gifts from birthfamily you dislike?

[pumpkingirl71]

Just wondering, what do you all do with gifts from your child's birthfamily that you dislike? Part of me feels that these gifts are dd's to cherish, and part of me wants to throw them in the trash right now.

My daughter's birthmother asked for a Christmas list. We agonized over it, coming up with three ideas for gifts that we thought were appropriately priced and dd would love.

Come Christmas, she sent bags and bags of gifts that were completely inappropriate. So honestly, I am insulted on many levels. My daughter doesn't even really like them. They are cluttering up the house and getting my daughter in trouble.

When I am feeling charitable, I know that if my daughter's birthmother could make good decisions about anything, she might be parenting my daughter. Maybe that is why I am so angry about this, every little bad decision the birthmother makes reminds me of the huge ways she has hurt my daughter. But right now, what do I do with all of these presents?

[AllyRae]

How old is your daughter? Those are her possessions and the link to her birth family. I honestly think that I would bag them up and keep them in storage and allow her to choose what to do with them later. One day she might regret having them thrown out.

[SundayCrepes]

Our baby's birthmom has given one gift at a time. Although the one is not the type of toy we would buy, it's fairly harmless so we leave it for her to play with. The other is a battery operated noisy talking thing. We took the batteries out of it and let her play with it as is. We will save these toys for her when she is older.

However, if we got volumes of toys, we would not keep them all. We weed through all the toys no matter who gave them to our kids. A few special gifts we might hang onto, but I don't know for how long. This past Christmas we came home and weeded out the excess number of relative gifts. Some will be returned to the store, some will be donated to charity. The rest the kids can play with until it is time to get rid of them.

If our baby's birthmom gave us scads of toys, I would treat them as I do any other gift. Too many is just too many. Return them to a store if you can, donate those you can't return, and save a special few for her to have when she is older.

Regarding your anger at the birthmom. Someone once suggested I consider people like that as having a wheelchair where their head goes. They are handicapped. It is not within their abilities to make good decisions. Would you get angry at someone in a wheelchair that can't walk. Of course not. So why waste your energy getting angry at someone not capable of making good choices? Your daughter needs you to not get angry.

[pumpkingirl71]

Originally Posted by SundayCrepes

Regarding your anger at the birthmom. Someone once suggested I consider people like that as having a wheelchair where their head goes. They are handicapped. It is not within their abilities to make good decisions. Would you get angry at someone in a wheelchair that can't walk. Of course not. So why waste your energy getting angry at someone not capable of making good choices? Your daughter needs you to not get angry.

Such good advice, I wish I could make myself believe it. I do right now, but then another bad decision will come down the pike and I will be all emotion again

[Polliwog]

Of course you will. Because it's not that simple. Your daughter's birthmother caused severe and lifelong harm.

I'm sure I'll be where you are present-wise sometime this month. We're supposed to get together with DS's birthmother and grandmother and haven't done it yet.

[SundayCrepes]

Originally Posted by pumpkingirl71

Such good advice, I wish I could make myself believe it. I do right now, but then another bad decision will come down the pike and I will be all emotion again

Yeah, well, easier said than done.

[MommyKelly]

I have only got things for one non bio dd, but we keep all cards, letters, pictures in a box for her to have when she is older. She was taken away fror the last time at 22 months. She had visits up until 2.5, and we have let her talk to birth mom on the phone once or twice a year. She is now 5. She does not want to talk to birthmom anymore, and we do not make her. Anything about birthmom upsets her, so it is packed away. Also in the box is a baby braclet, and a prayer card, and rosery from her bio Dad whom she has no contact or memories of, and saw once during a court ordered visit at 2.5.

There is a box on its way I guess from birth Mom of Christmas gifts. If it arrives, DH and I decided we will see what it is and if there is something meaningful, or some type of keepsake we will add it to her box. If it is just misc toys or what not, we will donate them to the childrens emergency shelter.

When we adopted her we gained the right to decide what is in the best interest for our dd.

ETA: Our therapist told me when I was having anger issues, to remember we wouldnt have the blessing of dd, if her birth mom didnt make the choices she did. That it is her journey, and dd has her own journey and all we can do is move forward and be positive and focus on what we have now.

[SundayCrepes]

Originally Posted by MommyKelly

ETA: Our therapist told me when I was having anger issues, to remember we wouldnt have the blessing of dd, if her birth mom didnt make the choices she did. That it is her journey, and dd has her own journey and all we can do is move forward and be positive and focus on what we have now.

