Religous differences and friendships

[KMK_Mama]

I have lost a few friends due to religion and it is really starting to get me down. I'm an atheist and I have had christian friends "dump" me because of my (lack of) beliefs.

The latest will be #5.

I started getting a feeling from this friend that something was "off" a few weeks ago and then she stopped emailing me which was odd because we usually stay in contact through email daily. When she didn't email me back the other day I wrote to her again and asked in a lighthearted way why she was ignoring me. She wrote me a long email about how she has been doing a lot of thinking and praying about her life and her priorities and she is trying to change so that everything in her life reflects her love for God, etc. (I would copy and paste it but I'm pretty sure it's against the UA?) Anyhow, she mentioned she was taking a look at EVERYTHING, including friendships. I have been crying on and off all day. It hurts. I have never judged her for her beliefs and yet I feel judged because of mine. It's not just her I'm mourning, I'm mourning all the lost friendships and the fact that religion can come inbetween people who could normally be great friends. I'm just so sad today. I haven't wrote her back. I don't know what to say to that.

[AFWife]

I am so so sorry, honey.

I am a Christian and, I'll be honest, I've dumped a couple of friends for belief differences. Of course, it wasn't "I believe in God and you don't" it was more "I don't agree with the constant partying/sleeping around/etc."

I wish I could tell you that I understood where she was coming from and explain it for you...but I can't, because I don't.

I can offer you a hug, though?

[Tradd]

How long have you known this woman? Has anything changed lately in your activities, etc., whatever you would do with/talk about with this woman?

Like AFWife, I'd had to drop friends who were into the partying/sleeping around/general lack of traditional morals thing. However, in my case, these were friends who had been fine before, but then they changed and did a 180* from where they were before. One girl suddenly wanted to see only movies I am very uncomfortable with (very raunchy, explicit stuff) and it got to a point we couldn't even go out for a cup of coffee because we had literally nothing in common anymore to talk about.

I've also had friends drop ME because they thought I was too into religion. I'm very careful not to talk about doctrine or beliefs unless the other person brings it up. But I won't shy from talking or mentioning activities (choir practice, event I'm organizing, etc.) But these were folks who were threatened by someone even mentioning they were attending church every Sunday, so if they had issues with someone even mentioning it, then it was better we weren't friends.

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by Tradd

Like AFWife, I'd had to drop friends who were into the partying/sleeping around/general lack of traditional morals thing. However, in my case, these were friends who had been fine before, but then they changed and did a 180* from where they were before. One girl suddenly wanted to see only movies I am very uncomfortable with (very raunchy, explicit stuff) and it got to a point we couldn't even go out for a cup of coffee because we had literally nothing in common anymore to talk about.

I've also had friends drop ME because they thought I was too into religion. I'm very careful not to talk about doctrine or beliefs unless the other person brings it up. But I won't shy from talking or mentioning activities (choir practice, event I'm organizing, etc.) But these were folks who were threatened by someone even mentioning they were attending church every Sunday, so if they had issues with someone even mentioning it, then it was better we weren't friends.

Exactly the same on both of these. The friends I've dumped changed seemingly overnight and I wasn't cool with it...
And yeah, I've been on the receiving end as well.

[KMK_Mama]

Just to be clear, I am married and have 3 kids so I'm not out sleeping around and I never have. My DH was my first and has always been my only.
I don't drink, don't smoke, etc.

We have been friends for 2 years...I haven't changed.

[<<>>]

Originally Posted by KMK_Mama

Just to be clear, I am married and have 3 kids so I'm not out sleeping around and I never have. My DH was my first and has always been my only.
I don't drink, don't smoke, etc.

We have been friends for 2 years...I haven't changed.

Losing friends is hard. I've lost friends (not religion related).....I lost my best friend (since I was 5) about 9 months ago, because she didn't like my partner, didn't think he was good enough for me. (even though he's the most amazing partner) It happened overnight, and it hurts a lot, and I still miss her.
One friend told me I was too 'domesticated'....

When you speak to her again, I would ask her why her religion keeps her from being friends with you. (you may not get a good answer, but I'd be curious as to why it was something getting in her way)....

[Tradd]

Originally Posted by KMK_Mama

Just to be clear, I am married and have 3 kids so I'm not out sleeping around and I never have. My DH was my first and has always been my only.
I don't drink, don't smoke, etc.

We have been friends for 2 years...I haven't changed.

Sometimes interests change to the point that a friendship is no longer supportable. You know, maybe you got into those Twilight books/movies and were obsessed or something along those lines, for example. Her church says X books/movies are very bad, and here you are obsessed with them, and she decides to ditch friendship.

