Reasonable family contribution/chore list?

[DeChRi]

My DD is almost 11yo. Not sure if that makes her Child or Preteen, but I am posting here as she seems very preteen to me, lol.

Until she was nearly 8yo it was just she and I. Life was peaceful, 2 dirty dishes each night, not a lot of stuff, little to no arguing. I have since married and had a baby (now 2yo). Life is a bit more crazy with more bodies and toddlers and stuff. Everyone gets along great and the family dynamic is stellar. However, DD1, being nearly 11yo, is hitting that eye rolling, pouty, everything is an ordeal stage. It is funny, as there are a few things that never phase her. Like unloading the dishes. She always has to do this and it never tweeks her. But if I ask her to do something else you would think I asked to cut off her arm. She is a huge help with DD2 and a really great kid, but the lack of non-argumentitive family contribution makes me nuts.

SO in doing a quick assesment of the situtaion, I realize the chores she never complains about are the ones that are "expected" regularly. So now that baby 3 is on the way, I am re-org-ing the kiddos duties. DD2 (2yo) has her little list. DD1 has kind of gotten a short list as she always had lots of activities, a night a week with her dad, etc. But I would like to add to her regular contribution list.

What type of daily contributions do your 10/11/12 yo's make? She really enjoys things like setting the table nicely, ironing, etc. She has no idea how to do laundry or other household tasks that I feel like she should be learning.

Any thoughts or wisdom on how to rejuggle the distribution of duties and teaching of some basic household tasks to DD1?

[34me]

My 11 ds does do laundry, as do my 16 and 13 yos. Take trash out, clean bathrooms, recycling, fold clothes. We all have busy schedules and if they want the services of the family chauffer, they may need to pitch in wherever it is needed. We don't have "set" chores although in the summer when out of school they do and then rotate.

[lorijds]

Our kids are now 11 and 14. There are things we simply expect our kids to do--keep their rooms reasonable, pick up after themselves in the bathroom, that sort of thing.

Then there is the chore list. A couple of years ago we all sat down and made a list of chores. There are probably about 30 or 40 items on this list now, ranging from do a load of laundry to sweep and mop the common areas to take out trash and compost to walk the dog. During the school year, each kid has to do 20 things every two weeks to get their allowance. If they do more, we pay them a little more (there is no set rate, it averages out to about 50 cents per extra chore). During the summer, they have to do 30 items every two weeks to get their allowance.

If it is allowance day, and they don't have enough chores to get their allowance but they want to do enough, they don't get to choose the chore, we do. This is so that my oldest doesn't walk the dog 5 times in a day, and it gives us the chance to get them to do some chores they typically don't do. If they are super helpful without being asked, say, they go over to their grandmother's house and end up mowing her lawn, we'll give them a chore for that.

This works super well for us. Sure, we don't always get the chores done that we would like them to do. Flip side is, they have a lot of control over what their chores are. They helped make the list, and they get to choose which ones. My youngest loves organizing the recycling and doing dishes. My oldest hates to do those, but really likes doing laundry and walking the dog. It balances out (though no one has ever voluntarily cleaned the bathroom ) for the most part.

[ollyoxenfree]

I'd consider the things she likes to do (or at least doesn't mind doing), and the things you would like her to do (what you would find most helpful) ...and have a respectful conversation to negotiate her contributions. If there are particular jobs that you think are important for her to learn - laundry, using a lawn mower, whatever - then I'd incorporate them into her chores, but to be done with you, if it's something she really doesn't want to take over independently.

I'd also consider whether the issue for you is the performance of the chores, or the complaining about it, or both. If she's doing chores, but reluctantly or with a lot of complaints, I'd work on letting her know how much you appreciate her contribution and how much you value a good attitude and work ethic.

My dc are 16 and 13, and they both help out where needed - although I wish it was more automatic . Typically, on a daily basis, they wash the dishes (no dishwasher here) and do general tidying/clean up. If they cook dinner, they don't have to do the dishes (family rule - the cook doesn't have to clean up) - it's rare for them to cook these days though. They are supposed to keep the bathroom clean, but need reminding. I think they just don't recognize the dirt, lol. Similarly with dusting and vacuuming - they just need to be told that it's time to do it. The deal with the garbage bins on garbage day, and with outdoor tasks - lawn mowing, leaf raking, snow shoveling. They can do laundry, but again will usually do it only when I ask. If I ask though, I don't usually hear any complaints.

