Lying 6yo

[unschoolinmom]

Hopefully I can get some help with this.

My dd who is 6 has been lying a lot lately. I do not understand why and when I ask, she whines and jumps up and down, but never answers.

How can I break this bad habit of lying?

[Spirit Dancer]

What are some examples of her lying? Is she scared to say the truth, being defiant or what?
I would say the refusing to answer and jumping up and down are her ways of avoiding answering you. It seems to be working.

[unschoolinmom]

She's got her 6 yo molars and two bottom teeth coming in at the same time. So she's been putting things in her mouth and spitting on toys. We've given her things to help with the soreness. But spitting on her toys is something that I do not want her doing. Especially when other kids or her brother picks up the items and they're soaked in spit.

So I'll ask her who spit on her toy. First she'll say her brother. He'll get upset and say it was her. Then when I ask again, she cries and jumps up and down.

I try to reason with her, telling her I'm not mad, I just want to know who did this and it's not a problem. But she won't. Eventually, I take the item and if it's too ruined to be saved, I toss it, or put it away to be cleaned.

Pretty much she's placing blame on her little brother even if he's not around to have done what I or dh are asking about.

[KatWozBlue]

I read an article somewhere about how it is perfectly developmentally normal for 5-7 year olds especially to lie. My 6 year old has been doing it lately, my husband pretends he has secret cameras filming him when its something that we really need to discipline him for such as tripping his sister and she falls hard on the floor, etc.

What the article said which I thought was interesting was that it was important to not focus so much on the lie, but on what they did that they are now lieing about. Of course you acknowledge the lie and discuss the importance of telling the truth, etc, but then its time to focus on the behavior, i.e. the spitting or my case doing something to his sister.

It's not a perfect solution, but if I can get him to stop torturing his sister then maybe he will stop lieing about it :-).

[Materfamilias]

Yeah we went through this stage too. Annoying. I learned from a mom here to not set the child up by asking a question I already know the answer to, especially when there might be a chance he'd want to lie about it.
Once I stopped doing that DS got a lot better.
Is there something your DD prefers to chew on? Can y'all compromise on something she can chew?

[unschoolinmom]

She's a thumbsucker already, but we've actually given her a teething ring for those back molars. They really hurt and that makes her feel the best. She also has her "baby" that she chews on the fingers of. I don't mind the chewing, it's the spitting.

I've picked up ds's soldier boots only to have a puddle of spit fall out of them. I will try to not ask the questions I already know the question to. Never thought of that. Thanks for the suggestion.

[NellieKatz]

My son is 6 now and earlier this year he was telling us things that weren't true. He would say the thing, and we'd fall for it, and then not too long afterward, he'd confess. :-)
I think he was trying out his creative power (he is VERY creative). He seems to be over it now.

But that being said, we've never been hyper-punishy, or accusatory, or prone to blowing up at accidents or broken items, or anything like that....what I mean is he wouldn't feel compelled to lie, as we never really put him "up against the wall," so to speak. I think that if we did, he'd probably try it in order to get out of whatever kind of punishment we had up our sleeve. (That's pretty common in kids, isn't it?)

[gingsengmom]

I too think this is a developmental stage and will pass as you continue to guide her. Perhaps after speaking to her, she can clean the item{s} she messed up instead of you. If she destroys an item, say her brother's, then maybe one of her favorite items can be taken away for a time. Let her draw a picture saying she is sorry and give to him. This will show her there are consequences for doing things.

My son loved jello and looked forward to it after every meal. When he entered the lying stage I told him during dinner he could have jello afterwards. Then after dinner when he asked for the jello, I told him he could not have it. Although I did give it to him later on, I wanted him to understand what it meant to be dishonest, especially when someone believes in you. We talked about it, and he got the message. The emphasis was always on telling the truth. As long as he told the truth, he was never punished for whatever he did that was wrong. Yes, we spoke about the issue, but I always praised him for telling the truth.

[Spirit Dancer]

In a case like the spitting issue, if you know it was her don't even ask her then. You can still address the topic with her but I would not ask if it was her when you know it was. Then she cannot lie.
What about giving her a can or something she can spit in?

[unschoolinmom]

To be honest, I don't want her spitting at all. It's affecting her friendships with the other little girls. And I certainly don't want her ending up alone because of something as simple as a bad habit. I know you can't break a bad habit, you can only replace it with a good one, so we'll have to find an alternative.

It's good to know that this is just a developmental stage. I love her ability to create stories and plays. I just want to make sure she begins to understand that dishonesty can lead to hurt feelings and no friends. Without her having to find out the hard way.

[sapphire_chan]

Instead of "don't spit at all" which might be physically difficult (swallowing mucousy saliva can cause sore throats for one thing), I'd concentrate on giving her appropriate ways to spit.

For instance, I'd get her a pack of tissues and tell her to use one of those when she feels a need to spit, just like she'd use one for blowing her nose. And I'd have her practice holding it up discreetly to her mouth. If she runs out of tissues, she can use a bathroom sink or toilet.

