Q: How does your child act in social settings like playgroups/playgrounds?

[shells_n_cheese]

I posted a few times about being very suspicious of my 3 yo DS's behavior, and my DH being in denial that something may be wrong.

Today, we were at the mall play area, and as soon as we said we needed to take off his shoes, he started freaking out, "Nooo!!! No take off shoes!!". We were going to leave (like we usually do in these situations... ) but DH said he was going to play if he liked it or not (I think he suspects something deep down...) He took off DS's shoes, and then DS just stood there, looking at the other kids. We kept telling him to go play, but he would just shake his head "no", or smile shyly at us or others.

After about about 5-10 min of watching everyone--we point him over to a toy next to us, some kind of big wheel mounted on a wall that you can spin. He walks over to it, spins it, then immediately starts stimming (rocking side to side on feet, waving arms, wiggling fingers). I immediately try and direct his attention elsewhere.

He FINALLY goes over to a slide, and with DH's help, he goes down the slide (not helping him physically, but with feeling safe, I guess). Then, DH walks back over to me, and DS is sitting on top of the slide. That's is. He just sits there, and if a kid comes up to him, he reacts flustered, almost like he doesn't know what to do. He would bounce up and down on his knees, we kept telling him to go down the slide--he wouldn't. He seemed like he was having fun though--he was smiling and laughing.

He then disappeared on the other side of the slide, and I went over to see what he was doing--he was trying to grab a girls sock while saying something like "socks off" or something. Not sure if he was trying to pick something off of the sock, like lint, or if he was trying to take her sock off.

I told him to go down the slide--he just went back to the top of the slide and stayed there.

DH kept saying,"Wow-look how well he handled that situation, and see how he interacted with that kid? etc etc". Then that made me stop and think--if he really thought nothing was wrong with DS--why would he CONSTANTLY look at and analyze his behavior?? I didn't bring anything up to him. It just turns into an argument.

Part of me wonders if it was because he was in a mall play area (he never played in one before).... but when he plays at playgrounds, he is usually just around us, and will stop and watch kids, maybe even get up close and interact, or seem like he wants to interact, but doesn't ever actually PLAY with the other kids. He is a shy kid.

Also, after we left the play area, he was out of the stroller and walking around the mall. He just looks down while stimming the whole time. He will walk with a bounce in his step, too. Like he prances, kind of hard to explain. While he is prancing, he will look down and keep his arms bent at the elbow--he does not swing his arms when walking, they are always bent at the elbows. We had to constantly tell DS too look up, because he would have near collisions with other people and objects. DH told me he walks like that "only because he is excited"...

Does this sound like "normal" behavior to you? How do your children interact in social setting with other children?

Also, am I just going crazy and over analyzing? DH always has a reason for every quirky think DS does--and it has made me start to wonder if I am just nit-picking. I would love some un-biased, honest advice.

Thanks.

[jnet24]

I have worked with many children who were on the spectrum and I would say that I do not think you are crazy or over-analyzing his behaviors. Truthfully, and I know you are looking for honest feedback that is why I am being so frank, his behavior is not the typical three year old behavior and I also agree that your husband knows this and he is just in denial. I know how that is too,my son is awaiting an eval and dh does not agree, and you begin to doubt yourself and you shouldn't. You should trust that voice inside you saying I need to help my child. I always try to shrug off ds behavior as quirky and blame it on other factors, but when we are in a social setting it is obvious something is just not quite right. Just the other night we were at a basketball game and my ds was running through the hallways at halftime. A child much younger than him wanted to join him and he freaked out. Ran to me because he thought she was scary and was going to get him. She was doing nothing to him and was just running in the hallway too. He cried until the child went somewhere else and than happily ran around again. Anyways, I know how hard the wondering it and I would just get the eval done to put myself at ease. What I learned most from this board is that having a diagnosis doesn't change the lo you know and love, it just helps you understand them a little bit more. I got through to my DH by saying maybe you are right maybe I am, but getting the eval won't hurt anything at all, but it may help a whole lot. Good luck.

[APToddlerMama]

Having worked with many children with special needs and without, no, that doesn't sound like typical behavior. As far as your husband goes, I can totally relate. I think some of us tend towards being suspicious that something is "off" and want to be as proactive as possible to help meet our kids needs, and for others it can just be so emotionally overwhelming that it is easier to pretend that nothing is wrong. My husband has had a strong sense of denial with our son's issues, and has gotten so ticked off at me at times for suggesting something might be wrong. Deep down, I know he is just so terribly fearful that I am right and he doesn't have the coping skills to deal with those "what-ifs" right now.

With my husband, I have pushed evals, etc., by saying a lot of "just to rule out...." which feels a little less threatening to him. Another thing that has helped is just saying that I'd rather be safe than sorry, and that if we don't do the interventions/evaluations that are available to us now, we are not going to have a chance to go back in ten years and do them. We will either be saying ten years down the road "Wow, we sure did inconvenience ourselves with all that early intervention and dietary changes and appointments" OR we will be left saying "(expletive.) Turns out something was off and we could have really helped our child in this area if we had dealt with it then, but now it is too late to go back." Early intervention is always best and there aren't any do-overs, so I tell my husband that at the worst we are inconveniencing ourselves. Evaluations, interventions, and dietary changes aren't going to hurt a child, and if there is even a 1% chance that they're going to help long term, I think if a parent realllllly thinks about it, they're going to be willing to do them. I am always saying to my husband "Okay, fine, nothing is wrong, but on that 1% chance that something is, let's just do this, okay?" and it has been working. Good luck. I know its hard. We don't have a dx either.

