3 yr old - cries all the time - Page 2

[Shannie77]

My DD is 2.5 and while she usually doesn't cry she will start to get upset/ tantrum. As soon as I see her pull the face, I quickly get down to eye level and say "calm down... it's OK. Would you like the X one instead?" then she will calm down and agree, from there I usually get her to ask for X calmly. "mommy I would like X please". We have been working on this for a while. At this point I am seeing a big improvement where sometimes I just look at her and it is like a light bulb goes off in her head and she backtracks and expresses herself in a calm way.

[mommy amber]

Originally Posted by ssh

My DD went through a very emotional phase at about 3.5. The worst of it lasted about 2 or 3 months. Shes going through a bossy phase right now at 4 and 3 months. I'm finding the bossiness more annoying.

oh god, no!
my dd is 3.75 and is the epitome of all these posts and I keep telling myself (ad nauseum) that somehow, like magic, when she turns 4 it won't be so bad (this despite the fact that she's been ,ahem, spirited since birth)

[BlackSheepPDX]

I don't know that this holds true for EVERYONE experiencing this problem, but I'm noticing that several people (first of all the OP) have made red flag comments about the screaming ultimately getting the child what they want.
Examples:
"If I set her food in the wrong chair she will scream and howl out until she is in the chair she wanted to be"
"She clamors for choc milk or candy at Whole Food and whereas I used to agree, now I practice saying no more often,"
"I used to always pick her up and hug her and try to see what she wanted."

If screaming holy hell gets you what you want, even once, it becomes a viable method for getting other things.

We've made a major effort emphasize that screaming/crying is NOT an acceptable form of communicating what you want. It's AMAZING how my DD can go from 60-0 when we calmly say "I can't understand you when you're whining/crying." In an INSTANT she stops all the drama and very clearly and calmly states what it is she was howling the second before. Once that happens then we can actually talk about what it is she wants and have a much greater likelihood of being able to calmly negotiate it. She doesn't always get the thing she was howling for, as it may just not be a reasonable request, but she HAS to make herself understood calmly and politely.

I really try to avoid concerning myself with what other people think in terms of public parenting. I hope that people with any sort of sense will understand what's happening if I have a howling small person and I'm attempting to calmly deal with them, and honestly, if you DON'T get it, and you're THAT put out, tough. It happens. My concern is with parenting as effectively and consistently as possible in a fashion that I believe is constructive. If I try to please the adults around me instead of focusing on doing my job, I'm doing my DD a disservice.

[LilacMama]

I think that if you give her something that she is screaming and crying for, even one time out of ten, she will continue to do this. I think an acknowledgement "I'm sorry you are so upset, but I cannot understand you when you are screaming and crying. I will be here to help you when you are able to talk in a normal tone of voice" is probably the best response. Then follow through. Even if you are in the middle of the grocery store or at a friend's house, don't give her anything she cries for. Even if you would have given it to her right away if she had asked for it nicely, don't give it to her. I think you need to nip this in the bud right now or it will go on for a long time.

Yes, she IS doing this because she's 3, but its your job to teach her how to interact pleasantly with others. You can't just say "Oh, she's 3, she'll grow out of it if we wait long enough." Well, I guess you COULD say that, but it will be harder on both of you if you do.

[mamazee]

This is very very normal. We should have an area just for the age of 3.5.

They are desperate for autonomy at that age and will try to get it any way they can, whether by demanding a certain cup, by demanding no one touch something, or by refusing to use the potty or refusing to eat certain things. So I would model appropriate ways to ask for things, but at the same time give her autonomy wherever practical. I got a lower drawer at that age and put my dd's cups in it and showed her how to get her own water. She could choose what cups she wanted. I put her plates someplace within her reach so she could choose a plate and I didn't have to guess or ask her every time. But at the same time, I would say, "I understand you aren't happy. Can you tell me nicely what you want?" Repeat that, and give her autonomy where practical, and she will get it with a little time.

