Help with 9 year old DD.

[walking burp cloth]

I have a 9 year old dd. She is at "that age" (?) I suppose. Very much a rolling her eyes, stomping her feet, argue over EVERYTHING stage. If there is a moment where I need her to do anything she does not want to do, this is her response. Getting ready for school, tidying her room, unloading the dishwasher (or any other household contribition for that matter), leave this place, getting dresses in the morning. Seriously... if I am not asking her to go eat some icecream, while wearing her jammies for days in a row at a slumber party.... you get the picture.

I believe she is old enough to take care of many things on her own. (ie. getting ready for school in the morning-she even has a cute list of what she needs to do. She does it every day, and it is always SUCH a big deal.

I also believe it is important that she learns that being a member of a family means we all work together and have some contributions. (age oppropriate of course)

How do I teach her there are some things that are just a part of life? That you just do it, and life is what you make of it in the mundane things. She has such a negative attitude about anything that takes effort (even things that come harder for her at school, like math; where reading has always come easy and she loves it.

I let her know that she doesn't have to like the task, but that it is not OK to roll her eyes at me, or stomp off, or ignore me. I ask her for her imput, and give her choices whenever oppropriate. In fact, she has a chores list that she helped create.

I want to make her a "fuss" jar, where she has to put a quarter in every time she fusses, whines, stomps, bosses, rolls her eyes, sasses etc, instead of talking through, asking questions, obeying, using her words. I want her to actually see how often she does this, because I think she is may not be very self aware. And I also want some sort of consequence.....

What do you think? Is this harsh? Any other suggestions? I deffinately was not taught how to manage and understand my emotions as a child and have had to learn through some difficult adult relationships.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by walking burp cloth

I want to make her a "fuss" jar, where she has to put a quarter in every time she fusses, whines, stomps, bosses, rolls her eyes, sasses etc, instead of talking through, asking questions, obeying, using her words. I want her to actually see how often she does this, because I think she is may not be very self aware. And I also want some sort of consequence.....

Um.. isn't the fuss jar the consequence??

[walking burp cloth]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Um.. isn't the fuss jar the consequence??

Yes, the fuss jar is the consequence I am talking about.

But I am wondering if this is harsh? Are there better ideas?

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by walking burp cloth

IHow do I teach her there are some things that are just a part of life? That you just do it, and life is what you make of it in the mundane things. .

I think most of this is taught through example. We talk through our experiences of life together: my experiences, her experiences, other people's experiences, etc. We talk about hardships as we encounter them (ours and others...it can help to keep ours in perspective when she becomes more aware of the way people live world round). We also talk about all the jobs that need to be done to run a household, and how much each member of the family needs to contribute. She knows that I don't always LOVE cooking, cleaning, etc for the entire family, but I try to do it with a smile anyway because I love my family.

When my dd fusses about doing a simple chore, I usually ignore the fuss and repeat my request very simply. For example, if I want her to gather her dirty laundry, and she fusses/whines, I say "DD, laundry." and wait expectantly. I don't give much attention to the fuss in the moment. Of course, sometimes I lose my temper and bark right back, lol, but usually I will talk to her about it at a more neutral time.

I can see how the jar would give her an idea of just how much she does this, but I don't know if I would personally use a monetary punishment (I do use punishment for some things, but I probably wouldn't for in this case). An alternative might be a white board where she could put a check mark each time, to give the benefit of a visual.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by walking burp cloth

Yes, the fuss jar is the consequence I am talking about.

But I am wondering if this is harsh? Are there better ideas?

I'm sitting her : because I have no idea. I just asked about that because you said "also some consequence"

[sapphire_chan]

Actually, I do have an idea. You get more of what you focus on, according to "easy to love difficult to discipline" by Bailey. So focus on what you want to happen instead of what you don't want to happen.

Sunnmama gave an awesome practical example of that concept.

Doesn't necessarily work to get obedience, but it does go a long way towards improving *my* mood in dealing with a toddler. You might find the same thing with your 9 yo.

[tiffani]

I do call my daughter's attention to her behavior toward me in the moment (if it isn't too out of control -- if she storms off and slams her door, I assume she needs a moment to gather herself ) but gently and respectfully. If she is scowling or rolling her eyes, I just say "could we have this talk without the scowling, it hurts my feelings..." or something like that. I'm not sure why, but the pre-teen attitude rolls right off my back and I'm pretty well able to just focus on the matter at hand. maybe because I was awful with my mom in that regard and she never said anything -- I understand the need for kids to start to push away from their parents when conflict arises, so it doesn't bother me. I've always been really committed to focusing on our relationship before behavior, and that, I think, has served us well at this stage... don't get me wrong, plenty of things DO get under my skin, but the blatant teenage "sass" I just gently address and move on, and so far (dd is 10) it seems to work really well to just succinctly address the body language and press on with whatever we're talking about, treating them as two separate issues, and not giving a huge amount of energy to the "sass". I guess I also see the positive side of that energy, it's a kid learning how to stand up for themselves, and my job is to help her learn to stand up for herself appropriately.

good times!

[DeChRi]

My 10yo DD is in exactly the same stage. I am taking notes here.