how to tactfully approach MIL?

[swtmama2be]

I live next door to my inlaws. They adore my children but MIL is very old school in terms of discipline. It is important to me to stay on good terms with MIL as we are neighbors and I do care for her a lot, but I don't like her constant reprimanding and controlling of my DD. She's a very orderly lady and likes to run a tight ship and she can be very passive aggressive and pious. She believes a child should "mind" her elders and can be quite militant (nothing physical, no yelling, just super strict) DD adores her....and it is mutual, MIL loves her dearly....She raised 6 boys basically alone and thinks she knows everything about parenting...i think the only way she could keep control was by becoming super strict. How can I tactfully ask her to lay off dd? TIA!

[PoppyMama]

As long as she is not abusive....

Your house your rules.

Her house her rules.

[Super_mommy]

Since she likes your DD, I don't see any problem arising.. Even your DD doesn't seem to have any objection then why are you so worried..

[swtmama2be]

hmmmm.....that is a good question. I guess the problem is that when MIL disciplines her she says things that are kind of shaming...like "you're a big girl....big girls don't cry...whine....misbehave, etc." sometimes she will imitate her crying or laugh at her crying. I'm worried dd will start covering up her authentic feelings. none of mils children are able to express "feelings" , in fact it is a HUGE problem in that family and a major issue between dh & I. Growing up, anytime DH or his brothers wanted to express any "negative" emotions they were punished aggressively (paddle, bycicles taken away and smashed, severe consequences!) SO, they learned to shut down any discontent and any attempt at honest communication.It's like feelings are taboo there or something. I don't want to deny my dd's feelings, and I don't want MIL to either. By the way, dd rarely misbehaves or cries there.......but anytime there is the slightest differentiation in what MIL wants to do & dd wants to do....she nips any discord in the bud.
I agree with the my house my rules, her house her rules usually. It is just that dd is there every day to visit so my worry is that MIL has quite an effect on the values dd will learn and on her self-esteem.
thanks for your responses and i am eager for more.

[Addy's Mom]

I'm by no means an expert, but my mother sounds identical to your MIL and I too don't express emotions....around my mother. Meaning, I can be my true self as long as I'm away from my mom.

My guess is that your daughter might do the same. While she may conform to your MIL's requirements in her house, you and your nuclear family are a MUCH more important influence on your daughter and the way she learns to express emotions, build self-esteem, etc.

If you don't see any behavioral changes, etc., in your child, I'd probably let it be for now.

[CharlieToaster]

I'd teach your child to appreciate the contrast. You'll be surprised, she'll realize the difference. My mom is the same way and my kids are used to my reasonable permissiveness. They pretty much ignore her. I remember years ago saying to my nephew "you know you don't have to do anything to make grandma happy, that's her busininess." His answer was "I know." And he did.

My nephews on my husbands side listen respectfully to my FIL's psycho-rigid rules. Then they turn around and do what they please.

Respect your inlaws for who they are and let the rules go. Kids don't like rules anyway. Respect the person, take the rules in stride.

[pauletoy]

Your MIL, like my MIL, is the way she was a long time before you and DD came along. If she is anything like my MIL, she believes she successfully raised her children so that makes her an expert. In my experience, you can not change the way your MIL behaves. She is pretty much who she was and who she will be. If you don't like the way she treats your dd then just come right out and tell her every.single.time but don't expect any long lasting change. This will probably be something you always have to address with her.
You need to demonstrate confidence in the way you are raising dd and never ever waiver with her. Any sign of weakness and she will see it as an opportunity to "help" you out with the discipline.

Just one question: Why doesn't your DH address this with his mother? It took my dh 5 years to be able to stand up to his mother with regards to parenting. I understand now that it is very hard for them to break free from that control thier parents have over them.

By the way, we lived next door to them peacefully for 7 years before our dd was born and then over night things just changed. We ended up moving not to get away from them but it sure did help.

Things are much better between us and MIL but it took my DH being the one to stand up to her.

Good luck, it is a difficult situation.

[traceface]

Originally Posted by swtmama2be

Growing up, anytime DH or his brothers wanted to express any "negative" emotions they were punished aggressively (paddle, bycicles taken away and smashed, severe consequences!)

To me, that is abusive

[Spirit Dancer]

Originally Posted by traceface

To me, that is abusive

Yes, it is but your MIL does not do this to your dd right? More just words?

I have to say I do not know of any way you could peacefully address this issue. Certainly criticizing her approach will not work. Have you ever tried just talking to her about the fact you want your dd to show emotions? You could try without personally pointing fingers at your MIL.

I would not worry that your dd will be harmed by your MIL's attitude. IN this area you and your dh will have the major impact. If she is safe to express emotions at home then she will continue to express them (plus no one is beating her for crying). If she is happy visiting your MIL I would not really worry about this issue to be honest. ONe of my gmas was like this and it never really phased me as a child. Children are very flexible usually.

[SparklingGemini]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

As long as she is not abusive....

Your house your rules.

Her house her rules.

Really?

So, if I take DD somewhere where there very philosophy is different than ours, I should just sit there and let DD do what she will because its not our home?

[BrittneyMarie]

I have to say I absolutely disagree with "her house, her rules"

YOUR child, YOUR rules

[JL83]

I tend to split the way other adults treat my DD into 2 categories. There's the stuff which I think is actually damaging and I put a stop to that. When my MIL called DD (who was 9 months at the time) "naughty" for exploring things, I put a stop to that.

