how to tactfully approach MIL? - Page 2

[KristaDJ]

This isn't an issue of being strict or an issue of her house her rules. Your daughter goes to your MIL's everyday? And your MIL shames her, everyday? Everytime she expresses emotion? She tells her "bug girls don't cry?". She LAUGHS AT HER CRYING? I would have my husband tell her how damaging that sort of talk is and let her know that she needs to stop or she won't be seeing DD alone anymore. If you are with her when she says/does those things you need to stand up for your daughter. Those words ARE damaging. You can not have someone important to your child tell them that their emotions are not real or not valid on a regular basis and not cause some sort of emotional damage. Your feelings about this being harmful to your daughter are right, mama. Kids who are taught to stuff their feelings learn to do exactly that and will likely cause huge problems later on.

[swtmama2be]

Thanks everyone for your responses. That gives me a lot to think about. Just to clarify, MIL was physically & verbally abusive with her children, not dd. She has mellowed quite a bit with age, she just cannot stand things out of order.

We model very open communication in our household as does her other grandparents, and our larger community, so I think many of you are right that it wont affect her. As a pp mentioned, my grandmother was very rigid and it annoyed me, and I thought she was strict, but I never took it on. 95% of the time MIL colors & reads to and plays with DD. She's honored all of my requests for no tv, healthy snacks, etc. I think I will continue to be a compassionate advocate for dd when things are said I don't feel comfortable with (I already do this) but I don't think I will say anything to "criticize" MIL, as that will only damage a relationship with someone who I would like to be close to.

Seriously, it can't be bothering her too much or she wouldn't beg to go over there everyday, right? Maybe as she becomes more sensitive to it, she won't choose to be there so often. By the way, grandma doesn't hold back on the "I love yous" and hugs and stuff like that, she is just super quick to discipline and doesn't like any back talk and disagreement. She prides herself on getting her grandchildren (she has 12) to "mind". I wish she would just pride herself on having g.children that want to spend time with her.

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by khaoskat

I ditto this.

I have put my foot down with my IL's, I will not allow them to do 3/4 of the stuff I have seen them to do my nieces. I don't care if it is their house or mine. These are my children, and this is how we discipline. If you don't like it, there is the door at my house, and I will more than gladly leave your house.

We had huge issues at Christmas with this. I understand the house was crowded with people, but you have a 8-6-4-2-2-1 1/4 also there. They were stuck inside because you insist Christmas be at your house, and your yard is not a safe place for kids unsupervised.

Don't yell at them for being kids, which was happening by everyone but their parents. Politely tell them or remind them, we don't run in the house, we don't yell in the house, we don't leave the toys all over the place.

Also, don't disrespect my interaction with my child. If I tell them something, don't sit there right in front of me and contradict what I tell them.

[lab]

I think some posters are disagreeing over two different points.

House Rules and
Disciplinary Rules


I will respect someone's house rules (sofa jumping) but will back my kids up if they try to discipline them differently than I do.... same thing at my house. I don't want the neighbor kids running through my house - but I'm not gonna comment if the neighbor kid is talking back to his mom.

Make sense?

[BrittneyMarie]

Originally Posted by JL83

How far do you take that?

My sister lets her kids climb all over their couch. But there's NO WAY I'm going to allow that at my house. At my house the couch is for sitting on and not playing.

Are you suggesting that at my house I should be obligated to let her children jump on my couch because that's the rule at their house? And at her house? Should my DD not be allowed to join her cousins in jumping on their couch because that's my rule?

this is different than the op's issue of how her child is treated. if it's ok to jump on the couch at your sisters house, fine. its your sisters couch. but your dd doesn't want to jump on the couch it's not ok for your sister to, say, call your dd "weird" or make fun of her for not wanting to, kwim?

[boheime]

As a small child, I loved my grandmother very much and wanted to spend time with her, but she was very emotionally and verbally abusive. It still affects me today.

[SquishyKitty]

Honestly if she raised 6 boys on her own, I'd expect that she does know quite a bit about parenting and just it go. She loves your DD, your DD loves her, and your DD will likely not remember anything except that love and have great memories of her grandmother.

[Cetan Luta]

Compromise

I had a similar but opposite problem with my parents. They went the opposite route, and allowed my kids to do lots of things at their house, that we did not allow at our house. At first I didn't see the harm in letting Gma and Gpa spoil the grandkids a little, but when they started visiting once or more a week, their rules began to affect our rules. My kids started making it clear that the message they were receiving was that Mom and Dad were unreasonable for not doing the same things, and that our rules only applied in our presence (big problem). It began taking most of the time until their next visit to straighten out some of the behavior. For example: Our house sword fighting is a no-no because my boys are 5 years apart and I don't want baby losing an eye because big brother got excited or vice versa. (we still have this problem 2 years later! all because Gpa thought son needed an outlet for his sword fighting desire)

Sooo it fell upon me (as they are my parents) to have a polite discussion with them about how now that they are seeing the kids more often, how they deal with them at their house has a larger impact on their long term behavior than if you spoil them once a year at Christmas like a lot of grandparents. Since I have wonderful parents, we had a nice discussion about wayswe could compromise and allow some spoiling and granparents house priveleges, while trying to back up Mom and Dad's authority and child rearing beliefs. It was very hard to start the talk, but we all felt better when we had worked it out. We still had to work out certain issues, remind them of which rules were most important to us, and comproise on some of our beleifs for the sake of their relationship. In the end, it helped a lot, and didn't fix eveything.

I think it is only fair to expect our parenting beliefs to be considered in the way others deal with our children, while we must respect how others parenting beliefs affect how they interact as well, and look for compromises and win win situations so that we may work Together cooperatively with those who help us raise our children (whether they realize that is what they are doing or not). Sorry it took so much space to get all that out. Either way you have my complete sympathy for your frustration, and hope you can find gentle solutions which will work for all involved.

[JessicaS]

Originally Posted by swtmama2be

hmmmm.....that is a good question. I guess the problem is that when MIL disciplines her she says things that are kind of shaming...like "you're a big girl....big girls don't cry...whine....misbehave, etc." sometimes she will imitate her crying or laugh at her crying. I'm worried dd will start covering up her authentic feelings. none of mils children are able to express "feelings" , in fact it is a HUGE problem in that family and a major issue between dh & I. Growing up, anytime DH or his brothers wanted to express any "negative" emotions they were punished aggressively (paddle, bycicles taken away and smashed, severe consequences!) SO, they learned to shut down any discontent and any attempt at honest communication.It's like feelings are taboo there or something. I don't want to deny my dd's feelings, and I don't want MIL to either. By the way, dd rarely misbehaves or cries there.......but anytime there is the slightest differentiation in what MIL wants to do & dd wants to do....she nips any discord in the bud.
I agree with the my house my rules, her house her rules usually. It is just that dd is there every day to visit so my worry is that MIL has quite an effect on the values dd will learn and on her self-esteem.
thanks for your responses and i am eager for more.

I would discuss that with her. I don't think shaming is ok. I would be really concerned about my child being spoken to that way.

Big girls do whine, cry, and misbehave, at least I do. Sometimes we feel badly or are having a bad day. It is ok to have those feelings.

Sure whining can be annoying, but I tend to make a joke rather than shame. I might start using whiney voice too if there is too much whining.

My parents tend to be a lot more relaxed as grandparents than they were with their kids as well.