So frustrated!

[StephandOwen]

ETA- this got to be a very long rant. Sorry Pineapple upside down cake for anyone who makes it to the end!

DS (6 years, ASD and SPD) has been having a rough time lately (well, for the last few months). He's always like this at this time of the year. He seems to regress and have a lot more difficulty with things like going out in public. We try our best to work with this and let him stay home as much as possible.

DP's birthday was today. In his family- they always go out to a restaurant for a birthday dinner. So today we went to Red Lobster and met dp's parents there. Now, I knew from the fight ds put up just getting into the car that dinner was doomed. We went to Little Ceasers and got ds the breadsticks and sauce that he loves (he won't eat anything at red lobster) and brought them to red lobster.

I don't know what's going on with ds lately but he does. not. like to see dp's parents. I don't have a clue why and he won't tell us. So we get into the restaurant and, of course, it's packed and loud and... well.... everything an ASD/SPD child hates. We go to our table (dp's parents got there first so we already had a table). DS flipped. He wanted nothing to do with dp's parents. He hid on the floor, hands over his ears repeating "I don't want them to see me". DP's mom kept making it worse by talking to him under the table, which made him flip out more. After I ordered I took him out to the lobster tank to chill (and told dp to make it clear to his parents that when we got back they were not to look at ds, talk to him, talk about him, etc). I fought ds to get him back to the table so I could quickly eat my salad and then dinner. DS sat under the table the whole time (which, to be honest, I don't care about). He refused to come out and eat his food. DP's dad did great ignoring ds. He didn't say a word to him, he didn't look at him, nothing. DP's mom, on the other hand, ignored every single thing we told her. She kept looking under the table, talking to him, talking about him, trying to touch him, etc. Just annoying the living daylights out of him and making him flip out even more.

So after I eat I had to try and get ds out from under the table and out to the car. I got him out and his coat on him and got him "hiding" behind me. I had to pass by dp's parents in order to exit. Dp's dad did great. Totally ignored ds. As we walked by dp's mom she TOUCHED HIM and started talking to him. WTF?? DS melted to the ground screaming about how he didn't want her to see him, which meant I had to drag him out of the restaurant kicking and screaming

So THEN, we go home. I told ds that dp's parents were going to come over too because they had a gift for dp that they wanted to see him open. DS was upset but decided that he would go upstairs in the computer room and lock the door so they couldn't come in. Cool deal. I told him they wouldn't bother him and he'd be "safe" in there. DS gets up to the computer room and locks himself in while I go out and shovel the driveway. Dp's parents get here and, again, dp's dad does great. Totally leaves ds alone. DP's mom comes in and immediately goes to the stairs and starts shouting for ds. DP tells her to leave him alone, he wants some quiet time. Her response? "I know, I just wanted to tell him something". NO WOMAN! BACK OFF! She then WALKS UP THE STAIRS and starts yelling at him that she's leaving something on the top of the stairs for him (trying to trick/bribe him to come out). Fortunately my stubborn boy stayed firmly in the computer room and ignored her DP tells her again to leave him alone. She again says something to the affect of "I am, I just wanted to tell him something", shouts one more thing at ds and then comes downstairs.

This whole time I am BITING MY TONGUE trying not to unleash on her. If you read my post before Christmas about her, you would know we have a rocky relationship as it is right now (this is the first time I've really seen her since Christmas). The only reason I didn't let her have it is because it's dp's birthday and I know he didn't want any drama today. But seriously, wtf is wrong with her??

She is a "friend" on facebook so I just updated my status as "wishes people respected her parenting enough to do as I ask, and not just what they want or feel is best. I know my child better than anyone else on this planet and I'm pretty d*mn sure I know better than anyone else what is best for him." Think she'll get the hint?

