Do high needs babies turn into high needs preschoolers?

[Hokulele]

DD is 4.5 years old.

She was a high needs baby. At the time I didn't know what that was but since reading about it here have discovered such a term exists (and I can't even tell you how it finally made me feel sane after all the stress of her first couple of years.)

I feel like she hasn't grown out of that high needs thing, but I don't know where to find out about high needs preschoolers. Has anyone else found that the traits continue beyond babyhood? Where can I find out more about this?

DD is a wonderful, caring sensitive, smart child. But everything with her is extreme:

- When she was in a temper tantrum phase, her tantrums would last for hours - 3-4 hours. She'd lose her voice from screaming so much.
- Her emotions are extreme. She develops obsessions with people (a teacher, a cousin etc) and cannot leave them alone - hangs all over them etc - until they go a little crazy from it.
- Sleep is still a major issue. She fights it at bedtime and will wake at least once a night. Often the middle of the night waking involves screaming and crying, often over things we can't pinpoint, she's just mad.
- She's very clingy, wants me to carry her everywhere, etc. When I drop her off at school she cries every day - she's been attending a preschool part time for 2.5 years now, still cries daily. When I go to pick her up she gets really mad that she has to leave and will scream and hit me in front of all the teachers and kids.

It seems like no one else I know IRL has a child like this, but then, no one I knew had a high needs baby. Is this normal for a child to stay so extreme into the preschool years. Does it go beyond this? How do I handle it? Where can I get more info?

[racheepoo]

In my experience, my high-needs guy adjusted surprisingly and extremely well to preschool and then to kindergarten. He saves the drama for home

One of the best pieces of advice I got was not to do part-time for preschool. I was nervous, but trusted the directors because they have a very gentle approach. It turned out to be the right decision...by the time he got into being there, I would be picking him up and he couldn't handle it. Whereas if he's there all day, that's what he does for the day kwim?

I had no choice but to make it work because I was a single parent at that point and working FT, but I was very very relieved.

[_betsy_]

Sounds like she has a lot of trouble with transitions. Is she napping? I ask because my 2.5 yo DD1 has a much better time f things if I can get her to nap, though it's rare. She's fought sleep since Day 1.

Maybe check out the book The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children by Ross W. Greene. Many here have recommended it. Even if she's not what you'd describe as explosive (or violent), you may be able to glean some insight and advice from the book.

[haleyelianasmom]

I classified my daughter as "high needs" as a toddler. I think she was okay as a baby (she would sleep for a good stretch at night and would smile - she wasn't constantly screaming), but I could definitely tell she was a bit different as she got into toddlerhood. First off, teething was hell and she would literally spend an entire day either screaming or nursing. She was VERY nervous in new situations. She would never just run into a playgroup an play. She'd cling to me, cry if someone got too close or bumped her, and barely play because she was busy watching the other kids and getting used to be there. Sometimes she'd just warm up in time to go home. And she'd go to sleep SO LATE (we're talking 10:30 at EARLIEST, sometimes it was as late as 1am). She also had night terrors regularly. Oh and when we took her to see some circus performer at the library... wow, she was totally freaked out. not to mention when the cirque de soleil clowns came to the library. yikes. We had to leave she was inconsolable. She was around 2 at the time. And again, she could rarely leave my side until she was about 3. Even when we signed her up for a parent tot music class just before she turned 3, she couldn't even walk up to grab an instrument without pulling me with her.

As a baby, she would NOT let me out of sight. I couldn't just run to the bathroom at a playgroup and have someone keep an eye on her and it took her until 14-ish months before she could sit with my dad. We could never have people babysit her because she would freak out.

So I'd say she was high needs in some respects, but not in others. Like when I hear from parents who never sleep more than 90 minutes at a time... That was only her a couple days of her life when she was teething, not a regular thing.

Now, I'd say she's pretty easy. She's still slower to warm up to situations. When we go to a playgroup, she asks me to come and play with her, but she'll also run off if she has a friend with her. She takes dance and gymnastics without me. She puts herself to bed in her own room no problem. She does most things by herself (getting dressed, going to the bathroom, etc) and can handle being dropped off with Grandma and grandpa. So I'd definitely say she went from being very high-intensity to pretty easy. We're homeschooling, so we haven't had any school transitions. Sleep is definitely a big trigger. As are growth spurts it seems.

ETA: oh yeah. dd gets the "clings to people" thing, too. She though my 15 yo cousin was just the coolest person ever and just quietly sat on her lap forever, then dragged her around a bit to play. That might just be a 4 year old thing, though.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

DD was really high needs as a baby, but is pretty easygoing at 4-5 (she just turned 5).

[Rosehip]

I think it's a crap shoot.

My DS ran laps around what other moms I knew called "high needs." He screamed. non. stop. I was absolutely terrified to go back to work - that he'd end up a shaken baby, because, yes, he was that difficult. Even to me. He VERY gradually mellowed until about 18 months or so, and he became the happiest-go-lucky toddler & now 3 year old. He's cooperative, cheerful, and sweet. I could never have have predicted this. My DD, who was what a friend called a *trick baby* (so incredibly easy, they trick you into having more) is now an independent minded 5 yo with a bit of a sassy streak. Go figure.

In terms of school - what do the teachers suggest? What happens after you leave? Does she settle pretty quickly?

[Katielady]

My high-needs baby has become a sweet, loving, definitely high-needs preschooler.

I'm working my way through "Raising Your Spirited Child," by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, and I'm find a lot of great insight and useful techniques there. I just wish the book weren't so LONG...468 pages! The message is fairly simple; I feel this book could have used some serious editing. I mean, what parent of a spirited child has time for a book this long?

