What to do with a pre-schooler obsessed with "image"?

[Smalls181]

I have no idea how this happened, but my daughter is 3 (4 in March) and seems to not like other little girls that "arent pretty." What do I do?! Things like Barbies and Princess have been moderately, at most, present in our home. Any tips on how to get her to focus more on inner beauty and not on the outside?

I feel so ashamed, like its my fault. Like somehow I have been teaching her, subtly, to focus on that sort of stuff. I do tell DD often how beautiful she is, but I also tell her how kind and loving and caring she is.. and smart, and funny, and that I love to be around her. I dont feel like we have ever focused on physical appearances in our household. Where is this coming from?

[Gentle~Mommy :)]

Is she watching TV or commercials?

[philomom]

I would bring some fabulous older person into her life who is scarred in some way. Then, she sees that beauty is who you are inside, who you become and the friends who you bring into your life.

[Kailey's mom]

I don't think it's your fault. What I would personally do (my dd is the same age) is as gently as possible, start getting rid of the barbie/princess things. She may be connecting fancy dresses, tiarra's, whatever barbie wears lol.. with the word "pretty"; or be creative and make barbie some clothes that are, well, normal. I'm not creative lol.

Also, start some conversations ,say on the way home from preschool like " did you see (girl she doesn't like's) eyes. I love the color of her eyes, what about you?

[Swandira]

First, this is not your fault. You didn't do this to her.

Second, there's no reason to assume it's permanent. Concepts like "inner beauty" are difficult for three-year-olds to grasp. "Pretty," however, is definitely something they feel they can judge.

Third, three-year-olds go through obsessive phases. My three-year-old is finally coming out of her "green" phase. Everything had to be green. Green cup, green bowl, green dress, green underwear, green food (that was a bonus!), green toys. Whatever was green was better than whatever was some other color. I asked her what her purpose in life was, and she told me, "To find green things." Anyway, it's entirely possible "pretty"-appreciation is your kid's purpose right now.

If it was my kid doing this, I'd ask her to tell me what she thought was pretty/not pretty about a person or thing. I would not try to force my own opinion on her, but would just get her to talk about it. I would try not to freak out, because she's three and therefore not a master of insight into the human condition yet. I would also go to the library and get some books from the Fancy Nancy series by Jane O'Connor. Those are about a little girl who is obsessed with all things "fancy," and she keeps finding things that she likes that she wouldn't initially have seen as ideally fancy. Also, she's always learning that some things are even better than fancy, like her parents' love for her. It's a really great series of books that might really speak to your daughter right now.

Anyway, I hope it gets better, and don't blame yourself. She's just little, and she can grow out of this.

Nealy
mama to Thales, 7; Lydia, almost 4; and Odin, 12 months

[One_Girl]

I don't think that you or barbie did this to her. I think she is in the fancy stage, it is a normal stage for many kids. Does she only want to play with kids who are interested in playing princess and dress up, or does she refuse to play with ugly kids? I think there is a difference between wanting to play the game you are interested in and not wanting to play with ugly kids. At three she is just coming into a stage where she is ready for cooperative play with other kids and she may just not have the patience to play anything other than what she is interested in playing. My dd would play alone if her friends wouldn't play whatever she was interested in playing whether that was princess, horses, mommy, doctor, or car mechanic. She has also had obsessions with being fancy, being a horse rider, being a mom, being a doctor, and playing with only cars. She became much better at cooperative play as she aged though. If you are really worried then I think you should read her the Ugly Duckling and talk to her about it. Some books showing kids working out conflicts in their play may and more playdates may also help.

[pigpokey]

I would just correct her along the lines of "we don't focus on external beauty" and move on without worrying about it more than anything else we need to help our kids with, like nose picking in public, at this point. She's too young to know better, that's all. I don't know what verbage would be most useful in your house. I have been known to point out "pretty is as pretty does" though not always with those words when the concept came up in movies or books we are watching. A lot of time in movies there will be really pretty girls who are mean and I will say that they are not so pretty because of their behavior but so and so character is beautiful on the inside where it counts.

