We're all just so unhappy right now... advice?

[Hokulele]

We're going through a phase with our 4.5 year old that is driving a serious wedge between all of us. I need help!!

Right now DD's refusal to cooperate, rudeness, and whining is creating such a bad feeling in our house. It is constant, not just when she is tired or hungry. It begins the minute she wakes, ends when she falls asleep at night and continues even when she wakes in the middle of the night, which is at least once a night.

Because of this DH is constantly mad, DD2 gets less attention than she should and I am so sad, disappointed and worried. Everything is a battle, from getting ready in the morning to unexpected reactions from her - anger at little bumps in the road of our day.

One major issue - she can't stand being taken by surprise, even a mild unplanned event creates a full blown angry reaction. For instance, she was painting a picture yesterday and flipped out when I walked in the room. She didn't want me to see the picture yet and was angry that I might have.

There is so much "I hate you" or "you've ruined my life" coming out of her. Lots of tongue sticking out, lots of hitting etc. I said to her once, "I never hit you, please don't hit me" and now she often says to me "You do hit me, you spank me right here on my butt" I have never once spanked her!!! I get so riled up I almost do want to spank her.

I am having a hard time knowing how to handle this in a GD way. What is the natural consequence to sticking out a tongue? To holding your hands over your ears and humming so you can't hear Mommy or Daddy asking you to do something? What about to hitting? What about to saying "I don't like you?" What about when it is all these things at once and we just went through this 1/2 an hour ago???

I try really hard to to Playful Parenting but even when I come up with a fun approach it often gets shot down. And, frankly, I just sometimes don't feel playful enough to summon the energy 400x a day. Sometimes I just want her to do what I ask willingly. I don't expect it to happen every time, but right now nothing goes smoothly and I end up in tears at least once a day.

I need words of wisdom! Anyone been through this at this extreme level? How did you handle it? How did YOU find the energy to get through each day?

[orangefoot]

My 3yo is wearing me down right now and some days I have to just sit down and snuggle her (if she will let me) and tell her I love her and she is my special girl just to keep it in my head that she is, before I lose my mind and my patience.

For freaking if you come into the room could you try calling out to her before you get to the door? For hitting, I just walk away and if she talks to herself so as not to listen to me I just stop talking. If she is telling me that she doesn't ant me near her or she doesn't want to listen then right now I don't have the energy to fight her so I just stop doing what is bugging her.

I have no solutions, I'm sorry, I am still practising with this one and she is my 4th!

[FallingLeaves]

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice. My 4.5 yo has suddenly developed an attitude. She sticks her tongue out and is very sassy and I really don't know what to do. DH's parenting philosophies are very different from mine so he will make her go to bed when she starts acting like that. That drives me crazy because that doesn't make any sense to me. The consequences he comes up with aren't logical but I don't know what logical consequences would be for this kind of behavior. He blames her behavior on AP. I think his way of disciplining is very disrespectful to her. It's wearing me out. Hopefully some wise mama's can give us some advice.

[skreader]

Originally Posted by Hokulele

We're going through a phase with our 4.5 year old that is driving a serious wedge between all of us. I need help!!

(snip)

There is so much "I hate you" or "you've ruined my life" coming out of her. Lots of tongue sticking out, lots of hitting etc. I said to her once, "I never hit you, please don't hit me" and now she often says to me "You do hit me, you spank me right here on my butt" I have never once spanked her!!! I get so riled up I almost do want to spank her.

I am having a hard time knowing how to handle this in a GD way. What is the natural consequence to sticking out a tongue? To holding your hands over your ears and humming so you can't hear Mommy or Daddy asking you to do something? What about to hitting? What about to saying "I don't like you?" What about when it is all these things at once and we just went through this 1/2 an hour ago???
(snip)

I need words of wisdom! Anyone been through this at this extreme level? How did you handle it? How did YOU find the energy to get through each day?

Well, I never had it quite as bad as you with my own kids, but when they were rude, I called them on it, and when they over-reacted to minor things, I tried various ways to let them know: A) They are over-reacting, B) There are other ways to handle it.

re: the "I hate you".

When my kids tried it out a couple of times, I told them it was rude and that I didn't mind them saying "I'm angry at you" but that I hate you was too much.

