Moms with sons

[nhoutdoormama]

Hi Mamas. I'm new to posting here, but I could use a little help processing a conversation I was part of the other day; it's still bothering me. I don't even know if I'm posting in the right place. (Pleas move it if necessary.)

As background, I am the blissfully happy Mama of three little boys, 6 mos, 3 yrs, and 5 yrs. We did not know the gender of our first 2 babes, but did with our third. While pregnant with my third, I felt like I received comments pretty regularly re: how unfortunate it was that we were having another boy. (Can you imagine?!) And they continue to this day! Total strangers will comment that it's "too bad" that I have 3 sons, I must have been so disappointed to have another son instead of a daughter. I've heard things like "Sons will grow up and leave, ya know." "Boys don't stay close with their Moms/families, etc." "Better you than me." "Gonna try for a girl?" And I feel like I am so often hearing women talk about how much they dislike their MILs.

So, the other morning I am sitting with my youngest while my older 2 were in an organized activity, and the two women sitting at a table with me proceed to have a conversation about how glad they are that they had daughters instead of sons. They were still including me in the conversation, sort of explaining to me why daughters were better. Of course, my littlest babe didn't understand what was being said, but I felt so sad hearing this! The conversation continued right in front of us until I finally got up to tend to my older boys.

I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance/support. Does this happen to anyone else? What do you do to handle such comments? Of course I think I would have loved to have had a daughter, maybe I will someday, maybe not. But I am so thankful for my wonderful, happy, healthy children. I feel so blessed. And I HATE the thought of them receiving these messages that there is something wrong with them because of their gender! And that my life is "less than" because I have sons.

Thank you for your help!

[hillymum]

I three sons. I was sad for a minute when I found out ds#3 was male, but honestly, he's spoilt rotten by me, and I have loved every second of being with him. (As well as ds#1 and ds#2!)
I usually just look at who ever as though they are mad. They get the message very quickly!

I have actually seen more sons living close to their parents than daughters, so I guess once a mommys boy, always a mommys boy?

As to hating the MIL, it's usually with good reason. I plan to learn from my MIL's errors and not make the same mistake.

[InMediasRes]

I hear the "boys are so loud/obnoxious/rowdy/messy/whathaveyou" all the time. It drives me crazy. If people were making disparaging generalized comments about girls, someone would say something. I hate that most of the generalizations about boys are negative. At this point in time, I think boys are almost more pigeon-holed than girls are.

My MIL has this rhyme that makes me want to hurl: A son is a son til he finds a wife, a daughter's a daughter all of her life. And she has three boys!

I tend to be incredibly blunt when I find people's comments are rude, so I would just say "I love having boys. Please don't make negative comments about them in front of me."

[musikat]

I have three sons, too. I have had my share of comments. Usually of the "hands full" variety, or just "Three boys. Wow." But one time I was in a kid store and my then 3-4 year old oldest was going loudly around the store on a ride-on airplane that was out for display when the woman checking out ahead of me said to the woman behind the counter "That's why I had daughters." Yeah. Like she had a choice.

I don't know what the future holds. Neither do moms of daughters. There are no guarantees of future closeness. I am also on a raising all boys board somewhere else. This topic as well as the MIL one comes up frequently. Many moms with more experience than I (I am in a lesbian relationship and my partner's mom passed away before we had children, but I never had issues with her) say their husbands are just as close to their moms as their sisters/SILs, etc.

Try not to let it bother you too much.

[eepster]

I don't really hear things like that about boys, but I've just got the one.

As far as not becoming one of those MILs, I have a simple solution. I don't plan to become a racist like DH's mom when DS grows up.

[JBaxter]

I have 4 wonder handsome sons I have a very close relationship with them and hope to continue it the rest of my life. My 4 all have very different personalities. I do not pine for a girl. I love watching football, soccer , lacrosse etc.

When I announced my 4th pregnancy and that it was another boy I actually had a woman at my church say "Im sorry"
Well at the church picnic I showed up with a t-shirt that said Yes Im pregnant and its anther boy AND we are VERY happy about it.

Nope Im not trying for a girl. God felt I was a mom for all boys and Im the best boy mom I can be

[lilmom]

I only have one child, a boy, and we already get these comments..how girls are easier, when are we gonna have a girl, etc. and it drives me absolutely nuts! I LOVE my son and I love that he is a boy!

The worst is my MIL who lately has been very adamant that we "NEED" to have a girl. She doesn't know we have been ttc and it's not working..but that's another topic..it just upsets me that she wants a girl. The last time she made that comment I told her "we would love for DS to have a sibling" and she actually said "Well only if it's a girl!" OMG like we could control that anyway. I would love to have a girl but I would also love to have another boy. Or 2, or whatever God gives me.

I just don't understand that whole line of thinking, that you MUST have one of each, etc etc

[treegardner]

This thread is very interesting because all I have heard is the opposite. I only have 1 child, a boy, and all I hear is how "boys are so much easier than girls" and "boys love their moms so much." FWIW, DH is actually pretty close with my mom. They have a lot in common and get along really well.