Just an example, not saying you were!

[KMK_Mama]

Originally Posted by Tradd

Sometimes interests change to the point that a friendship is no longer supportable. You know, maybe you got into those Twilight books/movies and were obsessed or something along those lines, for example. Her church says X books/movies are very bad, and here you are obsessed with them, and she decides to ditch friendship.

Just an example, not saying you were!

Did you lose a friend because of the Twilight books?

I read them and thought they were, eh, just ok.

[Tradd]

Originally Posted by KMK_Mama

Did you lose a friend because of the Twilight books?

I read them and thought they were, eh, just ok.

I rarely read modern fiction. The older, the better (Austen, Dickens, Gaskell, the Brontes)!

No, but I was thinking of how some people I know acted when they found out others were reading Harry Potter, for instance, and the one church thought it was OK and the other didn't. A mess..

[artgoddess]

This has happened to us. We had some really good friend, for years. The wife announced her pregnancy to our "group" on my first night out without the baby. So they were about what? 10 months apart. My baby and her pregnant self swam all summer in their pool. The having babies close in age thing was really cementing a strong bond. Then they switched churches. Went from a Methodist church to a Calvary Baptist church (I'm a life long UU) they sort of faded away and I wouldn't believe DP when he said it had to do with the church change, and us not being married (although long term committed before we had our kids) and my being a UU. Then the stories from mutual friends about how they were told to "look out" for me, cause I go to that UU church. Yeah, it sucks. But in the long run, I am waaaaay better off without them. And in my case all our mutual friends think they are the nuts, and still hang with DP and I, so I'm really not worse off. I can't imagine if it were the other way around how badly I would feel.

[genifer]

Kmkmama, Im so sorry.

Im trying to understand it actually. The only thing I can think of is one of two things, one isnt a very nice reflection of her, the other I kind of understands. Either it has to do with some kind of conviction, perhaps its nothing personal as far as your beliefs are concerned. Perhaps its to do with her family and priorities. Perhaps spiritually she is in an uncomfortable place, we christians can go thru that sometimes, where things dont make sense and we feel the need to take a step back, reevaluate. A fellow christian might understand if their christian friend pulled away like that, but a nonbeliever might not. I know that Ive had to do that, pull away because something very difficult and VERY personal happened and I literally dropped ALL my friends, christian and nonchristian. I left my church and everything. I dropped of the planet for about two years lol, that was extreme, but it might be something like that. A time in her life where she feels the need to strengthen her faith, deepen her relationship with God. This I can understand. The other thing I thought was along the lines of what others have said, having to do with going to a new church new teaching. I would actually suspect its less to do with something like this and give her the benefit of the doubt.

Sometimes we christians go thru funny turns that our nonbelieving friends dont understand. Im sure she still cares a great deal about you and may even pick up the friendship after some time. She may in time, in all honesty, regret dropping the friendship, look back in hindsight and say something like 'I was going thru X but I could have handled keeping that friendship going'. Ive done this.

I would say to try not to take it personal. Im certain she still cares about you.

Its interesting. I find responses to threads like this interesting actually. Sometimes it is decided that we are a sinister bunch, us christians. We have ALL kinds of alterior motives and such. The truth is we are maybe more complex then some nonbelievers give us credit for. I mean, I really dont care, to be honest, but for your sake KMK_mama, I would say that the reasons we do stuff like this isnt always bc we are judgemental, or whatever else one might think. We are genuinely living to please God and sometimes He calls us into, well often He calls us, draws us into, Ill say 'seasons' of our lives where stuff doenst always make sense. Its a little hard to explain actually. Or He'll call us to deal with a certain aspect of our lives, its deep and personal. When He does this He will call us to, among other things, evaluate our relationships, priorities (for me priorities is a big thing), and there are times when He calls us to love Him above everything else, maybe focus on that for a time.

Anyway, Ive babbled on enough. Just some food for thought for ya

[EFmom]

I'm sorry and I'm sure it hurts. However, I think you are better off in the long run without people who are that narrow minded.

[Bluegoat]

You know, I was reading an article on female friendships in Chatelaine today at the doctor's office - deep stuff.

But one of the things they mentioned, which I think is true, is that most friendships do not last indefinitely. They often have a shelf life that relates to the common circumstances of the people involved. Especially for women, where mutual self-disclosure is (apparently) an important component. And in our culture, people change circumstances more frequently in the past, and so the friendships become less intimate.

