DH won't talk to me about my concerns! Feel so alone in this...

[shells_n_cheese]

I just got done with chatting with my DH on IM, about our 3 yo son (I posted my concerns about him in a post recently "Something is just not "right").

Today before his nap, I read DS a book, and he started doing his stimming like CRAZY. More animated than ever before. He was doing his usual hand flapping, arms jerking overhead, wiggling toes, all while he was giggling. He also was staring at my mouth as I read. He also would roll his eyes up to the ceiling every now and then. WTH? It gave me a pit in my stomach and made me want to burst into tears... what is wrong with him?? Why does he seem so 'normal' sometimes, and then does something like this?

We had a ped appt scheduled last month--we told our ped about concerns--but we had to reschedule, amd haven't done so yet. Not to mention DH thinks we should just wait until his well visit in April now.

DH is in DENIAL that DS has some odd behaviors. Yes, maybe he is just odd, but still, why would he not want to be MORE proactive in this??!! I am thinking about scheduling a "secret" visit with the ped, but would that be wrong??

I have ALWAYS thought DS was... different. DH even had times when he expressed some concerns. But now he totally shuts me out and ANYTHING I try to tell him about DS's behavior he turns into an argument and says I am PURPOSELY looking for something! And that if he is evaluated and they say he is ok, then I will just try and find someone else to test him because it's not what I want to hear!! This infuriated me! He basically says I WANT them to find something wrong with my son even if he is ok!

I just told him about the book/stimming episode on gmail chat, telling him I have a pit in my stomach and I am worried... and his reply:

He is fine. I love you. ttyl

Then logged off. I just want to give up. He is not working with me to try to get to the bottom of what is causing our son to behave the way he as lately.

[DaughterOfKali]

What did the pediatrician say? (many of them are not educated in autism spectrum disorders though)

[earthmama4]

IMO in a healthy relationship, if one person thinks there's a problem, there's a problem. If you are worried, then THAT in and of itself is at least a problem worth addressing, even if he thinks there is no basis for your concerns. Even if you don't see eye to eye, addressing your concerns through a simple evaluation should be something he is willing to do. If he won't, then that suggests to me that he really does think something is wrong deep down but is not prepared to deal with the reality of a dx. Delaying a dx if there is special needs is more risky than taking a child in and being told they are developmentally normal. With the latter, all you have lost is an afternoon of time and your insurance co-pay and you've gained some peace of mind.

It is important that you both learn to communicate effectively regarding your son, especially if he does end up dx with special needs. Special needs kids can really try a marriage, and one big issue is disagreements on how to approach the problem. It sounds like there are trust and respect issues and I suggest speaking to a counselor together if he's willing before it gets too out of hand. Do not go behind his back to a doctor, that will just further the mistrust and really pit you against one another. It would be far better to be direct and tell him, "I know you aren't concerned, but *I* am, and its something I need to address to at least put my mind at ease as a mom. I am going to make an appt and I want you to come with me. Are you willing to?" If he isnt then you can go on your own with a clean conscience.

[sbgrace]

I really identify (not anymore, but at the beginning here).
"He is fine. I love you. Gotta go." was pretty much how it went here. Like I was imagining all of it and worried over nothing. No one in my life (best friend, family, husband) shared my concerns or even listened well really. I know you feel alone.

It is very common for one parent to see "it" and the other parent not. I think the reasons vary but it's soooo common. I see it here all the time and lived it.

My husband came around when a really good evaluator plainly showed him why she believed my son was on the spectrum. It was a lightbulb moment for him and he never wavered after that. Me, interestingly, started moving in and out of "maybe they were wrong/he seems so normal" and "how could I ever think he wasn't on the spectrum" kind of thoughts for a while!

I don't have great advice but he will come around in time. It's the waiting for that which is hard. And you're in a time now when you desperately need emotional support and understanding (this stage of the journey when you've got possibilities and no certainties is the hardest or was for me) and you don't have it. That's so difficult.

[UptownZoo]

To second what Rachelle said, this is very, very common. In the early years, I felt so terribly alone, it was almost unbearable. I mean, sometimes DP would acknowledge that something with DS was not quite right, but then he'd fall right back into denial. Not until DS was about 5 did DP really start to get it.

And this was the hardest part for me, too. Now, at least I have people in my worry-boat with me, and that means more than just me looking for solutions. But getting here was a long road.

