My stubborn obstinate anxious aspie teen is really trying my patience

[earthmama4]

My 13 yr old son with Aspergers is calling every day after school and missing the bus every day. Today its a stomach ache and he "can't walk home from the bus stop". I can't leave to go get him every day at this time, the baby is usually napping and the younger boys are due home during the time I'd be gone. He got mad at me that I couldn't come right now - I said, "Just hurry and go get on the bus" and he outright refused to do it and a few minutes later the bus left. He said I was being "unfair" and I don't care about him. He started swearing and then ended up hanging up on me and telling me he'd just walk. Its a mile and a half.

I waited until his brothers got here and went to find him (after I found my keys the baby lost earlier that is). He actually made it most of the way. He was not happy or thankful at all to see me, in fact he scowled at me and wouldn't speak to me. And in the logic of his mind, I made him walk home. I reminded him he chose that path when he hung up on me before we'd figured out what to do, but he can't see it. Arg! I am frustrated with him.

[Roar]

Do you know why he's resisting the bus so much? Is there a bullying situation going on?

[earthmama4]

Its because the bus drops him off a 1/2 mile down the road and he doesn't want to walk that far, he'd rather I pick him up.

[hillymum]

Is there any way you can organise a ride share for him? Half a mile walk isn't actually all that much, but maybe at the end of the day it is just too much for him? Is there any way you can move baby's nap tim so it's not so hard for you to collect him?

[earthmama4]

I can move baby's nap and wait till my other boys are home and then go get him, I just really don't want to. DS3 is very rigid and becomes a bear when we have to go somewhere after school. And it is freezing right now so bundling the baby up to go for a quick car ride is not my favorite activity. Plus he's not a car-seat baby, its a 50/50 chance he's going to fuss the whole way. Things would be so much smoother if he'd just get on the bus. Maybe I'll bribe him with extra allowance. His hyperfocus right now is the Ipod Touch he is saving for and money REALLY talks with him right now. Is that horrible?

Or...he is really, really wanting a cell phone, maybe I will agree to get him one IF he agrees to ride the bus home every day that I ask him to. I was wondering if that would help anyway (having a cell) with the anxiety he's having at school. Its a new school for him and he doesn't have friends yet (just started the friendship group today so fingers crossed) and he's been calling ALOT and kind of irritating the office staff who only let students use the phone in "emergencies or illness". I did explain his dx and they seemed understanding. But maybe a cell would help alleviate some anxiety and help us stay in touch during the day. I could let him know WAY in advance if he really needed to ride the bus or if it was a possible 'mom can pick me up' day. And we could text a bit during those uncomfortable times of day when he starts to feel anxious (lunch) and it would give me a chance to support him and know how the day is going and know whether to expect this or or after school. I like this idea! Money IS so tight, but I think we can add another phone for like $10 a month. That would be so worth it if it works!

[Kailey's mom]

Well, in your son's defense.. I was the same way. The bus was loud. If you are not sitting all the way in the back, kids will throw things at you. The bullying was horrid. It's a very insecure and scary place that I'm so glad I never have to experience again. When I did the SAME things you son did, and my mom finally came and got me *she would have to leave work* I was so pissed at her, because I honestly thought that she knew all the reasons why I hated the bus, and she didn't care. It wasn't until I was in my 20's that I realized what she did for me, and I still feel so bad I put her through it.

My advice: If school isn't too far away, what about letting him ride his bike? Or do you have a neighbor that would bring him to and from school, maybe for an exchange of your son ex: mowing their lawn etc. It can be a contract between your son and willing neighbor KWIM. My mom's friend Theresa did this when I was in highschool, for exchange of me babysitting a few hours/month.

Hang in there!

[hillymum]

If it's only 1.5 miles away I would drive durring this cold weather and see about him riding a bike after the weather warms up. Sorry, but if it's so cold you have to bundle your little one up, then it's too cold for a child to have to walk 1/2 mile from the bus stop.

[dairy2dogs]

Does your son have an IEP? Where we live the kids with special needs are bussed seprately and dropped off and picked up at their door if that's what they need. I would let the school know how much difficulty he's having with the current set up and see what they can do about it.

[Linda on the move]

There's really no way my 13 year old with sensory issues could ride the bus everyday. My typically developing 11 year old can barely stand it (she's tried it, now I drive them both).

We are thinking of trying the bus once a month this spring, just to see if we can develop it as an option. But if I made her do it everyday it would put her anxiety and other issues off the charts. She already has issues with school, the bus thing would make every thing else worse.

My 11 year old said there is a A LOT of swearing on the bus, so the fact that he swore at you over the bus issue makes sense to me. If you don't want to be talked to that way, surely you don't want him to be talked to that way, therefore, you don't want him to ride the bus everyday.

Lots of other options have been listed!

[earthmama4]

Please don't judge me too harshly, mamas. I am not trying to make it hard on him. He is so high-functioning in many ways that I probably expect more of him than he is able to give sometimes. I am still coming to grips with his very recent Aspergers dx and connecting behaviors to that rather than willful defiance or factors a typical teen might be motivated by. Clearly I still struggle with that - even the title of my thread suggests that his behavior is willful rather than a special need. I have 10 years of a certain way of thinking as a mom to undo so I really do appreciate the feedback.

