"Intervention" for overweight friend. - Page 2

[MeepyCat]

Oh, what an awful awful idea.

I like the letter, but before sending it I'd give Jane one chance to cancel. Tell her that you think this event will be incredibly hurtful and harmful to Anne and that if she insists on going ahead with it, you are going to warn Anne about what's coming. And *then* send the letter.

[racheepoo]

Totally agree, Meepy.

[mamabadger]

I agree with the others: a very bad idea which could only cause hurt feelings. If you cannot convince Jane to drop the idea, I hope you will warn Anne about the plan so she can decide whether she wants to attend the "party" or not.

Originally Posted by LavenderMae

Would they be having an intervention for a friend who is not overweight that has high pressure and is pre-diabetic? Or a friend who never exercises and eats nothing but junk but isn't overweight?

This is a good point. Nobody would dream of pulling this stunt on a person with any other chronic health problem, but for some reason fat seems to be everybody's business.

There is a difference between Jane's idea and the typical intervention. An intervention with an alcoholic or drug addict usually involves family and friends withdrawing anything they do to help the addict/drinker continue with his habit, and refusing to be inconvenienced by it any longer. This is only fair, because while friends cannot force another person to stop drinking, they are certainly entitled to refuse to lend the drinker money, bail him out after a DUI, or lie to his boss for him. The difference is, they are talking about things which affect them directly.
In the case of Anne, I assume her weight has no direct effect on Jane's life. Jane's idea is not an intervention, it is plain old fashioned meddling, of the most intrusive and overbearing kind.

[VisionaryMom]

Intervention = bad idea. OTOH, never, ever mentioning the increasing weight of a friend whose life is being affected severely by weight isn't necessarily good either. I am morbidly obese. It is primarily because of medical issues/medications. I weighed 125 pounds when my medical problems started, so the weight issue has been really difficult for me. When I moved to my current location, I had gained significant weight, and it's only increased. None of the friends I've made ever mentioned weight at all around me, and it wasn't until I started talking about my medical issues & the weight that they've talked about it at all. Yeah, I know it's tough because it feels...invasive. OTOH, for someone like me, it's been incredibly isolating because weight issues aren't something I ever dealt with before. Knowing that others just thought I was an over-eater hurt me more than if they'd said something. I think it would be best to talk one-on-one with a friend who's overweight, but I definitely think it's important to offer support and help when a friend's functionality is prohibited because of her weight.

[Spiralshell]

This is a horrendously bad idea. Please get Jane to call it off. If she won't, please do what the previous posters suggested and warn her that you're going to tell Anne, and then go right ahead and tell Anne. She deserves not to be blindsided.

Also, I'm wondering why someone would even think this is a good idea. Maybe because confronting someone in a crowd makes it easier than having a true heart-to-heart one-on-one. Jane might be honestly concerned about Anne, but has no idea about how to bring up such a delicate topic in conversation. So instead of working that awkwardness out, she goes for the battering-ram approach. There's strength in numbers, so going in to confront poor Anne in a pack feels safer. But this is all about JANE feeling comfortable, not Anne.

[Smokering]

Oh wow. What a horrifically disgusting idea. ...I can't think of words strong enough that don't violate the UA, but WHERE do those friends think they get off?????

If Anne is fat, she knows it. The media pumps out anti-fat messages every day: so do rude people in carparks, horrible people in supermarkets, people everywhere. The last thing she needs is her friends attacking her. Weight gain is VERY largely genetic and diets have been proven to, on the whole, not work long-term (in fact, most people who diet actually end up weighing more than those who don't). It can also be due to medical conditions, in which case Anne probably knows about hers already.

I can't think of anything less likely to make me change my behavior on any matter than an intervention. They're an us-against-you aggressive ambush that prove people have been gossiping behind your back - fun. I don't know enough about them in drug/alcohol situations to say if they ever work or not, but they certainly don't sound friendly and I'd probably cut off communication with anyone who tried such publically shaming tactics on me.

I think you should strongly impress upon Jane the desirability of flinging herself under a bus before putting her so-called friend through such an event. Ew. Ew ew ew.

[E.V. Lowi]

Some one should stage an intervention for Jane- what the he!! has she been smokin?!

[eclipse]

That's just awful. I'm morbidly obese myself (though probably not as heavy as your friend) and I would be humiliated by something like that. The idea that all my loved ones were talking about me behind my back and planning something like that would be devestating. If someone I love had a concern about my health, I'd be glad to talk about it privately - if someone humliated me like that, I'd never talk to them again. Honestly, I think you should urge Jane to call it off, but I think you should also tell Anne. She needs to know what kind of "friend" Jane is.

