yourself and to identify with a group. We are social creatures-- this can be healthy. However, of course one's conscience should come first. This is what we are teaching our children. We don't compromise on right and wrong. Personally, I just don't see certain cultural issues such as color traditions to be that big of a deal. When it comes to being an individual vs. being a harmonious part of a group, I feel that moderation, in general, is the way to go. Of course if the group is toxic, that's a different situation-- but in that (hypothetical) situation what are you doing raising a 3yo in it?

[MusicianDad]

If wearing pink affects a boys self esteem I must really hate myself...

More and more people are realizing that yes boys and men can wear pink and that no it doesn't affect their "manliness" in any way, or their selfesteem.

Honestly if he likes the coat, then let him wear it. He will let you know when/if that changes.

[zeldamomma]

I think it depends on what the culture is like where you live.

Around here, I think a lot of people would think it was weird for a boy to wear a pink coat, and it might affect how they treat him. If he really wants to wear the coat, I'd certainly let him, but I'd make sure he had a nice warm coat with a scarf in a neutral color.

ZM

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by LionTigerBear

In our culture, pink is associated as primarily a color for females, especially girls. That's just a fact. So if you don't agree with that, then you'll have to explain that to your son. At 4 he should be able to understand that. In our house we choose to go along with the culture, because it is not a big issue to us and I personally don't see it as harmful (no one in our house loves pink that much, anyway). I understand that different home cultures are different, and you are free to create your own home culture. But yes, whenever a child is the odd one out in the social group, where everyone else follows the same social rules except for the odd child out-- yes, I do believe that it can be damaging to the child's self esteem. But if it is something you believe in very strongly, then go for it. On the other hand, if it isn't that important to you, I would say choose your battles and let it go-- wear the other coats, at least to school.

DD is the odd one out. Always. Every single time.

She is also a happy well adjusted girl who is proud to be the odd one out. She strives to be the odd one out. Yes people have made comments to her, even when she was little. Her main environment, with family, is one that truely admires people who don't follow the crowd. That affected her more then the negative comments. Not being allowed to be yourself, even just in public situations, I believe will be more likely to cause issues with self esteem. It teaches a kid, they can be themselves so long as it doesn't make anyone else uncomfortable.

This shouldn't even be a battle, the school has no place to decide what colours are appropriate for boys and the other kids will likely not even care other then a passing mention that its a pink coat. If they do, there are bigger problems and changing coat colours won't solve them.

[Kailey's mom]

this is so petty..

I bet you would get a phone call also if he decided to play with dolls. There's nothing wrong with colors, I think it's the adults who really have issues with colors, little kids don't care unless they are taught that "pink" is for girls and blue is for boys. At 4 years old, I wouldn't worry about it at all. oh yeah.. and incase it ever comes up with this teacher, there's nothing wrong with him if he plays with dolls either. My best friend, who was a boy, used to play with dolls all the time *and sometimes he was the mommy LOL*

[morgainesmama]

My experience tells me that your son would say if it bothered him. In particular, since there are other coats available, and if he is not phased by it, I think it's the teacher's issue, and not your son's.

I have two boys -- now aged 7 and 5. My oldest boy loved wearing his sister's clothes. It included her dresses. I wrestled with whether I should be teaching him to conform, but decided I'd let him draw his own conclusions, and reasoned that for all I know, he'll learn as he grows that he's a transsexual. I let him wear the dresses, much to the screaming of MY peers that I was messing him up permanently.

When he was 4 or 5, and running naked at the beach as we changed to leave, a little girl looked at him with his long hair and said "Look, mama! That little girl has a penis!" THAT bothered him -- that people assumed he was a girl because of his hair. He got his hair cut. And continued to occasionally wear dresses. Still occasionally wears his sister's tutu out, though these days, it's more for the shock value, I think.

My younger son, from a young age, refused to wear pink hand-me-downs or anything he perceived as girly. Whether it's the different culture he grew up in (exh and I divorced when he was 1, and his stepmother is SUPER into gender stereotypes) or his personality, I don't know. But he made his needs clear, and I ensure he doesn't end up with pink hand-me-downs.

My opinion is -- let your son decide what affects his self esteem. Rather than make the coat decision for him, trust him to communicate with you. You might talk with him about it -- "The teacher is worried that you'll feel bad if you wear this coat, because some of the kids think pink is a girl color. Would you prefer not to wear it any more, or do you still want to wear it to preschool?"

Kids are wise, and leaving small decisions like this in their hands, rather than the hands of a well-meaning teacher, empowers them, IMO.

[redpajama]

I wouldn't send him in the pink coat *just* to prove a point, but if he likes it and enjoys wearing it, I absolutely wouldn't stop putting it on him (for preschool or otherwise). Seize the opportunity to teach him that some people think that boys should wear some colors, and girls should wear others, and ask him if that makes any sense to him. It probably won't. So tell him it doesn't really make sense to you, either, and that you like all sorts of colors--blues and greens and other "boy" colors, and he can like whatever colors he wants.

He may eventually become self-conscious about it, and if he does, I'd just continue to tell him he can wear whatever color(s) he likes--and if that means he starts wearing blue and black, fine.

They're just colors, and I really would just let him do/wear whatever he wants.

My son (5 in February) has long hair (and a very pretty face ) and he is REPEATEDLY mistaken for a girl. Even after people are around him and hear him talk, learn his name, see his clothes (he can often be found in a Star Wars or other stereotypically "boy" t-shirt), they assume he's a girl. In fact, at a birthday party recently, another parent called him "Samantha"--assuming that "Sam" couldn't possibly be short for "Samuel."

Anyway, it's led to a few conversations about gender and our assumptions. I've asked him now-and-again if he'd like to cut his hair short like some of the other boys he knows, and he doesn't want to. If he changes his mind, and I suspect it's because of societal pressure, I'll be a little sad, but I'll definitely take him to get it cut. After all, I do some things because of societal pressure, and that's my choice to make.