[mariskamom]

Wow! I am happy to see this thread! My DD was a tough 1 1/2 to 2 year old. 2 for the most part was great. About two weeks before her 3rd birthday last week, she turned into a whining, crying jeckyl/hyde. Simple things like coming downstairs in the morning for breakfast are a huge deal. She is refusing to go into the grocery store and throwing a huge fit. She has the words for what she is feeling/wanting but when she gets all riled up, she isn't using them. A few weeks ago, I could have distracted or joked our way out of some of these confrontations. Not anymore. It is like she has lost her sense of humor sometimes. I definitely think her behavior is worse for me than anyone else. I think she is certainly trying to decide if she is a baby or a big girl. She wants to be rocked again every night for bed which we had moved away from. I love doing this and I am happy that one of our old routines is giving her some comfort during this time. I am sad for all of you but I'm glad I'm not the only one. I have been doing a ton of reading about gentle discipline and age appropriate behavior and I will be taking the ideas on this thread into account too. Let's hope this phase ends soon!!!

[lmk1]

Does she still listen to you while she's crying? Meaning could you ask her what SHE can do to fix the situation? I'm reading a book called Positive Discipline, and one example in it just jumped to mind. The boy didn't like his water in an blue glass (this is from memory, so some details aren't exact). So his Mom guided him through how to get a different glass, like :
Mom - "What can you do about it? Do you think you could get a different glass?"
Boy - "It's too high".
Mom - "How can you get to it? Do you think if you pushed a chair over to the counter, you could reach it?"
Boy does this, gets his glass, spills the water while transferring it, and then Mom guides him through cleaning up his mess. What I like about this (and I'm not sure how it works with different kids' temperaments) is that it presents kids with a way to think through their own problems. It doesn't tell them their problem isn't valid, but rather, lets them figure out the solution and makes them feel "powerful" to solve them.

[JL83]

I try once or twice to validate the feelings. (Not give into the tantrum, just to validate the feelings and then work towards a solution)

If that doesn't work, then I ignore the screaming. I tell her I'll be happy to talk with her when she's ready to talk. If it keeps going for more than a minute or two, I remind her that we don't cry and scream in the common part of the house and tell her she needs to either calm down and talk with me or go to her room.

When she's ready to talk we come up with a solution. I don't give in while she's screaming, but I will often spend that time thinking about how I can reward her using her words once she does calm down. She's just 3, and I'll often have to supply her with the words, "You're really upset that I gave you milk in the green cup." But that seems age appropriate.

[G5 Magazine]

I absolutely agree you have to change the behavior now this is the molding stage. Every child is not the same and all methods may not work for you. BUT I do the ignore when crying if excessive. And always make her politely ask for things she tries to boss me too! I think you have to claim your position early take the heart feelings rather than suffer later.
[Admin note: Link removed. Mothering does not permit promotional posting of commercial sites.]

[The4OfUs]

Even at that age, I would say things like, "You're upset.  This screaming is not OK.  I'll be happy to help you/change it/etc. when you ask me politely."  And then wait for them to do it.  If they seemed to need help with the words, I'd wait a minute and say, "You could say,  Can you change the music please mommy?"  and help them out.

Agreeing with those that say if you "give in" even one time out of 10, they'll keep waiting for that 11th time every time and do it over and over again.  You can be kind and gentle and firm, without being mean.  It may *feel* mean initially because she'll be throwing the fits repeatedly.  But if you keep modeling the kind, but firm resolve to not help her until she can channel those negative emotions into a non-aggressive way, it will eventually work. 

My own 6 and 8 year old occasionally try to pull a bigger kid version of this.  I'll usually say, at this point, "Do you think that's going to help this situation?"  or, "I'm positive you can think of a polite way to say that." - It's totally a normal kid thing, but normal does not necessarily equal appropriate....that's where the teaching comes in, to guide them out of it.