[Kuba'sMama]

Hi;
I could've written your post almost word for word about a year ago. My son who has SPD (no ASD however) also went through this "don't look at me!" phase. It's strange and comforting to hear he wasn't the only one. Many, many times at my IL's we went through exactly.what.you.described.
Me; MIL, he's asking for "alone time", please give him some
MIL; Jacob, I have something for you.. (in sing-song)
Me; MIL, really, it'll make it worse, let him come down and he'll come to you (probably)
MIL (ignoring me); Jacob, how about some chocolate treats?
ME (near tears)MIL, PLEASE, HE NEEDS TO BE LEFT ALONE UNTIL HE COMES DOWN, OR HE NEVER WILL
MIL (hurt); I was just trying to help
and in the background was the lovely sound of my son yelling "I hate you!" "Don't look at me!!" to whomever's eyes happened to gaze in his general direction.
So yea, BTDT.
In her defense I guess a lot of the old-school people have never heard of SPD and think it's one of those new, made up crappy mother excuses, so they really don't get it, kwim?

[mountainsunshine]

I'm allergic to pinapple, but I will send hugs anyway. BTDT. It's either the old fashioned gonna bribe em out with sweet talk or the whole " idontseeanythingwrong attitude" Bummer becuase these are the very people my kids see right through. Oh well for them though kwim. (((hugs)))

sarah

[gsmom]

Hugs to you. We have different issues with my ILs, but the basics are similar. Made it through and cringed at the unsensitivity of her.

[StephandOwen]

To top this all off- ds ate dinner, had a bath and a little bit of family time (to open dp's gifts and ds's stuffed dogs gift- the dog also had a birthday today ). Then he went upstairs to mine and dp's bedroom to relax and watch a movie (special friday/saturday night treat for him). At that time, dp's dad called and said things were crazy over there and needed a break, so we told him to come here. He did and totally left ds alone. Pretended ds wasn't even here. He stayed downstairs and talked to dp and myself. DS eventually came to the top of the stairs and decided to come down (dp and I were playing the wii ). He came downstairs, saw dp's dad, yelled "Hi ******!!!" and ran to give him a hug.

Seriously. If dp's mom would realize that when you give ds his space when he needs it, he'll eventually come around on his own time. Dp's dad did exactly as we asked of him and ds decided on his own to come down interact.

[HarperRose]

Sounds like only one of them gets a clue and the other is my late mil...

I feel your pain. UGH.

Maybe you should unleash on her...

[nayma]

first of all, YUCK. i'm so sorry you have to deal with this woman, and so sorry ds has to, too. i have immense respect for you for holding your tongue - not my forte when it comes to dd. it's the opposite for us - my mom is great, and my dad does whatever he wants. take a wild guess who dd likes? yeah, my mom. the other side (ex's) just suck alllllllll around, but oh well.
so, i'm wondering if she doesn't understand WHY it bothers him to talk, engage, be touched, be looked at, etc. well, obviously she doesn't, but i wonder of really learning about ASD would help her. has she ever read anything written from the perspective of someone with ASD? do you think hearing a real human being (one step removed) talking about WHY these things are so hard would help her. as f***ed up as it is, some people just cannot hear things from the source, but once it's a step back, they can see... sometimes i try to incorporate things *other* people have said into my conversations with my family about dd. and unfortunately sometimes they accept that more - it's like suddenly they don't feel attacked. one of my favorites was from a speech a mom gave (she has 2 kids on the spectrum). she said she tells all the folks who work with her kids, "kindly check your ego at the door." our kids aren't the kids who are usually going to be able to reciprocate things emotionally/physically in traditional ways. and that's not bad, but it does make it tough, especially for people who don't understand ASDs at all. i think they believe that if they just try *harder*, things will finally click. i feel like our current OT (who's supposedly an expert at working with ASD kids) needs a big ole reminder of this herself . but i just try to use non-threatening examples to my family, and i'll be darned if i don't stretch the truth sometimes so i can get my point across. like, "yeah, it's so hard for me to just sit back and really give her space sometimes. i notice over and over, though, that when i do, she's so much more receptive to me."
this is a random side-note, but does dp's mom wear string perfume? it sounds like there are plenty of reasons for your ds to be wary of this woman already, but that seems like an added possibility.
good luck, mama. really. you're being a good mom, and i'm sure your son feels that.

[theretohere]

mama, and good for you for biting your tongue. I don't know that I'd have been able to.