Anyway, not to digress too much, I do recommend picking up a copy at the library.

[noobmom]

Originally Posted by Rosehip

I think it's a crap shoot.

My DS ran laps around what other moms I knew called "high needs." He screamed. non. stop. I was absolutely terrified to go back to work - that he'd end up a shaken baby, because, yes, he was that difficult. Even to me. He VERY gradually mellowed until about 18 months or so, and he became the happiest-go-lucky toddler & now 3 year old. He's cooperative, cheerful, and sweet. I could never have have predicted this. My DD, who was what a friend called a *trick baby* (so incredibly easy, they trick you into having more) is now an independent minded 5 yo with a bit of a sassy streak. Go figure.

In terms of school - what do the teachers suggest? What happens after you leave? Does she settle pretty quickly?

Yep. DS was high-needs, everyone told me that I was just an inexperienced first-time mom. Until they actually try to calm him down themselves. :roll

He's a sweet, easy-going preschooler now. It seems like it can really go either way.

[Purple Cat]

My high-need baby girl definitely is still high-need. I think it's just her temperment.

[Peony]

DD1's first year was horrid, then until age 4 or so it wasn't *that* bad. I don't know it if was just because it wasn't as bad as it had been as it was when she was a baby, or I just don't remember that well..... 4 was a slow decline, 5 was a rapid one, she is 7 now and still a handful. Out of my 3 children, she is the oldest, she is still one that drives me to the breaking point on a daily basis. The other ones have some difficult phases and then move on, she just never changes in that sense.

[HistoryMom]

DS was a high needs baby. He had to be held *all the time* and would scream if put down for even a minute. He didn't sleep much or well. it was tiring.

However, as a toddler he was really quite easy and has stayed very easy in many many ways. He just turned seven and he's a delight.

That being said, he's highly sensitive. I am too, so that makes our lives easier. He's also an only child and we are able to live (largely) consensually. I think these factors set him up for "success." If we had a noisier household, if I didn't "get" his highly sensitive nature, and/or if we were more authoritarian, I think he would be much more difficult.

[IntrovertExtrovert]

My now 3.5 year old high needs baby has mellowed a lot. He's still much more active, somewhat more sensitive, and less independent than the average kid his age. But he sleeps almost an average amount these days (usually 10.5-11.5 hours) and only wakes up during the night if something's wrong, or if he's not sleeping near me. He still needs more of my attention than most kids his age seem to, but I'm not sure how much of that is being an only child, and just not being practiced at playing on his own/with someone else without me.

He definitely still needs more active/outside/runaround time than other kids his age, but as long as I work with it instead of against it, we're in a good place.

He seems (to me) somewhat more emotionally sensitive than the other kids in his preschool class, but not way out of line with them. He's definitely not screaming for hours on end, as he did as a baby. We might even have an entire day without tears every once in a while.

Then again, so much of his high needs as a baby were caused by his reflux/food allergies/intolerances/eczema. Once all that got under control and he didn't hurt so much of the time, he really mellowed.

As to where to find advice re: high needs preschoolers, I've heard great things about Raising Your Spirited Child.

[flitters]

In our case, yes, definitely. The intensity seemed to peak for ds between 3.5 and 4.5.

[BaBaBa]

Originally Posted by Katielady

I'm working my way through "Raising Your Spirited Child," by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, and I'm find a lot of great insight and useful techniques there.

Definitely!

...and yes, my high needs baby is a high needs 3 year old now.

[Curlyfry7]

My first high needs baby is now a high needs 3 y/o.....

...and since high needs DD just turned one, it's too soon to say whether or not she'll mellow as a preschooler or not (but so far shows no signs of mellowing )

[Mamabeakley]

IME, yes.

Off to reserve the Explosive Child book at the library . . . (*what* a title!)

I recently phrased it to myself like this: I could probably parent DS2 and DD with my hands tied behind my back . . . which is good, because often that's how much of me is available - parenting DS1 takes "both hands" even now that he's almost 6.

I don't see this as a problem exactly . . . just very, very challenging. I know it must be challenging to be him as well - and I try to parent him with compassion as much as humanly possible.

[beanma]

I haven't read the whole thread closely, but I did want to second the recommendation for Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's books. I actually prefer "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles" (not a great title, IMO) to "Your Spirited Child", but there is a lot of overlap between the two. "Kids, parents and Power Struggles" has a lot on different temperaments, and especially on meshing parental temperaments with kids' temperaments without causing power struggles.

"Explosive Child" is a good book, too, but it deals with really explosive issues. I often recommend it to parents struggling with a violent 6 yr old or something along those lines, but your situation sounds more like KPPS or Spirited Child to me.

Good luck!

[beanma]

Wanted to add that a lot of parents have reported huge behavior changes from dietary changes. You might read in the allergies forum or maybe the special needs forum.

[MissNo]

Our high need baby is now an intense, and very sensitive preschooler. She doesn't handle transitions well, be they coaching changes, changes to snacks or shows she enjoys watching , new teachers/students, crowds of parents, not even having "Happy Birthday" sung to her at her birthday party. She requires myself or my husband at her side pretty much everywhere, and is only now starting to sleep on her own.

That said, the amount of her need seems to be cyclical. It tends to correspond to milestones, new activities, and developmental stages, so we can help ourselves help her by using her cues to figure out what is causing her tension, and try to alleviate it.

[mags]

Originally Posted by flitters

In our case, yes, definitely. The intensity seemed to peak for ds between 3.5 and 4.5.

Same here. DS2 is 4.5 yrs old and I am dreading the teen yrs already. I just keep hoping that DS3 is more like DS1 and not like DS2.