How do you manage this all? I need help!

[Mamaluu]

I'm busy all day trying to do everything, yet at the end of the day here is how I feel:

1) I haven't had a moment for myself (break, exercise, or even just to eat)
2) I haven't done my to-do's (phone calls, errands, shop, make meals, etc)
3) I haven't spend any time with my son (5-month old baby, my first one)
4) I haven't had time to reach out, learn, or connect with others (things like playgroup or mommy's group, read parenting books, email, or even to come to a forum like this to learn and exchange thoughts)

My biggest frustration (or regret) is not being able to spend time enjoying and playing with my baby, and not being able to enjoy being a mom because I've got everything else to take care of. I drag my son with me to doctor's appointments, grocery, errands of all sort, and sometimes it feels like all he does is sit in car seat. Then when I'm home, he is left in his bouncer by himself because I'm trying to make phone calls, emails, fix myself meals, cleaning up, washing diapers, planning for dinner, etc. It feels like the only thing I do with him is nursing, which is short and quick and when I do it, half the time my mind isn't even there. I don't go for walks/exercise because I feel bad putting my son in a stroller again after all the sitting around he has been doing by himself. He is only a baby for so many months; every day he is growing and changing and time will never go back again. I don't want to miss all this time with him.

But I don't even have time to fix myself a decent breakfast. I walk around all day trying to grab something to eat. Every time I sit down with baby I want to put him down somewhere again and walk away to go get something to munch on because I'm so damn hungry.

When I was pregnant I had this image of a stay-at-home mom - precious moments being there with your baby (the luxury working moms don't have); going to mommy's group, meeting friends for lunch, having a great social circle (support network) with mommy friends; cruising in the library, story time, walks outside, reading a magazine, afternoon naps with baby, being happy & pretty waiting for husband to come home for dinner.... Not even close! What am I doing wrong that I'm not having any of this? (I don't even have mommy's group because I have no time and now I'm feeling all by myself).

How do you do it so that you actually have time for yourself (EAT, break, exercise, meet with friends, mommy group & stuff, email, read, learn), and time to focus on baby (play, learn, teach, enjoy, bond....), feel good about being a mom? (and of course, time to run errands, bills, phone calls, grocery, cook dinner, clean, etc). Can I get some tips please?

How much time and do you spend giving your kids undivided attention (playing, reading, activities...)? How much time do you spend on errands, household care (cooking, cleaning, bills, necessary phone calls, etc), and how much time for yourself (relax, email, read, exercise...)?

[BetsyS]

You have one baby, right? I think that at 5 months, I was still getting used to the idea of being at home, and the idea that I didn't have to go back to work come Monday.

The whole managing a household/taking care of a baby/taking care of yourself juggle takes a while to get comfortable with. And, even now, when I feel comfortable, something comes along to throw a kink into it. LOL

My kids both fairly quickly settled into nap routines. Like, by 5 months, I knew that he'd take a solid 3 naps a day. I used those naps to sort of define my day. We're early people, and my first son is a VERY early person, so that changes things, too. He has always gotten up at 5:00 or 5:30 in the morning. When he dropped to 1 nap a day, he started sleeping until 6:30. It was bliss.

Anyway, at that age, I got dressed, ate breakfast, and read email during nap 1. During nap 2, I cleaned, started supper, did paperwork, returned calls. During nap 3, I did something for me. Like a nap, read a book, needlework, cook a fancy dish. Whatever I wanted. This sort of eased me into making sure that I took care of myself as well as the family.

My children don't like for me to cook at suppertime, so I think about supper early in the day, and do a lot of the prep work early in the day (still do, and they are 1 and 3).

About the age of your son, I started using a high chair. It was FABULOUS for us. It put him at my height, and suddenly, the world was different, and he was happy. I learned to eat my meals with him in the high chair, playing with a toy, a spoon, and later, eating small bits of his own food.

At 5 months old, I'm not doing a lot of "playing". I do a lot of holding them (in the sling/carrier), and they live life with me. Errands, grocery shopping, and regular shopping are part of living life and entertaining baby. You go grocery shopping, and you talk to the baby the whole time. You pick up an apple and you say something about it. That's interacting. They love it, and you're spending great time with him.

