1st Visitation from absent Ex

[yyyyEs]

so i have a 7yr old. the EX has not been a part of her life. he bailed out as soon as he was born because he hooked up with his current. he has been so busy with her they have a new child and her other 2 from previous marriage. he has totally ignored my 7yr old. no birthdays, christmas or anything.

Just last week we had a modification hearing and the child support trippled.

just about the time he was notified of the court hearing he suddenly resurfaced and started claiming how much he likes his child and would like to know her. he finished off the email by saying he wants me to get case closed.

now he DEMANDS to have a relationship with the child.

i am all for it because she needs a dad but i have told him we need to do it properly so the child's stability is not disrupted. when she was in Kindergarten she had a bad day when she broke down because she was the only kid in the class without a Dad. we worked through it and now she is happy knowing she only has mummy and mummy's extended family and friends.

so i need suggestions how to do this. i am thinking of getting a counselor/mediator or psychologist to help us do this the right way.

not to sound crazy but how sure am i he will not harm the child because he is really pissed off that the judge did not rule in his favor. on the court day he was not happy with the ruling. i just do not want to put this child in a bad situation.

i also do not trust his current because she started this trouble and also has not encouraged him to bond with the child earlier, how sure am i they will keep the child safe.

someone with a similar experience share tips please.

it is inevitable that my 7yr old knows my Ex just to avoid later resentment and missing links. tks.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Since your ex hasn't been present at all, I highly doubt they will start off with overnights immediately. Thats first.

Second, I have no idea how to go about finding a counselor, but I'm guessing your lawyer might be able to give you a number to call - and if that person can't help may be able to give you other numbers.

About your daughter being safe - I completely understand your concerns. However, they do have 3 children currently living with them - she's likely to be safe. If there are problems you can always go back to court.

Does your daughter have a law guardian? That person also might be able to give you referrals to counselors, etc. If she doesn't have a law guardian, ask the court to appoint one. (they are also called guardian ad litum's in some places) This person will be looking out only for your daughters interests - and in theory will be neutral about you and your ex. They will interview everyone, and make sure that things go smoothly with your daughter and your ex.

good luck. I hope things go well.

[CatsMeow]

Well, having been through a mildy similar situation.....

A wee background..ex and I split when daughter was 18 mths...she saw him every other wknd until she wasabout 3. He vanished. She hasn't seen him since. About 5 years ago we (I had since remarried, and had another child and hubby was being called Dad by oldest daughter, she had no clue about her real dad) got a letter form the ex's lawyer saying they'd like access to resume immediately. Umm..yah, right. Anyways, since there was an exisiting court order saying he had access, we had to get that changed. Not an easy thing to do...courts favours children having both parents if they think it would be in the child best interests.

We ended up going through an assessment situtation, with the assessor submitting their recommendations to the court, and then both parties made their suggestions as well. In the end, there are a million and one steps the Ex is to go through before any type of access resumes.....that was almost a year ago. He hasn't done any of them as far as I know, because I am supposed to get updates on them.

Sadly...yes, the father may just get his visitation...it happened to a co-worker some years ago. Kids father walked out when she was preggo, said he wanted nothing to do with the kid, had a change of heart when she was 5, and presto...courts granted him visitiation.

Ask for an assessment to be done. They should interview all relevant parties (including your parents, his parents, etc), some counselling/mediation will undoubtably be suggested (for you, him and the child, and possibly his wife and her kids). I've got my ex on the hook for paying for all these sessions, the courts thought that was warranted. He doesn't pay child support, hasn't for 9 years. There is also a childrens lawyers office (in Ontario), and they supposedly advocate for the childs best interests as well. My experience with them has muddied my feelings on them though. Anyways....the one thing you have to remember is that child support is not tied to access (At least not in Ontario), it should be, but it's not.

Most likely, the initial visits will be supervised, either at a centre, or at a home that you would feel comfortable with (but not your own). The assessor/courts would get reports from the centre/supervisor, and any further access would be based on that. They can also recommend when to further introduce other family members as well.