Is it Ok to tell the child "I'm sad"

[joanna0707]

A friend of mine brought up a very interesting topic today
Is it OK to tell children that we feel sad because of their actions, only when we really feel sad of course. I always try to tell DS how others feel because of our actions but I don't want to make DS feel guilty and I don't want it to sound like accusation. Is it better to word it differently?

[Peppermint Poppies]

Subbing.

I told DS that I was sad this morning. He ripped up a gift that I had bought for him with great love and thought attached to it. I was genuinely sad and told him so. I didn't say it to guilt him into apologising (although he did say sorry) or to make him feel sad too. I was just expressing my emotions as I experienced them in the moment. Intuitively it felt OK to do at the time, and our exchange felt respectful towards each other. However I'm interested to hear others' opinions on this.

[Grace and Granola]

I think it is a great thing to do when it's genuine. We always talk about wanting our children to express their feelings with words, but I know alot of the time I don't model that well. I do not think it's appropriate when my MIL tells my kids that she's sad because they didn't eat their dinner. I think that is manipulative and dishonest. But I would love to try to be more honest about my own feelings of being sad, hurt, frustrated instead of stuffing my feelings and eventually just ending up MAD.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I think saying "I feel sad because my favorite lamp is broken" is different from saying "I feel sad because you broke my favorite lamp." I think its okay to express sadness the first way, but not so much the second way.

[Marsupialmom]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

I think saying "I feel sad because my favorite lamp is broken" is different from saying "I feel sad because you broke my favorite lamp." I think its okay to express sadness the first way, but not so much the second way.

I agree with this.


I also think it does not hurt to say "I am sad right now. We will talk when I feel better".

[TopHat]

Not completely related, but I'm pregnant and sometimes I'm an emotional wreck. I'll read something on the Internet that makes me cry and my 21 month old will come up and ask me, "Sad?" I usually reply, "Yes, I'm sad. It's ok to be sad sometimes."

I want her to know it's ok to be sad because I grew up in a house that was very anti-emotion. Even happy, excited emotions meant that you were "nervous." Seriously. When my DH came to meet my parents, I was excited to show him the area I grew up and my dad reprimanded me for acting "nervous."

Anyway, I want my home to be a place where emotions are welcome, so I try to be honest with my daughter and let her know that emotions are ok- even "negative" ones, though of course it wouldn't be ok to hurt someone if you're angry.

[mamazee]

It's good for kids to see our emotions and see how we deal with them. They get strong emotions and it helps them learn to deal with theirs.

Now, having said that, I do not think it's OK to use guilt as a form of punishment. I think that leads to unhealthy relationships.

[catters]

I think it's definitely good to let your children see your emotions. Like a previous poster commented, it's not good to manipulate your child with it, but they should know that if you are sad -genuinely sad- because of something they did, you shouldn't hide it. As in, I like the idea of saying, "I'm sad because the lamp is broken". They'll put it together without you saying, "YOU made me sad". Now, when my kids are older, I am sure that when the inevitable, "You're ruining my life!" "I hate you!" comes out - even I said crap like that and I LOVE(D) my parents deeply- I will more than likely say, "It makes me sad to hear you say that".

[skueppers]

I think children learn best by modeling, not by explicit instruction. So if I want my kids to learn how to manage their own emotions, they need to see the strategies I use to manage my own. I don't think there's anything wrong with using words to express my feelings to them -- after all, I want them to be able to put words to their own feelings.

I do think it's important not to make kids feel responsible for your emotions. But it seems to me that's less likely to happen when we give voice to our feelings and demonstrate how we manage them, rather than leaving our kids to guess.

[octobermom]

I'm fine and think its "good" to tell my child I'm sad because of this... feeling are real and just like its okay for my DD to feel mad or sad or great and giggly I have the same "rights". What I avoid is the YOU MADE ME "sad/ mad ect" statement because they do not have that power.
So I might say I'm sad I'm sad that the plate broke it was a gift from Daddy. (and going by her reaction might relect her feelings remind her that SHE is still much more important ect)
I won't say..
I'm sad YOU MADE ME sad because you touched Mommys special plate after we said No and now it is broke.

