S/O What if we both die?

[swd12422]

I'm not sure where to post this, but the thread about designating guardians for the kids in the event that both parents die reminded me that we need to figure that one out for ourselves, too.

And lots of other things! Someone in that thread suggested life insurance to ensure that there's enough money for the children to be raised comfortably and not be too much of an expense for anyone to take them on. What else do we need in our will/estate plan?

Help me complete the list:
1. Name a guardian.
2. Life insurance to cover DC's expenses.
3. Do you specify how you want your kids to be raised? IOW, only organic foods or whole foods, certain methods of discipline, exercise, etc.? Like a manual for how you want your kids raised?
4. What else?

[velochic]

If you go to an estate attorney, they will give you either a written or verbal checklist of everything you need to think about for your particular situation. You can also do a google search for something like "how do I make a will" or some similar search terms and there are a lot of resources out there. The thing is, everybody's situation is so different, that there's not a good generic laundry list.

[Viola]

We just go through doing this estate planning. In addition to designating who we wanted to have our children, and who we wanted to be the trustee of the money for them (two different people), we did a few other things. We did advanced medical directives, and something related to our house: some sort of deed that our state allows if we both die, signing over our house to another person named in the will. I forget what that is called now, and it hasn't been that long. Sheesh. We didn't specify anything related to how the guardians would raise the children, but we do have provisions for a hand written letter for giving away personal items. And we did something related to how old they will be when they will have control over their money from the trust.

The lawyer we used had pdf files on her website of the information we'd need to bring with us.

[Meems]

IMO, you really need an attorney to walk you through everything. I know lots of people say that it doesn't need to be done, but to me, there are too many things that could potentially interfere, and nothing is more important to me that our wishes for our DD be airtight.


1. Name a guardian. You will need to think of two people, one to name, and one as a backup
2. Life insurance to cover DC's expenses. Definitely. Enough to cover all of your debt and leave $$ to raise your child.
3. Do you specify how you want your kids to be raised? IOW, only organic foods or whole foods, certain methods of discipline, exercise, etc.? Like a manual for how you want your kids raised? We wrote an addendum to our will that specified our wishes for DD's health, schooling, etc etc. And we made sure that our guardian is well aligned w/ our beliefs.
4. What else? We also specified interim guardians in case our guardians needed to travel to get her, etc.

[snarky]

The location of your will should be well known. The will should contain a list of bank accounts, brokerage accounts, credit cards, social security numbers, insurance information, passport numbers, ... All of this stuff needs to be easily discoverable when you die.

[SunshineJ]

Include any information about your wish for any pets. Are they to be put down, taken to a shelter, go with the children, etc.

[Kirsten]

Originally Posted by swd12422

Do you specify how you want your kids to be raised? IOW, only organic foods or whole foods, certain methods of discipline, exercise, etc.? Like a manual for how you want your kids raised?

My parents died when I was in junior high. I was the oldest of three kids. No will. Who the courts gave us to is the absolute LAST person my parents would have picked.

Picking guardians for your kid(s) is the absolute most important thing you can do. There are two important things to keep in priority when deciding.

1) Who LOVES your child? Who will be a loving, accepting, supportive person in her life? Religion doesn't matter. Politics don't matter. Being blood relation doesn't matter. Being married vs. single doesn't matter. Whole foods, exercise habits, none of it matters. Love - will your child feel loved by this person? I can tell you that my parents spanked on occasion - and loved us so much that I can still feel it from here, 28 years later. And when thinking about this part of it - whom does your child love? Who do they smile at, trust with personal info about themselves, feel comfortable with, hug?

2) Location, location, location! Depending on age of the kids, I would try VERY hard to find a guardian who lives in the same town preferably, or very nearby if not. Your sister across the country who has a dd the same age and cooks organic but only sees your dd twice a year is NOT a good choice IMO. Your best friend whose family might be struggling a bit with the economy but who LOVES your kid and who your kid is really at ease with and trusts is a better choice if you ask me.

Who would be comforting to your child if she woke up one day and both her parents were dead? Also, when my parents died, the other things in my life became VERY important to me. My friends, my school, the place we went to buy ice cream. Just the continuity of the stuff I knew. It didn't make me sad; it comforted me to be where they had been. To be in the town where we lived when they were here with me.

Unless you had absolutely NO other choice, I would never choose anyone more than an hour from where you live. The older your kids get, the more important this is. I think my 6 year old brother might have been able to move away easier than I could have at 14. Being forced to move away was my worst fear, and I was terrified of it. I would have run away; I made plans to if we were given to my mom's family out of state - even though I loved them and still do to this day. But after all that loss, you can't take away everything else too - it is too cruel.

