Getting a child to sleep when he has no bedtime at X house

[Mouchois]

I'm honestly to the point of exhaustion where I can't do anything but lay around.

Since the most recent filing of papers on the x's behalf, DS has slowly stopped sleeping. He sleeps maybe 3 to 4 hours each night and fights naps. I've tried keeping him from taking naps, but then he'll end up staying up longer and being so terrible attitude-wise that I nearly break down.

I have no idea what the schedule is at X house, but I do know that DS sleeps with his stepbrother at x house and x likes to play video games, so may not be paying attention to his sleeping.

DS has also started sleep walking, so the 3 hours that he does sleep, I do not, as I'm terrified that he is going to sneak outside.

So now I'm on my 3rd day with maybe a half an hour of sleep. He has so much energy for how little he is sleeping and I don't understand it. It wouldn't bother me as much if I wasn't feeling so exhausted.

What are some ways to get him to bed on time?

Also, I cannot do co-sleeping, hence why I didn't post in the co-sleeping area. He used to be able to sleep in his bed by himself just fine, even asking me to go to bed at 8pm. I know that this is all due to his terrible stress, and I have him in counseling, but X will not work or talk with me on the idea and that is making any coping pretty difficult, so I need ways to help DS sleep while the other parent gets him 50% of the time.

DS' anxiety level is through the roof at this time due to the fact that X has been bad-mouthing very badly (he comes to my house and expresses how badly it makes him feel) and there is a lot of fighting between my X and his new wife. About 2 months back, X told DS that I was going to leave him alone while he was sleeping, and DS has not slept since.

Any help, please?
Also, if you have questions about my terrible rant of a post, please ask. I'm so tired that I'm not even sure if this makes sense.

[robinchap1]

My heart goes out to you and your DS. I'm so so sorry. How old is DS?
Here are some thoughts off the top of my head, though I don't know about age appropriateness.
1st of all: Get as much sleep and rest as you possibly can when DS is at his father's. Eat well. Garner as much strength as you can. Which, I know very well, can be extremely difficult when you are sleep deprived.

Ugh... at work and must go. I will come back and write more later. Meanwhile, let me know how old he is.

Think in your mind about how you want things to go at your house (the only place you can control to some extent). You have to feel firm and comfortable in this. DS needs YOU to be confident and secure (or at least fake it well).

Ok, more later. Meanwhile... big hugs. This sounds so difficult.

[Mouchois]

He's four. Sorry I forgot to add that part.

[robinchap1]

I'm back.
4 might be too young (especially for a boy) to sit down and have a long talk with him. But I would use small opportunities to make him understand that there are rules and routine at your house and they are not changing. In a kind way, of course. I think deep down it will give him a sense of security to know what to expect at your house and from you always and help with his anxiety. I would work hard to be very consistent with him (which is very difficult when you are very tired and when you feel bad and sad for him because of what he's going through... I know). And I would also use any opportunity to tell him you love him and let him know that you're not going anywhere.

I would put a bedtime routine in place. Maybe make a simple chart with each step. And stick to it religiously. You can tell him (repeatedly) something like, "This is the routine. This is how we do it at our house. It's ok to have different rules at Mommy's house and at Daddy's house." When you say goodnight, you might want to always include where you will be, "I am going to be in the kitchen for a little while and then I'm going to bed. I will be here if you need me." And work out a system (whatever is better for you), tell him that if he really needs you he can call or you or come to your bed. Even if he doesn't do it, it might help ease his anxiety to know this and have a plan.

Some ideas to make the routine fun:
-When it's time to get ready for bed, set a timer for however long until you want him in bed. Tell him that when the timer goes off, he has to be in bed no matter what. If he gets ready quickly and there's extra time, he gets to play a game (do a puzzle, read an extra book, watch a tv show... whatever you think will work for you guys... )WITH YOU. I try to be ready to set the timer 20-30 minutes before I want him in bed. He has to get into his pjs, brush his teeth, go pee, and I usually have him clean up 1 thing. If there is extra time, I tell him we can do a puzzle or a game until the timer goes off (something calm). He knows he has to scoot into the bed once the timer goes off. It really helped. We do a book in bed after that.

If you think this would help, you could try giving him a flashlight in bed. Tell him that if he has trouble sleeping, he can use the flashlight in his bed to look at books for a little while. But tell him if he gets out of the bed, he loses the flashlight. Or something like that. Nothing that would interfere with him getting to you if he was upset or scared. But just an incentive to at least keep him quiet in his bed during sleeping hours. That is a start to getting him sleeping during sleeping hours.

Got to run again... I hope I don't sound like I know how to fix your problems! I have sleep issues in my house too and don't know how to fix them! But I hear your pain and totally understand being unable to have a clear and constructive idea because you are so damn exhausted. I'm happy to try and brainstorm with you as you go. Maybe 2 tired brains are better than 1! Or maybe someone with a rested brain will pipe in!

Take care.

[La Sombra]

I'm so sorry, my heart really goes out to you. I don't know if this will help you especially as I haven't even read it myself but maybe read Sleepless in America because from what I understand they talk about the cycle that lack of sleep generates and it might be helpful to understand that and how to combat it even in your rather uniquely challenging situation.

Big hugs!

[CatsMeow]

Any chance of talking to the ex about the routine at his place when your son is there? If the two of you can have some consistent rules in place at both homes, it would probably ease the kids anxiety as well. Easy in theory I'm sure.

[meemee]

ex and i have different routines too. however dd knew she had to follow routines unique to both houses and she does.

however in your son's case its not really about sleeping - as much as his anxiety that you will go away. so you have to kinda hang in there as he experiences that no you are NOT going to leave. plus sleep walking too - all anxiety stuff.

plus lord knows what else he is frightened about that he cannot articulate.

first follow the same routine. without making it very obvious tuck him in with the same message every night. i will be in my bedroom and i will see you in the morning. talk to him during the day without making it v. obvious that you will be there for him. keep reassuring him. in time he will realise that you are not going away.

physical exercise. tiring out their little bodies. plus just the adrenaline is great for anxiety. take a long walk after dinner. get more physical activities in. if you are not already doing it. see if that will tire him enough to sleep.

also remember 4 is the year for irrational fears.

i think instead of looking at this as a how to get him to sleep and stay sleeping - i would look at it as constant reasurrances. more cuddles. allowing him choices to do his thing.

i think if his anxiety is put to rest all his sleep problems will disappear too.

from around 4 what helped my dd a lot was talking. and reading similar situation books and watching similar situation movies. dont know if your son enjoys talking. he is at least opening up and telling you what's upsetting him - which is huge.

more important than your ex having a bedtime routine is his badmouthing which really needs to stop. not sure if you can do anything about it. its great your son is in therapy. also see if there are others you can trust that he could talk to. see if he would spend some time alone with them and be able to talk.

you will soon need that help. by 5 my dd didnt want to tell me because she felt she was badmouthing her dad and she wanted a neutral other person she could share with. thankfully finally at 7 she does that with her class teacher who directly tells her dad to stop. dd hasnt said anything to me but i think ex has stopped badmouthing so much.

this is such a hard place to be. and it really tears my heart for your sweet little boy and you. really things dont need to be this way.