feeling lost (long)

[robinchap1]

I used to be very active here a couple of years ago. I haven't been around very much in the last year or so. I've started logging on and lurking a bit again recently. It's good to be back. I don't know why I drifted away. I have good friends, but most are married. I'm not sure I know anyone in real life who really fully "gets it," what my life is like.

I could really use some... something. Support, I guess. Connection. I am feeling very lost right now. I don't even know how to express it. I'm so tired. And not very happy. And I just don't know what to do.

I don't know that it's any one thing. Or maybe it is.

I know I'm very lucky. I have it better than many many single moms. I have a nice apartment, heat, food, a beautiful sunshiney boy, a supportive family, a career, regular child support checks. But somehow it all feels so hard. I have accrued quite a bit of debt since my ex left 4 years ago. And not buying things or taking trips, just in order to get by. I've sort of been in denial about making ends meet by ignoring the ever increasing credit card debt. I run my own business doing work that I love, or used to love. And still do at times, and could more if I wasn't so tired all the time. I am always stressed about business. And I don't take as good of care of my business as I need to.

When I'm at work, I feel like I should be home with my son. When I'm with my son I feel stressed about the work that needs doing. My house is always a mess. Did I mention how damn tired I feel?

My son is 3 1/2 and does not sleep through the night. Not even close. I am up multiple times every night. Like every 1-3 hours, sometimes more. And have been for 3 1/2 years. 4, really. I didn't sleep much after my ex left when I was pregnant. For the past year DS has been going 1 night/week to his father's. So now it's only 6 nights/week. I have no idea how to help him sleep. And I am so incredibly tired that I can't stick to anything.

Things are relatively peaceful with my ex at the moment. But that is just a matter of time.

My ex left when I was pregnant, for another woman. They are married and have 2 small children. When my son comes home from there now, he tells me that it is too quiet at our house, that there are only 2 people here and that is not enough. It makes me want to cry.

2 years ago I met a wonderful man. I have never connected with anyone like I did with him. We both had painful divorces, emotional baggage, and children and took things very slowly. And kept our lives very separate. I felt like I healed many parts of myself with him. And I fell in love, like never before. He ended it right before Christmas. It is a long story, and not really a surprise. And, if I'm honest with myself, probably for the best, at least for now. But I am so incredibly, deeply, painfully sad. It hurts so very much. I think this is what is driving my lost feeling... but it goes so much deeper. It's like this is waking up years of pain for me... I can't explain it. I don't understand it. And... I so wanted and believed in a future together. I can't wrap my head around the idea that 2 people could be so so so good together, and not end up together.

And I want to feel happy with my life as it is. But I don't. I want a partner, a family. I crave it. I didn't for the 1st couple of years. This man brought it out in me. And I am so sad. And I am realizing that I am probably not going have more children. I am getting older. And feel like I have so much healing to do before I'd ever be ready to be with someone else. And that breaks my heart more deeply than I can express....

I realize this post is completely disjointed and doesn't really seem to have a point. I don't even know what I'm looking for.

I am not jumping off any bridges or anything. I am working at 1 day at at time. And trying to engage in and appreciate what I'm doing in any given moment (work, being with my son, etc.). I feel like I need something... I don't know what it is... something spiritual, or something to connect to. I don't know. This probably makes no sense.

Thank you for reading this far and for being here.

[Rosehip]

[PoppyMama]

There are ups and downs for sure

Practical advice...
Another MDC mom who suffered from depression and sleepless children told me that she got her on that sleep regulator vitamin. I can't remember the name of it right now but when it comes to me I'll post it. I would also consider taking it yourself along with some 5htp and maybe st. johns wort. What is your routine like? I know when my kids were young it was important to have special and family conducive rituals to help order and bring together our day. As your son gets older you can put a "sleeping lamp" in his bed area and leave a couple of stuffed animals and maybe a book there so that if he wakes up he can relax himself and go back to sleep. Single moms who are working and largely responsible for the children need to divide the time with small rituals so that you can embrace the role you're supposed to be in at that moment. It really is a beautiful place to be when you can make some rituals and let yourself enjoy it. After you feel at peace with where you are go lookin' for a partner.

[PoppyMama]

I hit the send button before the commiseration spot....

it SUCKS sometimes doesn't it. AAGGHHHRRRHHH!!! I can't tell you how many times I paced my living room with a glass of wine (sometimes hit my driveway with a cig) cursing my x and everything else under my breath. Take care.

[Holland73]

<<<<<<Awwww robinchap!>>>>>> I am so very, very sorry!

I remember when you first met your bf. I remember the discussions about the beginnings. I am so sorry to hear that things have ended.

Be gentle with yourself and just continue to take it one day at a time. Please feel free to pm if you want to chat.

It is really hard and painful, in addition to throwing everything else in your life off-center. Just take is slow and give yourself some time and a compassionate break.

Take care of yourself!

[EarthRootsStarSoul]

I'm in a similar frame of mind right now. I keep having anxiety attacks from being alone in my house too much. I'm making friends, but it's slow work.

[MissLotus]

I can relate to much of this. First of all, though, the sleep issue colors everything, absolutely. (My son's 8 now and is the best sleeper, but he wasn't a good sleeper till he was about 3... until then I was a total zombie). Even if every aspect of life was grand, if you're not getting enough sleep, it would look lousy. So, given your recent break-up as well, it's no wonder you're feeling this way.