[Think of Winter]

I had something similar happen when my ds was about that age. Imo, it was a developmental stage, and not a sign that something was wrong. He was frightened by a distant relative who had dark skin and black hair, and for quite a while said he didn't like people with dark skin. Pretty upsetting for us, but it wasn't about him becoming a racist. It was a 3 yr old trying to understand his fears and instincts. The relative in question is a little off putting, and not just because of his appearance (by appearance I'm not referring to his skin color or hair color.) Ds was trying to figure out what it was that frightened him. Ds still doesn't want to be around that relative, but he no longer mentions people's skin color or hair color in reference to how he feels about them.

Anyway, it's good to be conscious of how your dc perceive other people, and that a person's behavior tells you a lot more about them than what they look like. But at 3, a child can't articulate what it is about a person that makes them uncomfortable. She could say "not pretty" and mean "I just don't feel comfortable with that person. I don't know why." Just telling a child not to judge a person by their appearance takes away, or at least diminishes, one of their best methods of protecting themselves. I highly recommend Protecting the Gift.

Hts! Just another pov.

[Smalls181]

Originally Posted by Think of Winter

I had something similar happen when my ds was about that age. Imo, it was a developmental stage, and not a sign that something was wrong. He was frightened by a distant relative who had dark skin and black hair, and for quite a while said he didn't like people with dark skin. Pretty upsetting for us, but it wasn't about him becoming a racist. It was a 3 yr old trying to understand his fears and instincts. The relative in question is a little off putting, and not just because of his appearance (by appearance I'm not referring to his skin color or hair color.) Ds was trying to figure out what it was that frightened him. Ds still doesn't want to be around that relative, but he no longer mentions people's skin color or hair color in reference to how he feels about them.

Anyway, it's good to be conscious of how your dc perceive other people, and that a person's behavior tells you a lot more about them than what they look like. But at 3, a child can't articulate what it is about a person that makes them uncomfortable. She could say "not pretty" and mean "I just don't feel comfortable with that person. I don't know why." Just telling a child not to judge a person by their appearance takes away, or at least diminishes, one of their best methods of protecting themselves. I highly recommend Protecting the Gift.

Hts! Just another pov.

This does help a lot. The more I think about it, the more I realize that she doesnt like this one particular girl, and any other girls who look like her. The girl in question is a little, um, different... Its hard for me to pinpoint it, so its probably even harder for her.

Thank you very much. Oh, and I have read that book. Love it!!!

[haleyelianasmom]

Ack, I was just going to post something similar. I honestly am thinking that it is just a natural attraction. I was shocked when over the summer my daughter came out of dance class talking about "the girl with the earrings" and how she liked her better that "the girl with the bow because [she] liked her face better" And I rarely wear make-up, but she wiil seek out my one container of blush and coat her face with it. She asks my mom to put lip gloss on her, she asks my sister to do her make-up, and she was totally loving the drag queen we saw on tv new year's eve (and asked my sister to do her make-up like that).

For the record, I rarely wear make-up, we have no barbies or moxie dolls or anything like that, we don't have cable and don't watch much tv. Although we watch Glee online and she has for some reason taken a liking to Emma Pilsbury (and asked if she looked "pretty like Emma" and asked for a haircut and some make-up like Emma... argh).

I guess my feelings are that maybe kids are naturally attracted to the vibrant and "beautiful" and sparkly, but we just need to make sure we don't reinforce it. I think limiting screen time may help. Society in general is all about the superficial and it's hard for kids to NOT be exposed to the emphasis on physical beauty and sparkly things and big money. I just hope I can have SOME influence over her in realizing that's not what it's all about.

[JL83]

Just so you know. I've met quite a few 100% TV free, Barbie free, princess free little girls who are just as obsessed with being pretty/fancy as it sounds like your DD is.

Our playgroup has alot of kids in it who don't have any exposure to commercial things, but they still fight over the 1 sparkly fancy pink homemade dress-up dress that's available.

[Porcelain Interior]

My oldest daughter went through a stage where she was worried that girls would have "dressed prettier than mine" and things like that.

She's 14 now and she is a no make up- no fussy hair, comfortable clothes only kind of girl. She's not into makeup or boys or preening at all.

I think it can definitely be a phase. It's a great time to introduce inner beauty, and how everyone has a different concept of beauty. In very simple comments of course, she's only 3.

Don't worry!