I'm having a hard time with some church related stuff right now.
It's hard to sum up without writing a novel. Churchwise, we are conservative evangelicals and part of a plant from another church in the area, so our church is less than a year old.
The past few years have been quite challenging for my family, so we were already in quite a vulnerable state when Oct 2008 we found I was expecting and unplanned 3rd baby. I had PPD after my 1st baby, but not my 2nd, but knowing how much more vulnerable I felt, I expected depression, just not as soon as it hit, partly I was extremely exhausted, not just the regular 1st trimester stuff, but also because of stopping meds for narcolepsy, so early symptoms got mixed up with those symptoms and I didn't get on meds soon enough, iirc it was April last year
As soon as I went on meds we went in to see our pastor, mainly to get encouragement and ideas for trying to keep faithful whilst I recovered as I'd found that when I'd had PPD before I'd pretty much shut down that part of my life, but as I recovered, it recovered too.
Turned out he was looking for demonic activity, something I'd not even considered, but with my illness, I accepted it as a possibility and agreed to go through a process of casting out demons, which seemed to reveal somethings, but also frightened me, raised my blood pressure. I've not had much time to study demonic activity, but from what little I do know, I definitely think it's possible, but that it's only a possible part of depression, not the cause or the cure.
Unfortunately my depression didn't seem to respond to the first things we tried and then one drug made me very unstable, not manic, but swinging through anger, paranoia, all sorts of things, which unsurprisingly caused a few very difficult situations, including ones where the pastor yelled at me to grow up. In the middle of October I finally figured out that these were probably caused by a drug, not needing another drug to treat and within a week I was back to normal, though normal was still a depressed normal. Then about 6wks ago I started wellbutrin and it's been a complete turn around, I finally not just bawling my eyes out most of the day, which was what had been happening until then.
Because our pastor identified relationship issues as a trigger, he sent us to a christian counsellor, who I was initially quite encouraged by, though disappointed with my husbands response and by early december I'd decided that he wasn't the right counsellor for me and I told the pastor this, his response was to ask that I signed a disclosure form so he could speak with the counsellor, I think I responded something like why, I've already decided he's not working for me, to which the pastor implied that he would make that decision for me.
There was then an incident that I posted in the lactivism forum, it's still on the first page I think "another bf in church incident". Which is the last time I've spoken to the pastor. We did see the counsellor again and my husband signed the disclosure form, but the counsellor has said he doesn't feel he can separate us out and talk to the pastor about one of us and not the other, which I respect him for.
I tried to speak to the pastor about exactly why he wanted the form signed and what he hoped to acheive from it, but my phone messages are not being returned and email messages are being intercepted and replied to by his assistant. The message seems to be you know why he wants it signed (which I don't feel I do) and he won't see you until you've signed it (which to me is coercion, whether I'm right or wrong in intially not signing it.
I'm aware that as I'm going through this, I'm less better than my superficial happy mood would indicate, as my thought are drifting to bad ones far too often.
So I feel STUCK, I don't feel it's a good idea for my long term mental health to sign, I don't feel that once the information is out of a medical office with the laws that protect privacy that it's going to remain private. But I'm not even allowed to talk to the pastor to discuss these issues.
My husband points out that this pretty much means I'll have to leave the church, or I'll be removed from it for failure to submit to spiritual authority. But that he wouldn't support me in that. He believes me not signing is purely stubborness and not wanting to submit to spiritial authority, I can give numerous reasons that I don't think it's a good idea, but ultimately thay may not be sufficiently strong to excuse me from needing to submit to spiritual authority, I'm still in prayer on that one. But what bothers me is that whilst they wait on me, I'm not allowed to speak with the pastor, because whilst I don't think one sin excused another, it can certainly give you cause for concern and I feel he's exercising his authority in an unloving manner and I know ultimately he'll answer for that.
I need wisdom, I need opportunities to speak with friends who aren't in this church, but know me and know the situation and so might be able to speak wisdom into this.
Obviously we all need prayer!