A baby doesn't need you on the floor batting at toys to feel important. Just include him in what you're doing. If you are in the shower, put him in a bouncy seat right outside the curtain, and play peek a boo while you wash your hair. SIng funny songs. Your baby will love it. You're getting something done, and you're also interacting with him.

I use flylady to have basic household routines that mean I'm not thinking about housework all the time. Sometimes, yes, but not all the time. I do it, it's over, and we move on. Something like that might work well for you in organizing your time.

Make time for a moms' group! I loved mine, and I've had several in the last 3 years. They are very fluid for me. I do one as long as it works, and if it stops working, I move on. But, it's nice to have some adult conversation during the day.

[mamaluvspirates]

Completely normal!!! Absolutely, positively normal!!

Even if it seems like baby is spending a lot of time in his car seat, make sure to take a few seconds every few minutes to make goofy faces and sing to him...when you grab a quick sandwich or an apple, sit on the floor to eat while baby is having some tummy time on a blanket...

Don't feel bad about going for a walk!! Babies love to see all sorts of things, and it's good for their little baby brains . Just to keep my sanity, I NEEDED to go for a walk every single day, unless it was stupid cold out. We would stop every block or so to look at a kitty crossing the road, or to point out some kids playing. If you time it right, baby might sleep the entire time that he's in the buggy. See? Baby gets stimulation and Mommy gets out of the house. Win-win situation .

Try and get into a schedule, even for your own sake. For us: mornings are for errands (or just walking at the mall), afternoons were for naps and playing, and after supper is family time...so whatever activities the big kids or my husband had, we went along. It kept me from feeling like a caged animal, ya know?

Playgroups weren't my thing...but if it's something that you would enjoy, then find some and make yourself go, even if you have to get ready the night before to ensure that you have enough time to get there. Is your significant other around to help you out? My husband would take the baby every night for an hour so that I could have a shower, read a book whatever. He got his cuddle time in, and I got some 'me' time so that I didn't feel so cagey.

Best of luck to you, it's not forever, I promise!!

[mamaluvspirates]

LOL...it took me so long to post (due to toddler tugging at my leg) that I posted after BetsyS...so yeah, exactly what she said . And I agree about the highchair part, definitely give that a go .

[AustinMom]

You are not alone!!!

I don't think you ever really get a "routine" or "settled" I think you just get used to the chaos and it seems like a routine. I had PP anxiety and PPD, and didn't have a lot of "help" at home after baby was born. These are something I did and they all SAVED me, and my baby.

Get a baby wrap. One that you can hold baby close, skin to skin, tummy to tummy, and he can nurse when he wants. You are hands free, so you can hold him while cooking, cleaning, and when he is napping, and you feel a lot closer, also great for grocery stores, I still use mine and he is 18 mon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44snbbszTps. I went to fabric store, bought 5.5 yrds of tshirt like fabic (longer if you are bigger, I'm a little bigger than average and had a big baby and this worked for me) cut it in half LONG ways to where you have two 5.5 yrd strips and you have two wraps, leave one in car and one at home. If baby poops, pees or spits up, you have an extra. It doesn't hurt your back like other carriers (DD is 26 lb and I'm still fine wearing it almost all day)

Everything doesn't need to be done. The sooner you except that there is always going to be a task to do, the sooner you will be at peace with yourself. For the things that need to be done, make a schedule. EX: Mondays-I vacuumed and swept the floor, we have a lab who sheds like crazy
Tuesday-I "dusted" the counters and such and sometimes moped, clean bathroom
Wed-vacuumed and swept or went to grocery store and bought weeks worth
Thurs-Laundry day. I did nothing all day except laundry.
Fri-vacuumed and swept
You may not have to do as much, I had anxiety, that is why I did this. I even went to the point of planning the week out. Who I would call Mon, Tues, Wed, etc.