Sometimes I find it irksome that they don't do a load of laundry or pull out the vacuum cleaner on their own, but I don't have a regular schedule for these chores myself. I've always just done them "whenever", so I can't really fault the kids for not doing them regularly or spontaneously.

[sagewinna]

We have a chore schedule that the kids helped make, but we've done it differently inthe past. If there is a lot of moaning, I know it's time to sit down with them and re-assess the way we do it. Right now, there is one area per day and one team/family chore per day per kid (They are 16, 12 and 6). We homeschool, so I also ask for help during the day with various things.

So, the areas are rotated among the kids daily. I expect more from the older 2, but basically it's care for cats, dogs or rats, straightening/cleaning that room, etc.

The family chore, also rotated, is the rat cage cleaning (A big undertaking and no one liked doing it alone), bedroom cleaning, bathroom cleaning and kitchen. We all do it together, it goes by faster.

The older 2 can do laundry start to finish, cook meals, do dishes, yardwork, etc. The little one can do things with help, her chores are supervised still. They are all pretty self-sufficient.

[DeChRi]

These are all great suggestions. I think I am looking at two different things. One, needing to structure chores and family contribution a bit differently. And two, I feel like I need to teach her some skills I haven't yet. I was a single working mama until she was 7yo, then a married mama working nearly 60 hr a week until 4 months ago. (Quit to be home with kids).

I know that I learned all of the things like how to cook, laundry, the "right" way to make a bed, etc, from doing it with my mom. I think I may have fallen off the good teacher wagon when I let life pass me by. I have a bit of a complex about that and feel like I need to "make up" some of those skills with her.

Sorry for the psych-dump, just thinking aloud.

[Linda on the move]

This is a stage where kids are working on independence. I think that teaching them to do new things and then letting them have ownership of it is appropriate. We are working on one thing at a time. Both my DD (ages 11 and 13) do their own laundry. They complained a little at first, but I explained that I didn't want them to turn out like Rachel on Friends and they laughed. They need help for the first two weeks, but now I just remind them on Sunday and that's that.

I'd avoid that attitude that she needs to do more because you are having a baby. It isn't her fault and it isn't her choice. Piling on chores because she older could result in sibling issues.

She needs to be learning to do things and becoming disciplined about them because that way she'll have a smoother adjustment to adulthood!

[DeChRi]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I'd avoid that attitude that she needs to do more because you are having a baby. It isn't her fault and it isn't her choice. Piling on chores because she older could result in sibling issues.

She needs to be learning to do things and becoming disciplined about them because that way she'll have a smoother adjustment to adulthood!

Great point, and thanks for the reminder here. The new baby got me thinking about my parenting, family structure, etc...which triggered my thought of, I should have taught DD1 this and that a long time ago. You are right that I dont let that translate into "new baby and I need your help with chores". That had not even crossed my mind, honestly.

[Storm Bride]

hmm...not sure exactly when we started getting ds1 to do what. I know that, at 11, he wasn't doing a whole lot. There were only four of us, and we lived at my mom's house. That meant there were four adults (mom, stepdad, dh and me) and ds1 and dd1. That didn't leave a huge amount of work to go around. DS1 helped out with anything he was asked to do (from picking up stuff outside, to getting food for/helping feed dd1, to getting his laundry together to helping unload groceries). His only set chore at that time, to the best of my recollection, was setting the table every night. I can't remember if he was doing his own laundry or not.

We moved out when ds1 was 12, and ds2 was 10 days old. DS1 was then given responsibility for doing his own laundry (if he hadn't been already), and taking out all the garbage, compost and recycling (we live in a townhouse complex, and have a dumpster). At various times, he's also been responsible for cooking, but not on a regular schedule (we find it hard to fit in with his various extra-curriculars). For the last...two years, I think (so since he was about 14), he's also had weekend chores. Those alternate between picking up, then vacuuming the living room and dining area and cleaning both bathrooms. We like to know those things are done every two weeks, no matter how badly I drop the ball (and I do sometimes), but, more importantly, we're trying to give him some basic skills, so when he moves out, he doesn't live in a pit.

