Long story short: At the end of November my husband of 12 years (and living together for 10 before that) told me that he couldn't stay in our marriage any longer. That he loves me (but not in the right way, blahblahblah), that he's messed up (no shit Sherlock), that's he's never made a fully autonomous, selfish decision in his life. Whatever.
A big aside in all of this is that he's plunging head-first into a relationship with his ex-gf from two girlfriends before he met me. We're talking going back 23 years in history. They reconnected a few months before he told me he was leaving. He also has a long, history of infidelity and my lack of trust in him is a big part of what destroyed anything we had. So, after sitting on the fence for awhile, she decided to indeed leave her husband, a week before Christmas. They have an 11 year old son, who also found out a week before Christmas.
The whole thing is incredibly, sadly so very Jerry Springer.
Anyhow our son's birthday was coming up in December, stbx's birthday is in December, we celebrate both Hannukah and Christmas. It's a big month for us. So we agreed that we'd hold off on telling them until after the holidays.
It seemed do-able because generally stbx and I get along very well. He wants to do all the 'right' things and he wants to get through this process cooperatively. I do too.
For the first while, it worked out really well. We were communicating openly and honestly to an extent that we hadn't in years. We even had some break-up nookie a couple of times (with, on my part at least, zero emotional involvement with him- I know very, very well that this is, and should be, over).
At this point he was claiming that there was no relationship with the ex-gf, that he'd asked her for a hiatus of contact for a couple of months. He wanted her to sort herself out independently of him, in other words, he wanted her to make sure she was leaving her husband because it was the right thing to do, not because she was running into the arms of my stbx. Whatever. She lives in another city, 6 hours away.
Anyhow, I find out right before Christmas that they are indeed in contact. He stupidly was sitting next to me on the sofa one morning, checking email with his morning coffee, a foot and a half away from me. He said something to me, so I glanced at him, and what do I see but an email screen, addressing her as "hi, love". I flipped because one, he was insensitive as to do this in my own freaking house, and I'd asked him previously to please keep his stuff with her, whatever it was, away from me. He agreed, he keeps saying he never wanted to and still doesn't want to hurt me.
Well, that did hurt me. He hurt me when I accidentally walked into the room and found him talking to her surreptitiously hiding under a blanket with his skype phone and laptop. He hurt me when he came home last night and said he'd been asked to go on a business trip for 3 weeks one freaking week after he'd moved into his own place. What about the schedule we've agreed to for the kids? I think it is a really really bad idea for him to tell them he is leaving, and then a week later disappear out of the country for another 3. I told him that later I could see this sort of thing working out- but LATER. Actually- correct that- it wasn't that he told me about this that upset me, it was his reaction when I told him I thought it wasn't a good idea. I told him also that I suspected that he other motives for wanting to do this trip so badly- I'm sure he wants to take his lover with him. He's trying also to tell me there will be "consequences on his career" which frankly is total b.s. YOU ARE BREAKING UP YOUR FAMILY. He accused me of projecting my feelings onto them and using them as an excuse. And that couldn't be more wrong. Not seeing him for 3 weeks would actually be really, really good for ME. Not for THEM.
I don't care about *her*- he could be seeing her every day as far as I am concerned, so long as it does not impinge on what the kids need. Not for THEM.
Anyhow, we seemed to have returned to a civilized place today. We went through our cd's and agreed on who takes what. Baby steps.
He gets his place Feb. 1. His landlord has told him he might be able to move in a couple days before. This means 3 more weeks in the house here, two of them before we tell the kids (which we plan to on Jan 22), one still here with the kids knowing.
What can I do to stay sane? He told me last night that he thought it was a mistake for him to have stayed this long because it was too cruel on me. I told him that yes, it's been BRUTAL on me but I have no regrets because we were able to give the kids a really great December. In other words, I hated it but sucked it up anyways.
Help me, I need your ideas mamas. Tell me it will be better once he is gone.
Sorry for the yelling up there- I'm super frustrated and impatient and want this part to just *end*. All I want is some peace...
A big aside in all of this is that he's plunging head-first into a relationship with his ex-gf from two girlfriends before he met me. We're talking going back 23 years in history. They reconnected a few months before he told me he was leaving. He also has a long, history of infidelity and my lack of trust in him is a big part of what destroyed anything we had. So, after sitting on the fence for awhile, she decided to indeed leave her husband, a week before Christmas. They have an 11 year old son, who also found out a week before Christmas.
The whole thing is incredibly, sadly so very Jerry Springer.
Anyhow our son's birthday was coming up in December, stbx's birthday is in December, we celebrate both Hannukah and Christmas. It's a big month for us. So we agreed that we'd hold off on telling them until after the holidays.
It seemed do-able because generally stbx and I get along very well. He wants to do all the 'right' things and he wants to get through this process cooperatively. I do too.
For the first while, it worked out really well. We were communicating openly and honestly to an extent that we hadn't in years. We even had some break-up nookie a couple of times (with, on my part at least, zero emotional involvement with him- I know very, very well that this is, and should be, over).
At this point he was claiming that there was no relationship with the ex-gf, that he'd asked her for a hiatus of contact for a couple of months. He wanted her to sort herself out independently of him, in other words, he wanted her to make sure she was leaving her husband because it was the right thing to do, not because she was running into the arms of my stbx. Whatever. She lives in another city, 6 hours away.
Anyhow, I find out right before Christmas that they are indeed in contact. He stupidly was sitting next to me on the sofa one morning, checking email with his morning coffee, a foot and a half away from me. He said something to me, so I glanced at him, and what do I see but an email screen, addressing her as "hi, love". I flipped because one, he was insensitive as to do this in my own freaking house, and I'd asked him previously to please keep his stuff with her, whatever it was, away from me. He agreed, he keeps saying he never wanted to and still doesn't want to hurt me.
Well, that did hurt me. He hurt me when I accidentally walked into the room and found him talking to her surreptitiously hiding under a blanket with his skype phone and laptop. He hurt me when he came home last night and said he'd been asked to go on a business trip for 3 weeks one freaking week after he'd moved into his own place. What about the schedule we've agreed to for the kids? I think it is a really really bad idea for him to tell them he is leaving, and then a week later disappear out of the country for another 3. I told him that later I could see this sort of thing working out- but LATER. Actually- correct that- it wasn't that he told me about this that upset me, it was his reaction when I told him I thought it wasn't a good idea. I told him also that I suspected that he other motives for wanting to do this trip so badly- I'm sure he wants to take his lover with him. He's trying also to tell me there will be "consequences on his career" which frankly is total b.s. YOU ARE BREAKING UP YOUR FAMILY. He accused me of projecting my feelings onto them and using them as an excuse. And that couldn't be more wrong. Not seeing him for 3 weeks would actually be really, really good for ME. Not for THEM.
I don't care about *her*- he could be seeing her every day as far as I am concerned, so long as it does not impinge on what the kids need. Not for THEM.
Anyhow, we seemed to have returned to a civilized place today. We went through our cd's and agreed on who takes what. Baby steps.
He gets his place Feb. 1. His landlord has told him he might be able to move in a couple days before. This means 3 more weeks in the house here, two of them before we tell the kids (which we plan to on Jan 22), one still here with the kids knowing.
What can I do to stay sane? He told me last night that he thought it was a mistake for him to have stayed this long because it was too cruel on me. I told him that yes, it's been BRUTAL on me but I have no regrets because we were able to give the kids a really great December. In other words, I hated it but sucked it up anyways.
Help me, I need your ideas mamas. Tell me it will be better once he is gone.
Sorry for the yelling up there- I'm super frustrated and impatient and want this part to just *end*. All I want is some peace...