Have handy snacks in fridge. You may sweet talk hubby into doing you a HUGE favor in helping you with the adjustment, and asking him once a week to hard boil some eggs, chop some veggies, cube some cheese, etc. Make some kind of snack so you can much when hungry.

You can do this. It does get easier. You are a good mom for thinking of you baby the way you do and wanting to spend time with him. Much love to you!

[rightkindofme]

Sounds like where you are is pretty on par for the stage you are in. It wasn't my favorite stage. I have started chanting to myself, "This too shall pass" when I am feeling completely overwhelmed by the sheer amount of STUFF my life contains.

And the main way I make time for myself and to play with my kid is by deciding what things really aren't important. Good luck.

[Chicky2]

One thing that always helped me was to have a 'nursing sack' handy. Each night before I went to bed I'd refill it. It included everything I need when I'm nursing and I kept it at our nursing station. It included a book to read, some nuts or protein bar, a bottle of water, some tissues. I'd grab the phone before I sat down, and then just BE with the baby. If I had a toddler at the time, I'd also include something in my sack to entertain the toddler so I would be ready.

I highly recommend a wrap of some sort that will let you keep Baby on your back. I don't know how people get anything done if they don't wear their babe. I have always been able to hoist the baby up into a hip carry, and then when I needed Baby safely away from a knife, hot water, steam, etc. I would shift Baby onto my back from the hip carry (ring sling), or completely switch to a mei tai type of carrier. I could always cook, toss some laundry in the wash, clean off counters, vacuum, etc....

At this age, Baby just needs to be with you, interact with you, and be near you.

And yeah, the highchair is great for when you just can't wear Baby another minute, lol. They love it! An ice cube on the tray is always a hit, too. I'd put the highchair in the kitchen and keep a little basket of frozen teethers, wooden spoons, etc... to keep handing when all the others go over the edge of the tray (that's sooooo much fun for them, lol!).

[Porcelain Interior]

Maybe you're expecting too much from yourself.

With one baby I was sitting around A LOT just chilling out and holding the baby, and really just being with her.

I didn't go out on many errands/drive around too much. Maybe a couple times a week at most.

Cleaning was done when I felt like it, the baby came first. So some stuff got put off until dad was home.

Clear your schedule out if you feel you don't have enough down time.

And I agree with everyone else, 5 month olds do mostly just "sit there".

[dogretro]

I definitely agree to try and wear your baby more around the house. You can get lots of chores done this way. Slings and wraps are both great, as are back packs like the Ergo. You can sweep, mop, do dishes, vacuum, etc while wearing baby in front or back. You can also take walks while wearing baby. Then you are both getting out, but still holding him and not breaking your arms.

As for eating, SNACKS. Also, you can eat while baby nurses as long as it is not something hot. If you happen to drip something on his head, you will not be the first, lol! Sitting on the floor while baby rolls around on a play mat is a great time to eat, too. Im also a big fan of sugary drinks like smoothies (homemade or store bought), hot chocolate, & flavored milk. Even something not as great like Carnation instant breakfast or Slim Fast will get you extra calories and vitamins easily. Easy to set down and sip as you pass them.

I tend to use nap time as my break time (dd also takes one nap at this point). That is when I can use the computer or read. OH, baby play time is a great time to read!!! Sit on the floor next to baby while he plays on his mat and read a book or magazine. You will find that you both flow into and out of interacting w/ each other during this time. It is good for your baby to see that you can be w/ him w/ out having to focus on him. Builds his attention for toys & gives you time to zone out. I have always done this w/ dd and she is v good about playing by herself while I read for a little while.

[skueppers]

I never expected to accomplish anything while my children were awake until they were much older.

Naptime is the only time I accomplished anything with a baby that age, unless it was an errand outside of the house.

I did go to a lot of mom's groups, playgroups, La Leche League, etc. I would have gone crazy if I'd actually stayed home alone with my baby.

Oh, and I definitely recommend a baby carrier of some kind. Everything you do is a bonding experience when your baby is right there with you in a carrier.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior

Maybe you're expecting too much from yourself.

With one baby I was sitting around A LOT just chilling out and holding the baby, and really just being with her.