DH had more chores than this when he was younger. He thinks that ds1 should be doing more than this, but I'm okay with his contribution. The thing is...ds1 also helps out as needed with his younger siblings. While dh values my contribution as a SAHM, I don't think he fully grasps that ds1 is also doing his part (more than, really, since he didn't ask for all these siblings!) with childcare. DS1 can't clean or vacuum or cook when he's holding dd2, yk? He probably could do more around here, but I factor in the time he spends helping with the kids (including various times when he's taken them to the playground for an hour, especially while I was post-op from my last c-section) more than dh does, I think.

DS1's grumbling is usually more when we pester him about something. We only pester him, because he frequently says, "I'll do it!" over and over again, and then we get up in the morning to find the overflowing garbage bag still sitting there. However, ds1 doesn't seem to realize how often he's done this, and feels unfairly persecuted. I roll with it. IME, feeling unfairly persecuted is pretty common for teenagers. Eventually, I think he'll figure out that we only get on his case, because of the number of times he hasn't finished his chores. (He doesn't mind doing them - he just never wants to interrupt his juggling practice, figuring out a song on the guitar, sketching Spider-Man or whatever...and then he forgets. He's a total procrastinator, which he sadly gets from me, and he's fairly oblivious to the passage of time.)

[Linda on the move]

Many (not all) girls go through a phase when they are 11 or 12. It's a girl thing. It tends to show up more in their relationship with their moms, and boys don't tend to go through the same thing.

eye rolling, pouty, everything is an ordeal stage

This is, sadly, completely normal for a girl her age and APing doesn't prevent it. For a year, one of my DDs response to pretty much everything I said was to sigh and slump.

She's 13 and now and coming out of it.

I think that it's part of the reason that approaching this from the "I'm helping you learn what you need to so you can leave home someday" attitude helps. They kinda wanta leave us. They don't want to depend on us so much.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

Many (not all) girls go through a phase when they are 11 or 12. It's a girl thing. It tends to show up more in their relationship with their moms, and boys don't tend to go through the same thing.

May I just ask if you have a source for this? While I haven't noticed boys being pouty, as such, I've definitely noticed teenage boys not wanting to do anything their parents ask them to do, rolling their eyes, etc. From my own teens, and from observing ds1's friends, the attitude they assume seems to be pretty gender neutral.

[walking burp cloth]

Getting some great ideas!! Thanks!

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

May I just ask if you have a source for this? .

partly from talking to other parents in real life, and partly from this site. When moms post about their DDs this age, there is often a response from the mother of a son saying something like this:

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

DS1's grumbling is usually more when we pester him about something.

With girls, you don't have to pester.

Also a book I'm reading I'm reading: "Get Out of my life, but first could you take me to the mall?" talks about the difference between boys and girls this age.

I'm not saying that boys don't have their own issues, but I think that there is a difference between boys and girls, are girls who are going through puberty have some special issues.

[kellydf]

My daughter does chores and does not complain about them,gets them done.She does laundry,dishes,cleans her room and takes out the garbage and realizes I am teaching her to be responsibleMy step son Justin whom is 17 and will be 18 next week is bad about cleaning his room,says he will do it and puts it off.I get on him for it including my husband and does it.My step daughter is good at doing her chores and done on the spot.

[DeChRi]

Thank you for all of the ideas. I have some great ideas and DD and I talked about the best way to change things up.

[SuzyLee]

I am good friends with my neighbor, and her 12 year old daughter (who used to be such an angel, LOL) is so mouthy it is unreal! My friend calls me I swear once a week, adn says "I am going to KILL Emily" and vents to me about what her daughter mouthed off about. From an outsiders perspective, it is quite funny- although it won't be funny when my kids are that age!

In other words, you are not alone.