All that said, not everyone will agree with me, but developmental evals are not invasive and I'd have been comfortable doing those whether DP agreed or not (he did eventually get willing to do testing). That might be something to consider; you're just gathering information, after all.

[anj_rn]

Do you have access to a video camera? If so I would suggest videoing these episodes for your doc to see. As a nurse, we have had many difficult cases where one parent says, my child has this behavior and the other parent denies it. If we do not see the behavior, it is very hard to work the case. Also, many times it helps the provider to sit with the parents and show the behavior and say this is normal, this is not, this is worrisome, etc.

I do not have advice for how to hadle DH, but I can give you ((((hugs)))) and say we are all here if you need to vent.

[InMediasRes]

This sounds exactly like what I have been going through with DH. He keeps saying I am making things up, that the doctor didn't really say what she said, etc. He accuses me of coming here looking for something that is wrong.

And then he is yelling-stomping frustrated that he can't take his son anywhere because he flips out whenever we go out in public.

Fortunately, things have shifted a bit in the last few weeks, and DH is beginning to think that, even if nothing is wrong, I'm not going to let go of it until we've talked to professionals who are versed in this sort of thing (not just the ped) and exhausted some of the options. I agree that if one person is worried, it's an issue. Unfortunately, we are really feeling the division that happened over this issue.

I think you have valid concerns and should do what you think your son needs, even if your DH isn't onboard.

[AnalogWife]

Mine tells me I read too much, that DS is going to wake up one day and start giving Shakespeare lectures and that if we invite too many doctors or therapists or state employees into our lives then he'll eventually end up on some sort of drug/s. I think we watched the wrong PBS episode together, he's so afraid of pills that he turns the other way. Lots of to you.

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

I went through this with dh in the begining. I would mention things and he'd just say something along the lines of, "he'll grow out of it." Slowly he began to see a little bit, but still seemed in denial. Then, two weeks after Kindergarten started, we got a call from the teacher. She had all the same worries and concerns I had had, and dh had to admit then that there were issues. I think it's really hard sometimes for men to admit that there might be a problem with their child and they truly want to believe it's just a stage or there is nothing wrong.

As far as making a secret appointment, I would actually try to make an appointment for a time that your dh can be there. Sometines hearing the concerns from someone else makes it more real. I would also try to get a video of your son stimming. This could be really important for your dh and the peditrician.

[2boyzmama]

My husband was pretty much in denial for a long time, too. He had a few "aha" moments along the way, but until Connor's diagnosis, he basically thought I was more and more crazy.

It doesn't help that I became a lot more "crunchy" between Ian and Connor, I wasn't exactly mainstream with Ian, but I was much further from mainstream with Connor. So my husband blamed it on all my newfound "hippy" ways.

Our circumstances were different because Connor's issues were medical and not behavioral, he had obvious physical birth defects. My husband didn't deny those, no one could, but he didn't think that there was anything underlying causing all of his birth defects. And he thought that Connor would just "grow out" of them.

It was a big rift in our marriage for a while. We basically didn't talk about Connor, we'd talk about other things, but it all got too...pleasant I guess...for a while. I even would say something like "I'm taking off work early tomorrow to go to Cincinnati", then I'd come home, get COnnor, and leave. It was blaringly obvious that I was taking Connor to see another specialist, but I didn't outright say it, because my husband would be really uncomfortable about it all. He was stuck between "there's nothing wrong why are you still going to all these drs" and "you're the mom, you do what's best" and "I don't really care if you take him to a bunch of drs".

But as Connor got older, missed more milestones, his defects were more obvious in some cases, and more things popped up, my husband couldn't ignore it anymore. "Diagnosis Day", as I call it, was a HUGE punch to the gut for my husband, whereas it was a huge relief for me. I was ready for it, even WANTING it, he was definitely NOT ready for it.

That was almost 2 years ago, and my husband and I are still somewhat in different places. We're much more connected about it all, but he avoids reading and I research to no end. I was just looking at MRIs of brain development in the pre-teen years this morning. That's something that my husband is not interested in. He's kind of a "deal with it when it comes" kind of guy, I'm more of a "I want to know everything that might happen so I can be ready before it happens" kind of gal.

By now, though, we have gotten comfortable with each other's perspective, and we work more as a team. But we had to go through that horrible stage first.