[cappuccinosmom]

I'm starting to think a lot of people just blab without considering what they're saying. They mean no harm, but unfortunately words can be a terrible weapon if misused.

I have three boys too. I would *love* to have a girl. Someday I might, God willing, since we do not use any sort of family planning. But I would not trade any of my boys for a girl, because each of my sons is so unique and precious and I wouldn't want them to be different. And quite honestly, I think how the adult relationships end up is a function of how well or poorly the parents related too and raised their children, not the gender. My mom's family was massively dysfunctional (abuse, alcoholism, mental illness, etc). The old saying might ring true for her family. Her brothers are all angry and only cared about their mother to the extent that they were expecting an inheritance, while my mom actually took care of her in her last years. But on my dad's side, what we see is multiple generations of loving, caring family, with both sons and daughters maintaining close relationships with their parents for life.

Even if my boys and I don't have the kind of relationship I'd have with a daughter when they're grown, that doesn't mean that our relationship is worthless or would be "better" if they were girls. It might be different, but that's OK. My sons are awesome little men and I am looking forward to watching them grow up into awesome big men.

I got quite a few comments when my second child turned out to be another boy, and even more when the third was yet another. It often made me very upset to hear people's attitudes. No, this wasn't our attempt for a girl. No, we weren't trying for a girl. No we're not going to "try again for a girl"--we don't try, we don't aim for a certain gender, we're just open to whoever God gives us, and if that's 10 boys, that's great!

Now, to be fair, I've also gotten the other extreme "Wow, three boys, you are so lucky! Girls are hell to raise." That's just as sad, IMO.

[boysmom2]

Another mom of 3 boys here! I get these comments too. Lots of "Wow!" and "Hands full" type comments. And then once in a while an odd positive comment, like the old man in the grocery store who told me that if I were Greek I'd be so lucky to have so many sons, or the post-partum nurse I had after DS3 was born who said my DH is "very lucky!" It all just seems so weird to me. How can one gender be good or bad? I just feel so blessed to have 3 healthy children. If we were lucky enough to have anymore, I certainly wouldn't be disappointed in any of them.

I just try to respond to these comments in such a way that my children know how great I think they are, even if the random busybody is disappointed by our lack of daughters.

[AustinMom]

I only have one son, and am prego with #2, and everyone has asked me, do you want a girl this time? Or, i think you should have a girl. As if it's something I choose, which in reality, it's all up to the sperm. I especially hate it from the inlaws because, if you get down to the science of it, if we don't have girls, it's hubby's "fault", so they should take it up with their side of the family..LOL!

I don't plan on finding out the sex, I honestly don't care. If I had another boy, I can only see how cool it would be to be queen of the house!!! You feel very taken care of.

If it's a girl, I'll do all the dress up, and pig tails and such. I don't care either way.

I think I would be rather blunt and say something like "what if you found out your parents wanted a girl instead of you? Or a boy? Gee, that would make you feel crappy huh?"

[~Demeter~]

I had 3 boys and then a girl... I used to get those comments a lot. Or.. are you gonna try for a girl? Then when we had a girl, I heard.. are you done now that you got a girl? People are rude and often don't realize what they are saying and how it effects the person they are saying it to. If two other women were sitting with me telling me how great having daughters is, I would definitely express how AWESOME boys are and how special ALL children are and how each one enriches our lives in different ways.

[pacificbliss]

I have one boy and am pregnant now. I get tons of infuriating comments like, "I hope you get your girl". Drives me insane. I would be thrilled with a house full of boys. I honestly don't care if this little one is a girl or a boy. I said this in front of family and my aunt said "Oh no, you have to have a girl. Boys go away and you never see them but girls stick around". Whatever, yes she sees her daighter. Neither of them work so they see each other most of the day, EVERY day and have no other friends. Very healthy.

So, I guess what I am saying is I feel your pain.

[pacificbliss]

Oh yeah, I also frequently shoot back that boys are nicer to their mothers growing up just to get a dig in. Probably no more true than the idea that your sons will go away at 18 and never talk to you again.

[hillymum]

I forgot to say that when I take the boys out for a meal we get many compliments! Lot's of "I bet your treated like a queen by them" and "they are such little gentlemen". I find them to be very easy going on the whole. I love how my 9yr old and 5 yr old take turns cuddling me in the evening.

