I am 36 years old am the proud mother of a 13 month-old beautiful baby girl. We adore her! It was a rough start though. The pregnancy was pretty uneventful, healthy, and did not have morning sickness, other than the typical frequent need to urinate and some heartburn. Our baby was born at 40 weeks and 2 days by c-section. We had a doula and labored for 36 hours. I developed preeclampsia when I went into labor. I ended up getting magnesium from the time I arrived at our hospital until I had to be rushed for emergency c-section due to my heart rate dropping to 64/20. I also ended up with a incision infection and was rushed back to the hospital one week later after it burst open. Prior to that, I had 105 fevers and doctors were baffled as to why I was running such high fevers. My daughter would have meltdowns every time I tried to nurse her. She would literally scream bloody murder and push away. We were very frustrated. I also think the breast feeding support we got was not the greatest. The doula helped a little but honestly was left feeling like it was my fault that I wasn't trying hard enough. It also didn't help that I was away from my baby for 4 days in the hospital as my wound was treated. I was left frazzled and scared. It also didn't help my baby was suffering from colic (whatever that means) and would scream for 5 hours at a time. I developed postpartum depression and was paralyzed with fear that I could not parent my gorgeous baby girl. I was fortunate to have a strong support network. My mother was there from day 1 and did not leave until I mustered the courage to take care of my baby by myself. I was prescribed antidepressants which also made it impossible for me to breast feed. I really didn't want to expose my child to the drugs. My milk was also very scarce. Probably 1/2 and ounce after 30 minutes of pumping. I thought if we hired a doula, went to classes, bought all the gear to practice attachment parenting (she hated the sling!) we could raise our baby girl as I had dreamt. Instead, I had and adapt to a more mainstream way of parenting. Now the that my child is 13 months old the time has come to decide whether we should try having a second child. We have drafted a pro and con list. My heart tells me I want to have another child but because of many reasons I think it is not the right the right thing to do. I don't want to have a child to heal from my past experience. I don't think a child should be born to address a parent's past bad experiences. I also don't think we can provide the lifestyle I would hope to raise my child in if we have another one. So I'm torn. My husband's reasons are genuine. He wants another child to love. He also wants a companion for our daughter. I do agree with the companion reason. Not so much for now, but for her twilight years when perhaps she has grown old and become a widow. I see how my mother is so attached to her surviving sisters now that they have all become widows and their kids have formed their families and even become grandparents themselves.
Any feedback would be much appreciated.
Any feedback would be much appreciated.
.... I don't know the right answer, but am right there with you. Sorry for rambling, but this has been on my mind a lot lately.