I can see that his avoidance could be sensory and/or anxiety related as mentioned. It may just be too much for him to handle at the end of a school day and so he's coming up with excuses so he won't have to get on. This is a long term problem with him, for years he's lied to avoid things he doesn't want to do. I am trying to change my thinking to see his lying as a coping mechanism to avoid situations he finds overwhelming. And we are working with him to be able to say, "I am overwhelmed with this, I need help" rather than avoid it by lying, "Yeah, I did my math homework." or "I already brushed my teeth" when he didn't.

When I think about it from that angle, he probably does find the bus extremely anxiety-producing. He has only ridden it once, but he said it was really crowded. And even if its not the bus itself, but the 1/2 mile walk he objects to, it could be he is truly too tired to do that at the end of the day. He is a rather low-energy kid. He might really enjoy a bike ride in warmer weather though, great idea.

Regarding the IEP, no we don't have one yet. They have to do a few weeks of "interventions" so we are doing a tracker sheet for his school work and he is going to a friendship group run by the school psychologist for social skills. It would be lovely if he could have an IEP that would give him bus service. But for now, I am going to make arrangements to pick him up after school.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by earthmama4

Please don't judge me too harshly, mamas. I am not trying to make it hard on him. He is so high-functioning in many ways that I probably expect more of him than he is able to give sometimes. I am still coming to grips with his very recent Aspergers dx and connecting behaviors to that rather than willful defiance or factors a typical teen might be motivated by.

no judgement!

I personally find it difficult to sort out what is "special needs" stuff from "typical teen" stuff. My DD sees a private counselor and she's been VERY helpful in figuring out what are reasonable expectations. Sometimes, my DD is just being her age and just needs to be told to "deal with it."

Her counselor is very big on the idea that the more indepedant my DD is from me, the better. Her first choice would be to let your son ride his bike once the weather is good enough. One one hand, we need to be sensitive to what works for our kids and what doesn't, at the same time, this is the time in their lives when they are supposed to be learning to do things without us.

My DD also chats with the social worker at school twice a week about various school issues, which is helpful for her.

DD is opted out of the regular morning routine at the school (most of the kids wait in the gym for the day to start, and it's loud and chaotic). DD really can't handle loud and chaotic.

How is the friendship group going?

[earthmama4]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

no judgement!

I personally find it difficult to sort out what is "special needs" stuff from "typical teen" stuff. My DD sees a private counselor and she's been VERY helpful in figuring out what are reasonable expectations. Sometimes, my DD is just being her age and just needs to be told to "deal with it."

Her counselor is very big on the idea that the more indepedant my DD is from me, the better. Her first choice would be to let your son ride his bike once the weather is good enough. One one hand, we need to be sensitive to what works for our kids and what doesn't, at the same time, this is the time in their lives when they are supposed to be learning to do things without us.

My DD also chats with the social worker at school twice a week about various school issues, which is helpful for her.

DD is opted out of the regular morning routine at the school (most of the kids wait in the gym for the day to start, and it's loud and chaotic). DD really can't handle loud and chaotic.

How is the friendship group going?

We see a counselor too and I will ask him his take on the situation. I also think it is a good idea for DS to talk to the school counselor on a regular basis, perhaps that is something I can ask for in the IEP? Its nice to hear what other people are doing that works so I can have ideas of what to ask for. The counselor asked what services I am looking for and I honestly don't know what is available! Maybe I should start a thread on that....

The friendship group met for the first time yesterday, in fact I was worried the stomachache was anxiety related (he called right after they met) but he said he liked it. It is all girls except him. The counselor gave him the option of switching to another group that is already in progress but he declined that. He told me he just wants friends, he doesn't care their gender. Maybe girls might be easier to befriend anyway. He is not athletic and sometimes that is a barrier to male friendships.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by earthmama4

I also think it is a good idea for DS to talk to the school counselor on a regular basis, perhaps that is something I can ask for in the IEP?

I'm sure it works different ways in different places. Here there are some services that are only available with an IEP, but here seeing the school social worker isn't in that catagory. Any child can see the social worker with no red tape.

It works really well for my DD. DD has a very hard time initializing conversations, so DD just can't (at this time) talk to a teacher about getting make up work, a question on an assignment, etc. The social worker meets with her twice a week during her study hall and talks to her about her classes, checks her grades, and helps her with specific issues in classes, etc. Recently they've been working on strategies for when a teacher says "get a partner" or "break into groups of four." Those are really nightmare things for my DD.

Working with the social worker has been VERY helpful. DD was making mostly Cs and one F when they started working together, and now is making mostly As and one B. She is very bright, she has trouble with the social aspects of school (social meaning the ability to communicate with others, including teachers).

Its nice to hear what other people are doing that works so I can have ideas of what to ask for. The counselor asked what services I am looking for and I honestly don't know what is available!

me too. DD is wait listed for a new evaluation and then I want to get an IEP in place. I don't know what to ask for on it. Right now the school is doing lots of little things informally, but I want it all formalized incase we run into a brick wall teacher, move, or when she eventually goes on to high school.

The beginning of this school year was horriable so I'd like to get this in place so that even if something changes, she doesn't have to go back through that again.

He told me he just wants friends, he doesn't care their gender. Maybe girls might be easier to befriend anyway.

That's so sweet!