I have still not told my birth stories in full and I'm not sure I ever will except face-to-face, but I wanted to offer you some support with some of what I experienced.
I had 2 c/s before my first freebirth. I'll call that FB1.
I had never before experienced labour and my c/s's were both coerced and the second one had me in the ICU, nearly dead for two hours, one hr after which I was finally allowed to see my son.
I couldn't have before that because I was completely paralysed and even when I was conscious, couldn't budge my eyelids.
Anyway, suffice it say that both c/s were traumatic and I came to what I then called UC and now call freebirth (no disrespect to the term UC; I just prefer freebirth for many reasons, for me personally. I find it very empowering to talk about it and to think of it with this title, amongst other reasons) through the reality that no midwife would take me on and only one OB would 'let' me go past 40 weeks to the day or have a baby larger than 8 lbs by US estimation by trial of labour (a term I detest, but I digress). All other required repeat c/s. Doing it by myself became my reality.
I began my research and became so well-read on birth and anthropological perspectives ob birth wordlwide that I was invited to speak at the College of Midwives' annual conference (I had had many discussions with my former midwife-become-friend during that time and she had many with other midwives as a result of what I was learning; hence the invitation was made to me). I couldn't go though because I was expecting our third child in the timeframe of the conference. That would have been totally awesome though!
Both of my c/s were for breach positions known by u/s and my midwife was required to consult with an OB when this showed up at 36 weeks. That is obviously plenty of time for turning yet. My ds1 was dated by u/s at a 20 week u/s, and it turned out that he was very premature when taken, and that came with a year of struggles for both of us. Both babies were taken from me before the supposed 40 weeks, even by u/s dating and not for any reason other than both OBs were going on vacation and told me that I could choose to have whomever is on-call when I hit 40 weeks and that OB may be on his/her second consecutive shift and bleary-eyed, OR I could do it 'a bit early'. I was told that labour may kill my babies. I was lied to a LOT.
So with dc3 on the way, I wisened up.
When 40 weeks came (and I knew the dates this time around), I began to have prodromal labour every night that petered out around 4am. Yes, every night I went into what seemed like labour. I felt the ripping and tearing of my adhesions and that was very painful. It was also liberating though because during this time, I was finally able to take in a full breath and stand up completely straight. My adhesions had prevented both of those things since my second c/s. There was pain every night, but relief every day, and this went on for FOUR WEEKS!!!
Then on the day ds3 came, it was a regular prodromal night with real-feeling contractions like always, and me with my pillows and tea and a book for between contractions (they had been very irregular and sometimes allowed ten minutes between) the long night ahead, settled into the livingroom by myself while dh and dc slept.
Instead of petering out at 4 am though, my contractions at that time nearly exactly (4:03am, dh woke, looked at clock and heard me feeling the first non-adhesion contraction which felt different not in intensity, but without the tearing, it was just different and it surprised me), became regular and felt really intense. There was no more adhesion tearing pain, which had stopped only a few minutes before the first contraction without that so I could feel the intensity without the tearing and that was awesome! I believe that my body had to be free of those adhesions to do its work, so once it finished up the last tearing, it could do the work of helping the baby out.
I had no idea what to expect whatsoever. I had no visualisations of this birth to come. I had had many terrifying dreams and looped thoughts from my previous traumatic births during the month of prodromal labour, but I worked through those on purpose, demystified the whole thing for myself and embraced the idea that I would take as long as I needed to and focus in whatever way I needed for the birth. I had nowhere to go anyway since I also knew that if I went for another c/s, I wouldn't make it out of the ICU.
My water broke twice during that month, sealing up the first time and then leeking for a week before ds3 was born. I of course did no internal checks and had no concern about infection. Baby was active throughout all stages of pg and labour. He's never stopped being active actually.
Even still, I refused to have a fearful birth, and embraced every contraction, every twinge and feeling that it brought. I was amazed at my body's strength and ability to do all this work, especially after so many weeks of trying it all out! But perhaps that was my birthing workout routine.
Anyway, I had a beautiful birth with both freebirths and FB1 was painless after the first hour of non-adhesion contractions (FB2 was 3 minutes long and ds4 was 10lb 8 oz and hadn't dropped at all until he came barrelling out of my body!). FB1 was a nine hr labour and the last eight hours were really awesome, no pain, and yielded a 10lb 3oz blond, curly haired boy with curly fingernails and a dark green placenta. He screamed before his body was born and was completely pink and aware immediately upon emerging and sliding onto the floor.
I think that deciding to allow my body to take as long as it needed, to allow my mind to work through all of the trauma and pain I endured, and also to be open to a new and wonderful experience whatever it would end up being, were all key to me overcoming my birth traumas and to being able to be truly present without fear during my first freebirth.
Once I accomplished that, I was ready in both mind and body, and ds3 was born at 44 wks and 2 days. Then ds4 was also a freebirth and I am anticipating my 3rd freebirth this summer with joy and happiness knowing that freebirthing is so great and absolutely the default for me and my family, a true secret I wish I had known before but am so glad to have discovered incidentally anyway.
You can do this, mama. Feel free to pm me if you wish, for anything at all.
ETA: I forgot to write that if you are feeling strongly that you do want some assurances, then by all means, go and find them! Consulting is not giving away your right to choose your birth intentions and doesn't interfere with your plans at all. If you do consult with someone, make sure that they will be open to being consulted and know that they are not being asked to take responsibility for you or your baby. I have found that being up-front with hcps about this means that the ones who do not want to relinquish what they erroneously believe to be control are easily weeded out and I can find the perhaps very few people who have an understanding that might benefit me and my family and even perhaps make a new friendship too!
you can do this. calm yourself. stay positive. you, your body, and your baby know what to do.
I'm glad you found your peace. Good luck and happy baby vibes!