Deanna

[laila2]

todays example

Today my 3.5 yo ds said he did not want to go to day care, and come with me. I told him he would not like it at my work, and I would continually have to tell him no, and not to touch things, and at the end of the day we would both be sad. He got it, but still wanted to come with me.

In all out honesty, I do cry in front of my kids, and tell them when I am sad or 'frustrated'. I do point out that I get sadder or less polite, the more I have to tell them to do the thing I want them to do.

[One_Girl]

I tell my dd how her actions make me feel and she does to same for me. I don't do it to make her feel guilty (though sometimes it is hard to hold back) and I don't make it a long and continuous dialogue, but I do think that it is fine for her to know when her actions do affect other people in both positive and negative ways. I am okay with her feeling bad about doing something though. I don't try to make her feel bad, usually those feelings come from her because something goes so against our values that she feels bad about doing it.

[bendingbirch]

You know, I think the important thing about being sad or being angry in front of our children is that opportunity to show them it is okay to feel that way, that all feelings are acceptable, and especially with something like anger, how do we transform that genuine emotion into something that is constructive?

I think it is also important to recognize that no one can "make" us sad or angry per se, many times there are other emotions underneath there (think the NonViolent Communications paradigm) but how to express that and how a person can help make a restitution toward that. With children, I think it is okay to say, "Your sister is sad because her train is broken" (if the younger one broke a train, for example) but then the transforming piece of this would be the restitution part, the how do we make this right again part. That is an important piece I think in parenting and working with children that they see they have power to "fix" something more in actions than in words.

Great thread.

[joanna0707]

Thank you for all the replies, they all are great and so thoughtful

Bendingbirch you've made a great point, it is important to give children the opportunity to "fix" their mistakes.

[ann_of_loxley]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

I think saying "I feel sad because my favorite lamp is broken" is different from saying "I feel sad because you broke my favorite lamp." I think its okay to express sadness the first way, but not so much the second way.

I agree with this as well. I think you really have to watch how you say it. You can even replace the feeling of 'sad' with any other feeling such as 'angry' or 'frustrated'. Phrases that basically say 'You make me feel sad' are best avoided. But I think letting our children know how we feel is a good thing - it lets them know we have feelings too, helps them understand their own feelings and how we all connect togther. After all - we may be parents but we are also human!

[nd_deadhead]

Lots of good input!

My kids are older (15), so we handle things a little differently, but not much. One thing I say sometimes is "it hurts my feelings when..." you say something mean, or don't do something I asked you to do, etc. While we do NOT have the power to "make" someone else sad or mad, I think kids need to understand that their actions DO have an effect on other people.

And I completely agree that we, as parents, need to show our kids that emotions are OK. I've often told my kids that they can't help how they feel, but they can help how they react to those feelings. Showing them that I go to my room when I'm mad, or cry when I'm sad, and talking about how I move through or beyond those strong emotions is extremely important.

[joanna0707]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

I think saying "I feel sad because my favorite lamp is broken" is different from saying "I feel sad because you broke my favorite lamp." I think its okay to express sadness the first way, but not so much the second way.

Can anyone explain to me, please, why saying "I feel bad because you broke my lamp" is not OK ?

[MusicianDad]

I tell the kids when I feel sad, and I tell them what made me sad. I make sure not to put the whole burden of my emotions on them though.

Originally Posted by joanna0707

Can anyone explain to me, please, why saying "I feel bad because you broke my lamp" is not OK ?

It puts the focus on the child and not the actual reason for feeling bad. When you say "I feel bad because you broke my lamp" it translates to "I feel bad because of you!" It's a blame thing. It puts your feelings on their shoulders.
When you say "I feel bad because my lamp is broken" it translates to "The lamp broke, mom feels sad because of it. Next time I should try not to do something that will break one of her things so she doesn't feel sad." It puts your emotions on the final result.

[Pagan_princess]

I wouldn't consider that to be a blame thing. If a parent explains calmly to the child I am sad because you broke the lamp, or didn't listen or whatever, to me it shows the child that their actions can have a negative effect on others.

I don't think that this has to be done harshly or done to make the child feel like crap. A good explaination and a "Yes, because of your actions I feel sad. But, that doesn't mean that I don't love you any less and here are some things that may make me feel better.

This shouldn't be done until a child reaches the age that they can understand this and I personally feel that around the age of 5 or 6 they are capable in understanding.