[aelf]

You should also include what sorts of things money can be spent on (this is more important if you have someone other than the guardian taking care of the money). For instance, can the guardian use some of the child's money to purchase a bigger home so that the child can have his or her own room? What about buying a larger car, if that's necessary? Some things may be clear cut - like using money to pay for schooling in the same way the child has been educated. But other things, like new house and car, are more ambiguous and it can be useful to spell them out.

We didn't specify details about how we want our daughter to be raised, but we did specify that pets stay with her. And our guardian knows (and agrees) that we expect our child to remain in her same home and school if at all possible. While we might prefer she eat organic, or not watch TV, I'm not as concerned about those as knowing that my child won't be separated from her beloved pets, or wrenched from her home and friends after already suffering a devestatingterrible loss.

[PPK]

Originally Posted by Kirsten

My parents died when I was in junior high. I was the oldest of three kids. No will. Who the courts gave us to is the absolute LAST person my parents would have picked.

Picking guardians for your kid(s) is the absolute most important thing you can do. There are two important things to keep in priority when deciding.

1) Who LOVES your child? Who will be a loving, accepting, supportive person in her life? Religion doesn't matter. Politics don't matter. Being blood relation doesn't matter. Being married vs. single doesn't matter. Whole foods, exercise habits, none of it matters. Love - will your child feel loved by this person? I can tell you that my parents spanked on occasion - and loved us so much that I can still feel it from here, 28 years later. And when thinking about this part of it - whom does your child love? Who do they smile at, trust with personal info about themselves, feel comfortable with, hug?

2) Location, location, location! Depending on age of the kids, I would try VERY hard to find a guardian who lives in the same town preferably, or very nearby if not. Your sister across the country who has a dd the same age and cooks organic but only sees your dd twice a year is NOT a good choice IMO. Your best friend whose family might be struggling a bit with the economy but who LOVES your kid and who your kid is really at ease with and trusts is a better choice if you ask me.

Who would be comforting to your child if she woke up one day and both her parents were dead? Also, when my parents died, the other things in my life became VERY important to me. My friends, my school, the place we went to buy ice cream. Just the continuity of the stuff I knew. It didn't make me sad; it comforted me to be where they had been. To be in the town where we lived when they were here with me.

Unless you had absolutely NO other choice, I would never choose anyone more than an hour from where you live. The older your kids get, the more important this is. I think my 6 year old brother might have been able to move away easier than I could have at 14. Being forced to move away was my worst fear, and I was terrified of it. I would have run away; I made plans to if we were given to my mom's family out of state - even though I loved them and still do to this day. But after all that loss, you can't take away everything else too - it is too cruel.

What an amazing post, this gives me so much to think about. Thank you!

[noobmom]

1. Name a guardian.

As other people said, guardian and backup. A trustee handles the money--BUT it can severely complicate things for the person raising your child if the trustee and guardian aren't the same person. If at all possible, pick someone that you trust with both raising your child and handling the money.

I would make sure to talk to the person before naming them guardian. Just because you grant them your children doesn't mean they have to take them, so double-check first!

2. Life insurance to cover DC's expenses.

Yep, and also probably enough to cover your funeral expenses. You'll have to decide if you want to put aside enough for college as well, which can make a big difference in the amount of insurance you buy. Breakpoints come in at 1 million and 2 million dollars, in my experience (i.e., going from $850,000 of insurance to $1 million is a big jump in cost). Personally, I buy term life insurance--I'm sure other people will disagree.

3. Do you specify how you want your kids to be raised? IOW, only organic foods or whole foods, certain methods of discipline, exercise, etc.? Like a manual for how you want your kids raised?

I wouldn't. It's a lot to ask of someone to raise your kids and if they have kids of their own, it would be nearly impossible for them to have two sets of rules. I think general guidelines are okay (esp on stuff like spanking), but I wouldn't go overboard with specifying other stuff. Best to choose someone you trust. I know a PP said that they thought that location was really important, but that is just not a consideration for me, perhaps because DH and I live so far from family. I choose the person who would have the most love, time, and energy for my children--the person who would be most willing to sacrifice for my children because I think raising children always involves a certain level of sacrifice.

You can, however, specify how the money is released to your children, at what age, etc. especially if you set aside a college fund.

BTW, any parenting stuff would not be put into the will itself.

4. What else?

This is more of a financial consideration, but I would make sure to have two separate wills--one for you and one for DH. Some people write joint wills, which unfortunately don't go into effect until BOTH people die. That's fine for guardianship purposes, but doesn't work very well for handling things like the house. In our case, DH and my wills were almost identical, but worded so that everything went to each other first, and then down the list of people. If you do separate ones you can do things like specify that your half of the money goes into a trust for the children, etc. if you choose. Otherwise your children could find themselves in a situation where a step-mom inherits all the money, etc. Even if you trust that your DH wouldn't do something like that on purpose, it can still happen if he doesn't get his will properly adjusted in case you die and he remarries.

Other people mentioned medical directives and living wills. You might also want to look into long-term disability insurance.