[ILoveSweetpea]

Ok, I was feeling empowered by everyone's outrage and decided not to let a single minute of planning this "intervention" continue. So I called Jane this morning. Guess what? She was completely depressed because not a single person thought it was a good idea. LOL!! Thank GOD everyone else was level-headed.

She spent a part of our conversation trying to convince me that this really was something positive and life-changing for Anne. It turns out Jane has spoken to Anne on numerous occasions about her weight, but it has (according Jane) "no effect", so she felt that this was the next logical step to try to get Anne to change.

I tried to offer my two cents about just loving and supporting Anne for who she is, and letting her fight her own battles on her own time and in her own way. But I'm sure it fell on deaf ears. Jane was too into feeling sorry for herself that her fabulous idea was shot down by everyone. (I had to try hard to not sound like this )

Maybe I should have had more faith in everyone else that this would never get off the ground. I just don't know most of this group of friends, so I honestly didn't know what the reaction would be. So I've been thinking this morning about it and where to go from here. Should I even mention this to Anne? I don't think so. I don't think anything positive could come from her knowing such a plan was ever discussed. (Although she might be pleased to know that Jane was the only one who thought it was a good idea.) And, you know, I should give Anne credit... she'd probably just laugh at her life-long drama queen friend for cooking up such an insane idea, especially if Jane has been badgering her about her weight for a long time. But... who knows.

My plan is not to say anything to Anne about this party that never was. I don't plan to talk to her about her weight. If she wants to talk about it, that's fine... but I woudn't know how to bring it up in a way that wouldn't be potentially hurtful, so I won't. Is that burying my head in the sand? I don't know. I do know she see's a doctor with some regularity. I think the doctor is far more equipped to have these discussions with Anne than I am. I'm equipped to be her friend and accept her exactly as she is, and I hope she is willing to accept me (flaws and all) too. Jane would say that being a true friend isn't just about acceptance, it's about loving the person and wanting what's best for them. I guess I get that on some levels.

This whole thing has just reaffirmed to me why I've never really connected with Jane. I know she and Anne have a long history - but who needs friends like that?? Drama, drama, drama.

Thanks for your responses!

[racheepoo]

As someone who has lost 115 pounds, I can tell you that I would've never welcomed a conversation by a "friend" even if it was just couched in terms of concern. I knew I was fat, I knew my health problems were related to being fat, and my friends were supposed to be safe, yanow? A group of people who love me like I am. I guarantee you Anne has seen every newspaper or magazine article, she's getting talked to by her doctor every single visit, etc. She doesn't need it from her friends.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by MamaKickyPants

Wow-that hits me in the gut as a really, really bad idea. Wow. I would NOT participate in something like that, and I might go so far as to tell 'Anne' about her 'friends' plans. That would be so humiliating, and would do nothing to help the issue. Do they think she is stupid? Cause that's the implication - that all she needs to get healthy is some 'caring' friends to point out how bad things are. Do they live in her body? In her life? Sorry - this really got me going. I'm so sorry that 'Anne' has friends that would think that is a good idea. It sounds like you are good to her and have her best interests at heart. Don't participate!

[HistoryMom]

Originally Posted by racheepoo

As someone who has lost 115 pounds, I can tell you that I would've never welcomed a conversation by a "friend" even if it was just couched in terms of concern. I knew I was fat, I knew my health problems were related to being fat, and my friends were supposed to be safe, yanow? A group of people who love me like I am. I guarantee you Anne has seen every newspaper or magazine article, she's getting talked to by her doctor every single visit, etc. She doesn't need it from her friends.

Wow. way to go with the weight loss!

And I completely agree with you re: the situation. Friends should be a safe zone.

[LavenderMae]

I am so glad to hear that no one jumped on Jane's ridiculous and offensive band wagon!!!!

I am so freaking sick of fat prejudice. And so sick of people trying (not well ) to hide their fat prejudice behind "health issues". I had the pleasure (sarcasm)of hearing a rather obnoxious person go on and on about why they are thin and other people aren't recently. I really should have schooled her as she thought she was doing to the rest of us sitting with in ear shot. I was the only fat person there at the time and this woman was being openly prejudice and rude and NO ONE called her on it. I regret not calling her out now and if given another opportunity I won't be passing it up.

[dachshundqueen]

My only thought was, "What if this carnival drives your friend to suicide?"