It's hard to sum up without writing a novel. Churchwise, we are conservative evangelicals and part of a plant from another church in the area, so our church is less than a year old.
The past few years have been quite challenging for my family, so we were already in quite a vulnerable state when Oct 2008 we found I was expecting and unplanned 3rd baby. I had PPD after my 1st baby, but not my 2nd, but knowing how much more vulnerable I felt, I expected depression, just not as soon as it hit, partly I was extremely exhausted, not just the regular 1st trimester stuff, but also because of stopping meds for narcolepsy, so early symptoms got mixed up with those symptoms and I didn't get on meds soon enough, iirc it was April last year
As soon as I went on meds we went in to see our pastor, mainly to get encouragement and ideas for trying to keep faithful whilst I recovered as I'd found that when I'd had PPD before I'd pretty much shut down that part of my life, but as I recovered, it recovered too.
Turned out he was looking for demonic activity, something I'd not even considered, but with my illness, I accepted it as a possibility and agreed to go through a process of casting out demons, which seemed to reveal somethings, but also frightened me, raised my blood pressure. I've not had much time to study demonic activity, but from what little I do know, I definitely think it's possible, but that it's only a possible part of depression, not the cause or the cure.
Unfortunately my depression didn't seem to respond to the first things we tried and then one drug made me very unstable, not manic, but swinging through anger, paranoia, all sorts of things, which unsurprisingly caused a few very difficult situations, including ones where the pastor yelled at me to grow up. In the middle of October I finally figured out that these were probably caused by a drug, not needing another drug to treat and within a week I was back to normal, though normal was still a depressed normal. Then about 6wks ago I started wellbutrin and it's been a complete turn around, I finally not just bawling my eyes out most of the day, which was what had been happening until then.
Because our pastor identified relationship issues as a trigger, he sent us to a christian counsellor, who I was initially quite encouraged by, though disappointed with my husbands response and by early december I'd decided that he wasn't the right counsellor for me and I told the pastor this, his response was to ask that I signed a disclosure form so he could speak with the counsellor, I think I responded something like why, I've already decided he's not working for me, to which the pastor implied that he would make that decision for me.
There was then an incident that I posted in the lactivism forum, it's still on the first page I think "another bf in church incident". Which is the last time I've spoken to the pastor. We did see the counsellor again and my husband signed the disclosure form, but the counsellor has said he doesn't feel he can separate us out and talk to the pastor about one of us and not the other, which I respect him for.
I tried to speak to the pastor about exactly why he wanted the form signed and what he hoped to acheive from it, but my phone messages are not being returned and email messages are being intercepted and replied to by his assistant. The message seems to be you know why he wants it signed (which I don't feel I do) and he won't see you until you've signed it (which to me is coercion, whether I'm right or wrong in intially not signing it.
I'm aware that as I'm going through this, I'm less better than my superficial happy mood would indicate, as my thought are drifting to bad ones far too often.
So I feel STUCK, I don't feel it's a good idea for my long term mental health to sign, I don't feel that once the information is out of a medical office with the laws that protect privacy that it's going to remain private. But I'm not even allowed to talk to the pastor to discuss these issues.
My husband points out that this pretty much means I'll have to leave the church, or I'll be removed from it for failure to submit to spiritual authority. But that he wouldn't support me in that. He believes me not signing is purely stubborness and not wanting to submit to spiritial authority, I can give numerous reasons that I don't think it's a good idea, but ultimately thay may not be sufficiently strong to excuse me from needing to submit to spiritual authority, I'm still in prayer on that one. But what bothers me is that whilst they wait on me, I'm not allowed to speak with the pastor, because whilst I don't think one sin excused another, it can certainly give you cause for concern and I feel he's exercising his authority in an unloving manner and I know ultimately he'll answer for that.
I need wisdom, I need opportunities to speak with friends who aren't in this church, but know me and know the situation and so might be able to speak wisdom into this.
Obviously we all need prayer!
I'm sorry mama, that sounds rough.