There's various levels of this GD stuff - and I'm probably not the most "G". When they were rude, I would also sometimes put them on "the bench" for a minute or two. We would also sometimes send them to their rooms for a few minutes.

re: the hitting
I think they only tried once or twice as very young toddlers and I caught their hands in mid-air firmly and said "No hitting" with a firm voice and a frown.

re: the flipping out when you come in the room

I dunno, when my kids freaked out over really mild stuff I would sometimes try and say something along the lines of "I'm sorry if I startled you, but that's no reason to make such a big deal out of it. Chill." If they continued, I'd either walk away or have them go to their rooms.

I think for this sort of disproportionate response I also taught the kids the phrase "making a mountain out of a molehill" or "tempest in a teapot" (in a playful way).

I think that I sometimes tried to help calm them down with taking deep breaths or asking if they wanted a hug.

re: sticking out tongue and holding hands to ears

I think something along the lines of a calmly stated "That is rude and I won't stand here and be insulted" and walk away. In my opinion, having someone get irritated with you and withdraw from you *IS* a natural consequence for being rude and unpleasant.

If she then approaches you, have her apologize first, before you reconcile.

[crowcaw]

You're describing one of my 4 yo dds. No move I made was right, it seemed she was always angry at me, she was rude, would hit me when unhappy with something I did or with life in general. I was at a loss and actually ended up going to a family counselor because I felt my relationship with my dd was in a terrible downward spiral. The therapist suggested that I take what for me was a pretty drastic measure to curb the behavior and then, once it was calmer, work on figuring out triggers and the why of the behavior. Definitely not UP, but life is so much better for both of us I think it was the right thing to do.

What the therapist suggested was basically a behavior chart but to address only the disrespectful. The day was broken up into several blocks and each time she made it through one block without being rude or disrespectful (and we had defined the things that I would consider rude and disrespecful) she would get a check on the chart and 2 prizes. The prizes had to be something that would really float her boat; in our case that was little wrapped surprises (hairclips, little soaps, lip balm...). The prizes were supposed to be something that would really motivate her and for her wrapped and surprise is a big deal. If she was rude during a time block she got an x, no prizes for that block, and I took back one surprise that was rewrapped and went back in the pot. If she was rude multiple times, I took one back each time. After a couple weeks the hitting, name calling, etc. stopped and I could talk to her about things when she started to get upset and start figuring out what about the situation was upsetting her and help her through it.

I feel like if I had been paying attention in the first place we may have not gotten to the point where she was reacting so strongly, but once there it was habit and the habit had to be broken before we could make progress. In her case I now see the issues mostly stem from having an expectation or plan about the way something should be and when something beyond her control causes a deviation from the plan it is intensely upsetting. And she always had a plan. Once we got rid of the lashing out it got so if I recognized and acknowledged the plan (if I could figure it out) she could keep it together. Now she's getting to the point where she can tell me what has gone so horribly wrong - not always calmly and without a good deal of emotion, but at least she's able to articulate what the problem is. Now I'm pretty confident that we'll eventually be able to take some of the emotion out of it.

Your example of walking into the room and your dd freaking because she didn't want you to see her picture is exactly something my dd would have done. If my dd had a plan, like surprising me with a picture, and I spoiled it by walking through the door, she would have had a fit in which I would have heard all sorts of nasty things and not be able to remedy the situation. One of my first break throughs was we had gone to a friend's house and she had drawn a picture for the friend but we forgot it at home. She remembered it when we got to their house and started saying she didn't want to be there, I shouldn't have made her come, etc. Not in a happy sweet tone, but not as negative as she had been before our "behavior modification" and without hitting me or raging at me. The picture hadn't been mentioned but I remembered about it and miraculoulsy guessed that that was what the problem was, asked her if it was and she just started sobbing. I suggested we ask for some paper and make another picture there, which she thought was a good idea. Prior to eliminating the hitting, name calling, etc I am sure that she would have reacted by hitting me and being really rude, I probably would have reacted to that by leaving, and it would have escalated even more from there.

We're still a long way from perfect but the disrespectful habits seem to be broken. Good luck with your dd. I know how heart wrenching it can be.

On the bright side, the therapist I have seen is of the mind that my dd is exceptionally bright and independently minded and those are just things that are hard for a 4 yo to be.

[claddaghmom]

These stories really remind me of myself...and I see it in DD too so I guess I have something to look forward to...

I think crowcaw is right on the mark about 'planning' being a key in the child's behavior. I still remember my mom's daily remarks, "You have to learn to adjust!" lol

And I still plan things out like crazy...down to the infinite details and days, months, years ahead. Everything is a plan.

DD gets this way, too and it's hard b/c she can barely talk. So if we miss a communication, a gesture or word, she can get really upset.

I feel for you guys...just try to take a break...go to an indoor playground and let it all out.