Liz

[chinaKat]

Thank goodness nobody else thought the "hey we're all your friends and we think you're too fat" party was a good idea!

I'm appalled. Jane is a horrible person. A real friend would never come up with something so humiliating.

[Purple*Lotus]

I have not read the replies yet. I am 450 pounds and even though it might not show, I exercise, work closely with a doctor (more than one, actually) and am well aware of my problems.

If someone staged an intervention for me I think I would probably be beyond humiliated and I would never speak to them again. Harsh, perhaps. But I think I would rather have a friend say "Hey I am going walking tomorrow, want to join in?" rather than have a bunch of people in a room saying things to me. Sort of like the first one is more private, the second is out in the open and very embarassing.

But I would love for someone to offer to exercise with me, so if you want to, that would be great to offer to her. For me it is very humiliating to exercise in public because people often make fun of me, throw things at me, etc. Okay, not often, but Every. Single. Time. So having someone go with me would be so much easier because there is safety in numbers, so to speak.

But really, I encourage you not to do this intervention.

Maybe you could tell your friend about me!! I would love to maybe have her as en e-mail buddy. I don't know anyone else who weights as much as me or who truly understands the struggle with being this heavy, so I would love to have someone to talk to about it PM me if you want my e-mail address for her

[bcblondie]

I'm probably going to be horribly flamed for this but I have to say it. Call me terrible and insensitive but this person does have an eating disorder that could KILL HER.
As someone who has suffered from the opposite.. (eating too little) I would have DEFINATELY been extremely embarrased by an intervention. But the fact of teh matter is, if I continued, I could have died. If SHE continues, SHE WILL DIE!

Don't make it a massive group of people, but like, 4 of her closest friends/family that love her. She has an alterior motive for eating. She does. It's instant comfort. She needs to figure out the reason so that she can start over and have a healthy relationship with food, or she will NOT be around to watch her kids grow up.

[Kailey's mom]

Originally Posted by bcblondie

I'm probably going to be horribly flamed for this but I have to say it. Call me terrible and insensitive but this person does have an eating disorder that could KILL HER.
As someone who has suffered from the opposite.. (eating too little) I would have DEFINATELY been extremely embarrased by an intervention. But the fact of teh matter is, if I continued, I could have died. If SHE continues, SHE WILL DIE!

Don't make it a massive group of people, but like, 4 of her closest friends/family that love her. She has an alterior motive for eating. She does. It's instant comfort. She needs to figure out the reason so that she can start over and have a healthy relationship with food, or she will NOT be around to watch her kids grow up.

I understand where you are coming from; but I don't think that it's live or death with this lady. If she were binging, than feeling guilty or something like that, I can see where freinds should privately show their support, but it doesn't seem to be the case. In cases of anorexia/bulemia or drug use, I can see where a medical intervention is necessary.

[eclipse]

Originally Posted by bcblondie

I'm probably going to be horribly flamed for this but I have to say it. Call me terrible and insensitive but this person does have an eating disorder that could KILL HER.
As someone who has suffered from the opposite.. (eating too little) I would have DEFINATELY been extremely embarrased by an intervention. But the fact of teh matter is, if I continued, I could have died. If SHE continues, SHE WILL DIE!

Don't make it a massive group of people, but like, 4 of her closest friends/family that love her. She has an alterior motive for eating. She does. It's instant comfort. She needs to figure out the reason so that she can start over and have a healthy relationship with food, or she will NOT be around to watch her kids grow up.

Argh. Look, the lady knows she's fat. Nobody but her knows how she's eating. The OP has said that she goes to the doctor frequently, which means she's under medical supervision (and believe me, as someone who is obese, there's not a trip to the doctor that my weight/eating habits/activity levels are not a subject of discussion). And, in any case, an intervention that does not offer solutions is completely worthless at best, and harmful at worst. Do you really think if someone staged an intervention for your eating disorder without providing you with real, doable resources that it would be in anyway helpful? In any case, while obesity is link to a lot of different health risks, being obese (even super morbidly so) is not a SHE WILL DIE death sentence.

[Kailey's mom]

another thing too: fat people do not always eat a lot. My grandmother is clasified as obese. She eats LESS than my 3 year old, calorie wize. She is just made to be "comfy" IMO. She doesn't hide and binge, I know this as a fact, she's just grama. I eat like a cow and weigh 113lbs, but I am OUT OF SHAPE, my grandma could problalby walk further without getting out of breath. I think weight has alot of stereotypes.