Mad Mama...

[ilanaRose]

Background: After 4 years of marriage and 7-month-old baby I moved out and am filing for divorce because my husband started being abusive to me during my pregnancy...nevertheless I still tried to facilitate meetings between my baby and husband so they could "bond" (always with a 3rd party present)...sometimes I ask myself WHY I even bother, but there's always someone telling me how messed up he'll be if he doesn't have a close connection to his daddy... Just last week I went up for a visit, ex wasn't home and when I called him he was on a bus moving across the country to go live with his cousin (he was fired from his job last month)...

Today he called and said he felt happy, that he liked being in this new place and would enjoy traveling more in the future. I felt myself FUMING upon hearing that he was happy! Here he is jobless, doesn't have to pay rent, not co-parenting in any way shape or form and he's "HAPPY."

Meanwhile he left the apartment (which the lease is up for the end of the month) for me to deal with entirely by myself-- he left it in a disgusting state with mouse crap everywhere, furballs, and mold growing on our stuff because he never turned on our dehumidifier! So I have had to go and clean everything and organize everything for a giant garage sale tomorrow... I feel bitter... on the one hand, isn't it better that he is "away" from us? But then I feel guilty by the fact my son doesn't have a "daddy"in his immediate life...

SO HERE IS MY MAIN VENT:

I feel MAD...
Mad that my husband, who was so good to me for several years, turned on me during my most vulnerable time, my pregnancy and postpartum time...

Mad that his actions forced me to be a single mother when I never wanted to be one

Mad that I won't be able to be a stay-at-home mom for the 5 years until kindergarten...

Mad that he is so easily capable and able to live this "bachelor"-lifestyle

Mad that I feel so hurt for my son, a baby who doesn't even know what's going on.

Mad at what he has done to our once- "family"

I'm just so mad at him for ruining everything and then telling me I am a single mom because I left, because it was my choice...NO he PUT me in this position! i had planned to be married forever and stay-at-home with all of our future children and our current child...I had planned to have a partner that HELPED me with the baby but instead it is mama mama mama 24/7 and I was just soooo unprepared for this.... mad...and sad... I'm crying... I'm just mad to hear he is apparently doing well, now that he's escaped his responsibilities... I want him to love our son so much that he would be willing to do anything for him ... just having a hard day, that's all...

[racheepoo]

I sooo understand. Within a month of my leaving, ex had a live in girlfriend. He is currently not paying any child support. And now his 7 years of escalating abuse is boiled down to "we were both alphas" Um, yeah.

Your anger is justified and I totally get it. Make sure you protect your little boy and take him to court for child support and/or alimony. The good news is that you WILL make a great life for the both of you, and you did the right thing by getting away from that abuse. I waited until my son was 3, and I so wish I hadn't.

[ilanaRose]

racheepoo, we're definitely on the same page...the worst is when my ex tells people (including his mom): "we just weren't right for each other" and "eh, it just couldn't work out"-- he can't own his actions and how they have impacted our once-family.

I almost don't want to file for child support because I don't want to give ex any motive to try and get part custody just for the sake of getting it...know what I mean? what should i do? maybe file later, like in a year? do i have to file for custody when i file divorce papers? i'm filing for divorce on monday

[momof4peppers]

[Super~Single~Mama]

File divorce papers and custody papers at the SAME TIME.

Get all of it straightened out sooner rather than later.

[racheepoo]

Absolutely file at the same time. Yes, you take the chance that he'll retaliate, but that can happen at any time. They really don't need good reasons.

[CatsMeow]

Get the custody sorted out ASAP. Otherwise, the ex returns, wants to see his kid, and then it's ba-bye. If he takes the kid, then where does that leave you? It's a whole other mess in court after the fact.

I feel for you.....I'm dealing with something similar right now.

[ilanaRose]

I'm not really clear about filing at the same time? Isn't a custody order mandatory when filing for divorce when you have a minor child? i just assumed it happens at the same time... or should I also be applying for child support? can i always apply for child support at any time? If I can I'd like to file the divorce/custody and then file child support a little later...does that work?

[racheepoo]

Every state is different. Where I live, the child support is not automatic with divorce but you can do it together and it makes it easier in the long run. I think you should file both now. Get a support order in place, which ensures that a) you don't have to spend more money or go through more hassle to do it and b) if you have some sort of health or other issue where you need the money, they can track him through the system so that you will (eventually) get it.

What are your reasons for wanting to wait...just not to piss him off? It's gonna happen anyway, most likely. Now or later, yanow?

[Avani]

In Cali the support will go hand in hand with custody/divorce. Do what feels right to you as far as filing go but keep your eyes open and be aware. Sometimes men retaliate and go for custody, getting it established at some point will be necessary for security reasons.

[Sagesgirl]

Yes, you need to file at least for custody right now (in TX, I could file for custody & not divorce because we were separated). Every state is different, so please take what I say with a grain of salt--but here, until a custody order is in place, either parent has an equal legal right to the children. What this meant in my case is that my XH was able to walk out the door with the children and then refuse to let me see them. (Came back to bite him in the butt in court, but that's six weeks I'd like to never repeat.) It doesn't sound like he's going to do this if he's moved away and is living the high life as it were, but all bets are off with abusive exes, as you know. You need to get out and CYA now.

In TX, child support and custody are two separate issues. You could conceivably receive child support and he have only supervised visitation with few custodial rights. You need to discuss the issue with someone local to find out how it is in Cali--preferably a lawyer, but you can probably also go down to your local library and look up relevant case law on your own--explain to the reference librarian what you need. I think it is "child and family code". That should lay it all out for you. If the legalese is impenetrable, see if there's a staff attorney at your county courthouse who can answer your questions. There is here, and the discussion is free, though the help is limited. If you can afford a laywer, get one. If not, start making moves to obtain legal aid. You can't afford to sit on this when the other party is unbalanced.