I didn't go out on many errands/drive around too much. Maybe a couple times a week at most.

Cleaning was done when I felt like it, the baby came first. So some stuff got put off until dad was home.

Clear your schedule out if you feel you don't have enough down time.

And I agree with everyone else, 5 month olds do mostly just "sit there".

I think this is more like my experience. My estimation is probably messed up because my youngest is 10 y.o. I remember there's a lot of stuff that didn't get done for a few months when each kid was a baby. And I might have gone an hour or so getting hungry. But generally I made feeding myself a top priority.

I must have had very low expectations for how much needed to be done.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by AustinMom

I don't think you ever really get a "routine" or "settled"

I've been a SAHM for 6.5 years. I don't have a routine, and we're not settled. Some of that is because I've been pregnant three times since then, and have had two other living children. But, you know - that's the point. Life is constantly changing, especially with young kids at home!

You'll settle into a routine in some things, probably not in others. But, babies are extremely attention intensive (usually) and that does ease up eventually. You're also probably still sleep deprived - I am, and my youngest is 6.5 months old - and your hormones probably aren't totally back to normal. It takes a while for everything to shake down. I mean, when you think about it - you're adding a whole other human being to your life, and a completely dependent one, at that. Of course it's a huge upheaval!

What I'm saying is, you're not doing anything wrong. It's quite amazing how hard you can work all day with an infant, and end the day feeling like you haven't done anything.

Today, I've got a cold. The kids are watching DVDs and we just had a big bowl of popcorn for lunch. DD2 is crawling around and I'm making sure she's fed and changed. Other than that, I'm not really doing anything....but even that keeps me from the couch I'd otherwise be curled up on, yk?

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by skueppers

I never expected to accomplish anything while my children were awake until they were much older.

Naptime is the only time I accomplished anything with a baby that age, unless it was an errand outside of the house.

I see this all the time. Am I the only mother in the world who has babies who just don't nap? The only one who had anything resembling regular nap right from being a newborn was ds2. DS1 never napped at all - just 10 minute catnaps. If he slept for 15, that was huge. DD1 didn't sleep or nap worth beans for the first 3 months, then started to nap. DS2 napped well. DD2 doesn't consistently nap. She did for the first 2-3 months, and now she doesn't. She's a lot like ds1 - very, very short naps, but not long enough to do anything!

I second (third? more?) the suggestion that you get a baby carrier, OP. They can be a life saver. I don't find them quite as awesome as some MDC mamas, as I tend to end up with backaches if I wear them all the time, but they're still great. (Mind you, the backaches only got really bad this time around, and I'm not getting any younger...and all the babies and c-sections have beat me up pretty badly.) Carriers rock. I really like the Ergo.

[cappuccinosmom]

How much time and do you spend giving your kids undivided attention (playing, reading, activities...)? How much time do you spend on errands, household care (cooking, cleaning, bills, necessary phone calls, etc), and how much time for yourself (relax, email, read, exercise...)?

Most things don't have my undivided attention.

I try to give mealtimes with the kids full attention. I make the food and we all sit down together to eat it. And at bedtime I go 'round and have a chat with each of them.

The rest of the day, my attention is divided between homeschooling, diaper changing, and all those other fun things. I usually read email in between something else, or do something else in between reading emails, too.

Even though I am not eyeball-to-eyeball with them all day long, I find that in the midst of just living together as a family there are so many opportunities to connect, to laugh, to enjoy each other, to teach them something. I get things done, but life is better if I'm willing to take a minute or two in the middle of doing something to turn around, touch whichever kid is needing attention, and give it to them. I draw them into what I have to do, and doing chores isn't so boring if I have my older boys telling me knock knock jokes while they help me, or having my toddler sitting nearby asking me questions.