They also suggested that we are brought up to think that friendships will remain the same "forever" and so some people are unable to deal with them becoming less close or intense, or the parameters changing in other ways. So they end up ending the friendship.

I wonder if this is not the case with these situations you are talking about. Something changed in their lives (not necessarily anything obvious, just something internal) and they are unable to adjust the way they run their friendships. Or, is it possible that you aren't adjusting to a less intense friendship in some cases (you only mention the one situation where it seems to me the trouble adjusting was hers.)

Personally, I try to maintain contact with friends even after such changes, but accept that the friendship may not be close in the way it once was. The few friendships that have remained very close over long periods have been with people who essentially became like family - even when they really change, or I don't see them often, there is a kind of loyalty and commitment (most of them were actually roommates, now that I think about it). But most friendships are not like that, they relate to common experiences or interests, or sometimes even just common locations.

[KMK_Mama]

Well, I wrote her back. I just told her that I hope she is able to find peace with her life, that she deserves that, and if it means we can't be friends anymore then I respect it...that I enjoyed and valued our friendship...and that I am always here if she needs anything. That's all I can do. Even if she writes back and says she wants to maintain the friendship I realize it will never be the same, so it doesn't really matter what happens now.

[lilmom]

Just wanted to say I am so sorry this happened to you!!! And that it has happened multiple times, apparently.

I am also a Christian but I have quite a few friends who are atheists..one of them actually emails me almost every day (we moved to a different town). I feel like it is not my place to judge, only my place to be her friend!

I also have been on the receiving end, where some atheist friends dumped me because of my faith. I had one dear friend that i thought would be a lifelong friend, dump me because i sent a Christmas card that reflected my Christian beliefs, and they were offended. : ( It hurt. So I really do know how bad this stinks.

Hugs to you. I don't know why she would do that but as others have said, it's probably something personal and really not about YOU.

[chaoticzenmom]

Originally Posted by KMK_Mama

Well, I wrote her back. I just told her that I hope she is able to find peace with her life, that she deserves that, and if it means we can't be friends anymore then I respect it...that I enjoyed and valued our friendship...and that I am always here if she needs anything. That's all I can do. Even if she writes back and says she wants to maintain the friendship I realize it will never be the same, so it doesn't really matter what happens now.

That's exactly what I was about to post that you should do Hopefully, you'll be able to find some good friends with the same values. Do you have access to a UU church? I've made some great friends there and I don't have to worry about having different beliefs. I'm sure I do have different beliefs than some there, but we're all there because we're tolerant and even thankful for differences.

[lilyka]

s that sucks.

[KMK_Mama]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom

That's exactly what I was about to post that you should do Hopefully, you'll be able to find some good friends with the same values. Do you have access to a UU church? I've made some great friends there and I don't have to worry about having different beliefs. I'm sure I do have different beliefs than some there, but we're all there because we're tolerant and even thankful for differences.

The closest UU church is about 45 minutes away. I was thinking about looking into it. I wish it wasn't called a "church" though.

[TzippityDoulah]

Originally Posted by KMK_Mama

Well, I wrote her back. I just told her that I hope she is able to find peace with her life, that she deserves that, and if it means we can't be friends anymore then I respect it...that I enjoyed and valued our friendship...and that I am always here if she needs anything. That's all I can do. Even if she writes back and says she wants to maintain the friendship I realize it will never be the same, so it doesn't really matter what happens now.

I just had to commend you. that was the most selfless caring thing you could have possibly said!

It makes me really re-think my terrible attitude when my former best friend dropped me out of nowhere. (I wasn't so gracious in my response!)

wow. just wow. you are one heck of an understanding person! I'm going to use your good attitude as a lesson to myself if you don't mine

[KMK_Mama]

Originally Posted by HennyPenny

I just had to commend you. that was the most selfless caring thing you could have possibly said!

It makes me really re-think my terrible attitude when my former best friend dropped me out of nowhere. (I wasn't so gracious in my response!)

wow. just wow. you are one heck of an understanding person! I'm going to use your good attitude as a lesson to myself if you don't mine

Thanks for saying that. I will admit that it wasn't my first draft. I wrote a few responses that I ended up not sending. I decided this was the best way to approach it.

I'm not perfect though....I am very hurt and feel judged and betrayed. A few things transpired on Facebook last night after I put a quote in my status that her husband didn't like. I ended up erasing them as friends today. The feelings I expressed in my letter still stand, I will be there for her, but I just don't feel like they should be my friends on Facebook and be able to peek in on my life when I know how they feel about me. I hope I did the right thing.