I think one's spiritual beliefs play into this. I think it's possible that we are each here to learn lessons. If this is true, events happen in our lives that give us the opportunity to learn those lessons. I look at the horrific things that can happen in life as part of our "journey" to learn.

I don't know if this theory is true or not. However, it makes it easier to get through the bad days.

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by MommyKelly

if there is something meaningful, or some type of keepsake we will add it to her box. If it is just misc toys or what not, we will donate them to the childrens emergency shelter.

We have not donated things right out of the box, but there are certainly toys that my kids (particularly ds) have had from their birthfamilies that didn't last forever or didn't ever make it into rotation, or whatever. So we too focus on the stuff that is most meaningful or keepsake when we save things for the longterm.

Anything dd was given, she was given before her adoption at three years old. At visitations, her birthmother frequently brought toys for dd that were falling apart, in raunchy condition, etc. None of them were really appropriate for play, so I packed away the ones dd's birthmother claimed were most special for when dd is older and wants something from her birthmom. The rest we did not keep.

By the way, we have moved several times since, and my hope is that this stuff hasn't gotten lost along the way (certainly some things I treasure have gotten lost).

Though on one hand I feel a lot of pressure in that I can imagine that a "good" adoptive mother would save every scrap from the birthparents for their children, on the other hand, some birthparents give more than others...and some give stuff that is more random than others. Also, in an open adoption like my ds' adoption, I feel like the stuff becomes less important...less of a focus. My ds could call and talk to his birthfamily anytime, so do I really need to hang onto every last thing they send forever and ever? My guess is that no, his later need for those kinds of things won't be so great because he has the relationship. But even in the case of dd, I can't and won't be able to save everything my children's lives through. And yes, as has been said, when we adopted our children, we gained the right to make decisions about this kind of thing.

[Momtwice]

Your daughter needs you to not get angry.

I may be splitting hairs but disagree. Your daughter needs you to model dealing with anger in a constructive way. To expect you not to feel angry sad happy or any other feeling is not realistic.

My point is to be gentle with yourself when you feel anger or any other emotion and then feel ashamed for it.

(Or maybe by "get angry" this poster meant expressing it in a big way that you show your dd.)

[Whistler]

Listening in here. I foresee similar issues in our future. So far I have had the attitude that the gifts are to be treated similarly to gifts from grandmas or aunts that may be annoying? Maybe I am wrong and they are more special?

[Polliwog]

I think they are different. Especially when the child doesn't have an ongoing relationship with the birthparent. My son sees his birth mother and grandmother at least twice a year so those gifts fall into the "random gift category" for me but if his birth father (or FD's birth mother) were to somehow send something, I'd be more likely to keep it or save it.

[MommyKelly]

Originally Posted by Whistler

Listening in here. I foresee similar issues in our future. So far I have had the attitude that the gifts are to be treated similarly to gifts from grandmas or aunts that may be annoying? Maybe I am wrong and they are more special?

For us it depends on the gift. Am I going to save a book with an inscription in it to her, or a loved baby doll, or stuft animal? For sure. Am I going to save a pair of flip flops from the dollar store with 2 inch thick bottoms that dont fit, or pants that say "baby girl" across the butt ummmm no. ( For the record, the last 2 things mentioned were gifts from birth mom, she has never sent a book or a doll, or animal)

I also wanted to mention that we have also saved things from her previous foster parents. I quilted baby doll blanket the fm made, and little jewlery box with an inscription inside, pictures and cards. They are amazing people, and were very much part of her life. ( She was there 9 months)

[sugarmoon]

We have def. gotten junk from dd's first mom. For me, it has been pretty easy to tell when it is something her mom actually got for her (a little mini-beanie baby, I think it was from mcdonalds or something, but it was actually something her mom got, thought of her, and gave to her) versus when her mom signs up for charitable donations for dd at holidays. When her mom gets donations for her, I usually re-donate most of it -- it is too much, esp in comparison to what the other kids are getting (nothing) and isn't anything her mom actually chose for her.

We do have some contact, and I agree that the level of contact has an affect on how important it is to save every little thing.

What I wish we had more of were pictures. Dd has a relative who I *know* has lots of baby pictures, but when we asked for copies (or to borrow the pics to make copies) they instead made us a scrapbook with mostly pictures of themselves