I recommend, like the others, that you get a really good baby carrier of some sort. That way baby can *be* with you, even while you're doing other things, and you don't have to feel bad for him sitting alone. And frankly, at 5 mo, while they are developing rapidly and all that, they don't actually *do* much (and you dont' have to chase them! ). They observe, they listen, they babble, they touch and grab things, but all of those things can be done in a comfy carrier near to their mama's heart. You can talk to him while you're doing the dishes or straightening up the living room. You can exercise while wearing him, a nice brisk walk. You can also set him up comfortably and talk to him while you exercise in front of a work out DVD. Babies usually find that *very* entertaining. You can nurse him to sleep for his naptime and take a while to enjoy being close with him, and then you can get up and do something you *want* to do, read a book, watch a movie, eat something delicious.

I would wonder with one child why do you have so much running around to do? Even with three, a little planning keeps me from having to go out every single day, and that's important because I've found that running errands every day is one of the things that leaves me feeling like I'm chasing my tail and not getting anything done. So if we have a dr. appt, I make a list of what we need and get groceries while we're out too. Or if we go to the library, I can make a run to the pharmacy or the bank or the post office as well.

This is not meant as an insult or anything, but how organized are you, generally? From your post, it looks to me that just some basic organization (and organizing your thoughts as well) is lacking, and that could really help you. You need to have a plan for the day (a reasonable one), and a flexible plan for the week and the month. For instance, during any given day you need to eat, nurse the baby and otherwise care for him, and after that do 1 or 2 important chores (things needed to keep the household running), and if there's anything left after that, do one or two less important thigns (a five-minute phonecall to take care of some business, a quick tidying up). During the week, you need to go shopping, so pick one or two days when you can split all your errand running. Pop your baby in the carrier, and get stuff done,
(but on those days don't expect yourself to also do three loads of laundry, cook a gourmet meal, and have the house sparkling). During the month, you need to pay bills, so pick a day, sort them out, and get them in the envelopes and ready to mail before their duedate.
I think you might find it very helpful to put the brakes on and stop to think through what *needs* to be done, whether your expectations for yourself are too high, and whether you can manage your time better so that you end up ith free time and the ability to just relax and enjoy your kid.

[RiverSky]

Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior

Maybe you're expecting too much from yourself.

With one baby I was sitting around A LOT just chilling out and holding the baby, and really just being with her.

That's what I was thinking, too.

When my first baby was that small, he napped well and I would nap with him some of the time, and do stuff, like update my website with pictures, or clean or read, but DH did 50% of the cleaning and did most of our supper cooking. He said that my job was to take care of and nurse the baby and we tried to share everything else. We also found that if we got together on Saturday morning for two hours (during a naptime), we could clean the house from top to bottom and there'd be so much less to do during the week, and we could enjoy the rest of our weekend together.

[skueppers]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

I see this all the time. Am I the only mother in the world who has babies who just don't nap? The only one who had anything resembling regular nap right from being a newborn was ds2.

Oh, I didn't mean to suggest that my first child napped when she was a newborn.

I got absolutely nothing accomplished during the daytime until she did start napping, around 4 months. Before that, if I put her down, she woke up within 10 minutes.

My husband came home for lunch every day from the time she was born until she turned 3. For the first few months, he often heard me say things like, "great, you're here, now I can go to the bathroom!"

Sadly, I was never able to get her to nap after #2 came along, so once I had 2 kids, I didn't get any downtime in the day until sometime in the last couple of months.

For the original poster:

You may find it helpful to redefine your "job description." My husband and I both feel that my primary job is to take care of the kids. That's what I gave up my career to do. So we ALWAYS think it's worthwhile for me to take them to a playgroup, to library storytime, or to a museum. To spend the afternoon facilitating crafts and reading stories. If that means cooking and cleaning waits until we're both home, then that's what it means.

Before I stayed home with my kids, I didn't clean my house or cook meals in the middle of the day, either. I seriously doubt that when I'm 60, I'll regret that I focused on spending time with my kids when they were little.

[Mamaluu]

Thank you all! Very helpful you've been. Here are some of my comments:

Sling or carrier: great and I have one (Baby Bjorn, baby is in the front). I use it but my 5 month old is 23 pounds and I can only stand wearing him 30min at a time. And when I do wear him, he is huge and very much in the way of me doing stuff so I have to go much slower.