For about 10 months - and it ended last March - I dated a man I felt very, very compatible with. It's the only person I've dated since my divorce 2.5 years ago. Before him, I didn't miss dating, didn't yearn for a partner - was okay by myself. When we broke up, I too knew it was for the best (primarily because he had a big lying problem and he lives long-distance which didn't help), but we really had no closure. So it's taken about this long to get myself back to the place where I'm good by myself. I know what you mean about how the relationship brings out feelings that you didn't even know you had, things that were buried deep. For me, I don't know that they're resolved, so much as dormant. But at least it's not as painful. Anyway, after we broke up I was more discontent with my life, in a way I never had been... before that - although my ex's behavior vascillates between tolerable and not good, I was content with my child, my warm little apartment. After the break-up - I wanted to feel that same contentment with the good things I do have. But I spent a few months feeling irritable and gloomy.

Things aren't all solved now; money's an issue (I really hear you on the debt brought about by necessity), though I too get regular child support. But I'm feeling more like myself again.

So I'd say first solve the sleep issue - then give yourself time to grieve. You won't always feel this badly.

[racheepoo]

I'm so sorry. It is really hard to not be able to kind of pull together all your wants and needs, isn't it? I haven't had another relationship since leaving my ex, in part because I just felt too close to the "please rescue me from this life" kind of feeling deep inside me. It's hard to go day in and day out and be the only one responsible for every decision.

You said "It feels like I have so much healing to do before getting involved with anyone else," and I'd encourage you to do that. See a counselor, get your stuff worked out. Once you are healthy and whole you'll attract the same kind of person...and it will be worth the wait.

[robinchap1]

Thank you all so much for words of support, understanding, advice, kindness. It really helps. It really helps.
Thank you, Holland, for remembering.
Miss Lotus, your post helped me a lot. All of that, from the lack of sleep, to having felt content with my life before meeting J... and struggling to get back there... It helps to know someone else who has gone/is going through this. And that you are feeling more like yourself. I miss myself! Although, I am feeling rather confused about who that is and where to look to find her, if that makes any sense.

Yes, I do need to grieve. The grief just feels so bottomless.

"It's hard to go day in and day out and be the only one responsible for every decision"-- That really hit home with me too.

Thank you all.
It is good for me to be back here. I feel grateful.

[ilanaRose]

I hear you...

[meemee]

the book that started me off was 'the artist's way' by julia cameron.

it gave me direction of how to take care of myself and permission to go do things on my own. it gave me the courage to do things that i would not normally do. i discovered i loved doing it.

it put me in this incredible place i am now. life is still hard. i am still poor but man do i have a great life internally and externally.

yes of course you are going to be sad. its the second time you are having to deal with a broken dream - more so now because of the biological clock.

what really worked for me was to really sit and mourn and feel the sadness. at one point it got too much and i had enough of it and i healed.

my heat aches for you, because it reminds me of the pain i went through.

oh and i AM officially too old to have kids anymore. i am in perimenopause. starts early in my family. it is incredibly sad. however i have accepted it. i so badly wanted another child. mainly because after dd i felt i finally got parenthood and i so wanted to practise on another child. where i wouldnt be freaking out so much over things like potty training or throwing food or all those 'little' things we stress about.

yup dd also complained about our house being too quiet. so i moved in with a roommate. it was a phase. 2 years after wanting a noisy home she now wants to do things only with me with no other friend there. really cracks me up.

one of the common repeated phrase i have heard from almost all spiritual leaders is that parenting is hard. single doubly so. and yet its the most important role a person can play.

start journaling or drawing to get your thoughts on paper. start doing little things for yourself. i seriously went on a spiritual path which has completely transformed my life and gave me the healing and companionship i was looking for.

[EarthRootsStarSoul]

I also wanted to mention that I also just got dumped by my first post-divorce boyfriend, and it was worse than the divorce itself. And I've heard that from other people too, so I think it's pretty normal. My life was going so great after the divorce, I felt beautiful, happy, and confident and I knew good things were coming my way. Then I hear, "I don't want to see you anymore," and everything just crashed for weeks. It ripped the scab off of every wound I've ever had. I still feel like crap most of the time.

[ExOfficia]

Oh, mama, I can hear you struggling...

I so totally agree with the other mamas who said that sleep is job 1. As for helping him sleep, do you co-sleep? My kids are older, 8 and 9, but in the last couple of months during my own hell (stbx is leaving me for- get this- an exgf from 22 years ago) I have gone back to co-sleeping. Due to the size of my bed (queen) I can only do it with one kid at a time, but I swear it's helping all of us. They're both decent sleepers but one of them gets up multiple times to go to the bathroom and I am a very light sleeper in times of stress (like now, big time) and I am finding we all sleep better. Plus of course there is something deeply, internally comforting about having your children in your warm cozy bed. For me this a big form of self care.

Could you structure some sort of easy, simple ritual for him for bedtime? Again I am a big believer in ritual as comfort. Ours is that after the kids have brushed their teeth and are in pj's, they both come into my bed and we talk about the day that has passed, and the day coming up. We go to bed early enough so that there's a bit of time for this. I find that because they are more mellow and relaxed (and tired!) at this time, they tend to really open up and we have great conversations. It's good for them and good for me.

Lastly, is there anyway that you could designate (as in, block of this time in your agenda) some of the time your ex has with your child as specifically your self-care time? I know that there are always a million and ten things to catch up on that you *could* use this time for, but you really have to be job one to be your best for your son. And, you deserve it. It's been a hard time and you absolutely deserve to treat yourself well, whatever this looks like. When my stbx moves out I plan to use some of this time as my gym time. Of course I'll do some errands and other necessary stuff, but the gym time will be sacred.

I wish you (and all of us here!) much, much deep peace.

[WorldsBestMom]

I feel your pain. Just take one step at a time.

"To take one step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly, or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's supposed to happen
And we find the reasons why
One step at a time"