I started doing all my own laundry at age 11. I think it is a good chore bc it has its own natural consequences- if she doesn't do it, she won't have clothes. You don't need to worry about staying on top of ehr about it, she will figure out quick that she doesn't like having her favorite things dirty!

My mom had each of us cook dinner one night a week. We had to pick a recipe/menu and give her a shopping list and then we were in charge. She helped of course if we needed it. I think that was a great experience for us, to learn how to make different things from recipes.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

With girls, you don't have to pester.

With pretty much every other teenage boy I personally know, you don't have to pester, either. DS1 is a remarkably even tempered kid, and always has been (I take no credit for this, as I have no idea where his temperament comes from). He's honestly not like any other teenager, male or female, that I've ever met, and his teachers and other adults he's interacted with say the same thing.

Also a book I'm reading I'm reading: "Get Out of my life, but first could you take me to the mall?" talks about the difference between boys and girls this age.

I'm not saying that boys don't have their own issues, but I think that there is a difference between boys and girls, are girls who are going through puberty have some special issues.

I'm not even remotely arguing that girls don't have their own special issues (ime, girls have an even harder time with puberty than boys do, in many ways...for instance, I had insane PMS - although it wasn't commonly called that, yet - when I hit puberty, and I'm sure I wasn't alone). I've just never found the attitude and eye rolling and such to be even remotely gender specific.

[harrietsmama]

Originally Posted by DeChRi

These are all great suggestions. I think I am looking at two different things. One, needing to structure chores and family contribution a bit differently. And two, I feel like I need to teach her some skills I haven't yet. I was a single working mama until she was 7yo, then a married mama working nearly 60 hr a week until 4 months ago. (Quit to be home with kids).

I know that I learned all of the things like how to cook, laundry, the "right" way to make a bed, etc, from doing it with my mom. I think I may have fallen off the good teacher wagon when I let life pass me by. I have a bit of a complex about that and feel like I need to "make up" some of those skills with her.

Sorry for the psych-dump, just thinking aloud.

This is where I am too, my kids are 10 and 8 next week. I live in a tiny apartment and the laundry is in a scary basement, with locked heavy doors, stuff like that so I have to get creative in finding what they can help with and teach them. That said, we moved here a year ago and not all of their stuff is unpacked and their room is always very cluttered. The sheets and vacuuming don't get done often enough and I just haven't figured out how to teach that, I'm not much of a housekeeper due to my upbringing and personality, so I'm taking notes

wow, reading that back sounds like I live in a hovel - I do clean, but trying to *teach* it is something I have working thro

[sewchris2642]

At age 11 (12 next month), Dylan does his laundry, is responsible for his room, picks up dog poop, empties the trash, takes the trash containers out to the curb once a week (and brings back in from the curb), and washes the breakfast dishes on non school days. He used to empty the dishwasher but switched to washing dishes recently. His choice. He also has started to learn how to clean the bathroom. Along with his nephew, he clears and sets the table for dinner. At his age, his sisters were also learning how to vacuum and washing dinner dishes.

His list of chores didn't get longer just because his sister and family moved in with us. But because there are now a lot more of us (8 instead of 3, with 3 of them much younger than Dylan), it seemed like it to him. So we had a sit down talk with him and explained it to him, allowing him time to vent and tell us his feelings. He still gripes but that's just his age and personality. Or we made him stop what he is doing to finish his chores. He hates being interupted.

[zebra15]

DS is 9 and we HS so my view could be a bit different. I've always been single and up until a year ago never had a roommate etc. so I've needed DS to 'help' me. Even now w. living w. a roommate DS(9) can: clean his room, take out the trash, load/unload the dishwasher (we dont handwash), he can sort laundry, change his sheets, walk the dog, straighten up the yard ( oranges are falling from the tree) and he is pretty much responsible for his own school work. I am guilty of not training DS on laundry out of fear he will make an error and ruin it but I am starting to teach him how to work the machines. He does fold and put away his things and he helps the sitter w. her laundry.

I think what has helped is chores arent really chores, they are just things that need to be done. In my mind they are life skills (HS approach here) and we DS and I start by doing things together. Its kinda fun !