DS2 age 3 will absolutely not toilet train - what to do?

[susanl1202]

DS2 was 3 at the end of October and shows absolutely no interest in toilet training. He knows when he needs to go and in fact hides in the corner of the room shouting 'don't look at me' while he soils his diaper! I've managed to get him to sit on the toilet a few times but it seems to really stress him out, almost like stage fright. He's interested in DS1's toilet habits and follows him to the bathroom, but has done this for a very long time. My DH is beginning to worry that he is either developmentally delayed or just too strong willed. I'm trying very hard to chill about the whole thing and accept that he'll do it when he is ready - but it's hard when frankly I'm tired of changing his real huge human poo. We have a baby in the house (DS3 - almost 3 months). I don't think his arrival has caused DS2 to regress in anyway, in fact he seems to embrace the big brother role in lots of other ways.

I think I'm just hoping for some reassurance that he will learn to use the toilet at some point, but any hints would be great. DS1 was a breeze, all done and dusted in a week so I wasn't expecting such a challenge.

[KatWrangler]

My son was 4 1/2 when he potty trained both day and night time. He just wasn't ready prior to that. The carrot that finally worked for us was pre-k. He really wanted to go to school. I told him, he couldn't till he used the potty. That did the trick.

Oh, he only had maybe 2 accidents after age of 4 1/2.

[hakeber]

You might not be comfortable with this, but when DS was three, he had been dabbling in potty learning for about six months (looking curiously, when naked able to go on his own to toilet, etc.) but if his clothes were on and a diaper or training pants, he just always went in his diaper, so I just stopped putting him in diapers during the day (night time potty using took another year, and we still have the odd accident) and I made him responsible for the clean up. Within reason obviously; he had to rinse out the dirty clothes in the sink and put them in the laundry basket and get clean ones from his room, and when he was done he had to help wipe up any puddles or messes in the house as I soothed and reassured him that "...it was just an accident, nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone has accidents...Next time I'm sure you'll make it to the toilet, won't you, Honey Bun", but he had to help clean up his own messes...I still wiped him down and I got him dressed and sanitized the area.

It meant a LOT more dirty laundry for a week or two, Slip covers, needed to be washed out a few times, and we went through about two can of carpet shampoo, and he had to change bottoms sometimes three times a day, but once he figured out that wet underwear was a hell of a lot more uncomfortable than a wet diaper, he took about a week and a half to use the toilet consistently. That's not to say he didn't have the occassional accident, especially when distracted or busy playing intensely, but for the most part he started taking much more initiative in getting himself to the toilet.

[sarahr]

My dd turned 3 in September and similarly shows no interest. When wearing underpants/naked, she'll happily pee where she is and keep playing. We've put her in underwear more or less full time (except nap and bedtime) and hopefully it will get better as she learns to recognize the feeling.

[susanl1202]

Originally Posted by hakeber

You might not be comfortable with this, but when DS was three, he had been dabbling in potty learning for about six months (looking curiously, when naked able to go on his own to toilet, etc.) but if his clothes were on and a diaper or training pants, he just always went in his diaper, so I just stopped putting him in diapers during the day (night time potty using took another year, and we still have the odd accident) and I made him responsible for the clean up. Within reason obviously; he had to rinse out the dirty clothes in the sink and put them in the laundry basket and get clean ones from his room, and when he was done he had to help wipe up any puddles or messes in the house as I soothed and reassured him that "...it was just an accident, nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone has accidents...Next time I'm sure you'll make it to the toilet, won't you, Honey Bun", but he had to help clean up his own messes...I still wiped him down and I got him dressed and sanitized the area.

It meant a LOT more dirty laundry for a week or two, Slip covers, needed to be washed out a few times, and we went through about two can of carpet shampoo, and he had to change bottoms sometimes three times a day, but once he figured out that wet underwear was a hell of a lot more uncomfortable than a wet diaper, he took about a week and a half to use the toilet consistently. That's not to say he didn't have the occassional accident, especially when distracted or busy playing intensely, but for the most part he started taking much more initiative in getting himself to the toilet.

This is pretty much my DH's suggestion. I can't imagine doing it just now in a Canadian winter with a new baby, but if there is no change by the summer I think that is the very tactic I'll use. I know that he is physically able to do it and although he sleeps in diapers he's dry in the morning most of the time, but if I suggest going to the toilet for a pee he very strongly says no. We had a discussion the other day about holding your poo until you get to the toilet but it seems that we were talking at cross purposes for a while, as it turns out that he was very confused as to why you would be holding your poo in your hands!!! I know it will happen, but we're just getting frustrated waiting for him to take his own good time.

[Ruthla]

I suggest letting it go for a while. If you get into a power struggle over toileting, the child will win!

I remember getting into just such a power struggle with DD2 when she was a little over 3.5. One time I actually held her, sitting on the toilet, while she held it in (to pee in her diaper 5 minutes after I finally gave up.) Right after that happened, I completely stopped all toilet-teaching efforts for a few weeks. I didn't initiate anything until SHE was ready- at which point, she was fully dry in a week (she probably could have been dry at night almost as soon, but I was nervous about letting her go diaper-free at night since we coslept at the time and I didn't want her peeing in my bed!)

[susanl1202]

I've hidden the potty and the toilet seats and will make a big effort not to sigh loudly when I change him and hope that he decides to toilet train on his own terms soon. I just wanted to know that I wasn't alone, thanks.