pushing, hitting 21 month old

[rlynn08]

i just need some tips on how to handle my toddlers (21 months) anger and frustration. she has started to hit, push, and shove other children.

a bit of background on me. i want to raise my daughter in a compassionate way. i was not raised in this way at all. up til my parents divorced when i was 4 i was beat (with a belt) by my mother. my father kept custody and raised me with a bit of help from his parents from time to time. as in leaving me with them for a year here and there throughout childhood. he didnt hit me but twice that i remember but he didnt exactly pay attention to me. he had a lot of personal demons, one being depression i believe, and i think i was just too much for him. i am still pained and hurt over my childhood but have mostly moved on. i dont resent either of my parents and have some relationship with both but my heart hurts for the child i was. i remember being lonely and sad a lot and feeling that i wasnt good enough. i dont want my child to feel this way. so i am trying to raise her differently but i didnt exactly have the type of parenting i want to use to model my behavior by.

so i am at a loss as to how to handle her aggression. i want her to know its not okay and i know NOT to hit her. but what can i do to minimize it. i tell her that hands are not for hitting and to use her words (she has a big vocab for a 21 month old).

generally shes very loving although very active and independent. the same friends she shoves and hits are frequently kissed and hugged too.

what works for you? what should i be doing? what tools can i try to give my daughter to help with her anger and frustration. i do remember being frustrated at 4 but i had to keep it in so i used to throw silent tantrums in my room, hitting my body with my fists and pulling my hair. obviously id like her to have better tools to manage her anger.

okay. very long. if you read, thank you. id appreciate any advice. im really a dunce at gd but i want to learn.

[reillys_mom]

It can be really tough with a child this age who is acting aggressively. Then you add in the pressure that you feel from your childhood, which I'm sure compounds your frustration.

DS2 bit a lot at that age and I was at a loss despite well meaning suggestions from friends. All of the ideas seemed to be "prevent the situation" (duh). I did find Hand in Hand parenting online (http://www.handinhandparenting.org/articles.html) and they have articles that really helped. One thing that helped was for me to be DS's voice. When I saw that he ws about to bite because someone had taken something from him I could step in and say "A, you're really mad/frustrated because B took that truck. B, A isn't done playing with that. Would you like a turn when he is done?" So, DS heard the words to associate with his feelings, I was protecting his space, and reinforcing that turn taking protects DS's ability to play with something.

I hope that helps. Give yourself credit for being aware of the potential impact of your childhood and that is a huge step.

[rlynn08]

thank you so much. what you said sounds so simple that im not sure why i didnt think of it. okay, i do know why because ive never heard someone parent that way. sigh.

but i really appreciate the links to the articles. i read one and it seems like a good start for me. ive been getting really stressed with her typical almost 2 year old behavior. partially due to my own childhood hangups...and partially because im recently unemployed but desperately need a job. money woes are never good.

i have been less patient with her and while not hitting her have been more stern than need be. i feel rotten because the other day she dumped her food purposely on the floor and i snapped at her that it was "bad" its the only time ive done that but now 5 days later if she spills something on the floor whether by accident or not she'll stomp around shouting, bad! bad! i am already taking steps to behave like the momma she deserves.

but the hitting and shoving were just too much for me and had me at a loss. i cant stand when i dont know what to do. its not even really about her if that makes sense, i just want to know how to react. sure i want it to stop because its not desirable behavior but ill feel better knowing im reacting appropriately.

ill definitely be taking a look through the articles.

[Luke's mama]

you sound really compassionate and thoughtful--your daughter is lucky to have you! Just one thought to share that might ease the frustration--I have read in a few places that children aren't really capable of sharing until they turn 3, that before then, at best they will play side by side, but not really together. One dr. even recommended not even trying to have playdates until 3. Anyway, I think her reaction is pretty normal and she will outgrow it in time. The Happiest Toddler on the Block has some funny comparisons of toddlers to cavemen at various stages of cooperation (or lack thereof) and some interesting strategies for dealing with tantrums and discipline.

[cherubf]

Well, I'm afraid I can't offer you any advice as I am going through exactly the same thing at the moment with my son - he is almost 23 months. He pushes and hits other children - but seems to do it for no reason at all most of the time. He just seems to get a kick out of it! Very very annoying and frustrating and like you, I am at a loss of how to handle it. It happens at every playdate and every playgroup - the past few weeks. He's very sweet, affectionate etc and isn't what I call a "nasty" child - he doesn't look malicious when he does it - he almost thinks it's amusing!
I will be reading those articles too.
I wish one of these kids would push him back a bit harder (is that bad?!) but none of them react apart from crying which he seems to like!
GRRRR!

[cherubf]

Bump - any other suggestions?

[mamazee]

It's a normal thing for that age, not that all kids do it, but enough kids do that it isn't something you should blame on yourself, and she should outgrow it pretty easily.

To help her outgrow it, think of what you want her to do instead of what you don't want her to do. The part where you said you tell her to talk about how she's feeling is great. Keep helping her name her feelings. Emotions are big and scary and not understood at that age. Let her know that her feelings are OK. "I see you're angry." Empathize with her. "I wish you could *** right now." And then tell her what she can do. "When you're angry, say 'I'm angry!' and I'll try to help you."

Another thing is that my dd went through a phase where she would hit kids seemingly as an attempt to engage them instead of out of anger. You said she hits friends so maybe this is happening some of the time. I'd say, "If you want to play with Matthew, say 'Hi' to him. Let's be gentle with our friends." Again, the focus should be on what to do rather than what not to do. "Don't hit" keeps that image of hitting in a young child's head.