[pixiekisses]

I have no idea how this is like, but I couldn't read and not at least send you some hugs. s

(And I could never have kept my mouth shut with my MIL if she acted like that, so I really admire you for that. Really. I would have flipped and let her have it.)

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by Kuba'sMama

Hi;
I could've written your post almost word for word about a year ago. My son who has SPD (no ASD however) also went through this "don't look at me!" phase. It's strange and comforting to hear he wasn't the only one. Many, many times at my IL's we went through exactly.what.you.described.

You're right- it is comforting, in a strange way, to know that there are other parents going through this exact same thing!

Originally Posted by mountainsunshine

It's either the old fashioned gonna bribe em out with sweet talk or the whole " idontseeanythingwrong attitude"

MIL has already made it clear that she doesn't think ds has asd or spd. She feels that ds is perfectly typical and that *I* am the problem Because, ya know, he hasn't been diagnosed with asd by at least a dozen specialists over 2 different states and at least 4 different cities. No. Not at all She's also of the mindset that she can bribe ds to do what she wants.

Originally Posted by nayma

i have immense respect for you for holding your tongue - not my forte when it comes to dd.

I only held it because it was dp's birthday and I'd made that promise to him

Originally Posted by nayma

has she ever read anything written from the perspective of someone with ASD?

As I mentioned before, she's made comments that ds doesn't have asd or spd, that it's all in my head. When she wants to seem like "super grandma" though she will find a random news article about autism and go on and on and on and on and on about it. The latest is that I must have given ds autism because I surely had to have used a plastic bottle when I was a baby (in reality she would have no clue of this, heck- I don't even know!) and that's what caused it. So the rare times she decides ds does have asd it's usually in the context that I somehow caused it and it's all my fault.

this is a random side-note, but does dp's mom wear string perfume? i

Not that I've noticed on a regular basis. She does wear some sometimes, but not regularly. But ds is more sensitive to that than I am, you're right.

Originally Posted by theretohere

mama, and good for you for biting your tongue. I don't know that I'd have been able to.

Originally Posted by pixiekisses

(And I could never have kept my mouth shut with my MIL if she acted like that, so I really admire you for that. Really. I would have flipped and let her have it.)

Well, I only held my tongue for dp's birthday. MIL did get that the facebook comment was about her and sent me a message that said something like "nobody likes me, everybody hates me- think I'll go eat worms...." and went on about how she thinks she did a good job raising her son (dp) and that she has a sister with special needs so she knows more than I do about special needs.

I sent her a looooong reply back this morning (not on dp's birthday so I kept my promise to him ) that basically laid it all out on the line. I told her that I'm sure she did the best she could raising dp, and I never said otherwise. I also told her that I'm sure her mom did the best she could raising her sn sister. I then made it clear that ds is NOT the same as dp and ds is NOT the same as mil's sister. They are all separate people. While she may have known the best way to raise dp- that doesn't mean she knows a lick about raising ds. I asked her straight up why she disrespected mine and dp's wishes when we told her to leave ds alone. I then explained that dp and I are ds's parents. Our kid, our rules. I told her she needs to find enough respect for us to follow our rules, even if she doesn't agree with them.

I felt better after that, as that was a looong time coming

She then sent me another "nobody likes me, everybody hates me" email, basically saying that she only wanted to care for ds and communicate with him but that she'll "never make that mistake again". Can we say- DRAMA QUEEN?!? I emailed her back telling her this had nothing to do with her desire to communicate with ds or care for him. This had to do with ds clearly communicating what he needs at that moment and her ignoring it. It took us 6 years to get him to the point where he can and will communicate when he needs to be alone so for her to just ignore that sucks! I haven't heard from her for the rest of that day. I just feel bad for FIL, who has to deal with MIL

[earthmama4]

I cannot imagine the audacity of someone who would tell a mother of an autistic child that their disorder was her fault or in her head! She sounds absolutely toxic. I am sorry you must associate with her but it sounds like you are doing the best you can under the circumstances.

IME toxic people like that just cannot be "reasoned" with AT ALL. They will never see your side, so the best thing I have found to do is just have good boundaries and do what I need to do, keeping communication with them to a minimum. Trying to get people like that to see your side of things is just too much like and just not worth the energy or effort.