My daughter wants me to do everything for her

[amberskyfire]

I'm not even sure if this is a problem or not. I'm hoping you more experienced mamas and papas can give me some advice.

My daughter is nearly two and she's nothing like the way everyone else describes their kiddos of the same age. Most toddlers want to do everything themselves. "ME DO IT!" Seems to be the mantra of all the kids around me. My daughter's mantra has always been "MOMMY DO IT!" She wants me to do absolutely everything for her. Sometimes she will try something herself just once very quickly, but almost immediately decides that she can't and that mama would do it better and I hear "MOMMY DO IT!" yet again.

This goes on all day. She can't color or draw by herself. Oh, no. She will start to color for a few seconds and then hand me the crayon and absolutely insists that I color the picture for her. It's great for some situations like when we have to go somewhere. She wants ME to pick her clothes and she wants me to put them on her which is fabulous. We are able to leave the house so fast. But for pretty much everything else, it's just exhausting. She won't play with her toys by herself. Mommy has to do it because Mommy does it better. She can get on and off her tricycle by herself just fine, but she wants Mommy to do it for her.

This kid is exhausting me. I've tried many times telling her "how about YOU do it this time?" or "why don't you try it?" but she immediately has a meltdown. I don't know why she does it. Maybe she's a perfectionist and just wants me to do it for her because she feels like she doesn't do it well enough.

Did I do something wrong somewhere or is this just a personality type? Is she going to be like this forever?

[AllisonR]

I'll throw some ideas out there. I think the "me-do-it" versus "mommy-do-it" stage is really short, compared to the overall personality of the child.

I have a 3 yo who has always been very independent. She wants to do everything herself, from picking out outfits and getting dressed, to riding her bike, to "reading" a book. She doesn't discuss it, she just does it.

I also have a 5yo who is a perfectionist and often "can't do it" until he is perfect at whatever it is. He won't ride his bike unless DH or I are right there. He wants me to put on his clothes in the morning and his pajamas at night. At daycare he has no issues getting himself dressed. And if there is chocolate, he can take off his coat, hat, shoes, hang them all up and be in the kitchen in 30 seconds, but otherwise he would much prefer mommy to help him. "I can't do it" is popular. His love language is caring. When I realised this is the way he sees love, it stopped bothering me so much. OTOH, he can entertain himself very well, so his "mommy do it stage" isn't 24-7 which would drive me bonkers. He could always self entertain with drawing, computer, legos.... And, he is 5. Big difference between 2 and 5. Meaning your DD will eventually want to do some things independently, and even want time by herself. You just have to ride out this wave.

[NiteNicole]

My daughter is almost four (tomorrow) and has never had a LET ME DO IT phase (except in the kitchen and she's really like to be able to do embroidery - which I let her do in her almost four year old way). She had an OT eval last week and as it turns out, she can't do buttons, snaps or zippers. She's FOUR tomorrow. And why? Because I always just did it. I have one child, I'm a SAHM, my husband works from home. My daughter has never wanted to do any of these things herself and doesn't fight it when I dress her or whatever, so I've just always done it. It takes me seconds to put her clothes and shoes on so...I just never made her do it.

I've always thought, with pretty much everything, I have plenty of time and she'll do whatever it is (eat solids, potty train, dress herself) in her own time. She won't always want me to do it and I'll miss these moments. But now I have a four year old who can't do buttons or use scissors. She won't try anything more than once unless she can do it PERFECTLY. I don't think my theory of letting her do things in her own time is really serving her very well.

I wouldn't make an issue of it, but if I had to do it over again I would leave her to her own devices more often and let her build confidence in her ability to figure things out.

[gcgirl]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

I wouldn't make an issue of it, but if I had to do it over again I would leave her to her own devices more often and let her build confidence in her ability to figure things out.

I think this is sound advice. Some mom coaching might be in order. DS is one of those "LET ME DO IT" all the time kids, but sometimes he wants me, or DH, or grandma or somebody else specific to DO IT. Depending on what it is, I'll do it, OR, more often, I'll help him through it. He gets frustrated when he can't figure something out, so I'll sit with him and give him pointers until he either A) accomplishes the task or B) has genuinely tried and needs a little help.

I don't always have time to sit with him, but sometimes just talking out the frustration and then letting him have another try helps him along.

Good luck!

[Purple Cat]

I'm inclined to think it's more of the "attachment-autonomy" issue. She's two. Developmentally, she's becoming more capable, soon to be more independent. It's enticing, but also scary. I have a daughter who is extremely attached to me, as in, she nursed non-stop, insisted on being carried at all times, for all purposes. We go through BIG pendulum swings in attachment/autonomy. For instance, she was a HUGE runner -- gleefully running faster and further than most kids away from me, indifferent to my absence. I couldn't understand it. Then, I talked to a child development expert and she said she wasn't surprised given the extent of my DD's attachment that she would also have a big pendulum swing towards autonomy, though it would be with anxiety. My bet is she's wanting to "stay your baby" even though she knows she is in some ways becoming more capable and independent and wants you to do things for her to let her feel like she still is your little baby being cared for. I would probably just really indulge it for awhile and maybe even really baby her. My bet is she will then burst into, "No. I want to do that myself." My DD did.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

My DD just turned 5, and is just now entering the "I want to do it!" phase. Unless it involves cleaning up toys I remember when she was 2-3 that I found it curious she wasn't going by the books, but wasn't too worried about it.

[_betsy_]

Give her a few more months. A just-turned-2 or about-to-tun-2 and an almost-3 yo are totally different creatures.

DD1 won't do anything physically until she already has it mastered in her head. So while she was pulling up and cruising for a while, she didn't take independent steps until her head had already figured out how to walk, stand up unassisted, crouch, run and walk tippy toed. She just chilled until her brain had fully wrapped around the idea, then she let her body do what she already had figured out.

She is an alert, engaging, intense, loud, exhausting child and always has been. She turned 3 in Sept. and is mostly in an independent, wants to do everything herself (or "help" me) stage, but she gives up quickly and asks for help if something doesn't work immediately. So she's almost more exhausting now, because she's screaming at me that she wants to do whatever it is, and then gives up super-quick, then gives me sass when asking for help.

[Freud]

I would start telling her things like, "This is something you can do" or "Soon, you'll be able to do this by yourself," or "I'll color this part. You can color that part, and I'll watch," or "You do it just right. I'll watch you do it."

It sort of sounds like she's craving some mom time or is scared that if she can do things for herself, you won't be around/close. Two is the independent stage, so seems like she's feeling a little conflicted about being independent. Telling her that she can do it will build her confidence.