[Dandelionkid]

[QUOTE=musikat;14894754]I have three sons, too. I have had my share of comments. Usually of the "hands full" variety, or just "Three boys. Wow." But one time I was in a kid store and my then 3-4 year old oldest was going loudly around the store on a ride-on airplane that was out for display when the woman checking out ahead of me said to the woman behind the counter "That's why I had daughters." Yeah. Like she had a choice.
QUOTE]

I've heard similar comments before and usually my response is "that's why I had a son" I like the physical loudness of boys. It is almost sweet relief to be yelled at by my boy than whined and grumped at by my girl

[Collinsky]

My sons are still 2 and 3.5, so I have no idea what it will be like when they're grown, obviously -- but my mom had five kids, two of them boys... and guess which of her kids didn't move out of state? The two sons. And my one brother who is married has a terrific wife who gets along great with my mother. My uncle is still very close with my grandmother. My husband is one of four boys, and they remain close with their mother, even though they don't all live nearby, and she LOVES having had all boys. She said it's a different dynamic than families of all girls, or of boys-and-girls. And I'm sure that's true, it probably is generally different in some ways! I think people can get hung up on the idea that the dynamic that they're used to/enjoy is the only one that is enjoyable or successful? Kind of a narrow view.

My two eldest are daughters (and it goes both ways - when we were pg with our third, we got LOTS of comments about how we were probably hoping for a boy. We actually had gotten pretty comfy with the idea of having 6 girls at that point!) and I certainly don't envision a future where I have a continuing deep relationship with them and not with my sons. I also have no intention of having issues with any future DILs. I'm not the sort of person to have conflict with people, so I don't anticipate starting with them! I assume that women who have more conflict with people (the kind due to strong personality, etc.) in their lives might be more susceptible to having conflict with DILs as well.

I think the mother-son bond is a very special one, and I am glad to have sons in my life. I also have seen the MIL/DIL relationship be a very good one in several cases... of course not all, but it can happen, and when it does it's a really beautiful thing.

[PreggieUBA2C]

I have had all the comments too, since being pg with ds2. This time, when people ask if I'm hoping for a girl, I say with a light humourous tone, "A girl would be nice, but I don't know if we'll have one. I think we make boys only. At least the evidence points that way! I love having boys. Or girls. I'm happy with either."

Granted, I now live in a very liberal and progressive region, and these comments now come with an anticipation of my openness to both sexes anyway. Most people here would be horrified if I expressed a greater desire for a girl over a boy or in reverse, so they ask in a way that has already assumed a positive response from me.

In our former residence, I think I'd probably be having some very unsavoury and definitely indelicate exchanges now that we have at least four boys and I am much more confident than I was then. I had two boys when we left the other place, and already I was avoiding going out with them; dh and I used to take turns staying in the car while the other ran into to stores, offices, etc..., just to avoid the very frequent comments. OOooooo, I do NOT miss living there.

Here, the comments are overwhelmingly positive.

OP, I hope that you will take courage to speak directly or to remove your sons from the negative influences of ignorant people who demean them. I don't know your son, but at 6 months, all but one of my babes was already talking in two-word phrases and there is no doubt that they were picking up what they heard to some extent. I mention their precocity only to demonstrate that because they spoke, I could never assume that they were not understanding or that they weren't paying attention. I also have no doubt that our one babe who waited to talk and other babes as well, also pick things like this up, and internalise them. Your son does register when you tell him you love him, when you call him endearing names or just call him by his name endearingly. That by itself would already set up the framework within which he would be able to distinguish loving talk from demeaning talk.

A 6 month old is very competent, barring any special challenges to that, of course. Their whole world exists within the context of communication. They are gaining mastery and may even be more aware of subtle nuances than they will be later on when they are more distracted by their own pursuits.

This may not fit your situation, but I thought I'd share anyway, just in case.

[UberMama]

I have twin boys and a girl.

When we found out our twins were boys, we got the, "Oh, you don't get one of each?" and then a sad look. After we had them, we got the question of if were going to try for another to "get our girl." And once we were pg again, we were asked if we hoped for a girl this time (I was hoping for a boy, it's what I knew!). And once we found out we had a girl, we got the, "Now you can stop having babies!"

I think it happens no matter what. I tell people now that if I had to do it over, I'd take twin boys each pregnancy over a singleton girl. I'm kidding, but my daughter was the most demanding baby ever. Compared to her, my twins were easy peasy, even with two of them. It's how it is today still, my daughter is more demanding and needy. I think it has to do with my boys having one another and not being as dependent on DH and I?

I figure if you are a parent, you are da*ned if you do and da*ned if you don't - this goes for the gender of kids you have, how you parent them, etc. Everyone has a say about everything. :/

[Marylizah]

I hear this a lot, and I only have one boy so far (am pregnant with baby #2, and actually I know the sex, but DH doesn't, so I can't say what I'm having online). But even before getting pregnant, I would hear moms talking about how hard boys are, or how much better they like girls. My own mom, who is a wonderful grandmother to DS, would have preferred that he be a she.

It makes me so sad. I look at my sweet, loving, cuddly, funny little boy and wonder how anyone could say that it would have been better for him to be a girl. It's like saying, it would have been better for him to be someone else completely.

And several moms I know, who have 2 or more girls, were sooooo elated to find out the sex of their kids and so relieved that they were having more girls. If I were to act like that when announcing the sex of this next baby (assuming for a moment it's a boy) I'd probably be accused of sexism.

Anyway, you've got my sympathy. That attitude drives me nuts. All children are blessings, regardless of sex!