I don't like the can idea because that's too much like people who chew and can't be conveniently carried in a pocket while playing.

[nd_deadhead]

Here are my thoughts:

Lying: As others have said, don't provide opportunities for lying if you can help it. Instead of "who did this", focus on the factual situation, such as "Yuck, this toy is slimy. I need you to help me clean it up". She knows she spit on it; she knows you know. And now she needs to deal with the consequences - washing the toy. The same goes for most lies (assuming you know the truth) - you take a non-judgemental approach, and deal with fixing whatever it is - something broken, someone hurt, a mess to clean up. Ask her "What do you think needs to happen now?" If she doesn't come up with an appropriate answer (it needs to be cleaned up, her brother needs a hug), you can offer suggestions. The key is to try to do it without getting mad.

She does need to understand that lying is a bad habit, and that people can only trust her is she tells the truth.

Spitting - she is old enough to understand that spitting is a bad habit. My sons chewed their fingernails, and we worked together to find ways to break the habit - finding alternative things to do with their hands, working out a signal to let them know they were doing it. I like the idea of getting your dd to spit into something else (as a temporary fix), but getting her to stop completely would be better. Is it something she started when the teeth started coming in, and it turned into a habit, or is she still generating a lot of saliva she needs to get rid of?

Learning ho to turn bad habits into good ones at this age is a very useful tool later in life!

[denimtiger]

All of the previous posters have had great advice, and I don't have time to write much. But I will add that when kids are lying, and you are (reasonably) certain that you know they are, I think it's okay to respond to the child with "I don't believe you." And then to matter-of-factly continue with however you would respond to the truth if they gave it to you.

"I don't believe you," is a factual statement of how YOU are feeling and interpreting the situation. It doesn't give a chance to continue along with the lie. It is effective to use also when a child has been lying frequently. "That may be true, but I'm having a hard time trusting what you say lately, and right now I don't believe you, so I need you to..." Follow up later with a discussion about honesty and how it affects the way people perceive what we say.

[unschoolinmom]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Instead of "don't spit at all" which might be physically difficult (swallowing mucousy saliva can cause sore throats for one thing), I'd concentrate on giving her appropriate ways to spit.

For instance, I'd get her a pack of tissues and tell her to use one of those when she feels a need to spit, just like she'd use one for blowing her nose. And I'd have her practice holding it up discreetly to her mouth. If she runs out of tissues, she can use a bathroom sink or toilet.

I don't like the can idea because that's too much like people who chew and can't be conveniently carried in a pocket while playing.

I like the idea of a tissue to help slowly wean her away from it. And yes, I have started to not ask if she did it or not, especially if I know she did and just have her help me clean it up.

She did it again today, so I didn't say anything, just had her clean it off. She later came to me and said she was sorry for spitting.

Originally Posted by nd_deadhead

Here are my thoughts:

Lying: As others have said, don't provide opportunities for lying if you can help it. Instead of "who did this", focus on the factual situation, such as "Yuck, this toy is slimy. I need you to help me clean it up". She knows she spit on it; she knows you know. And now she needs to deal with the consequences - washing the toy. The same goes for most lies (assuming you know the truth) - you take a non-judgemental approach, and deal with fixing whatever it is - something broken, someone hurt, a mess to clean up. Ask her "What do you think needs to happen now?" If she doesn't come up with an appropriate answer (it needs to be cleaned up, her brother needs a hug), you can offer suggestions. The key is to try to do it without getting mad.

She does need to understand that lying is a bad habit, and that people can only trust her is she tells the truth.

Spitting - she is old enough to understand that spitting is a bad habit. My sons chewed their fingernails, and we worked together to find ways to break the habit - finding alternative things to do with their hands, working out a signal to let them know they were doing it. I like the idea of getting your dd to spit into something else (as a temporary fix), but getting her to stop completely would be better. Is it something she started when the teeth started coming in, and it turned into a habit, or is she still generating a lot of saliva she needs to get rid of?

Learning ho to turn bad habits into good ones at this age is a very useful tool later in life!

Yes, and I'm wondering if that has something to do with it. I've been rubbing stuff on them to help her, so hopefully once they're in, the saliva will decrease.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by unschoolinmom

I like the idea of a tissue to help slowly wean her away from it. And yes, I have started to not ask if she did it or not, especially if I know she did and just have her help me clean it up.

She did it again today, so I didn't say anything, just had her clean it off. She later came to me and said she was sorry for spitting.

That's a terrific sign!

[brownskinchinee]

lol I'm sorry but your post made me laugh (not that what you're going thru is funny at all) my dd just turned 7 and she lies too...real obvious lies. i'll ask her if she's lying and she'll look at me and say "nope". it's just a developmental stage imo. as long as you keep calling her on the lies and letting her know that they're not acceptable she'll be fine.

[Pookietooth]

Mine has too. Maybe it's the age of lying?