[kme]

Often a child's "different" behavior becomes very obvious in social settings or when you see how other kids the same age behave. One of my first clues that something was "off" with my son was at a playgroup when he was 2. He really shyed away from the other kids and it became obvious his speech was severely delayed. We had him evaluated and he began speech therapy and then by 2.5 was in special education.

I have 4 kids and no, your son's behavior does not sound typical. I have an older child with ADHD and a 6 year old with ADHD/SPD. Mall play areas were always difficult for both of them. The older one always got really aggressive and the younger one always got overwhelmed. It is in situations like these where you can often see the differences as you saw with your son. My other two kids were always "easy" in these situations - they just naturally knew what to do and how to interact with other kids.

I would most definitely have him evaluated. It sounds like he has many red flags for an ASD or at the very least SPD. If there is something going on, early intervention is really helpful. It sounds like your husband may be in denial - can you present it like - OK, this is for MY peace of mind and if there's nothing wrong great, but if there is, he gets the help he needs? Your son is still your son no matter what his diganosis may or may not be. If your gut is telling you there is something wrong, there probably is. Moms do not get that "gut" feeling over nothing.
Good luck to you and your son!

[InMediasRes]

Mine is not quite three yet, but he is similar. We are having him evaluated for SPD/ASD in February.

At the mall play places, he either screams in terror and runs away before we ever get there, or he will stand, completely stunned, and stare at the other kids and watch what they do. At a park, he will not play on the other equipment if there are other kids playing there. He will just wander around in the grass. At a playgroup, he will get as far away from the rest of the group as possible, and he will get aggressive with kids that get in his space. When we meet with other kids outside, he will run or gallop in a circle, chanting a nonsense word or hand flapping. When he wears himself out doing that, he will go stand near the other kids, and sort of talk in their vicinity, but if he wants them to do something, he will ask me or hit them.

We haven't had a whole lot of social interaction lately because we moved and lost our regular playgroup. It's been 5 months since he's been in a familiar social setting. I wish I knew what he was like in that setting because I think we would be getting a clearer picture of his behavior.

DH is the same way, although he is starting to come around. He's generally very in tune with his own emotions (he has helped me become more in tune with my emotions), but he did take longer to come around than I did. I mostly just convinced him that I was not going to be okay until we checked this out, so let us do it for me. We've moved on to what APToddlerMama suggested - if there's something wrong, it would be better to catch it now, so why not check it out.

We are in the unfortunate situation of having had a lot of changes in the last 5-10 months, so DH thinks that DS would be just fine if we had not moved or had a baby and we wouldn't be having this conversation. I just remind him that, even if that is true, he seems to need some outside help coping with the stress.

[earthmama4]

My ASD son would play happily with other kids at parks or the like. But he could NOT handle leaving the fun. Ever. I was guaranteed a tantrum unless we were the last ones to leave. Not likely in a mall or park setting. He couldn't understand that those kids weren't there all the time and went home eventually too.

[alexsam]

Neither of my boys have social issues (vision problems is why I kinda hang out here sometimes) so I don't have the detailed experiences with that, but I DO know that when your "mama bells" go off, it is very important to listen.

[PNWmama]

Originally Posted by kme

Often a child's "different" behavior becomes very obvious in social settings or when you see how other kids the same age behave. One of my first clues that something was "off" with my son was at a playgroup when he was 2. He really shyed away from the other kids and it became obvious his speech was severely delayed. We had him evaluated and he began speech therapy and then by 2.5 was in special education.

This was how it was with us and our son. We didn't really even realize how different he was from other kids his age until we started trying to involve him in group situations. Then it became abundantly clear that something was up.

To me I do see some red flags for ASD with your son. My son has similar traits and I also suspect he's on the spectrum (will be evaluated next month). It does sound like your husband may suspect something is up too, but doesn't want it to be true. Is he downright refusing to get your ds evaluated, or have you not brought it up yet? In my situation the roles were actually reversed. My dh has thought that something was different with our ds since his was about 2 years old, however I just kept thinking that he was a bit behind kids his age and he'd catch up on his on schedule. Now that he's a bit over three it is so clear to me now that something is going on with him. I wish we had taken action sooner with him.

I definitely don't think you are being nit-picky.

[mountainsunshine]

I also agee with the other posters. I mean thats normal behavior around my house . My 2.5yo is not into playing with groups of kids. At the play spot we go to she usually hangs out by herslef and growls when another kid comes by thats not in her sisters circle. My 4yo would love to play with the other kids, but some days at the park it's painfuly awkward to watch KWIM.
I think your Dh is in a typical denial phase of mourning> For men this phase seems to last longer.

Sarah

[Tjej]

I happened on your post as a new post, so I am just visiting the SN forum.

My DD is 3yo and some of what you describe is like her and some sounds very different.

I suggest you look into what it means to be an "introvert". I am reading "The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child" right now and finding insight on group play situations and the way my DD reacts to them/how to support her natural tendancies and help her enjoy new and sometimes overwhelming experiences.

Specifically, the way you talk about your son's observing/standing and not talking with other children much could relate to being an introvert. Also, him seeming/being frozen at the top of the slide.

HTH

Tjej

ETA: He does not sound particularly unusual to me, but I obviously can't see him. If he is flapping and rocking often then that sounds unusual, but most of the other behavior really sounds typical of an introverted (and perhaps a bit absentminded) 3 yo to me.