Then there's the stuff that makes me but I don't think will have any lasting damage to DD beyond the damage it does to her relationship with the person. My MIL does alot of things that bother DD. She harps about jackets and mitts and crap like that. It's already becoming clear that DD would much rather spend time with my FIL than with MIL. We do our best to model to MIL ways that work better with DD. Like when they take her out somewhere, and my MIL starts in on how DD needs to wear her winter jacket (for the 10 feet to the car) rather than her fall one, I'll step in and suggest that she wear her fall one but they take her winter one and then if she's cold she can put it on.

But, my basic philosophy is that it's their relationship. None of that stuff will actually damage DD because what we do at home is the overwhelming influence. So I let it go and they'll work it out.

I would think hard about which category the stuff your MIL is doing falls into.

[JL83]

Originally Posted by BrittneyMarie

I have to say I absolutely disagree with "her house, her rules"

YOUR child, YOUR rules

How far do you take that?

My sister lets her kids climb all over their couch. But there's NO WAY I'm going to allow that at my house. At my house the couch is for sitting on and not playing.

Are you suggesting that at my house I should be obligated to let her children jump on my couch because that's the rule at their house? And at her house? Should my DD not be allowed to join her cousins in jumping on their couch because that's my rule?

[Addy's Mom]

Originally Posted by SparklingGemini

Really?

So, if I take DD somewhere where there very philosophy is different than ours, I should just sit there and let DD do what she will because its not our home?

If it were me, I'd remove my child from a situation I fundamentally disagree with....meet on more neutral territory if necessary.

[JL83]

Originally Posted by Addy's Mom

If it were me, I'd remove my child from a situation I fundamentally disagree with....meet on more neutral territory if necessary.

Me too.

I would not try to tell someone else what rules they could have in their own home. I would simply not allow my child to go there.

[PoppyMama]

I stand behind my feeling that people get to rule their own roost. Doesn't mean I have to comply with their wishes if I am at their house and I am always able to leave. If I felt another persons house rules were harmful to my child I would not leave them unchaperoned. A person mocking my crying child would not be cool with me and I would tell them, in my child's presence, that the reaction was cruel and inappropriate and then leave. I would let my child know that the person loved her very much but that I felt they had wrong ideas about how to treat people when they are upset and I would let my child know they could call me (I would probably send them with a cell if they were ever alone there) and I would come get them. She can spend time with her gma but can also know that she doesn't deserve or have to put up with cruel treatment.

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by JL83

Me too.

I would not try to tell someone else what rules they could have in their own home. I would simply not allow my child to go there.

I also want to add, it doesn't seem like OP's daughter is being harmed by grandma's rules especially since she loves being with her. Unless she starts disciplining her the way she disciplined her own children it sounds like OP's DD is fortunate to have a grandma she adores so much.

I think it's good for children to experience the differences of others as they grow older.

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by JL83

Me too.

I would not try to tell someone else what rules they could have in their own home. I would simply not allow my child to go there.

I mean this with all sincerity and not at all in a smart-alec way.


How on Earth will your children learn about how to deal with people who have differences, if you don't allow them around those people?

I don't mean that your child should be abused or mistreated. I am talking differences like the example above, with jumping on the furniture, etc.

In the real world, there will be rules and laws that your kids may not agree with. Employers are not going to care if they agree or not.

[JL83]

Originally Posted by TinkerBelle

I mean this with all sincerity and not at all in a smart-alec way.


How on Earth will your children learn about how to deal with people who have differences, if you don't allow them around those people?

I don't mean that your child should be abused or mistreated. I am talking differences like the example above, with jumping on the furniture, etc.

In the real world, there will be rules and laws that your kids may not agree with. Employers are not going to care if they agree or not.

Oh - I completely agree. If you read my other posts in this thread you'll see that I'm all for letting kids navigate their own relationships.

What I mean was that if I really strongly objected to a rule someone else had - let's say they had a rule where kids had to eat everything on their plate at meal times - I wouldn't tell my child they had to do that. But I also wouldn't try to tell the other person they had to change their rule. I would probably see if they would make an exception for my child, and if they wouldn't, my child would spend very little time over there and none without me.

My example used my couch. I could care less that my sister lets her kids jump on their couch. My rule is that we sit on my couch. If she doesn't want to enforce that with her kids when she's here, or doesn't want me to enforce it when she's not - then the only option (in my mind) is to not have her kids over. I don't think it would be reasonable (even when her kids were little) for me to change my rules for them.

[khaoskat]

Originally Posted by BrittneyMarie

I have to say I absolutely disagree with "her house, her rules"

YOUR child, YOUR rules

I ditto this.

I have put my foot down with my IL's, I will not allow them to do 3/4 of the stuff I have seen them to do my nieces. I don't care if it is their house or mine. These are my children, and this is how we discipline. If you don't like it, there is the door at my house, and I will more than gladly leave your house.

We had huge issues at Christmas with this. I understand the house was crowded with people, but you have a 8-6-4-2-2-1 1/4 also there. They were stuck inside because you insist Christmas be at your house, and your yard is not a safe place for kids unsupervised.

Don't yell at them for being kids, which was happening by everyone but their parents. Politely tell them or remind them, we don't run in the house, we don't yell in the house, we don't leave the toys all over the place.

Also, don't disrespect my interaction with my child. If I tell them something, don't sit there right in front of me and contradict what I tell them.