Baby nurses every 1-2 hours, and between that and changing/diaper, time is broken into scattered minutes here and there instead of chunks to work with.

nap: It takes 30min to 1 hour to settle baby down for nap, and he only naps for 20-40 minutes (this is usually when I try to cram in EVERYTHING - eat, email, phone call, wash diaper...). Sometimes he is crying teething or just fussy & uncomfortable so I need to take care of him.

eating - I'll start trying to eat with him like many of you do, but I don't have the time to prepare breakfast and lunch for myself.... Someone mentioned having husband prepare some snacks ready for me - husband is as swamped as I am if not more and I do all the food here, so maybe I'll just need to somehow find time to prepare some snacks ahead of time for myself? I still don't know what to do about fixing my meals though... I've been munching all day with no set meals and I've been very starving all day. Another thing is, many of you eat while entertaining your baby, which I've tried doing, but I ended up feeling overloaded trying to multi-task and I can never eat without any interruption. My mind ends up feeling as if I didn't eat (because I wasn't paying attention when I was eating), then I'm just hungry again.

I see the general theme here being that many of you multi-task and do so very well. But so far I haven't worked well trying to multi-task because I end up feeling like on one hand, baby never got my undivided attention (which I consider my loss too), and on the other hand, I'm extremely frustrated trying to finish my STUFF (whatever it is that I'm trying to do at the time) while trying to multi task and hang with baby at the same time.... I work much better (and faster/efficient) focusing on one thing at a time....

oh, another thing, my son is so highly active and curious he often can't stand doing one thing for a long time without moving around (of course I have to move him) and seeing something different every few minutes...

Please keep the advice and sharing coming, this is great.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by skueppers

Oh, I didn't mean to suggest that my first child napped when she was a newborn.

I got absolutely nothing accomplished during the daytime until she did start napping, around 4 months. Before that, if I put her down, she woke up within 10 minutes.

My husband came home for lunch every day from the time she was born until she turned 3. For the first few months, he often heard me say things like, "great, you're here, now I can go to the bathroom!"

Sadly, I was never able to get her to nap after #2 came along, so once I had 2 kids, I didn't get any downtime in the day until sometime in the last couple of months.

No worries. It occurred to me after posting that my post came off as a very "one downmanship" kind of thing. I didn't mean it that way at all. I'm just always a little blown away at the general acceptance of the "do things while the baby naps" approach...as if the idea that the baby doesn't nap has never occurred to people, yk?


OP: Be gentle on yourself. I'm really good at multi-tasing in some ways, but there are days when I really just want curl up in a corner and cry, because I can't get out from under for 10 seconds. Being home with kids full time can be really tough.

[zinemama]

I'm not getting why you can't eat. What happens when you put your son down on a blanket on the floor while you fix breakfast or lunch for yourself?

I agree that you're trying to do too much. When the baby naps, just chill. Don't try to cram everything you think you "should" do in during your one time to truly relax. Do something for you.

I also think you need a friend, another sahm that you can hang out with. (Forget mommy groups - one person's all you need.) Back when my first was 5 months, my friend and I would spend whole days at each other's houses, just sitting around, nursing the babies, talking, eating chocolate. There's your precious moments!

[Llyra]

What I've learned in the years since I've been home (wow, has it really been that long? Six years this month!), is that the housework and the errands and the telephone calls and all the rest of it are still going to be there tomorrow, and ten years from now when they're in school all day, but they're only going to be little once. I think for me the solution to this feeling was to let a lot of stuff go-- let the house be kind of skanky for awhile, and eat less-than-entirely-ideal food, and let the laundry pile up a bit, and focus on doing the things that enriched my relationships.

I'll be honest, though-- that kind of focused time, to do just one thing at a time for a length of time, really doesn't come back until they're older. That was one of the hardest things about becoming a mother, for me-- that you have to be constantly interruptable. It takes time, and some self-acceptance, to get used to that. Be patient with yourself! You sound like you're trying to do everything right, and nobody can do everything right all the time.

I have noticed, though, that my kids when they were babies and toddlers, were at their very happiest when they were near by me, watching me be focused on my own adult tasks.